The Art of Realtionship Repair with Dr Hazel-Grace Yates
SHOWNOTES:
In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I sit down with accomplished Sex & Relationship
Educator, Dr. Hazel-Grace Yates. We took a deep dive into relationship repair - what it is, why to do it and her best tips on how to go about it. Throughout our discussion, Hazel-Grace shared their personal journey to discover and embrace their own sexuality as well as the importance of doing the work to heal in relationships. During this fun and deep conversation, they share how to do relationship repair well (for all types of relationships) and use it as a path to more juice in your sex life.
Learn more about upcoming events or how to work with Hazel-Grace
here: www.drhazelgrace.com
Upcoming Intimacy Through the Art of REPAIR Classes (Virtual and In-Person Denver events)
Intimacy Through the Art of Repair - Intro Part 1 - June 28th - Virtual
https://ITARintropart1.eventbrite.com
Intimacy Through the Art of Repair for Couples - In-Person in Denver - July 2nd
https://IntimacythroughrepairJuly2Denver.eventbrite.com
Intimacy Through the Art of Repair - Intro Part 2 - July 12th - Virtual
https://ITARintropart2.eventbrite.com
Got questions about sex and relationship?
DeborahTantraKat@gmail.com
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https://www.deborahkat.com/services-5
In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Deborah [00:01:41]:
All right. This goes away. And welcome to the Better Sex Podcast. My name is Deborah Kat, and I am your shameless host. The Better Sex Podcast is where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationship and the many different ways that we have sex and relationships. This show is for people who want to have better sex on their terms. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. So if you want to do your part to create a sexy world, please hit subscribe Comment. And thank you for doing your part. Today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, Hazel Grace Yates. Dr. Hazel Grace Yates is a radical permissionist and a pleasure warrior, here to help eradicate global toxic sexual shame through their compassion, playful, and dynamic facilitation. They are endlessly passionate about humans, celebrating their bodies, their souls, and their sex. Their innovative educational style of sex and intimacy. Coaching is born out of their deep commitment to create a more compassionate, loving, and safe world. The four cornerstones of their work traumainformed practice, authentic relating, somatic, sexual education and activism, and inclusivity. I was introduced to Hazel Grace in their work about six years ago when they were running a program about healing the divide. I was so impressed and just delighted by her work, by their work, that I was actually kind of stalking them online. And then a dear friend of mine was like, oh, I know them, and made the introduction. So I am truly delighted to have them join me today as we dive into talking about repair. And so I'm going to turn it over to you, Hazel Grace. How did you get here?
Hazel-Grace [00:04:08]:
Yeah, how did I get here? Well, Vicky and Bobby had sex at one point, and I was born and I was born in Texas. And as I was being raised in the very conservative part of Texas that I was, sexuality was not talked about or it was shameful, bad, wrong, dirty. And so I had basically well, that was my education. I was going to say I had no education, but that was my education, that it was bad, shameful and wrong. And then when I was a teenager, my first encounter with sexuality was not by choice and it was not pleasant. And so I pretty much just shut down this thing called sexuality because I didn't understand what the value was, I didn't understand what the point was. It just felt like it was just ridden with just pain. I was 29 years old and I went to Burning Man where all good stories start as one does. And I discovered my clitoris for the first time in an orgasmic meditation workshop. And when I say discovered it, I mean, I thought my urethra was my clitoris. And so I would tell people, yeah. And so I was like, don't touch me there. That's my urethra. I thought my clitoris was my urethra. I didn't understand how bodies worked and it was really touched for the first time. And there was some pent up trauma in my body and I actually moved through a lot of that. And then I found my pleasure, which changed my life. So I say that there was a BC and an AC part of my life, a before my clit and an after clit. And then that was transformational in itself. And then the next day I went to a workshop that if you had asked me four days before if I would have gone to, I would have been like, hell no, there's no way I would go to that. It was a communal erotic ceremony. And towards the end of the four hour journey that we co created, there was about 15 of us. I had this moment where I had four people around me that were sexing with me. And I had this moment of fear, of like, oh, this is bad, this is wrong. And I kind of checked the room and it was almost as if all 15 of us were having a nonverbal conversation because I was basically saying with my face, is this okay, that I'm doing this? And they all looked at my energetically were just like affirming me that I'm safe and that this is beautiful. And then I just had this moment of just like it felt like a rocket ship of healing and transformation. It almost felt like all of the shame and trauma in my body left me immediately. And I was like I was a completely different person after that moment. I couldn't go back to the way that I was. And it was such a rapid transformation. Before that moment, I was a teacher for the blind, teaching adults who were blind how to use a cane. That was my job. And then six months later, I started doing hands on sexual healing work because it was just like it unlocks something in me that I feel like it's like in my bones, in my lineage. It's like, it's like I know how to do this without knowing how I know how to do this. And so the last 13 years I have committed myself over to this field and including getting my PhD and lots of training. So yeah, that's how I got here.
Deborah [00:08:02]:
Wow, I have goosebumps listening to you. And I just want to highlight a couple of things there because your story is so, such a great example of not only when we actually know how to interact with our own bodies, what's possible and also what's possible in community, what's possible when we are witnessed.
Hazel-Grace [00:08:31]:
Yeah, that is why I facilitate group retreats and group conscious play parties and group experiences because I know the potency of my transformation happened there. And so I've created that in my professional life where people get to have those experiences and I also want to piggyback on that part of my life. So that was 13 years ago and I'd say probably about six or seven years ago is really when I started doing more healing work around my relational aspect of my life, like my attachment systems and my relationships. And I'm now in a four year long, magical, beautiful, healthy, secure, expansive relationship with my beloved and I've gotten to really deepen and learn about how to repair in relationships. It was interesting. It was like I had my sexual transformation and healing and now I'm having my relational transformation and healing. And so now that's why I'm passionate about teaching about repair, because I get to live it and I get to reap the benefits of having really consistent clearings. And there's nothing in the way between our partner and I. And when there is, we clear it. And that's what actually makes our sex life continue to be so hot and juicy because there's just so much like there's just so much connection.
Deborah [00:10:01]:
So good. So, so good. And I love the fact that it was like for you and your journey, it was sexuality and then relational because we have this I believe there's a story that's like, get your relationship together and then you can have good sex. And that's not true for everyone. And the work around repair is just so important. And so as we start diving into that, first of all, when you say repair, what do you mean by that?
Hazel-Grace [00:10:34]:
Yeah, great question. So the word that I like to use when you would need a repair process, I would say there's some version of a rupture. And when I say rupture, I like to think of big R or little R, like big T trauma or little T trauma. Similar. Like a big rupture could be like a break in agreement or a foundational break in trust. Or it could just be like micro rubs where it's like you're not doing the dishes over and over and over and over. So when I say rupture, basically it's a break in connection or trust. And you would need a repair process to restore connection or trust. Beautiful.
Deborah [00:11:22]:
And I love this kind of repair experience. Like, yes, it's so, so important in personal relationships, but it also comes out in work and family dynamics and communal experiences. And it's something that we really I think we're really just starting to look at the tip of the iceberg, if you will, around the process and how important it is. Can you tell us a little bit about the process of repair that you do and how you came to find it or create it?
Hazel-Grace [00:12:02]:
Yeah, and I want to comment on what you just said, which was, this is why I'm so passionate about working with people around sexuality and in relationships and repair, because almost all the things that people learn and experience and heal in that realm is applicable to their work life, to their friend life, to their family life. Like, being able to ask for what you want, having boundaries, being able to move through conflict in a good way. All those things are really useful in sexuality, and they're really useful in pretty much every area of your life. So to me, it feels like it's very efficient to work on this because it's like a domino effect. Yeah. So where did the repair process come from? So I it's it's an amalgamation of lots of different things. So I have, like I said, training in circling and authentic relating. I have training in transformative justice, I have training in group facilitation, mediation. And so all these things over the years, I've learned. And then this year in February, I was sitting in a tree. I'm a tree climber. I like climbing trees. I was having a vision quest, and this acronym just came through. It was like, literally, the tree gave me this gift. And also I'm having a lot of fun. I'm making a list of all the names of people that have contributed to me over the years. So right now, my list is about up to 25 people of people who've contributed to the wisdom that is encapsulated in this process. So I really want to honor the people that came before me, that supported this thing that has come through me. Okay, so that's the history of it. I just want to pause. Do you want me to go into it, or do you have another question on that?
Deborah [00:14:07]:
No, I'd love to. Let's get into it.
Hazel-Grace [00:14:11]:
Great. Okay. Awesome. Right, okay, so a couple of things to know is, one, not every single relationship is always available to do a repair. And so what I mean by that is it's possible that something happened and people don't have the capacity or the readiness or the willingness to do a repair, or at least not yet. So that's one thing to know. I also want to say that the repair process, just like grief, is not linear. Sometimes it's a looping process, sometimes you have to do it multiple times, and sometimes it takes its own pace. So it's not like, let's just get it done. One and done, and it's going to be complete, right? So just knowing that it's not linear and depending, again, if it's a big R or a little R, you may not need every single step. And so while this is a tool, while this is a structure, while this is a frame, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to do it every single step in every single direction, all the time. So those are a couple of things to know. Okay, I'm really excited. This is really fun for me. Thank you for inviting me here. Deborah. So, repair, the first three letters in repair rep is actually the preparation for the conversation. So it's the prep work. It's the pre prep work before you have the actual conversation. So we start with resourcing. So the letter R, resourcing. And resourcing is talking about the nervous system. So when our nervous systems are in a more calm, grounded, regulated chill state, we have the capacity to both communicate what it is that we want to say and we have the ability to hear what the other person is saying when our nervous system is not regulated. So Dysregulated, activated, charged, triggered, disassociative, all those terms, either we might not communicate what it is that we want to say accurately or that we might be mishearing the person because our brain is actually more in survival mode and we have filters and we're not able to hear everything. So resourcing to prepare yourself for the conversation as much as you can, and resourcing is an ongoing thing, but I like that it's at the beginning because it's so important. So resourcing can look like, maybe I need to vent to someone before I have the conversation. Maybe I need to journal. Maybe I need to pound some pillows. Maybe I need to go for a dance. Maybe I need to have an orgasm. How about that for a resource?
Deborah [00:17:15]:
I love it, right?
Hazel-Grace [00:17:17]:
Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I need a mediator. What do I need in order to feel prepared to have the conversation? So that's the R and then e, empathy. So this one is an exploration, it's an inquiry. How can I have compassion both for myself, for what I experienced, what I went through? But also, this is like gold star bonus points if you have the capacity to be curious about what happened for the other person or like, what was going on, what must have been going on, such that they did or didn't do what they did or didn't do and what was going on for them. So that is empathy. And then p is permission. So the permission is setting the stage, getting permission, but creating the context. So what I mean by that is saying, hey, Deborah, I want to have a conversation about how our dinner went last night. Are you available for that conversation right now? If not now, when might be a good time, or what might you need in order to feel prepared to have that conversation? So the context thing is, like, I want to have this conversation about this thing. Are you available? And then I'll throw in a little. I feel like I'm fire hosting, and that's okay. But something else that I think is a really great tool here is to use what I call a charge scale. I got that from my friend, colleague AJ Pape, and a charge scale says, how activated am I? How intense is this thing for me? And so if you can imagine a one to ten scale, ten is, like, the most angry you've ever been, and one is, like, almost, like, not worth talking about. It's, like, really minor. So what I like to do is I like to say, hey, Deborah, it's a level four on the charge scale. Are you available for that right now? Which helps your nervous system say, how resourced am I to have a charge for conversation? Gives you something to anticipate the intensity that I'm going to feel in my nervous system to bring this forward. And then I'll throw this in there, too, because I think it's another great tool, is framing the desired outcome. Meaning, like, I want to have this conversation with you, Deborah, about what happened last night. By the way, we didn't have dinner last night. I'm just giving it, and nothing happened. But I could say, I want to have a conversation about what happened last night at dinner in service of me feeling more connected or me feeling or us feeling just, like, more relaxed with one another. So if I'm talking about what I want to have happen at the end that can actually soften or open or invite people to their willingness to be like, yeah, I'm willing to have that conversation, versus saying, I want to talk about the fact that you lied to me. Right. That's a very different energy than, like, I want to feel more connected. I want to restore trust with you. Right. So the desired outcome can be really great thing to throw in when you are creating the permission.
Deborah [00:20:46]:
Absolutely. And it's funny because hearing you say that, there's that cliche conversation starter of we need to talk, which is not a very opening experience, but if that I can imagine hearing a lot easier. I want to feel more connected to you. I'd like to have a conversation about what happened last night.
Hazel-Grace [00:21:10]:
Are you available?
Deborah [00:21:13]:
Feels very different than we need to talk.
Hazel-Grace [00:21:16]:
Yes. I love that. Great addition.
Deborah [00:21:21]:
So that pause you for just a second. So we're with r, which is resourcing. Or like, I think of that as kind of letting go of the charge, moving whatever the charge is. And then E was the empathy piece. Empathy for myself, whatever brought up for me, whatever hurts, whatever scares all of those pieces. Just taking a moment and being soft with those parts and then trying to imagine how my partner or the other participant was, how they got there, and the phase of moving into I love the idea of the charge meter. Checking in with myself, actually, can I actually have this conversation? Checking in with my partner, can they actually have this conversation? And then laying out the outcome of I want to have the only reason because I know that we need to talk automatically brings up shame, blame and everything else. And so reassuring the person that you're talking to about like, the reason I want to have this, the outcome I'm looking for is not for us to go away feeling shame, blame and all that, but actually to have more connection, which, if we're lucky, could lead to more sex.
Hazel-Grace [00:22:51]:
Yeah, right. Which is not the point of the whole repair process, but it is an extra cool bonus. Yeah, you got it all. So that's the prep. So rep the word repair. So then when you actually get to the conversation, the clearing the air conversation, so air, which is the second part of repair. So clearing the air. So the first place that you want to start when you're clearing the air is acknowledging and the Acknowledgment is getting what I call shared reality or getting on the same page or getting onto the say, like, we agree that this thing did or didn't happen. I did or didn't say this thing, this being very objective, factual, getting on the same page. And what I would say is sometimes you might not be able to get on the page about 100% of the things, and it's most important that you're getting on the same page about what's relevant to the actual tension or conflict that happened. And this is a place to say if you cannot get on the same page or have shared reality, that this could be a crux point or this could be like the trickiest part. It's really difficult to clear the air when you can't get on the same page. So if that were to happen, it does get trickier, it is a little bit more complicated. And then what you could do is basically do the air process based on each person's reality. Like, okay, you experienced this was your reality and this was my reality, and let's process. If that was your reality, what was that like for you? Since that is your reality, what was that like for you? But let's just say when it goes well, you can get to the same page, get on the same shared reality of like, I agree that you said you were going to be home yesterday at 01:00, and I got here at 130 or you got here at 130, whatever it is. So, yes, I agree, that was the facts. So there's the Acknowledgment and then there's the I, which is impact. And you're getting impact of what was that like for you? That I said I would be there at one and I got there at 130. What was the impact emotionally? What was the impact on your day? What was the impact on our relationship? What was the impact? Ideally, it would be great for both people to get to share what their impact was. So if I was the one right, let's say I was the one who was 30 minutes late, I can share my impact. Like, if the other person is available, if they feel heard, I do want to say that it's really useful for the person who felt hurt. Generally speaking, it's useful for them to feel fully heard first. And really, what's most true is, like, the person who gets heard is the one who has the most resources at the time, or like, the most resourced at the time. Because if people are not resourced enough to hear one another, then you can't move on with the conversation. But ideally, the person who gets heard first is the person that felt hurt. But it's also useful at some point in the process. If I was the one who did the violation, I could say, are you open to hearing the impact on me? The impact on me being 30 minutes late is I feel really disappointed in myself. I feel sad that it had a negative impact on our relationship and it has me want to shore up and do better. Right? Because both of us are being impacted. That's important to remember. So getting impact, and then the third one is restoring integrity. And I cheated a little bit, because in restoring integrity, there's actually three different ways that you can restore integrity, which all are ours, which is also convenient. So restoring integrity, like I said at the beginning, depending on the severity of the rupture, will depend on if you need all three R's or how much you need on all three R's. But one R is remorse. So some version of like, I have regret or I feel bad, or I'm sorry, or some version of like, I wish that thing didn't happen, some version of an apology. There's a great book, there's Five Languages of Apologies, which is like five languages of love, but it's five languages of apologies. And it's really useful to know, how does your partner like to receive some version of an apology? So there's remorse and then there's reparations. And what that means is, what action can I take that would have you feel and see that I want to restore integrity? I really love it when the person who does the violation, if they can come to the table and they can say, hey, in service of restoring integrity, do you have anything that you can think that I could do to basically make this right, any sort of action that I can do? Or would you like to hear some ideas that I have and see if any of them feel good for you or if any of them would work for you? Because if you're not doing that I used to get so frustrated when someone would say, what can I do to make this up for you? Or what can I do to make this right? And I'm like, now I have to do more labor. Now I have to do labor to tell you what to do to make it up to me. For example, I had a partner many years ago. We lived long distance, and we made an agreement that he would not smoke cigarettes 24 hours before I came to visit him. And he was on the phone. It was like a couple of hours before I saw him. He's like, I'm just having a smoke break. And I'm like, what? He came to the table with and says, as a reparation, I would like to, for one month, not smoke cigarettes. And every single time I want a cigarette, I'll think about my break of trust with you and my broken agreement and how much I love and appreciate you. How would that feel for you? I'm like, that would be awesome. And maybe you quit smoking also while you're doing it, so that's reparation. And then, oh, my gosh, this is so funny. I'm like blanking reparation. Oh, right. Rewrite. Okay, rewrite. Rewrite. Or like a redo. This is like, at the very end, like the cherry on the top. So this is like, if we could go back in time and redo this now that we've known what we know now, what would both of us have done differently? And you could do that kind of, like, at any point in the incident or any point in the scenes that you did. And what that's doing from a neuroplastic perspective is our brain when we visualize and walk ourselves through experiences, our brain experiences as if it's happening, as if it's happened, right? So if we can imagine our brain going back in time being like, well, I would have done this, and I would have done this, and that would have kept the connection throughout the experience. So that way when if something like that happens again in the future, you'll have a memory of how to do it in a good way. So rewrite is like, redoing the scene in your mind. But also you might want to rewrite agreements, or you might want to rewrite promises. Like, okay, well, we have an agreement that when I say I'm going to be on time, I'm going to be on time. I want to update our agreement. If I'm going to be late, I can text you up to 30 minutes or something like that. Right. So it's like, renegotiating, what are your agreements? And I'm doing something very simple, mundane, like time.
Deborah [00:31:46]:
No, but that is a really clear thing. And as we're saying this, my bestie is just notoriously not on time. And so we've had to have they weren't quite as elegant as this conversation. Have had conversations about, like, when you're late, when you're late, what happens for me is that I go into my abandonment stuff. I go into my why am I even trusting you again? I'm doing this again, and all of that stuff. And she's like, I get that. And when I do that, it's like I feel like I've made a promise that I can't keep. And then I get scared that you're going to stop being my bestie and all of these things. And what we've kind of come up with is this idea of knowing that she's got an incredible life with lots of people who depend on her. And sometimes the little people need attention in a way that is they need it now. And so our newest way that we're working around that is, this is the time we intend to meet. Please confirm that we're still on and if anything happens in between, just let me know. And it has really gone a long way to improving the connection.
Hazel-Grace [00:33:23]:
Yes.
Deborah [00:33:27]:
It's really funny because it's like, in some ways, that's something that we may or may not have let slide, but it was clear that it was impacting the way that we connected totally.
Hazel-Grace [00:33:43]:
Yeah. And you actually did the air process. You're like when you are late, which is that you can get on the same page with the impact on me is I feel my abandonment stuff comes up, my blah, blah, blah comes up. And then you negotiated, you rewrote your norms or your agreements in your relationship. Yeah.
Deborah [00:34:06]:
And it's like we based it on a reality. This is what we intend. And then there are these pieces that we know are part of our relationship. I just want to go back. So we have cleared the charge or found our resources. We have checked in with what is it for me and what might it be for my partner? Then we've invited into the conversation and given a reason why we want that conversation and permission and check into the scale of where am I? On a scale of one to ten. And then we've started into the air process, the clearing piece around the impact on each of us and how we would like it to have been different. And then how we feel about the remorse part of how it makes us feel to essentially disappoint each other or whatever comes up in that place. And then there's the rewrite, which is how can we do this in a way or knowing what we know now, how would we do this differently in the future?
Hazel-Grace [00:35:34]:
Well, ultimately, it is. How would we do it in the future? And what I'm suggesting is you to actually go through and say, right, so if I could redo this, I would first when I come home, ask you how you're feeling and check first before I assume and go in and try and fix you or whatever it is. So do you actually go backwards in time to walk yourself through so that when something like that happens in the future, your brain has already walked yourself through how you would have done it differently in the past?
Deborah [00:36:19]:
I love that. I'm so excited about this process. And in a moment I'm going to ask you if there's something that you can give people a tip or a resource that they can put into action right away. But before that, I'd like to take a quick break and share a bit about how the Better Sex podcast is supported so you might be able to figure out from this conversation and from all of the other conversations that I care deeply about relationships, including the sexual and the sensual parts. And as you know, our culture sells us everything from beer to banking with sex, and yet we only ever see one version that may or may not look anything like the sex we have or do. So besides hosting this podcast, I'm a sex and relationship coach, helping people to navigate these edgy subjects. One way I do this is by hosting the Better Sex membership. This is an online group, a combination of master classes to improve communication, morning mindfulness practices, and Q and A calls so that you can get your sexy and perhaps embarrassing questions answered. And there's a group forum so that you know that you're not alone. All of this so that you can create a relationship infused with pleasure, depth and play. The podcast is a great first step to exploring what's possible and the membership supports you in turning great ideas into embodied knowledge. The membership is created to get you off the couch and into pleasure. So if you're listening to this podcast and wondering what your next step is, please check out the Better Sex membership link. It'll be in the show notes. So, getting back to my incredible guest and Hazel Grace and the repair process, I'm curious, where is the first step? For somebody who may or may not have a whole lot of experience with repair, where is a good place to start?
Hazel-Grace [00:38:38]:
Yeah, so that was the repair process. And what I want to say is, in order to be able to do that process, there are a lot of skills required in that. A lot of skills like the resourcing that I was talking about. I'm so happy that there's so many books now about trauma and our bodies and embodiment and how to really listen to the wisdom of our body. There's so many books and my brain just went blank. But the body keeps the score, for example. That's a great book to learn about somatic practices and your body, because the more resourced you can be in hard conversations, the quicker, the more useful that you can repair the conversations. So resourcing is really important and powerful. And I would say if I was on Oprah and I could say one communication tool that could help almost every single relationship and almost every single conversation. And it's so simple, it seems ridiculous that it would be useful. It's the simplest thing, and it's the one that I want everyone to know, which is feeding back what you heard someone say. So when someone's saying something, I would say, so what I'm hearing you say is, did I get that right? And the reason why that is so important, especially the more charged what I say is the more activation, the slower the conversation. And the slower the conversation is, there's more repeating back, feeding back, reflecting back what you heard the other person say. Because as I said and the reason is, like we talked about earlier, when the nervous system is activated, we can't hear accurately. So that's why we go slower and that's why we say, is this what you said? Is this what you said? Is this what you're saying? So I would say, feedback what you heard the person say, and that's bi directional. So I could say, Deborah, what I think I'm hearing you say is DA DA DA DA. Did I get that right? Or I could say something and I could say, would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say? And that's what I mean by bi directional, right? I can initiate saying it, but I can also request it. Some people have a little resistance to that because they think it's like condescending of like, tell me what you heard me say. But it's because it's so important that I make sure that we're on the same page that you're hearing what I'm saying. And it's also so important that I'm actually communicating what I want to communicate. So if I said something and you said it back verbatim, I'm like, Wait a minute, that's actually not what I mean. That's not what I want. And then I can adjust it and change it.
Deborah [00:41:56]:
Sorry, I love that you mentioned that feeding it back verbatim is not actually hearing or getting what the person is saying. Like, I can just say, I can.
Hazel-Grace [00:42:10]:
Parrot back to you what I heard.
Deborah [00:42:13]:
You say, but I may not have gotten what you mean.
Hazel-Grace [00:42:18]:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And there's different ways that you can reflect or feedback. You can do it verbatim or you can do summarizing. Because if someone talks for like, three minutes, I'm not going to say exactly what they said, three minutes. I'm going to summarize what I think I'm hearing them say and then say, is that what you are saying? To get on the same page. If there's any tool that I want people to practice all around the world all the time. It's reflecting back, feeding back what you're hearing them say and checking, checking to make sure you're on the same page.
Deborah [00:42:52]:
Beautiful. So quick follow up question on that. What would you say to somebody who's like, well, but it doesn't seem natural.
Hazel-Grace [00:43:02]:
It doesn't seem natural until it is. It's awkward. It's like learning to tango or learning to two step. It might be awkward at the beginning. I'm like, it doesn't feel natural. Yeah. Until it's like in your breathing, in your bones, in your cells. And now this is just like how I talk and it feels supernatural. I will say that it is useful. Let's say someone is learning communication skills or they're practicing skills. This is also a really useful point. When you're learning communication skills, especially repairing and conflict, it's super useful to practice learning these skills in neutral, mundane, kind of like easy peasy kind of challenges. Don't try and learn a new skill on the most intense conflict you've ever had. Right. So it's just a matter of practice. So what I was saying is telling your partner, like, hey, by the way, I'm learning some communication skills. It might be awkward, I might mess it up, but are you cool if we can practice these communication skills or just knowing that I'm just learning and I'm a beginner at it?
Deborah [00:44:23]:
Beautiful. And speaking of learning, what are you leading, what are you facilitating? What are you excited about these days?
Hazel-Grace [00:44:33]:
Yeah. Oh my gosh, I'm excited about so many things. I have so many things I'm doing. Okay. In the realm of repair, I have a program called Intimacy Through the Art of Repair. And I have a couple of virtual classes, some kind of like appetizer, short bites. And then I have like a six class series and I can send all that info later to you. And then we have an in person July 2 in Denver for couples to do the repair process. So that's that piece. The other thing that I'm really excited about, this is happening in November, so you've got some time to plan, which is the Authentic Intimacy retreat. So it's three nights in Colorado and it's communal erotic healing, pleasure play practice weekend.
Deborah [00:45:28]:
Oh, that sounds like so much fun.
Hazel-Grace [00:45:31]:
It is. And the acronym for that is Air, which I think is also cute and funny that I have a lot of air, which is really interesting because I'm such an earth being and I'm creating programs with the word air in it.
Deborah [00:45:46]:
I love that. So where's the best place for people to find you in terms of are you an Instagram? Are you a Facebook? Or check out your website.
Hazel-Grace [00:45:57]:
Yeah, my website, Drhazelgrace.com is going to be the best place for you to find out about the events. You can sign up for my newsletter, which my newsletter basically just shares when I have events happening online and in person. You are welcome to find me on Facebook. You're welcome to find me on Instagram, and I'm not super prolific there, but you're welcome to find me there.
Deborah [00:46:21]:
So good. Again, I am talking to Dr. Hazel Grace Yates, and I am such a juicy, fun, conversation sex and relationship coach mentor. And you can find her on her website, which is Dr. Hazel Grace, dr. Hazelgrace Yates, or Dr. Hazelgrace.com okay? And again, check the show notes for all of the links. And again, thank you so much for such a fabulous conversation.
Hazel-Grace [00:46:57]:
Yes, it was so fun.
Deborah [00:47:02]:
All right. And thank you all for listening to another episode of the Better Sex podcast. Please help us spread the word by liking, commenting, and sharing. If you know somebody who needs repair, please send them this episode. Let's all get better at this repair business and make a safer sexier world for all.