Checklist for Negotiating a BDSM Scene
Negotiating a scene (or a previously planned, consented to, communicated BDSM event for those not in the know… yet 😉) can be one of the more intimidating things to navigate when you’re first getting into BDSM. You’ve talked with your partner(s) and you both generally know what the other is comfortable with… but how will you know if you’ve gone too far? Or not far enough? What if you or your partner changes their mind mid scene? What if this turns into a negative experience - how will you and your partner recover?
When you enter this particular anxiety spiral, take a sec to stop and breathe. These fears are perfectly normal - but with the right planning and conversations beforehand they can be put to rest, freeing you and your partner up to have a rockin’ scene. Here’s what to consider:
Container
First, determine the container you’re playing in.
How long will you be playing?
Who will be playing what roles?
Where will you play?
Will you use toys? If so, what toys will you use?
Is there sex? Is there no sex? (Contrary to common belief, sex and BDSM don’t always have to be together.)
Will there be penetration?
When it’s all said and done, how do you both want to feel?
Are there health issues or medication I should know about?
Are bruises and marks okay?
Conversation
The language you use within the scene has the ability to make it or break it. Someone may LOVE being called a "naughty little slut… or it may trigger a shame spiral, pulling them out of the scene and into a bad headspace. However being “Daddy’s Good Girl” could be a turn on and encourage more “good behavior”
Humiliation may be your cup of tea… but if your partner has been traumatized by catholic school punishments it may not be the best fit for a scene with them.
Discover what language is preferred - and what’s out of bounds - with questions like:
What words or titles turn you on? What language turns you off?
Are there any hot buttons you don’t want to touch?
Are there places that are out of bounds?
Context
It’s equally important to examine the context behind the scene. How do you want to feel at the end of the scene? Is this punishment or a consequence? And if so, how does your partner feel about that?
For some, especially people who struggle with baggage around being punished as a kid, consequence play is NOT a turn-on. It often leaves them feeling hurt, vulnerable, and helpless.
For others, punishment and consequence can be sweet absolution. 🔥
My best advice is to negotiate things in instead of negotiating things out. A lot of times people will ask me what my limits are and for me, that’s a BIG turn-off… at least for the first “date.” It’s a lot better to start with specifics.. “If we’re going to play for 90 minutes, what five things would you like to experience?”
Communication
First and foremost, discuss your safewords. This will likely be different for everyone, but if you don’t know where to begin, try choosing words that make sense within the scene. Determine a word for when you need to slow down and a word for when you need to stop. My personal favorites are “mercy” to slow down, and “red to stop the scene, no questions asked.
It is SO important to let your partner know the impact they are having on you so they can choose the next, right thing.
Aftercare
Last, but not least is creating an aftercare plan. Have a conversation with your partner to determine what you need to cool down after a scene. If it’s your first time, think of what you need after an intense, challenging day.
Some people need to be wrapped in a blanket and held. Others need the security of a corner and the calming darkness or a blindfold. Some need space. Determine what you need and set it up beforehand. If in the unlikely case that something goes awry, commit with your partner that you’re both in it to work it out. That can look like finding a process of repair, mediation, or therapy.
DO NOT Change in the middle of the scene. I believe one of the most important things as a Dom/Top is once the scene has started do not add anything that has not been negotiated, no matter how much your sub/bottom begs for it. It may be counter intuitive and sometimes the act of begging and having your Dom hold the line can go a long way to establish trust. The more trust established the more play is in your future,
I hope this checklist of sorts helps you set up your next scene to be an exquisite one. And if you’re looking for a guide to help you explore this world on a more personal level, know I’m always a call away. 😉