What Working at a Japanese Hostess Bar Taught Me About Worth

“Sell when you can: you are not for all markets”

Shakespeare As You Like it:

There are so many ways to read that quote.  I see it as a reminder that I am a unique and sexy human and though not everyone values what I have to offer, for some people I am their first choice. Over the years I have had many opportunities to learn and relearn that worth in an inside job.

Speaking of jobs, my first real job (outside of babysitting) was working in a Japanese hostess bar.

It was one of those things where I had a friend who was working at a Japanese Hostess Bar and she invited me to come and work there.

For those of you who don’t know, in the 1980’s San Fransisco had lots of these Hostess Clubs where businessmen go to relax and make deals, and enjoy the hospitality of beautiful women. It’s as much a place of relaxation as it is of power - a lot of business deals happen there and the experience crafted by the hostesses go a long way to making those deals happen. This place was a study in power dynamics!  My favorite part of the job, though, was that I literally got paid to be myself. I sat at the table, poured drinks, emptied ashtrays, and convinced drunk Japanese businessmen to sing karaoke to “My Way.” I got to be present while these pretty powerful men were doing business and be part of the lubrication (if you will 😉) that made these deals happen. There were women available for more geisha/courtesan services, but that wasn’t our (the hostesses) schtick. That didn’t keep some of the men from trying to ask for more though. One night a guy who wanted me to go home with him just kept putting hundred dollar bills on the table - until he reached $1500. At the time, I refused, almost offended that he thought he could buy me -  but you can bet I woke up the next day going “What the fuck were you thinking? That’s three months rent!” 

The job taught me that my presence was worth paying for. Presentation, conversation, and confidence could make or break someone’s experience. Hell, it could make or break someone’s business prospects. It taught me the power of a curated experience - and how to create REALLY good experiences. 

The women who did offer more than your standard hostess services were educated, were smart, and most importantly were choosing to be there, doing what they were doing. I got to see sex work as an empowered choice. I do understand that that is not everyone’s experience, but that struggle can exist both inside and outside of sex work. Working in corporate america is not always empowered choice. 

I honed many skills there. I developed self-worth. I developed my internal compass. I learned what a “yes” and “no”  felt like for me - and the importance of only saying yes when I meant it.  One of the women who had been working at the Hostess Club a long time said to me early on in the job “Don’t ever do anything that doesn’t feel good.” I didn’t realize it then,, but she was teaching me to set boundaries and showing me that boundaries are the only way work like this can work.About 8 months into the job, my body gave me the message it was time to move on. I had gotten all I needed from this experience. That’s sort of the way things have continued to work for me too. My internal compass lets me know when it’s time to move on, and that compass only gotten stronger with time. Before that job, I didn’t realize how valuable it was to be authentically me. There were some customers who wanted anyone but me as their hostess, and others who regularly requested for me to be at their table. We have our people and the more we are ourselves, the more fun we have being with those people. 

In the entrepreneurial world, we’re often fed the message that you want to be paid what you’re worth, but I don’t always agree. I think the value lies in being able to make the empowered choice of who I want to work with and what we do together, instead of having to put profit-first all the time. After all, just because they lay money on the table doesn’t mean I have to “yes.” 😉