How Would You Like to Be Loved?
photo credit: The Bay Bridge by Embarcadero | Rafaramirez7 | CC BY-SA 4.0
Hello, my dear friends,
It’s Deborah from Tantra Practice writing to say that I hope this note finds you and yours healthy and well during this unique time.
As I write this at 4:25 in the afternoon, it’s a full three hours before the sun will set over California on this September day. But out my window, it looks like nothing I’ve ever seen before. The orange sky, darkened from the wildfires blazing up and down the West Coast, is one more indication that we are living in unusual times.
And yet, the conversations I’m having with my clients are much the same as they have been for the many years I’ve been in practice as a sex and relationship coach.
Only more so.
The COVID-19 pandemic has heightened the challenges of relationships for couples. And it has underscored the longing for connection in singles.
I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about love. When I work with clients, here are some of the questions I like to start out by asking them.
What is the truth of your relationship?
How would you like to be loved?
We’ve all been told so many stories about who we should be in a relationship and what a relationship should look like. These stories might come from what we see in the culture around us. Perhaps we hear them from a teacher, a friend, or some other trusted person in our life—the common element being that they themselves aren’t in a relationship. Or perhaps they’re unhappy in their relationship. Yet their stories ring in our ears, tales about what a loving relationships should look like, how we should behave to get one, what rules we need to play by—and if it does not look a certain way. we are doing it wrong.
The signal truth of who we are and what we desire gets lost amid all the noise.
The truth is, your relationship can be a powerful tool for personal growth. Think about it. It’s one thing to be spiritual when you’re meditating in a cave. But in the face of conflict with your beloved, it’s a whole other ball of wax. If you doubt this, well, just try to maintain that spiritual demeanor when your beloved [leaves toast crumbs and jam all over the kitchen counter that you just scrubbed down. Again.]
Your relationship is about what feels good to you and your partner. You get to choose the stories and rules that resonate with your relationship. After 22 years in relationship still going strong and 15 years coaching others in relationships, I’ve learned that there is no one model for doing healthy relationship that works for everyone. You need to be the ultimate authority on what works for you.
That said, it does help to have tools for discerning the flow and dynamics of what is happening in the relationship. The most important questions to ask are these:
Can you be yourself?
Do you and your partner feel happy and loved?
Do you know about the safe. supportive Tantra Practice classes I’ve been holding online for anyone who wants to learn and grow through loving relationship? At one of our most recent sessions, we had a blast. We started to play around with the concepts behind The Five Love Languages, a system introduced by Gary Chapman in his book series by that name. There’s a free online quiz (link below) that I like to suggest for singles and couples at any stage in their relationship. In our session, we did an exercise I designed around the concept. In case you’d like to try it, I’m sharing it with you here—see below. This is a great tool to learn about yourself and your partner (or future partner) and to have more love flow between you.
(Please note that, although The Five Love Languages website is a project of a religious organization, I am not affiliated with that or any other religion. All my offerings are inclusive and open to all.)
Meantime, if you want more out of sex and relationship, I would love to have you join us online for our next Tantra Practice. You’ll find the dates and times below, including a new session that starts three hours earlier. I am excited to add this earlier start time to accommodate our East Coast folks! I look forward to seeing you there.
Take good care of yourself. You are important, and we need you!
In bliss,
—-Deborah
Love Languages Exercise
Take the test: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Make a list of five to ten activities or ways that you feel loved.
Share it with your partner and ask them to do the same.
Upcoming Events
Tuesday, Sept 15, 6:30 p.m. Pacific Time (9:30 p.m. Eastern)
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/118983650301
Thursday, Sept 17, 3:30 p.m. Pacific Time (6:30 p.m. Eastern)
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/119186685585
Tuesday, Sept 22, 6:30 p.m. Pacific Time (9:30 p.m. Eastern)