Prostate Pleasure From The Man Who Wrote The Book with Charlie Glickman
In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I talk with PhD, Sex and Relationship Coach, Sexuality Educator, and Sexological Bodyworker Charlie Glickman. Charlie shares his extensive experience and wisdom from over three decades of working in the field of sexuality education. We talk about his book, "The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure" providing listeners with an in-depth look at the pleasures and benefits of prostate stimulation for cisgender men, as well as touching on experiences for transgender women, non-binary, and gender-neutral individuals with prostates. As Charlie shares about his own journey to sexual education, he shares about the importance of somatic education in learning about one’s erotic experience. We also talk about anal play sharing methods to overcome common concerns such as fear of pain or concerns about masculinity and sexual orientation. He gives us some valuable tools for respectful language to help create pressure-free sexual environments with your partner. Charlie leaves us with encouragement to embrace sex positivity and an invitation to explore the transformative power of vulnerability in intimate relationships.
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In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Deborah [00:00:03]:
Welcome to the better sex podcast. My name is Deborah Kat, and I am your shameless host. This is the Better Sex podcast, where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships. This is about the many possibilities of sex and relationships and helping you figure out what works for you so that you can have better sex on your terms. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part in creating a safe and sexy world, please hit like subscribe and leave a comment wherever you listen to podcasts. Today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, Charlie Glickman. I'm so excited he's here.
Deborah [00:00:57]:
Could I just say that first off? So Charlie Glickman is a PhD and a sex and relationship coach, a sexuality educator, a sexological bodyworker, and an internationally acclaimed speaker. He's been working in this field for over 30 years. Some of his areas of focus include sex and shame sex, positivity, queer issues, masculinity and gender, communities of erotic affiliation, and many sexual and relationship practices. Charlie is also the author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure erotic exploration for men and their partners. In February 2023, Charlie completed an accountability process. Charlie, I am so ridiculously excited to have you here today. He and I have been circling around for I think we figured maybe 20 years. We've been circling around for so long that we're not exactly sure where we met, but I'm awfully glad we did.
Deborah [00:02:08]:
And I just want to say that one of the ways I know you best is the man with the answers to all things but sex.
Charlie G [00:02:21]:
It's not exactly what I thought I'd be known for, but I'm really happy that it is, so that's pretty cool.
Deborah [00:02:27]:
Yeah, it is an unusual moniker. So tell me, how did you get here?
Charlie G [00:02:38]:
Well, let's see if we really want to go back to that radioactive spider moment. Where it all started was when I was in college. I was 19, and this is 1989, so I'll leave it to the listeners to do the math on that. But I came out as bisexual. Queer was not yet a thing except as an insult. I came out as bisexual, and I joined my campus student group doing LGB outreach. T got added that year. So this is how old this was 30 years ago.
Charlie G [00:03:18]:
And this was also before there were any treatments for HIV. All there was at that point was safer sex. So there was even more anxiety around it than there is today. Anxiety and fear. And so, of course, as a man doing these presentations, I would always get questions about HIV. What's your concerns about it? How do you feel about it? Are you worried about it? When you start talking about things like that, you quickly shift into safer sex education, because how can I talk about these topics without also giving information about how to keep yourself as safe as possible. And once you start explaining to people how to put on a condom, they start asking you things like, how do I talk to my partner about this? And once you start helping them figure out how to talk to their partner about it, they start asking questions like, how do I give a good blowjob? Or I have pain during sex? What could help with that? And it kind of grew from there, and I love it. I've never done work in any other field.
Charlie G [00:04:35]:
A lot of my colleagues, it's their second career or maybe even a third. Sexuality education and coaching has been my work since I was 19. It's taken many different shapes over time as I've grown and as the culture has shifted. But it really all came down to people asking me questions, and I wanted to be able to give them good answers.
Deborah [00:05:02]:
Beautiful. Thank you. So that kind of covers the sex educator part of things I'm curious if you could talk to. First of all, tell us, what is sexological body work and how would seeing a sexological body worker be useful and supportive?
Charlie G [00:05:24]:
Sure. So sexological body work is also known as somatic sex education, depending on who you talk to about that, sometimes that's an easier thing to say than sexological. It's a mouthful, as it were. You'll get a different answer depending on who you ask. So I'll give you my answer, but remember that somebody else might frame it differently. But I think of somatic sex education or sexological body work as somatic education in erotic embodiment. So let me break that down. Somatic means body based.
Charlie G [00:06:03]:
We're not talking about it, only we're doing something experiential. It's body based. It's how you feel, not just how you think. It's educational because each session we do, there's an intention, I want to learn about this thing. I want to figure this thing out. The focus is on the education. Erotic. We're talking about sexuality.
Charlie G [00:06:34]:
It doesn't necessarily mean that we're doing anything directly genital, although that is something that sexological body workers often do. But it is about our erotic selves. So if we're doing an exercise on boundaries, it's not just an exercise on boundaries. It's your erotic boundaries, your sexual boundaries and embodiment. This comes back to the somatic piece. How do you stay present in your body when you are having a sexual experience? Do you tune out or check out because things get scary? Or do you get distracted by the porn movie in your head or on the screen in front of you? I want to be clear, I'm not porn shaming because I think porn can be a lot of fun, but it can also lead us to check out during sex. So somatic education in erotic embodiment, body based learning in your sexual self.
Deborah [00:07:40]:
Got it. Thank you.
Charlie G [00:07:42]:
And it can take a lot of different shapes. It can take a lot of different shapes. So if somebody out there is thinking about finding a practitioner, if you do find somebody and the way they approach it doesn't feel like it's quite on target for you, look for someone else, because everyone has their own area expertise.
Deborah [00:08:02]:
Yeah. And I think that's so important, no matter what kind of professional you are engaging with, that a, they have the knowledge that you're looking for, and B, there is some comfort and some rapport, and it feels like you can relax and be open about whatever needs to come up for your healing. Beautiful. Thank you for that. Why might somebody seek a somatic educator?
Charlie G [00:08:39]:
Well, I'm a big fan of therapy. I have personally benefited tremendously through my work with therapists. But one of the limits of therapy is that we're talking about things, usually things that happened in the past, even if it was only a fight. I got in with my partner an hour before the appointment. We're talking about things retrospectively, and there's a lot of value there. But there's also a real limit to what can happen there. Sometimes it works better to actually practice something in real time. And I'll give you an example.
Charlie G [00:09:20]:
I had a client once, a cisgender woman, who was getting back into dating after being married for quite some time and then being single for quite some time. And she could tell you up and down how important it is to be able to set your boundaries with a partner, but she couldn't actually do it. So we sat down on the couch in my office, and this was all pre negotiated, but I put my hand on her thigh as if we were watching a movie, and I just made a little physical contact. And then she got to practice in real time, asking me telling me to take my hand away. And I could give her feedback, like, you said that so softly, I would have missed it if I wasn't paying really close attention. And then she overcorrected, and I was able to say, okay, well, you were more direct that time. That might be fine for some people, but for other people, that could feel really aggressive and really off putting. And so we were able to experiment until we got to the point where she took my hand and took it off of her thigh and put it on her shoulder, and she said, hey, you know, I'm enjoying being here with you.
Charlie G [00:10:40]:
I'd prefer it if you touched me here. We could play with that in real time rather than retrospectively. And so it took us half an hour to do something that she had never been able to do in many years of therapy because it's just the wrong tool for the job.
Deborah [00:11:01]:
Got it. So she was able to feel the feeling, decide what she wanted to do next, and then express that desire. And it's funny as I'm saying this, I'm not exactly sure I know what I think of about boundaries, but I'm curious what you would say expressing a boundary. Like, what are the steps for boundaries?
Charlie G [00:11:31]:
It really depends on what the boundary is, what the relationship is. The way that I would tell my partner that I wasn't in the mood to be touched is very different from telling someone who was a stranger sitting next to me at the bus stop. So this is part of the challenge with boundaries, is that because it is so variable, I find rather than trying to come up with a script ABCDE instead, what works better is how do you feel your inner truth, your inner wisdom about what you want in this moment? How do you voice that? So it's really more about principles to follow rather than a script. Boundary work in particular, I love helping people explore their boundaries, because if you can't say no, you don't have an authentic yes either. And I want everybody to be able to have an authentic yes. So we have to start with the no.
Deborah [00:12:42]:
Absolutely. I am 100% with you on that. I like to steal reeds yes is yes. No is no, maybe is no. And all of this can change.
Charlie G [00:12:56]:
Yeah. And there's a lot of reasons why people have trouble around this. A million and one reason. Gender, race, power dynamics, trauma, physical ability, experiences with your family growing up. There's a lot, you know, it sounds very simple know, quote Nancy Reagan again, dating myself to tell someone to just say no. But it's actually far more complicated than that. And so one of my favorite things as a practitioner is when somebody claims they're no with like, that's a win that puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day because that means that somebody had one of the most important breakthroughs that they can have.
Deborah [00:13:52]:
Absolutely. And hearing you say that, I'm just kind of reflecting that as a kid, oftentimes we don't have the freedom. We're not allowed to say no. And so it's kind of this interesting thing. Like, so many weird things about our culture. It's like we have no power, and then all of a sudden we're 18, and all of a sudden we're supposed to know all these things, and we're supposed to have all this power. Just like I don't know if you work with clients that have this experience, but I work with a lot of clients that come from backgrounds where it's like, sex is bad, sex is wrong. Save it for marriage and the one you love.
Deborah [00:14:38]:
And then all of a sudden you're married and you're supposed to know how to do it.
Charlie G [00:14:45]:
That one happens a lot. That one happens a lot more than people realize. And I think that part of what you're getting at there is that there are so many different reasons why we have to teach our kids better. And I say our kids. I don't have children. I always say that because it's easy for me to say these things. I know it's a lot harder to put into practice. But, for example, the difference between saying to a child, go give Grandma a kiss versus would you like to give grandma a kiss? And we're starting to see these changes.
Charlie G [00:15:25]:
There's no way to take away people's autonomy as children and then expect them to understand it when they're adults. It would be like saying to somebody, be like saying to a child, I'm not going to teach you about money. I'm not going to let you handle cash. I'm not going to give you a bank account. You'll never have an ATM card or a credit card. Oh, it's your 18th birthday. Here's a debit card. Good luck, kid.
Deborah [00:15:53]:
Yeah. And unfortunately, we do that. I like to say that sex and money are the big taboos. We do that with both sex and money.
Charlie G [00:16:07]:
I would include in that imagination once said something very similar, although they said sex, money, and death are the three topics that all couples will have to face together if they stay together long enough, and including under death, medical issues, but we don't get very good training in how to talk about any of them. And what would it be like if I could just sit down with you and have a frank conversation about it?
Deborah [00:16:38]:
Oh, that's so good. And I just want to come back to the difference between give Grandma a kiss and would you like to? I think, would you like that's such a powerful phrase, and it's an opening phrase, and I believe it's the difference between it actually brings more consent into the difference between can I hold your hand? Or would you like me to hold your hand?
Charlie G [00:17:14]:
Or the way I might phrase it is, if you'd enjoy it, I would love to hold your hand, because now I'm not asking for permission. I'm owning my desire. I would love to hold your hand, but I'm prefacing it by saying, if you'd enjoy it, because if you wouldn't enjoy it, I don't want to. If you're available Friday, I'd love to take you out for dinner. If you're into it, I would really enjoy giving you a blowjob. These are the ways that we can right? Sexy, right? This is how we can land so differently.
Deborah [00:17:59]:
Just like hearing you say that, noticing, like, oh, that's actually kind of hot. Which, of course, I'm totally blushing, by the way, for those that can't see me, which is everybody but Charlie. But I think that's so important, just these little things around how to bring in consent and how to do it in a way that's sexy and that feels good, because I think one of the things that I often hear is with some of the couples I work with, it's like I don't want it to feel planned. I want it to be spontaneous. So that's one of the arguments. I get around putting something on the calendar or different ways of speaking, but really, literally, the way that you said that it landed in a way that was really kind of a turn on.
Charlie G [00:19:06]:
Yay. I love that. I do want to say one thing about what just said too, because I think it's really important. People have this idea that the best sex is spontaneous, and if you are a skilled lover, you can do that in the same way that somebody who is a skilled chef can walk into the kitchen, look at what's in the fridge in the pantry, and put something together. But planning for sex gets a bad rap. And yet people don't like to admit how much planning for sex they do. And here's what I mean. Let's imagine I'm going out on a on a date with somebody, and I'm hoping that we're going to have sex that night.
Charlie G [00:19:52]:
Well, I've done my hair, I've shaved, I've done my makeup, I've put on fancy clothes. Am I wearing the cute underwear? Did I lay out all of the pillows? Are the candles available? Did I brush my teeth? We actually do a lot of planning for sex, but we take plausible deniability by saying, well, I'm just hedging my bets just in case. Or I wasn't really planning for it, I was just making it more possible. But that's the same thing. So what I tell people when they don't want to plan for sex is, okay, don't plan for sex, but plan to have some quality time together. Or as Anne hotter schiff puts it in her revised love languages, she calls it intentional engagement, which I actually like more than quality time. Plan for some intentional engagement. And if that involves getting sexy, great.
Charlie G [00:20:58]:
But there's no pressure to be sexy. If what the two of you do is hold hands and go for a walk around the park and talk about what's really present in your hearts, that's a win.
Deborah [00:21:12]:
Absolutely.
Charlie G [00:21:13]:
So don't make it about planning for sex. Make it about planning for opportunities for connection. Takes a lot of the pressure off.
Deborah [00:21:22]:
Absolutely. Well, and I love what you were saying about, like, we already do because it's so true. I had to crack up when you were talking about the cute underwear because it's like there's definitely the daily and the date night. But it does kind of make me curious. Why do you think that we're so hesitant to plan for sex, if you will? What is that?
Charlie G [00:21:56]:
I think it's a few things. I think some of it is sex negativity because planning for sex requires us to acknowledge that we want to have sex, and there's all kinds of baggage people have around that. But also, look at the way that sex is consistently presented in the media. And I'm not even talking about porn. I'm talking about mainstream movies where what is presented as like, the best, most passionate most intimate sex is spontaneous, there's usually some sort of barrier or drama like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this, right? But it's presented as if we're just going to get swept away on a tidal wave of passion. And that feeling of getting swept away is the plausible deniability. They've done studies with teenage girls and young women and looking at how frequently these young women, they don't want to admit that they want to have sex because then they get slut shamed. So instead, if their usually boyfriend but partner of whatever gender gets them so turned on that they just can't help themselves, they're swept away on a wave of passion, then I don't need to own my desires.
Charlie G [00:23:24]:
Right, but I'm sorry, the problem with that, just to finish this loop, is that they don't have condoms, they don't have birth control, because taking those steps would risk slut shaming. So this idea that we should just be swept away by our passion can actually lead to some pretty significant consequences.
Deborah [00:23:53]:
Yeah.
Charlie G [00:23:53]:
How many people out there go ahead.
Deborah [00:23:56]:
No, finish what you were going to say.
Charlie G [00:23:59]:
I was just going to say how many people out there have experienced unwanted pregnancy or STI transmission because they didn't take precautions, because precautions would mean that they would get slut shamed.
Deborah [00:24:16]:
Yeah, it's so god, I so feel that. Because as you said, this idea of that would mean to have condoms means to own desire, means to own passion, means to have thought about or planned it so that you're no longer swept away, so it becomes a more conscious act. It's so interesting. There's some conversations that I start on and I'm just like, wow, I really hadn't thought about it this way before, but it's so true. And one of the questions I had was actually, in your bio, you talked about sex positivity. It sounds like this is what it is, but I'm wondering if you could actually expand that a little bit.
Charlie G [00:25:21]:
Sure. So I want to start by saying what sex positivity is not because there's often a lot of confusion about this. Sex positivity is not having a zillion partners, doing all the wild, crazy, kinky sex, doing the kinky, doing the spanking. You're absolutely free to do all of those things, but that does not make you necessarily sex positive, because you can do all of that stuff and still be very judgmental towards yourself or others. So my definition of sex positivity is that it is the belief or the perspective that the only relevant measure of any sexual act or experience is the consent, pleasure and well being of the people who do it and the people who are affected by it. So, for example, if two men are having anal intercourse, see, that's me bringing it back full circle here, that's going to bring up a lot of feelings for a lot of people. But unless you are one of those two men, or you are somebody who is directly affected by their behavior, you don't get to judge what they're doing because it's not relevant. Your feelings about their sexuality are yours, but they do not actually reflect anything on these other people.
Charlie G [00:26:59]:
And I want to acknowledge consent, pleasure, well being are hard to define. You know, that's where we leave it up to people's autonomy. If you Deborah, if you tell me you had an experience and consent and pleasure and well being are all ten out of ten, it's not up to me to judge what you did. That would be arrogant. And people who judge other folks sexuality are often kind of arrogant about it.
Deborah [00:27:33]:
Yeah. I also feel like folks who.
Charlie G [00:27:41]:
Sort.
Deborah [00:27:41]:
Of use the ideas of the gender binary of you're not masculine enough or you're not feminine enough. Also, that comes from a place of arrogance and judgment and really not understanding the fluidity of what happens when we're in sexual experiences. This is my point of view here, so let me own it. But if you have two people who come together and one person is super directive and super active and that's the only role they're allowed to play, and then you have somebody who's on the other side of that and all they can do is they're on the receptive side and the flow side. It's such a one way experience that I think a I don't see it as being actually possible because if you're not receiving as you're giving, then maybe you get all of your pleasure from giving. I get that. But there's got to be a little I would posit that there's a little bit of receptivity going on there. So I think that good sex, in my experience, in my book, without judgment on anything else, means that there is flow throughout.
Deborah [00:29:14]:
If I want to get on top of my partner because that's what feels good for me. That's what feels good for him and take a more active role, then that's part of what makes good sex in my world is it's like that we change, that we shift, that we play back and forth. That there is play that goes back and forth. Anyway. Stepping down from the soapbox now?
Charlie G [00:29:40]:
No, I'm with you on all of that. And unfortunately, in sexuality communities, because so many of us have experienced deep shame and trauma around our sexual selves, there is sometimes an overcorrection where people will say, well, if you're not polyamorous, you're just stuck in your monogamy shame. If you don't do kinky sex, then you're just boring and vanilla and what's wrong with you? There is still that internalized sex, negativity and shaming of others that frequently we develop because of our own experiences of trauma and shaming in the past. So I'm always very cautious when discussing sex positivity because it can touch on so many hot button issues for folks.
Deborah [00:30:40]:
And so I just want to go back for a moment and reiterate when we're talking about sex positivity, what we're talking about is an experience that the people within the experience are consensual, are in agreement and in enjoyment. And that really the only people that matter in that experience are the people who are doing what they're doing. Would you say that did I get that right?
Charlie G [00:31:11]:
Or the people who were affected by it?
Deborah [00:31:13]:
Or the people who are affected by it?
Charlie G [00:31:15]:
And that's relevant too, because maybe I get really turned on by being an exhibitionist. If I go to a sex party where people have consented to see me naked, great. But that doesn't give me the right to walk through my local park without clothes on because that affects all these other people, right? That's where it can get a little bit tricky. If my partner and I really like spanking, but my roommate has some triggers around being beaten as a child. This is all made up, by the way, not about anybody specific, but if my housemate hears my partner and me doing a spanking session, that might be really upsetting to them. So how do we navigate that that's part of sex positivity too? How do we make room for that? This is something that comes up a lot around anal play. See, this is me bringing it back again because so many people have so much shame around anal play. So when our book came out that I co wrote The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, the majority of the response that we received was very positive.
Charlie G [00:32:37]:
And I got some people who disengaged from me because now I was being more public, talking about a topic that they had a lot of shame around. It happens.
Deborah [00:32:54]:
So I'm curious when the title is The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure. Erotic exploration for men and their partners. And I'm wondering so I'm imagining men have prostates, so I would imagine that would be that they are the receivers in the book. Is that accurate?
Charlie G [00:33:20]:
It is, although I want to include in this. We chose that title specifically because we were talking about cisgender men's experiences, because that's what we had the most information around. But transgender women and people with penises, but who are gender queer or non binary or agender can still get a lot out of prostate play or whatever terminology they want to use to describe their bodies. But we didn't speak to their experiences specifically because I really felt like, well, Aislin, my co author and I, we both really felt that this was a situation where we wanted to make room for the voices of people with prostates who were not cisgender men, but we couldn't speak for them. So we do mention it somewhat. But I think this is one of those cases of nothing about us without us. I would love to collaborate with some transgender folks and non binary folks or gender neutral folks with prostates to talk about what their experiences of that are.
Deborah [00:34:43]:
So I just want to be clear that people listening may or may not know what the prostate is. Can you speak a little bit to what it is and the pleasure that's possible?
Charlie G [00:35:02]:
Now you're talking my language. Let me talk about anatomy first, just so folks understand. The prostate is a gland. It's about the size of a plum. It sits underneath the bladder and it's a doughnut shape. So the tube, the urethra that leads out of the bladder and out through the penis, passes through the center of the prostate. From a reproductive angle, the prostate produces somewhere between 30% to 50% of the fluid in semen sperm, which come from the testicles 3% of the volume. Which is why folks who have vasectomies, there's no change in volume, color, taste, texture of semen.
Charlie G [00:35:52]:
The prostate gland produces about half of it. The other half is produced by the seminal vesicles which sit on the prostate like a little pair of wings. And what happens during arousal is blood flow kicks in and the gland starts to fill up with fluid. And then during ejaculation, there's that point that everybody with a penis has experienced at some point if they've had an orgasm, where that moment of no return, what that sensation is, is the prostate squeezing all of those fluids into the urethra and that sets off the ejaculation reflex. So once you hit the point of no return, don't stop because you've switched on the roller coaster and nothing's going to make it slow down at that point. So that's from a reproductive angle, from an erotic perspective, the prostate is often called the male G spot and there's a lot of reasons for that. It's about the same distance inside. So if you insert a finger or two, analy rather than vaginally, and then curl your fingers towards the belly button, just like with the G spot.
Charlie G [00:37:14]:
And the way that people describe prostate pleasure and prostate orgasms is very similar to the way that people describe G spot orgasms. They're bigger, they're more expansive, they're not focused on my genitals, they're more full body, they can be rolling waves of pleasure rather than like a quick spike of pleasure and then a drop. So we use a lot of the same language and a lot of the same techniques, actually. If you know how to do anal play safely and you know how to do G spot play, put the two together and you've got about 80% of prostate play, which is a nice tip for people because it's nice to not have to learn a whole new skill set.
Deborah [00:38:04]:
Love hearing that. God, I've got so many questions. So I'm curious, what do you find to be the biggest barrier that people have to anal poi and that can know male bodied or female bodied?
Charlie G [00:38:23]:
Yeah, well, so before we wrote the book Aisleyn and I did a survey and we heard from both men and partners, from men and. We heard three things come up over and over again. The first two apply to anybody of any gender as the primary concerns, which are is this going to hurt? And is this going to get messy? And my two answers to those questions are if you're doing it correctly and safely, it should not hurt. Never, ever endure unpleasant touch during sex. I'm not going to say don't let pain happen because people who like kinky sex might like to have a little pain, but let that pain be like oh, I'm biting your neck. Oh, I'm pinching your nipples, I'm spanking your booty. Anal pain, especially if you're new to this kind of play, means you need to adjust what you're doing. Shouldn't ever hurt.
Charlie G [00:39:26]:
This is why I tell people not to copy porn, because what happens in porn is they do all of the warm up before they get on camera, right? In the same way that when you're watching a sports game, they might show 15 seconds of pitcher warming up in the bullpen, but they don't show like the 2 hours of stretching and massage and this and that that they're all doing before a game. Porn professionals do all of that before they get on camera. So shouldn't ever hurt. The second one is this going to get messy? That's a question of hygiene. People can do all kinds of things like enemas to rinse out. You can use gloves. I'm a big fan of using gloves because it also covers up little rough edges on your fingernails on your calluses or whatever. Hygiene pretty straightforward.
Charlie G [00:40:20]:
The third issue that came up was one that was specifically for men, though, which can take a lot of shapes. They all fall under the category of does this mean I'm less of a man? Does this mean I'm gay? Does this mean I'm taking on the woman's role? Does this mean I'm not masculine enough? And my response to that well, there's two pieces. One for the people who are heterosexual. What defines heterosexuality is the gender of the people doing it. If you're not of the same gender, then any sexual act the two of you do is by definition heterosexual. So a woman wearing a strap on and pegging her boyfriend, that is still heterosexual sex. So that's one piece of that. The other piece of that though is that masculinity or gender is really not defined by what kinds of sex we like to have.
Charlie G [00:41:27]:
We have this very weird idea in this culture that when it comes to sex, at least male female sex, men do, women receive, men give women orgasms. Women give men blow jobs because it's just assumed he's going to have an orgasm.
Deborah [00:41:45]:
Well and it's assumed he's going to want a blow job.
Charlie G [00:41:49]:
There's also that. Yes, absolutely. But the thing that I think is really key in this is that we don't need to allow our sexual behavior to be the definition of our gender they're just not the same thing. And the number of heterosexual men who have told me that, for example, once they experienced anal play receiving, they became much more sensitive attuned lovers because they finally understood the vulnerability of having somebody enter your body.
Deborah [00:42:27]:
Right?
Charlie G [00:42:29]:
To me, that's powerful. To me, that's really powerful. I've talked with a lot of partners of men across the gender range who have told me that they too noticed that when their male partner started receiving anal penetration, they became much more thoughtful partners in bed. So those are the three, and two of them are for folks of all genders, the concerns that come up, and then that last one is specifically for men. That's why we actually devote an entire chapter in the book just to that question of, like, what does this imply for my masculinity?
Deborah [00:43:12]:
Thank you. So in a minute, I'm going to ask you for some tips for both genders, because I know that while we don't always talk about anal pleasure for women outside of the porn realm, it can be incredibly pleasurable. And so in a minute, I'm going to ask for some tips on that. But first, I just want to take a moment and let people know how they can support the Better Sex podcast, because sex is a really complex subject and it can really make or break a relationship. And unfortunately, most of us don't grow up in an environment where talking about sex is welcome. That's why I created the Better Sex Membership, a place to learn about and put into action tools to become a better lover and to increase the pleasure in your relationships. So if you're bored or sexually unfulfilled, you can get the support you need. Let's face it, a podcast is just not enough.
Deborah [00:44:28]:
It's not enough. There's practice that needs to happen if you're ready for the tools and tips and exercises so that you can learn more, the Better Sex Membership might be for you. I want to invite you to check out the details in the show notes below. So, now that I've given you a moment or so, I'm curious, what would you say to female bodied people about the best way to receive or give? Actually, I guess what would your tip be for female bodied people on either.
Charlie G [00:45:07]:
End of the well? My tips for everybody, actually, when it comes to anal play, the first, most important thing you can do is breathe, because if you hold your breath, your body tightens up, including your pelvic floor. The best breath work technique that I have found for anal play is to extend your exhalations longer than the inhalations, because that physiologically slows the nervous system down and brings in relaxation. This is a very common breath work technique. What I recommend is breathe in on a two count and then breathe out through your mouth like you're blowing out a candle, but you want to just barely blow the candle out and stretch it as long as you can without effort, and then breathe in without effort. Long, slow exhalation. This will actually help your body relax. For partners, the person who's giving rather than telling your receiver, oh, hey, honey, take a breath, calm down. Because that has never worked.
Charlie G [00:46:18]:
No one has ever calmed down because they were told to instead say to your partner, hey, sexy, let's take a couple of breaths together by doing it together. I'm not telling you what to do. This is a collaboration. But also I'm feeling you slow down. You're feeling me? Slow down. So now we are co regulating our nervous systems together. That will go a long way. Second thing is that any kind of erotic anal touch counts as anal sex.
Charlie G [00:46:59]:
So, for example, if a cisgender woman likes to receive intercourse doggy style, where her partner strokes their thumb across the anal opening, that is anal sex. So start off making the anal play a side dish along with something you already know you like. Some people will be able to turn it into a main course. Other people, it's always going to be a side dish. No big deal. I have a friend who she loves anal play. She loves it, loves it, loves it. But only if she is also using a vibrator on her claris.
Charlie G [00:47:44]:
Hey, go for it. No big deal. This is one of those things about porn, right? Because in porn, nobody ever does that or very rarely, right? And then the third thing is learn to feel what your partner's body is telling you. This is why I love starting off with hands, because if I'm using my hands on somebody, I can feel, oh, wait a minute. Your anus just tightened up a little bit. What's going on? What happened there? We get a lot of data back. So learn to pay attention to your partner and what their body is telling you. That's a really big one for anal play.
Charlie G [00:48:31]:
And I guess just the last one I want to throw in here is file your nails, smooth your nails down. You don't want rough edges. A little bit of nail is okay, although I think shorter is better. But if you run your fingernails across your lips, the lips on your face, for those of us who have lips elsewhere, if you notice any edges, like I'm noticing, I have a little callus on the corner of my finger here. File that down because if your lips can feel it, your partner's anus is going to feel it. So no rough edges. Really, truly brilliant.
Deborah [00:49:13]:
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Oh, my gosh. Such an incredibly fun conversation and clue. We have so much more to talk about. But I do want to know, what are you working on and where can people find you?
Charlie G [00:49:28]:
Well, as you mentioned in my bio earlier, when you read it about six months ago, I finished an accountability process. During that time, I really stepped back from everything except my direct client work. And so right now, we're september 2023. For those of you who are listening to this in the far future, at this point, I'm actually figuring out what my next path forward is going to be. I'm looking at teaching again. I'm getting back into writing, but I don't know what it's going to look like. But I do know it's going to be different than it looked like before. So maybe next time I come on, I will have a more specific answer for you.
Charlie G [00:50:19]:
But having said that, I can promise that I am going to definitely return to teaching workshops on anal and prostate play because it's my favorite it's my favorite thing to talk about. I love seeing people's eyes open up and realize how much fun there is in that part of the body.
Deborah [00:50:39]:
Beautiful.
Charlie G [00:50:40]:
That's definitely going to happen.
Deborah [00:50:42]:
Awesome. And you can be found at like how can people follow you or connect with you?
Charlie G [00:50:50]:
Yeah, my website is makesexeasy.com and you can sign up for my mailing list. I'm not super active on social media these days, but you're also welcome to find me on Facebook. I'm just there as Charlie Glickman. But my website is probably the best place and also my email newsletter. And if anybody out there is interested in sexuality coaching, whether it's the hands on sexological body work stuff or not, you're welcome to get in touch. I'm happy to chat with you about what's going on for you. And if I'm not the right fit, I will do what I can to suggest one of my colleagues because we all have different things to offer and my goal is helping people find the best resource, whether that's me or not. So please do not hesitate to reach out.
Charlie G [00:51:49]:
And that's charliglickman.com Charlieglicman.com will work and makessexeasy.com.
Deborah [00:51:58]:
Beautiful.
Charlie G [00:51:58]:
Thank you. Yeah, they both end up in the.
Deborah [00:52:00]:
Same place and of course, the links will be in the show. I just again, I'm talking to Charlie Glickman. He is the author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure erotic exploration for men and their partners. He is a sexological body worker. He is an awesome all around coach and deshamifier for sex. And I really want to thank you for what you brought in the beginning about opening up the idea of making planned sex more fun and more easy, because I think that's not something that we talk about very much. And that was really one of the highlights of the conversation for me, because, of course, it made me blush. And on that note, again, thank you so much for your time and your energy and I'm just so thrilled to have you as a guest here.
Deborah [00:53:10]:
Charlie, you have been listening to the Better Sex podcast and I would love to invite you back to more conversations, unfiltered conversations about how to have better sex and relationships. And please, if you know somebody who needs this information, please pass it on and, like, comment and subscribe where you get your podcast. Thank you so much. Bye.