The Art of Fostering Connection with Noa Elan

Bloom App & the Art of Fostering Connection with Noa Elan

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I talk with Bloom Community CEO, Noa Elan. Noa brings an innovative and refreshing approach to finding experiences and creating connections in the dating and social world bridging online access with live, in-person events.   During this conversation we dive into how a digital event & community site like Bloom Community can allow folks to communicate more authentically to form deeper relationships.  Along the way, Noa shares her story of learning about sexuality, connection, embodiment and relationship all leading to the her becoming the CEO of Bloom Community.  We talk about the nuances of consent, the value of community connection and embracing vulnerability.  Noa shares her perspective on the need for creating more spaces that prioritize consent, growth and fostering both platonic and romantic relationships that are founded on depth of connection.

Want more of Noa

Blog https://bloomcommunity.com/blog

Insta https://www.instagram.com/bloomcommunityapp/

Got questions about sex and relationship? DeborahTantraKat@gmail.com

Stay Connected Pillow Talk

Better Sex Membership https://www.deborahkat.com/turnedon

FB https://www.facebook.com/deborah.tantrakat

Insta https://www.instagram.com/deborahtantrakat/

In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.

Deborah [00:00:18]:

Welcome to the Better Sex podcast. My name is Deborah Kat and I am your shameless those. This is the better Sex podcast where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships. It was created to support you in having a safe, shame free space to learn about the possibilities and range of sex and relationships. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part to create a safe and sexy world, please hit like subscribe and leave a comment wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, my goodness. Today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, Noah Alan.

Deborah [00:01:08]:

She is the CEO of Bloom Community, the alternative dating app for alternative people. Bloom is where queer, polyamorous activists, kinky spiritual, and consent minded members of society Connect. I'm super excited to dive into her world, and while our official connection is rather new, we've traveled in many of the same circles here in the Bay Area, and I've been the recipient of her genius in bringing people together, both at events and as a user of the Bloom app. I'm so looking forward to learning more about her and her vision. And I just want to say how excited I am to have you. Thank you for coming and being a guest here on the.

Noa [00:01:58]:

Thank you, Deborah. I was. As you were talking about our know, I was looking at all the different podcasts that people talk about, consent and communication, embodiment. And I remember seeing your face and I was like, I remember, Deborah. So just appreciating how interconnected community is and how we are all on the path on making the world less shameful and more embodied.

Deborah [00:02:24]:

Thank you. Thank you so much. So I would love if you'd be willing to share a little bit of your story and how you got here.

Noa [00:02:32]:

Yeah, I feel like my story, there's so much. Right? I always kind of go back to, like, five years ago, but if I think about it, I have been in the world of embodiment and sexuality for like a decade or 15 years at this point. I always say that me and my partner, sex was kind of like our hobby. We would go to sexy parties or we would go to pujas or different events, even though we didn't have sex with anyone else and we were monogamous, but we like to be in that space, right? So there's being in sexuality and being in that world of flirtation and sensuality and connection has been probably part of my life, my whole adult life, but has really expanded. About five years ago, I want to say I worked in tech, I moved to the US from Israel about ten years ago. And I worked in tech, and I had this moment. I call it the fall of rage. And I had my second kid, and I was enraged, right? I had a job.

Noa [00:03:40]:

I had a great job, and I had two kids, and I had a partner, but I felt, like, extremely alone, right? I felt like I was working in a job that I didn't like. I felt like I was surrounded by people, but none of them really wanted or could listen to my deepest experiences of life or questions. And it was just, like, angry. I was like, this is it. This is life. I've reached all the milestones. I am an executive. I have two kids, but I'm unhappy.

Noa [00:04:12]:

And I was just upset by it. And that led me to be like, okay, what's more, what do I actually want in life, right? Because I didn't really want sexuality, but what I wanted was connection. I wanted belonging. And I remember going to a sex positive community in the Bay called Bonobo network and walking in and being like, you're going to be my friend. How do I make you my friend? And I just kept on showing up, right? I just kept. And I was like, I'll volunteer. I'll sit in the tea room. I'll help set up.

Noa [00:04:50]:

I'll help strike. And slowly, slowly, I just built friendships. I remember after three parties, I got, like, three new friend requests on Facebook. And I was like, it's working. I'm finding friends. And after eight months, I remember this moment that I walked into an event and, like, 15 people jumped up and said, no, yeah, I made it. I found people that I feel connected with. I'm also happy to talk about this.

Noa [00:05:19]:

It's so interesting, right? With consent and just connecting with people. How hard it is to stop a conversation if someone's breaking through. Like, if you're on a Zoom call and people are breaking and you're like, should I say it? Should I not say it? There's so many interpersonal or human engagements and that it's amazing to notice how big they feel for me, how big they feel. High risk they feel. Even though it seems, like, so easy. I was doing a workshop with Midori last week, and she forgot to click something. And I was, ah, should I speak up or should like. And this is what we go through all the time in bed, right? Like, how many times in bed do I feel like maybe something is weird or I want to move or shift? And in my head, it's all happening.

Noa [00:06:23]:

And how do so much work for me to do on actually learning how to slow down or pause.

Deborah [00:06:31]:

So appreciating the zoom, you say that it's so interesting. I mean, especially when we start thinking about, there's the things that we are edgy to say in public and then how that actually works in our sex lives. I want to go back for just a second because you said something about, I loved when you were talking about you and your partner just going to sex parties to be in the energy, because that is so. I think it is an underused resource for couples, particularly because a lot of times it's not that we need to do anything different with other people, but just to be in that place of where there's the energy moving and where we can actually feel ourselves and we get permission from other people. So I practiced orgasmic meditation for many years, and one of the most amazing experiences was being in a room full of women in orgasm, right. Wherever they were in their process. But just like being able to, we're feeling beings, and so we get to feel each other's turn on. We get to feel each other's orgasm.

Deborah [00:07:49]:

And I like to say, you can walk in grumpy, but you are not going to leave grumpy.

Noa [00:07:55]:

Right.

Deborah [00:07:55]:

Because there's something that gets alchemized in the experience of orgasm itself, but in the experience of others in that state and in that place of, like you were talking about being invited in or having the community say. And I think it's really important to be able to have these experiences not just by ourselves and not just with our partners, but in community. And so I really love what you're, I've noticed the blue map has been changing and thrilled when I got a connection saying, hey, this is what's going on and that you'd taken over. And I would love to hear a little bit about where it was when you started and where you'd like to take it and where we are now.

Noa [00:08:56]:

Yeah. And I really love what, I just want to touch on what you said because I think it's so connected about, I think that there's this really high bar for connection or experience. You go to a play party or you go to speed dating events. It's like, oh, will I find the one, oh, will I have sex. Right. This is like a very high bar of life. Right. But the truth is we can be happy and engaged and alive in so many easier ways and things that are much lighter on the investment than all of these high bars.

Noa [00:09:38]:

Right. So I was in San Diego and I met a bunch of community members, and they said, you know, I hate happy hours. I organized a happy hour for bloom, and people came and said, I hate happy hours. I was like, yeah, I get. I also don't love happy hours because sometimes the conversation is very surface level. But you know what? It might be funny, and you might go home and be like, ah, I feel, like, energized more than watching Netflix. Right. And can we actually celebrate the small steps on the path to the bigger goal? And I think that's kind of what I see for bloom in some way.

Noa [00:10:15]:

Yeah. Everyone wants to find their significant other, or not everyone, but many people want to find their significant other. Many people want to find an attachment figure or someone who will completely get them or play with them in the way they wanted. But, yeah, I also want that for everyone. And can we create connection on the way? Can we make sure that people are not isolated on the path to their burger goal? And I think that's what events do. Events allow you, and community allows you to come and get a sense of connection and get a sense of belonging on the path, and someone might introduce you to the person who will be the one. But on the way, let's actually enjoy the path of it, and let's actually discover that there is more to relationships than the couple them that we've been taught is the ultimate goal.

Deborah [00:11:08]:

Yeah. And hearing you say that, one of the things that we say at Tantra Institute is that you don't know what the connection is until you give it some space. And how many times do we walk into, whether it's a networking room or whether it's a speed date or whether it's a sex party, and say, this is who you're going to be. To me, in a networking thing, it's like, oh, I'm going to be your client, or you're going to be my client. And so there's this idea of going in with a goal for the connection. And what happens when that's not what the connection is? Like, the connection might want something completely different. Right, totally.

Noa [00:11:59]:

Go ahead.

Deborah [00:12:00]:

I see a lot of oftentimes when people are dating, what they'll do is they'll create the list.

Noa [00:12:07]:

Right.

Deborah [00:12:08]:

And it's like, I don't know how many times it's happened where it's like, somebody might fill the list, and yet you're in their presence, and it's like, oh, this is not what we're supposed to be to each other. However, you love baking, and I love baking, and actually, what we're supposed to do is we're supposed to bake together. We're not supposed to sleep together, but we're supposed to bake together. And so there's like going to a happy hour. If you go with the idea that it's not going to be any fun, well, then guess what? It's not going to be any fun. But if you allow yourself to be like, I wonder what's going to happen?

Noa [00:12:57]:

And I think part of it is also, like, the apps, the world we live in. Like you said, you go to a networking event, you're like, I have a goal. I'm going to find the person that will get me the next job, or I'm going speed dating. I have a goal. I want to find someone that I can run energy in this specific way with, whatever that is. And the truth is, things take time, right? And I think that the challenges, the apps that we're on have taught us that it's all about doing it as fast as possible, right? Like skimming as fast as possible and swiping. Right. It's all about scrolling and seeing as much content and skimming until you're ready to find something.

Noa [00:13:38]:

In relationships don't work that way. Relationships take time. You need to be like, wait, is this working? Is this not working? Let me try this. Let me try it on. And I think that has led us to actually avoid relating in some way. Right. It's so much more rewarding to your dopamine cycle systems to swipe and match. It's, like, way more rewarding than being like, do I want to go on a date? What if it's going to be awkward? Do they actually want to meet me? Why have they ghosted me? All these relating things are extremely painful.

Noa [00:14:16]:

And it actually leads us to prioritize the fake experience of matching on these acts versus the painful experience of relating to humans.

Deborah [00:14:26]:

Yeah. And I just want to say, it's going to be awkward. It's all awkward if you're alive. Life is awkward. Sex is awkward, relating is awkward. It's all awkward. And the fun thing about that, though, is that, generally speaking, at least this is what I've found, and you can kind of tell me what you've experienced. But the awkwardness also is the vulnerability, and it's the authenticity.

Deborah [00:14:58]:

And in my experience, what I believe that we're actually looking for is those moments, the moments when something is awkward and then you've gotten through it or know, acknowledged it and perhaps shared that you might be feeling the same way or that you've had an experience that's like that. Yeah.

Noa [00:15:21]:

Brene. Brown talks about what she called, like, the system of trust. She has this. Let me. I can find it. Wait, I can find it because I just wrote it down. Okay. The anatomy of trust.

Noa [00:15:40]:

So she talks about, based on research, like, what actually built trust and connective connection. One of those things is about. She calls it the vault. Like, I share with you and you hold it in confidence. I show something vulnerable, and we go through it. Right. So I think trust is created in those moments that you're actually exposed and someone shows up for you. And I think that, again, that is part of the uncomfortable weirdness of being a human.

Deborah [00:16:12]:

Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you. And as I'm hearing you say that and thinking about. There's that idea of when we are trusting and when we allow ourselves to be seen, and sometimes that goes, not so well. And being okay with that, as a. One of my mantras is there's this line in Shakespeare about, Audrey, you are not for all markets. And I love that because it's like there is this reality that there's places where I, as a know, energy might need to calibrate a little bit.

Deborah [00:17:00]:

Does that mean that I need to be somebody different? No, it does mean that I might want to be a little bit more grounded and a little bit more in my curiosity, because, for one.

Noa [00:17:16]:

Yes, totally. It makes me think, and this is where I think we all. It made me think about this event that I hosted for my personal community here. And there was someone that was very big in their energy. They were like, a big energy. They run energy really big. They also were in this ecstatic experience in the previous party, but it had a lot of impact on people. So a lot of people were like, I couldn't go into the room because of the sexy room because the energy impacted me.

Noa [00:17:54]:

Or that was like, that triggered some of my trauma. And it was like, so before the event, at the next event, I was like, okay, how do I talk to this person about it? Right. Because I don't want to shame their self expression. Right. And creating spaces and events are all about allowing people to self express. Right? Like, we're in a world that shames us all the time for being too big too this, too much. So how do you both allow people to self express and do community care at the same time? Right. I think part of the answer is, there is no perfect answer.

Noa [00:18:31]:

Right? How can we both be in that awkwardness of, like, hey, you actually have an impact on people, and your impact actually might even hurt people. And it's also okay to express yourself and just, like, actually holding. Right? Holding. The reality of there is no one's in the correct or in the wrong. And can we actually be in community and be in communication as we're dealing with our impact on people and dealing with wanting to hold space for people?

Deborah [00:19:04]:

Yeah. Thank you for bringing that up, because impact is a huge.

Noa [00:19:07]:

Yeah. How do you think? Well.

Deborah [00:19:13]:

I've spent a lot of time learning about what my impact is and noticing that, for me, when I'm in one of those very big states, chances are I'm scared. Chances are that I might be a little bit, like, nervous. For me, my strategy is I get big, right? I'm like one of those cats that busts out. So I get big and I get a little. In my past, my younger past, I would have gotten bigger and I would have gotten louder, and I would have actually ultimately gotten out of my authentic way that I wanted to communicate and connect. Because when I'm all puffed out and when I'm being big, I'm actually not allowing the connection to happen. Right. So it's like my impact is all out, and I'm not allowing myself to be impacted.

Deborah [00:20:18]:

Because the thing about impact is it is a circuit of some sort, right. Part of it is I say something, it lands for you, you say something, and then it lands for me. And that's like, we're impacting each other. And then, of course, there's my favorite way of impact, which is.

Noa [00:20:40]:

Yeah, exactly.

Deborah [00:20:43]:

Where it's like, that's also a version of impact.

Noa [00:20:49]:

What do you like about impact play?

Deborah [00:20:56]:

So, I like spanking a lot. And what I love about spanking is two things collide, right? Like my hand collides with a butt, and the impact goes into their body. But the impact also is I reverberates through my own body, right. And for me, it's a way to land in my body. When I was in college, I was studying law, and so I spent a lot of time in my head, and I really needed that landing back in my body. And so impact play. And for those of you who are listening, what I mean by impact play is something like spanking or maybe using a flogger. But where there is, as I said, two bodies colliding, I mean, sex can be incredibly impactful.

Deborah [00:21:59]:

But anyway, yeah, there we go. That's what I like about impact play. Um.

Noa [00:22:07]:

Think what's really cool is I think that impact play and a lot of the kink experiences, as well as Tantra, they create a container for play. I think what's really interesting is when people start going into the world of nominogamy or kink or exploring, workshops are such a powerful place to start because they create this container for you and they create the exercises that allow people to play. So plus one for impact play, but especially plus one when it comes to creating spaces to kind of stretch your boundaries in a safe way. Yeah.

Deborah [00:22:53]:

And all three of the things that you named non monogamy, kink, Tantra, they need a certain level of communication, and they need a certain level of the consent conversation or the setup conversation in whatever way you have that oftentimes when you were talking about the class being the container, it's like, oh, you're walking into a space where you know how long it's going to be. You've got a good idea of who's in charge, you've got a good idea of what you're going to talk about. And all those things are important in creating safety and a container.

Noa [00:23:37]:

Yeah, it's interesting because when I started and when I joined Bloom and I stepped in as the CEO, consent was like, top of mind for me. Right? Because how do you keep the community? How do you create a safe birth space for a community? And everything that people have in place usually is the enforcement and consequence side. Right? Like, here is how you report an account. Here is how you remove an account. It's all about the host action, right? And I was like, well, what about education? Right? Because our best bet at creating culture and consent and making sure things are consensual is by educating people before they transgress. So we have like once a month, we have a free consent workshop that is open to anyone on bloom, that we teach skills like how to feel into your body, furious or no, which is happening in two weeks, or how do you say no? How do you repair? How do you own your power? How are you able to roll out the red carpet to know there are so many small skills that I think we just expect people to have, but if we don't teach them, right, how do we make sure that they don't do it before it happens?

Deborah [00:25:06]:

So I'm curious, when you use the word consent, what do you mean by that?

Noa [00:25:15]:

Well, so when I think about consent, I kind of think about it in three probably sections, one. So it's all about, I would say, an ongoing collaboration between two people, right? We are now engaging in this podcast, and how do we continually show up and meet the other person where they are? So we both feel like a yes to it, and we both feel like joyful in it. And I think that they have maybe three parts of it, but one is like, how do you know what you want? How do you know if you want what the other person asks for, offers you? How do you know what you actually want to request? The two is how do we engage in the yes no conversation? How do you ask? How do you give space to no and how do you receive no? And the third part is, how do we repair? Because we're human beings and it's inevitable that hurt and harm will this. We need to both learn the skills on how to speak up when things happen, but then how to repair. And that is know when I build the community here in Maui, that was my goal. I was like, my goal for this community is for people to speak up when someone hurt them, because that is what builds safety and trust and connection. Right? Like those weird moments when you feel so scared to say that someone hurt you, but you say it and someone receives it. That is what builds roots between people.

Noa [00:26:50]:

So I love that piece the most out of all of them.

Deborah [00:26:56]:

And I want to just kind of piggyback on what you're talking about with repair and the idea that not yes, sometimes somebody needs to be asked to leave a community. But hopefully, most often we can actually come to a way of creating a conversation where there is repair, and that person who has been harmed feels held and feels, if not healed, at least on that way. And the person who has transgressed gets to understand, going back to impact again, what their impact is. And I think that. I'm really happy to see that. I feel like the repair piece is starting to be a bigger part of the conversation around consent and a bigger part of the conversation around community. Because when we first started talk about awkward, I'd say when I think about consent now versus, like, where it was five years ago, I mean, where consent was in the consent community five years ago was like, it was very rigid. If somebody was not playing well with others, they were essentially asked outside of the community versus now.

Deborah [00:28:22]:

It's sort of like, okay, how can we hold you? How can we help support you and if it's possible, integrate you back into a community? And I just really feel like that is the key piece that we need, not just in our sex positive communities, but as worldwide. It's like, how do we actually come back into community? How do we come back into having the really ugly, hard conversations of, like, your behavior has impact, and we want you to be part of us, so we need you to come back into your humanity.

Noa [00:29:12]:

Yeah. And sometimes I just wonder about, I have two kids, and when they break something or bump into each other, their first thing is like, it was an accident, or, I didn't do it on purpose. And I'm like, it doesn't matter if you did on purpose. You need to check in with the person that you smacked, or it doesn't matter if you did it or not. Like, there's something spilled here on the floor. It's all about repair, right? It's all about cleaning up. It's all about checking in. But they are not on board with that.

Noa [00:29:47]:

They're like, no, but I didn't do it. And I'm like, is that just society? Is that just being in schools enough years that you learn that you're in trouble if you did something? Or is there, like, a human thing around being afraid of making mistakes? I'm just really curious about it, because I'm like, I know that I don't punish them for what they do, and I know that I am all about repair, and yet my two kids will not repair. They see it as failure. And, yeah, about that.

Deborah [00:30:22]:

Yeah, I think society does give us a model that being wrong is bad. And if you apologize or admit to that, then there's a less than. It's hard to even change your mind about something. Like, if you had a thought in one direction and you got different information, and it's like, oh, maybe I don't actually believe that. It's even hard to publicly claim a different idea or a more upgraded or educated idea.

Noa [00:31:04]:

Yeah. And I even see that because on bloom, we have three parts of the app. One is, like, the events. So you find events. You're like, oh, I'm in Oakland, for example, or in Santa Cruz. And what's happening tonight? So you can discover, like, kink events or tantra events or dance events. The other one is matching with people and actually doing more of the traditional dating friending part. And the third one is a chat.

Noa [00:31:30]:

So there's, like, chat rooms on different. You know, it's really interesting to be like, where is my place to intervene in the chats? Like, if people start going down this spiral of not communicating well, not listening to each other, if I intervene, I am using my power. Right? I'm using my power to moderate. I'm adding bias, right? I'm adding my own bias, my own assumptions, and so continually I'm in this place that I'm like, how do I allow things to unfold for people to go through the crunchiness or for people to change their mind. And how do I balance wanting to keep people safe or wanting to create a brave container? So, yeah, it's really interesting to be a consent forward app and wanting to, because I'm a corporation, wanting to do it correctly, and also wanting to not add my own bias and acknowledging all the power and all the requirements and all the limitations, and still try and be that guidepost on how it could be. Right.

Deborah [00:32:45]:

That is a tall order. And I love that because it's this beautiful vision of creating community that has consent, that has space to be crunchy and be awkward and space to unwind and maybe come to a new thought, a new concept, a new perspective. So, speaking of the blue map, let's talk about that a little bit more, because I know one of the things that, one of the benefits that you've been finding is you've actually been learning a lot about human desire and human interaction. And I'm curious if you could share a little bit about what you've been.

Noa [00:33:42]:

So, you know, Luna Ray is the founder of Bloom, and she had this insight, which I think I follow, and everyone on the team follows, which is the best way to make connections, is by sharing meaningful experiences, by finding people who share your values, and you have some shared interest and creating, and the connection will come out of that. And that's not a new idea. Like, church has used to be one of the biggest way that people found their partners. And I think it's just like, how do we unlock more of that? So she brought the events and the shared connection part into the world of dating and friending. And we've had about, I want to say, 15,000 events on our platform. So anyone posts an event, and then we're able to see from this crazy amount of data, does it actually work? Is it true that people who share experiences actually connect at a higher rate? And it's pretty much like, hands down? Yes. Right. So if we look at people looking at profiles without going to an event and trying to match with them, the success rate is about 10% relative to if you go to an event.

Noa [00:35:02]:

So if you go to an event and then you see the profiles, you're ten times more likely to make a match with someone. And that makes sense, right? Because when I look, like you said, people have a list in their head. And when you look at people's profile without any context, you're like, no, you are not. Agriculture. Permaculture farmer. Yes, you have a unibra. That's what I love. Right.

Noa [00:35:31]:

So it's like you have all these stories in your head, and when you just look at the profiles, you just swipe based on that. And we know that that doesn't actually lead to better connection and better relationships. But if you go to an event and you're like, oh, wow, you don't have a unibrow. But I saw you set up the space, and I saw you actually help someone come into the space when they weren't sure. Or I saw you asking this really interesting question. So I want to talk to you more. And that is like the thread of connection, right? So we see people that after they go to an event, they are much more likely to connect. And I get so many emails from people being like, no one's matching with me.

Noa [00:36:15]:

Your app isn't working. And I'm like, you should go to events if you want to match with people. Go to events. Like, literally, this is your path. Go out of the house, stop swiping, and go to events and meet people.

Deborah [00:36:30]:

I'm just going to pause you there for a second because I want to be really clear that people understand how this works. So on the app, you can create a profile, and then you have the opportunity to go to an event, whether it's online or in person. And then you get an opportunity to see the profiles of people who were at the event. So you go to an event and you meet someone there, or maybe you were feeling incredibly shy that day, but you go to the event, you see somebody, and maybe you had a brief interaction with them, maybe you didn't have an interaction, but then you can go back to the app and you can start a conversation with them and be like, hey, so I noticed we were at the same event. I really appreciated the way that, as Noah was saying, you connected with that person, or you asked that question, and you might even add, I was feeling a little shy, but I want to connect with, but realized I wanted to connect with you. And so what you're saying is that after the event, there's a rise in connection. Is that accurate?

Noa [00:37:56]:

Yeah, exactly. And thank you for walking through this. And, yeah, I think you're like, oh, I really want to try this rope class. Like, I'm really curious. But you're like, I am really shy. Right? So when the app allows you to break through the shyness or break through your needs in a more constructive way. So we have a chat room. So you're like, you go into the chat room and you're like, I'm new here.

Noa [00:38:23]:

Has anyone been to this rope class? And people are like, yes, I've been there. I come every two weeks. Or some people are like, I'm new there as well. You want to meet for a drink before this workshop? So we see part of the connection happening leading up to an event when people are embarrassed or scared or nervous about going. And then we see the connection happen after the event where you're like, oh, I noticed you, or I had an experience with you, and I missed the opportunity to ask for your number, or I was too shy. So we see that connection happening there, that you can reach out to them on the app. And, yeah, that connection is ten times more likely to lead to a match relative to just looking at random profiles.

Deborah [00:39:13]:

So it's having the experience before making the. And I'm using connection.

Noa [00:39:23]:

Cool.

Deborah [00:39:24]:

So what other kinds of things have you found?

Noa [00:39:29]:

We found pretty. Yeah, I think it's so interesting. One of the things that I found is actually a need for much. We were talking about the happy hour, right? In some way before, like, happy hours can be so surface level. But what I actually found is that these low investment experiences are really needed. So a lot of people, I can imagine them like penguins standing in front of the waterhole, and they're like, I want to jump in. It looks too scary. I want to jump in.

Noa [00:40:07]:

And we're like, how can we allow the penguins to jump in and trust? And one of them is like FoMo. If you go to the chat and see a lot of people jumping, and you're like, I'm going to do it. But the other one is, how do we actually make it easier? How do we bridge the gap between, I am here working on my computer all day, and I want to eyegaze and do energy exchange with someone. And I think the way we do it is by these lightweight intro events. So one of the things that really I'm investing in is, yeah, how do I create more of these easy events to come and try out the community? Because really, the value of them really happens when you're early on. So part of my work is being like, oh, talking to organizers that do, like, the deep dive events, right, like bonobo networks that does play parties. And I'm like, okay, what if we did a second base party that is like, it's a full on play party, but it's a second base party. Or we work really closely with afterdark, who does kink dungeon events.

Noa [00:41:20]:

And we're like, hey, after dark. What if we did a kinky speed dating event before the party? So this way people could feel what it's like and get to know you. What we see is that that works, right? That people are really hungry for this entry level, and it creates this commitment to the community that then keeps on showing up. And I think as I build Bloom, I think I want to do more of that. I want to see the events that Bloom co hosts with others or organize ourselves as just a way for people to come in and actually try know.

Deborah [00:42:01]:

It's funny, the ways that I learned about Bloom was I was leading a cacao happy hour at the center way back when, and I was approached and said, how would you like it if we, you know, would you be open to this? And it was really interesting because it was got to. Because the event that I hosted was, I like to bring people together. I like to have them introduce themselves to each other. And I'm big on celebrating things. And so we brought people together and did that, and then they had the opportunity to connect afterwards. And so I love that you're talking about bringing these, as you said, lower stakes events for people to connect. And again, it's like we don't know what the connection is until we make it right. So it's like I always say, my speed date event.

Deborah [00:43:05]:

I run an event called Tantra Speed Date. And at my speed date event, I'm always like, you could find the one. You could find your housemate, you could find your business partner. And for me, it's like, or you could find your handyman who brings it in on time. Beautiful quality, and under market, right? So it just depends on what you're looking for. And people are showing up at these events from all sorts of different places. There are people who are ready for the one. There are people who are like, oh, my God, this is the first time I've been in public in three years.

Deborah [00:43:45]:

So really having that, allowing people to be where they're at and show up is so important. And so I love hearing that that's part of where you're headed with bloom.

Noa [00:43:58]:

And I also hear exactly what you're saying, which is when I ask people about the benefit of bloom, and that's why I think it's going to be interesting to see how the app actually unfolds in terms of your own profile, because when you sign up, it looks like a dating app. You're like, I'm interested in this. I'm open to. This is my relationship orientation. But what we know is that most people find friendships in more platonic friendship, community level relationships, even though five of my friends right now are dating people that they met on bloom. But I still think that the experience of connection is more platonic and deep, more than romantic and hookup. And so part of me is this thing, like, how do we keep people open to that? How do we keep people open to the magic is really in. I think it's all like, this is also me.

Noa [00:45:01]:

We're all a product of our culture, and everyone tells us that you want to find the couple. Like, the couple is the goal. But I'm like, wow, I have a sexy bestie. We party so hard, and we dance so much, and we do shenanigans. She's, like an incredible attachment figure for me, an incredible joy in my life, and I would never give her up. It's like, how do we show people that that's an option where they're currently extremely alone and they're just looking for that couple?

Deborah [00:45:34]:

Yeah. And thinking about what you were saying about the platonic relationship, it used to be expected that we would be introduced by a friend or by our community to our coupledom, if that's what we're looking for. And so in a certain way, it's kind of bringing that possibility back, because I think that's one of the best things ever, is like, oh, Sean meets. You guys have this really fun thing. I like to sneak people together where it's just like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be it. I love that. As an event producer, I've really been appreciating the ease at which bloom, how easy it is to use, and I'm wondering if you want to speak a little bit to what's in it for the producer on Bloom.

Noa [00:46:43]:

At the end of the day, I see ourselves as a platform. Right? I want to create the space for people to make connections, whether it's human to human or organizer to member. And I think the world is really difficult to navigate, because I remember when I moved to the bay, I was like, I'm sure that there is sexy people here, or sexy events. And it was like, websites from, you know, where I'm like, is it still happening? Facebook shadow bans a lot of these accounts. Also, you can't find anything on Facebook or social media, and it's just really hard. And then there's, like, fetlife. That in itself is such an intense experience. And you're like, how do we allow people to find each other? And then the other side, which I know because I did festivals for a while, but my partner produces Soulplay, is like, it's really hard to find people.

Noa [00:47:40]:

Right? You are, like, nonstop in the spin of like, can I post my event in every Facebook group and in every channel? It's just like, so much work. And I'm like, okay, the two sides of the market want to connect. There's, like, the audience, the individual that wants to find events. There's the organizer that wants to find people. And how do we create that? So that's really our mission. And in some way, so anyone can upload any event to bloom. It's free. Obviously, there's like, you can auto pull from eventbrite.

Noa [00:48:15]:

And we know that people find other. Know my biggest concern when I joined Bloom was, is this actually working for organizers, or are we just another Facebook group that people. No, we allow hundreds of people every week to find new events that they've never heard. It's. Yeah, it's been really cool. I think there's just so much value. Speaking of, we all grow in a scarcity mindset today. There's not enough good people, there's not enough money, there's not enough jobs.

Noa [00:48:47]:

I feel like the world that Bloom is playing in right now, there is so much abundance. There is abundance of people looking for events. There's abundance of workshops, and there's actual value and connection being had all the time. It's super cool.

Deborah [00:49:05]:

So good. So in a moment, I'm going to ask you, I know that there's some changes and some things that you're really excited about bringing forward with bloom. So in a moment, I'm going to ask you to fill us in on that. Yeah, but I want to take a moment and just let people know how they can support the better sex podcast. And so a podcast is an amazing place to get information. And sometimes we need more support than that to help us to get the results that we're looking for. And so because of that, as a sex and relationship coach, I am loving to invite people from the podcast to join me in a one on one consultation. And this is one of those experiences where you get my exquisite attention on you and there'll be more information in the show notes.

Deborah [00:50:06]:

But yeah, so I'd love to invite you to come and join me and have a conversation.

Noa [00:50:14]:

Are you going to talk about the conference?

Deborah [00:50:18]:

Thank you for bringing that up. And so I am about to launch the better sex, the second better sex summit. I've got over twelve people who are amazing experts in their own right. We're talking about all sorts of things. We're talking about relationship is foreplay. We are talking about consent. We're talking about kink is healing. We're talking about butt sex, all sorts of good things.

Deborah [00:50:51]:

Again, you'll see the link in the show notes. And then, thank you so much for encouraging me to share.

Noa [00:51:00]:

Yeah, well, this is part of it, and I feel it on myself, but it's so hard to sell ourselves and it's so hard. I talk to educators all the time, and I'm like, you need to charge money for all this work that you do. This is valuable for people. And we all fall in the trap of not wanting to charge and feeling awkward about it. How do we make it more organic? How do we make it more okay? Sometimes people email me and they're like, you should tell your organizers that if the speed dating was just $10 instead of 20, more people would come. And I was like, yeah, I get it. And why shouldn't they get $20 per? Like, there's just, like, something that as a population, we are so nervous about, people making money off of our connection or something that feels natural. But I'm like, yeah, why is it okay to charge, like, $15 for an avocado toast, but it's not okay to charge $15 for 2 hours of an experience? No, that is not okay.

Noa [00:52:13]:

The people that I know spend so much time and they do it because they're so passionate about it. We should celebrate people doing it and actually give them our money so they keep on doing it more because it's hard work. So thank you for promoting yourself, and I hope people here book a consultation and come to the summit.

Deborah [00:52:33]:

I love that. Thank you so much. And I think as we're speaking, connection is priceless, and the work that we're doing, connection is not only priceless, but it is the way to a better world. The more connected we are to ourselves, to each other, to know the conversations to happen in their awkward weirdness, the better the world is going to be. I truly believe that, and I'm so excited to have you and to have bloom as part of the world, creating something better and different. And I'm just curious, if somebody were to get, like, one thing from our conversation here today, what would you like them to walk away with?

Noa [00:53:31]:

Okay. My one thing, I hope, is that people come out with the unshakable intuition that there is more out for them. I know a ton of people that are not really listening. They have a hunch that there is more in life. They have a hunch that they could have better sex. They have a hunch that they could find belonging. But they're like, no, it's not really happening. No, and I hope that there will be that seed that is unshakable, that will give them some level of boldness and bravery to go out and go to one event and be like, wow, there's actually people out there that are waiting to talk to me and do cool stuff.

Noa [00:54:20]:

And that would be the first moment of feeling like they are actually the drivers of their reality and their dreams.

Deborah [00:54:30]:

So good. All right, well, you can find Noah at Bloomcommunity app.com. All right, bloomcommunity.com. And highly recommend that you join us on the app. Thank you so much for your time and your energy and for all of the work that you're doing in the world to bring more connection. And I'll say, better sex. But anyway, so again, thank you so much. Please follow her on all of the socials.

Deborah [00:55:10]:

And please, if this episode has inspired you, if there's somebody who needs to hear this episode, please share it. Please, like, subscribe and comment wherever you find your podcasts. Thank you again, so much.

Noa [00:55:29]:

Thank you so much, Deborah.