Is Sex More than Just Physical? with Ana del Castillo
Our whole lives are sex. Yes, you read that right. And I don’t mean it literally. Sometimes sex is boring; other times, it is exciting–which is pretty much like it.
Here’s a truth about sex– it’s not just about you getting an orgasm; forget about penetration; it’s just part of it. The truth is, sex feels good and even feels best when it touches parts of us that haven’t felt good in a while; it could be our fears, our traumas, our insecurities, or whatever that isn’t feeling good inside of us, or it could be just pure connection. What feels good happens everywhere, not just in the bedroom.
In today’s episode of The Better Sex Podcast, Ana Del Castillo is a Rightness Expert & Certified Coach with over 20 years of experience working with men and women who have great lives but still always feel like there’s something wrong. By addressing the underlying source of their suffering, Ana creates transformative experiences for her clients so they can own their inherent rightness and feel vital and alive in their skin and lives again.
An energetic, warm and empathetic leader, Ana has spoken to audiences all over the country and has coached women rock stars, entrepreneurs, and homemakers on the power and freedom of authentic rightness, whose name appeared on NPR, the NY Post, People Magazine, and The Moth. Ana coaches, speaks, and leads courses on Rightness, married to the love of her life, Ken Blackman.
Tune in to this episode as Ana unravels the truth about sex and how we can feel good even if it is not purely physical.
Highlights:
(05:06) How Ana became a rightness expert, women's rightness expert, and certified coach
(10:01) How does ‘Rightness’ live for Ana and her clients
(12:47) How to not let others tell you your worth
(14:25) Five Levels of Commitment
(17:21) Understanding and looking into the sensations in your body.
(31:09) Approaching our sex life in a much more holistic way.
(33:58) Realizing that sex is more than just a physical act.
(36:13) Why every moment is foreplay.
(38:19) What to do once the honeymoon and the chemistry fades.
(39:58) Ana’s experience of working with her husband with other couples
(45:45) Ana’s upcoming event in New York
(49:03) Ana’s message for YOU!
Links:
Website: My Rightness
Instagram: Ana Del Castillo (@ana_del_castillo) • Instagram photos and videos
LinkedIn: Ana Del Castillo - CEO and Owner - My Rightness | LinkedIn
TikTok: Ana_Del_Castillo (@ana_del_castillo_) TikTok | Watch Ana_Del_Castillo's Newest TikTok Videos
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/rightness?fan_landing=true&view_as=public
Deborah’s Links:
Send your sex and relationship questions to DeborahTantraKat@Gmail.com
For a free Truth and Clarity Session Appointments 3 — Deborah Kat Coaching
Website: https://www.deborahkat.com/
Email: deborahtantrakat@gmail.com
Facebook: Events Near Me | Facebook
Twitter: Deborah Kat (@TantraKat) / Twitter
In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Unknown Speaker 0:00
Um, yeah. So I'm gonna start by just go ahead and introduce the better sex podcast. Welcome, everyone. This is Deborah Kat, and you are listening to the better sex podcast. This is the home of unfiltered conversations about sex, and relationships, and how to make them better. In these conversations, I sit down with all sorts of interesting humans, and discuss ideas and strategies that you can try at home so that you can have better sex. Just a note, these are adult conversations. So we may be talking about things that are not quite appropriate for little years. So I personally believe that better sex makes a better world. So if you want to have better sex and help to create a better world, please hit the like button, subscribe, leave a comment. And if you have questions about sex relationships for me or my guest, please email Deborah kat@gmail.com. All of this is in the show notes. So sit back and listen. I am so freaking excited to welcome my guest today. Ana is a rightness expert, a certified coach with 20 years of experience working with men and women who have great lives but still feel there's something wrong by addressing the underlying source of their suffering. Ana creates transformational experiences for her clients, so they can own their inherent rightness and feel vital and alive in their skin and their lives. And energetic, warm and empathic leader. She's spoken to audiences all over the country, and has coached women, rock stars, entrepreneurs, housewives, all on the power and freedom of authentic greatness. She's been featured on NPR, the New York Post, People Magazine, and the boss Radio Hour, she coaches speaks and leads courses on rightness. And she is married to the love of her life, Ken Blackman. Together, they live in LA with two stray cats and a shelter dog who has trained her and her husband exceptionally well. So I just want to I am so freaking excited. You're here. I just want to say that I first met her on Facebook and was just blown away by the content that she was putting out. And then there's this moment where I was like, oh my god, I have to reach out. And they did. And the response has just been sweet and supportive and amazing. And I just really appreciate the warmth and the support that you put out for women and other coaches and just the sisterhood. So important. So um, yeah, please. I read the official bio. How did you get here? Tell me for
Unknown Speaker 3:43
sure. But first I want to say what I have been sitting on my hands literally twirling my finger my hair because I'm like, I just love how you like orange speak and introduce. It's so yummy and bubbly. So it was like really challenging for me not to giggle out loud fire thing. So thank you for creating such a bubble bath of an experience inside of that. Okay, the question of how I got here how I became like a rightness expert and women's rightness expert and certified coach is that is that the question?
Unknown Speaker 4:18
That's the question and also curious, like, I am so curious, because you know, so since we've talked, I've, I've done a little bit of, you know, research slash stalking. Like, wow, you have had a life.
Unknown Speaker 4:36
Yeah. And,
Unknown Speaker 4:37
and it's just, you know, I am always fat. I mean, I'm fascinated by people in general, but how we move through the world and how we move through our lives. And the way in which we find joy and resilience is really fascinating to me. And so Will, you know you've got quite a story and just whatever part of that you're willing to share, I would love to share
Unknown Speaker 5:06
I will, I will share all of it in a very short and shortened version of it, but the show notes rather than the life. I, as some, or a lot, not everybody might also have experienced in their own life, I came from a household of real, severe dysfunction. Mine happened to be pretty violent, physically violent, sexually violent. Starting at the age of five, with my dad, beat me I had all kinds of sexually traumatic experiences. After that with other people, I just was like, I became basically someone who was just like a magnet for that kind of slime, slime trail. And at a certain age had shut down essentially, when I was young. And then at a certain age, I discovered that I had some power, and it was like puberty, and then all of a sudden, I was like, Oh, I'm going to use the thing against people. And so I went from being very, very shut down to just sort of a viper. Like, I was like, Oh, I've been on the receiving end of all this now I will, I will literally use what I have against people. And that was, I did that for a long time. But things in my life didn't quite get better. And then I was, you know, drugs, alcohol, suicide, so tried to kill myself. Luckily, that got me into therapy. I mean, I don't know if it was gonna make much of a difference, but at least it got me some help. But inside of that, I found sort of one of the loves of my life, which is, theater is the only thing that sort of got me out of myself. And so I and I was good at it, it was the one thing that I could actually be good at. And then I fixate even when I was a kid, I just loved singing before I knew what it even any of it was singing was was prayer to me. And so I was committed to that move to New York when I was 21 went to a conservatory I knew I wanted to be in lame is landed that show even though people were like you're never gonna be it, I was like my phone Gula to you watch me. It was like, and then I ended up being in that show and was had sort of turned my life around as to the degree that someone who doesn't who has Kevlar for skin, emotional skin can but I was dynamic and had created you know, some success. Had a one woman show was doing that yada and touring the country and then and then, while I was trying to work stuff out with my father, about what had happened when I was younger, my father and my brother were both murdered in a gangland-style, killing, like, tortured, that kind of thing. And that destroyed the structure that I had built my life on. I didn't realize that I still loved my father and when he died, that came crashing that was like a truth that pierced through everything. And then I was like a newborn baby, I didn't know how to feel I didn't I I was feeling all these feelings, you know, like when Peter Parker who like gets radioactive and then he's like, I don't know how to be sort of like that I had all of these like new things and I was like, I don't even know how to be a human. And so I had to literally from the ground up from that space and I've done that a number of times in my life from the ground up learn how to how to human and how to bring into a cohesive space all the shattered parts of myself. So when you asked me how I became a rightness expert, through but like through a wreckage of wrongness, I had to an all the you know relationships and stuff in between like lots of gaslighting and crazy making and all of the personality disorders myself and others etc like just like literally had to find my center of gravity inside of the world we'll that was my life
Unknown Speaker 9:37
so when I was
Unknown Speaker 9:38
a thing in the background, I was like doing great work cooks
Unknown Speaker 9:43
Oh my goodness. I'm so I have an idea of what you mean by rightness. But I'd love to hear like, you know, how do you how does that live for you? How does greatness live for you? Yeah, for your clients,
Unknown Speaker 10:01
yeah. So that I will say the short version of what I say. And then I'll go into it a little bit more. The short version is a quiet brain and a light heart. And what I mean by that is most of us walk around, and we wake up in the morning, and we are off to the races in our brain, and what our mind is thinking, Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that. That was stupid God, I hate that person. I don't know. And they're constantly in, we're wrong, or life is wrong, other people are wrong. And inside of the, you know, the wheel of that we're being driven by how wrong something is in our life. And that is sourced from a very young age. And we are constantly looking are We are constantly looking outside of ourselves for our own sense of worth, or our own sense of value? Do we matter? Don't we matter to someone like we're just never in our own body, and spine, feeling an inner sense of peace and like all is good, in ourselves and in the world? Regardless of what's going on outside. Some people have great lives, and they never get there. Some people have terrible lives, and they think it's because of their terrible lives. And a lot of times, yes, we have to dismantle all that stuff. But even if you create a great life, that thing never goes away. So it's a constant state of something's wrong. And what I mean by rightness is you are solid in your skin, solid, like you know who you are indifferent, like differentiation from other people, someone could make you wrong. And you're like, Yeah, I know who I am. And that doesn't actually touch you, if you can stand upright without getting filled over, if that makes sense.
Unknown Speaker 12:02
Absolutely. You know, when you say that about like, people can say things and you try to I mean, for me what I what I imagine is It's like somebody says something, and it's like, yeah, no, that's actually not true. And we Yeah, actually, that's not true. Is my rightness saying that doesn't resonate, that doesn't match. That's, that's not correct. Correct. So,
Unknown Speaker 12:30
and it's, I am I know who I am. And I don't have to argue defend, you know, explain justify, I don't have that, like, my brain is not arguing and hustling for my worth with another human being I actually know who I am. And people can have their opinions.
Unknown Speaker 12:47
And how, how does one get there? Okay. The short answer?
Unknown Speaker 12:57
I'm really the short answer. Um, okay. So I would say the first thing is, golly, I really should come up with a, with a soundbite response to something like that. But the shortest version of it is. First and foremost, I remember years ago, I was so tired of, of, of feeling of God, of, of hating either parts of myself, all of myself parts of my life, I was so sick of my own sickness inside of it. That at some point, and this was many years before, I'm this old, right? I'm 54 years old. I'm before the internet before, like you could there was no trauma informed anything. There was just me stumbling around in the dark, trying to figure out how to pull myself together. I just thought, I am going to figure out how to love myself, no matter what. I don't know how. But I'm going to take all the parts that that were shattered all the parts that were never accepted by my family by whatever I'm going, I'm going to figure out how to do that. So I think the first thing is a commitment there. I tell people this some of my clients, it's like, there are five levels of commitment. I don't really care about the first two. The first two is nothing but the third one is Yeah, that sounds interesting. Maybe I'll do it. The fourth one is, which is where everybody gets stuck. The fourth level of commitment is I will do it. And I will think that I'm committed except when it gets really hard. I will blame myself or blame others. And then there's level five commitment which is I will do this no matter what even if it's my last dying breath. Like there's no area there's no room for anything other than this. So I got into level five commitment around that. And then I was pretty doggone good around figuring that out. And what I do is what, what a lot of it's what's called internal family systems work, which I didn't know what that was until, until much later on. I was just doing it organically is that I would internally when there was something in my body that was coming up, or there was some you know, sometimes we have a feeling that comes up. And then we have another thing on top of it that wants to pressure. It's like, we've got an ambivalent, like, really hell war that goes on on the inside? Oh, yeah, two things. Yeah. It would give those two things I would literally turn towards all the places and I would be like, where are you in my body? What's going on? If you had a hat? What would it be? If like you were a size? What size? Are you what color are you with this, I would literally just like very consciously lean into all the spots, give them without any judgment without any trying to shift anything. Just meet every single aspect of myself and give it space, you have space here. In my system. There's a reason why you're here. I'm sorry, I haven't been listening to you, I'm sorry that you have, like literally had to wake me up in the middle of the night or you've been like trying desperately to get my attention. It's me, I haven't been giving you attention. Like what most of us do is that we regurgitate what our families did, which was ignore pretend that but that's what all of our emotions are, they're like children. And the children are like, no child ever, ever feels loved by ignoring beating like, you actually have to pay attention, and listen, and care. And so I had to learn how to do that with all the parts of myself.
Unknown Speaker 16:45
So just to be really clear, so sounds like what you're saying is a feeling would come up. And the normal way of dealing with that would be to turn away or to you know, press it down, or just ignore it. And instead of doing that, you put your attention there. And it's like, you have a dialogue with it or a conversation and you investigate why it's there and where it is. And what I what I love is you were talking about like looking for the the sensations in your body. Like where's it held in your body? Yes.
Unknown Speaker 17:21
And I would even go a little further. It's like, what, it's not just a sensation. When in the beginning, when I was doing this, I was at full war with myself. And so usually when people when we're at war with ourselves, what it's so excruciating, it's so painful to be in our own bodies, that what we do is do anything to avoid the pain. So we'll shop we'll, you know, drink we'll eat, we'll watch you know, YouTube or, or tic TOCs or like, we'll just do anything to avoid, but that avoidance is what exacerbates everything. And so what I would do is the war would come up and instead of avoiding and trying to pretend that the feeling isn't there, like trying to use something, right? That's when I would turn towards and just pick whatever Okay, where is this like war feeling in my body? This Okay? Great. And I would just start dialoguing being with actively engaging, actively listening to what was a very loud voice in my own system.
Unknown Speaker 18:25
And I'm kind of curious, so what were some of the things that that voice would say to you
Unknown Speaker 18:33
I mean, there have been some, you know, when when I was shattered quite a bit. So first there was rage. I also, I was incredibly terrified, took me a long time to get to the really, really, really, really terrified part. I had a whole bunch of defense mechanisms that were on top of it, but it was a lot of rage, a lot of sorrow, a lot of grief, panic. Things that it would say would be I mean it's sort of like the usual suspects stuff about like, shame is one of those really quicksand spots where if you like stepping that it's really challenging to get out of it just suck you in. And my system would did a lot to try to avoid shame. So it would get enraged it would get like sad it would it would. And then for a long time, it was just like leaning into the parts that just had felt genuinely humiliated and ashamed and blamed itself. blamed you know why things had happened. It was my fault. It was my fault. Like I just got into the really, really like challenging feelings that I never had a chance to feel when I was younger.
Unknown Speaker 20:00
I just want to be clear, like when you say you lean into something, it's, you know, allowing yourself to feel that feeling but not necessarily make it okay. Like, like, I know some folks, it's like, they'll have the feeling and they'll be like, Oh, I'm feeling sad. Oh, poor me. I'm sad I No, no, no, no, and then try to comfort that feeling. Oh, that's apparently
Unknown Speaker 20:25
not what I'm talking about that is that is patronizing. And that is like agreeing with a particular story. And that's not what I mean. I will give an example. Let's say, let's say I have a part of me. That is just feeling to myself right now. And I'll do it. So I have a. So there's something that's been going on. I've been doing voice lessons lately. And so there's something going on with my throat right now. It feels like there's a bubbling gurgling, and it sort of goes straight down into my belly. Hmm. That's interesting. I didn't realize that until I put some attention on it. All right. What if it was and if it was made out of material? What kind of I just want to know something about it? So I'm going to give it some quote, body? If it was made out of material, what kind of material would it meet? Would it be made out of? I'm asking. There's some steel between my throat and my belly. In my belly is a soft underbelly sort of feeling like a gooey, fleshy thing. And in my throat is like dry cotton candy. Desert feeling interesting? Is it dynamic or static? Parts of it are dynamic. No, all of it is dynamic. Great. What color does it have? So I asked about the colors. I'll go on. Great. And then I will continue in that vein, great. If it had something to say or if it had a feeling, what would it say? Or what feeling does it have? Oh, wow, it has a lot of feelings. That every part has a different feeling. But the one in my throat is attached to the thing in the belly. So the thing in my belly, once out, once out the thing in my spine that the metal is a rigid sort of protection thing. And the thing in my throat is confused. That's interesting. I personally, this is what I would do. And when I worked, I'd be like, Thank you for whole, I would think it thank you for holding on to this. I didn't realize I wasn't paying attention to you. Thank you for holding all of this. I would continue at that point. Is this something that's helpful? Is this something interesting, by the way? Yeah. And then I would go, okay, great. Which part wants the most attention right now or needs the most attention right now? And the one that spoke loudest right now, is this the metal spine? The one that connects? Yes. Yes. What do you want me? What do you need me to know? And what it's saying is it's very, it's telling me how imperative it is to protect and to hold these two places separate. And I get teary eyed when I think that tears came to mind. I go, I can imagine how hard it's been and how important it is. You've been doing a really, really incredible job at doing that. I'd be curious, I could go into it. Like literally, I would spend time I'd be like, how long have you been holding this? Tell me what started it. And then I would get like, literally I would just understand that there's nothing I'm not fixing. I'm not making anything wrong. I'm not it's literally an inquiry into how my system works, does things and just in paying exquisite attention. Like I'll continue afterwards, just in paying exquisite attention like hey, I'm here. I'm here. I'm, I'm curious if we could do this better or maybe easier, or thank you so much. Maybe I could now take some of the things that you've been holding. Or maybe we talked to the other parts or like just as an inquiry. It starts to transform and shift just being paid attention to I don't know if you've ever in my world. You don't have to take this on but in my world Love is it feels to me like exquisite attention
Unknown Speaker 24:58
Absolutely. You know, before we were talking, before we started recording, we were talking about my partner, understanding what acts of service are. And what I realized is acts of service for me, is paying exquisite attention to what's in my to what is on my plate, and what can be handled elsewhere. And just doing it in a way that is, you know, like a show up, but it's that. And what I realized about, you know, as I'm talking about this is, so my sister is gifts is her love language. And I've never understood it until I was visiting her and she said something about paring knives. And I just, I went ahead and I ordered the paring knives, didn't say anything to her happened to be there when they showed up. And the experience of being with my sister, when she received those knives, was like, you know, in the 50 years, I've known her we've never had that close and experience because she's never felt my, my exquisite attention, my love on her like that.
Unknown Speaker 26:38
I can hear and feel how, how touched and moved. Have an experience that was Thank you. Being seen what all of those love languages, essentially like, like boiled down to is, you see me? See me? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I
Unknown Speaker 27:03
always talk about how being gotten when somebody gets me.
Unknown Speaker 27:10
Oh, my God, it's love. It's the most delicious bone marrow like experience on the inside of what love is.
Unknown Speaker 27:17
Yeah. And especially like, I'm imagining that once or twice in your lifetime, you may have been told you were a bit much.
Unknown Speaker 27:25
Oh, gosh, absolutely. I mean, every woman as and it, and I have absolutely been told that many, many, many times. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Unknown Speaker 27:41
So I imagine when somebody gets you, and it's like, your bigness is amazing. And there is so much space for you to fill here. That? I mean, I know I'll follow them anywhere.
Unknown Speaker 27:53
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, I could, I could even tweak that even a little bit. It's like you're, you're even when someone says your, I want you to feel the difference between your bigness and the depth of feeling you have. bigness has a lot. It's like a comparison to something. But your gosh, the way you express all of the, like, the incredible depth of your feeling feels amazing. There's like a, there's an experiential difference between that and your bigness. Do you know, like, in comparison to what someone's not like, yeah, like, there's something unique about being like take for instance, you have a way of being on the inside. And I'm not I'm sure that people who know you very well, I don't know you very well, but I this is what I can get from you, I could be off about this. But there is a deep-seated mind your your your podcast is about sex, but there's a genuinely deep seated, like, core element of you. That is like your true north is sensuality. And it is coupled with a very young, tender. Sweet, that same tender young sweet is literally the place where all of your legs can come from. Right. And some people seeing that and getting that is literally like having all of you like licked and touched Do you know and so and I'm gonna do I don't know, it's just the feeling I get from you when I when you talk and how you are. And so that's different than your heart. Yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker 29:55
And thank you for that. I do feel very seen and very good. he got Yeah, so and I just want to let me take that in for a moment
Unknown Speaker 30:13
if I could say something you while you're saying that, think about so, so here we are talking about like deeply emotional touching things, right? And then we organically think about how when someone touches you that deeply when someone sees you that deeply how organically or like, literally on some on some deeper level, your emotional and psychological legs sort of open a little bit. You know, the click of your heart and the clip between your legs, like sort of comes out and you're like, yes, you can touch me here.
Unknown Speaker 30:49
And you know, what other clip gets touched is the one in the back of the throat.
Unknown Speaker 30:53
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so yeah, go ahead.
Unknown Speaker 31:01
Oh, I was actually I'm gonna let you finish that thought because I was gonna. I was gonna ask you about singing but
Unknown Speaker 31:09
yeah, yeah, I'm one my husband and I are firm. So many I don't think you believe this. But a lot of people believe that. Sex is like, the X, you know, your cock, pussy mouth, you know, penetration at like, it's those things? And they are yes, those are part of it. But we are firm believers that our life is sex. Everything we do is some form of foreplay, some form of flirting, like and I'm not, I'm not just saying that as some like, magazine article of like, make your whole life? No, I mean it in a very real way. grocery shop like there's, there are opportunities to connect. And I'm not talking about love your cucumber. Like, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about how we communicate, how does it feel? Does it actually make us feel more connected? And more? Close? Do we need appropriate spirit? Like there's a way in which if my whole let's say imagining of light, and my imagining in my mind, if my whole body is a large clip, and his whole entire body is the large cock right then, and inside of it is his heart and my heart? Yuck. But like, how do we, literally inside of life make us feel That sounds so Pollyanna, but we approach our sex life in a much more holistic way. Rather than just, you know, however long about penetration?
Unknown Speaker 32:53
Yeah, I love that. You're that you're saying that? Because it's like, you know, on the one side, sex is so simple. And yet, oh, God, no. Yeah, it's complicated. It's complicated. Because on top of this, you know, this idea this, you know, that first of all, it's like, there is the physical act, right? And then there's like, why do we do it? Right? We've got a myriad of different reasons, from everything from stress release, to approval, to procreation to everything else. And I love you know, hearing you say that our whole lives are our sex, what I'm imagining you're talking about is this energy builds energy falls energy, you know, kind of one of you sort of teases or strokes the other, so the energy goes up there, and then you follow or you come together. And so that's what I imagine that you're talking about.
Unknown Speaker 33:58
Yeah. And also, if we were, to be honest, that sex is not just like, like, it's not just that there's also laughter and, and teasing and fun and awkward and, and like, like, if if you're having regular sex I don't mean like, listen, there's I've had sex with people who wasn't having it was just like, every once in a while, right, but if you're having regular sex, then you're having all kinds of different sex. Interesting sex, sort of like wow, that was I had a built up and then it was like, sort of went flat. That was interesting or what we left the whole entire time. Oh, we had to pause there for a second. Let's just like hanging out for a little bit. Wow, that was really fucking hot. Wow, that was really flirty. That was really like a surprise. It's like you have all kinds of different sex. And that's what I mean by like, our life is like that, right? Sometimes it's boring, but like it's I don't know why we just don't Don't have it like, the half an hour or the 40 minutes or the 10 minutes or the so and so it's good. We're going to have sex now. So yeah, but I Yes, what you were saying, coupled with what I said, just
Unknown Speaker 35:14
got it. Um, I, you know, and just to pause a minute around sex, it's like. So we both work with couples. And one of the biggest things I find, and this may or may not be true for you is it's like uncoupling this idea of what it is right? Like, because most people don't say, going shopping is sex, you know, being in the kitchen together, and like, creating a meal or whatever it is sex, it's like, we have this incredibly limited view. And
Unknown Speaker 35:53
yeah, it's
Unknown Speaker 35:54
one of the hardest things that I find with folks that I work with, to sort of, you know, pop open. The idea of, of that everything, you know that sensuality is available to us in every moment. Every
Unknown Speaker 36:13
the moment I serve as foreplay if I don't like you outside the bedroom, if I'm a little pissed off if I'm resentful, if I haven't said something if he hasn't said something if he said something that pissed me off and then I keep that to myself. You better believe everything that happens outside the bedroom shows up in the bedroom. That's what I mean by everything a six. Huh? I cannot be open the on the mattress. If I have shut down outside the mattress. If I don't like who you are, if I don't like what you've said, if you've said like if I'm stepping over something, I can't selectively open Do you know what I mean? So so that's what I mean by the stroking and the what feels good. happens everywhere, not just in the bedroom. So when
Unknown Speaker 37:08
I hear you say can't selectively open what comes to mind is, you know, tonight is Thursday night at eight o'clock, and it's time for sex. So open the legs like yeah, you know that that it doesn't work like that. And that you know that that I need to say the things I need to say that I need to feel the things that I need to feel that I need to bring all of myself you know, in every hope
Unknown Speaker 37:38
said some people are not like that some people can and some people but I'm, I'm for and you can get away with that for a little while. But if you're in a long-term relationship, that shit don't fly. Yeah, like it just doesn't if you're in a long-term relationship, the newness, the hot, the Ayana is like short lived,
Unknown Speaker 38:03
right? It's kinda like, you know, talk about the, you know, there's the honeymoon and the chemistry. And what do you do once that? Once that fades? Because it does,
Unknown Speaker 38:19
yeah, yeah, the newness fades, and then you're left with another human being and you're a human being, and then you're left with, how do we connect? How do we actually make it feel good? Across the board, like, like, people think that I mean, I go back to this, people think that your clit or your cock are the only things that matter inside of sex. And that's actually not the only thing that matters inside of sex. What also matters is like, where other places were, where it hasn't been feeling good. Do you know? So that's what I mean. But you can't selectively open selectively? Yeah, you can't just do that.
Unknown Speaker 39:00
So you, you kind of talked a little bit about your husband, Ken. I just have to say I was watching you on a video on one of your conversations. And what I loved about watching the two of you was just what you're talking about right now. Like it was. First of all, it's like I really got the care that you have for each other. But that kind of stroking that you're talking about that kind of flirting that you're talking about like you would say something to him and he'd get all lit up and then he'd say something to you and you'd get all lit up. And I know that you're working together with couples more and so I'm wondering, I'd love to hear what that well, first of all, what the experience of working with your husband with other couples is like and where do you take the couples?
Unknown Speaker 39:58
Yeah, Thank you for asking about this. He and it took us a while to get to work together because of him. You know, for those who don't know who my husband is, my husband is someone who's been in he's a sexuality, intimacy and relationship coach. And he has been that for a long time. And he sort of sharpened his teeth so to speak on for the past 20 years or longer. It has literally focused on taught and is maybe the only person or one of maybe two people on the planet, who has focused almost exclusively on women's clitoris is like, he's an expert on how women's clitoris is work. Like he did in minute detail, he lived in a sex commune at one point where they were like studying deep dive in, in pleasure, like all the men and women there that like were there as a deep dive into pleasure. And then he taught it at another organization, women's sexuality specifically in their clips. So he comes with that. So it's a whole body of work himself. And I have my body of work. And so he had been working with couples for a long time, I had been working with women, I worked every once in a while with couples, but really, my women are and have been I work with men and women, but like women are my Jimmy Jam. And so it took us a while to start working together. And then he started bringing me into some of his couples. And I have particular expertise about how women think and why and what's going on and how dynamics are. And then when we started to work together, it was just fucking fun. As I say, it was just a new, oh my god, it's so much fun. Like I bring, like, there are certain things that I do that he's like, Oh my God, look at your genius. And there are certain things where he does where I'm just like, I am so grateful that you are on that call, because I didn't know what the fuck to do in that moment. Like, it's just great. And so where we bring couples is I mean, it really just depends on the couple. But I'm sure you'll understand this, because you work with couples as well. People get into grooves, their groove is based so deeply on patterning. So they've got two things that are going on patterning that they've they've come from when they were a kid, right or whatever they've learned about relationships, they come with that. And then they create a new thing together. And then their relationship is in a rut. And they are convinced that the other person is and they don't, they've stopped seeing the other person a long time ago. They don't even know who the other person is, even though they're convinced that they do know who the other person is. And then we sort of pull that stuff apart. We do it like in a way that's really fun and easy and interesting and yada yada yada. And then we've got and then and then when they actually start to get to know one another, really start listening really start getting one another really start to get that there's so much more to each of them, then who they've they assumed all of a sudden the relationship starts to come to life again, there are six starts to come to life again. And that's just fun. It's just a bunch of fun.
Unknown Speaker 43:37
And that sounds amazing. And, it sounds like you guys are putting together something.
Unknown Speaker 43:44
Yeah. So he and I've worked together a lot. And then we also have we've got a couple of things going on. We have an ongoing membership thing that we do, where we've worked with couples and it's so much fun, and it's an it's an a price point that works for people. Yeah, I was like for me right now. I can't fuck it. I think it's too. Oh my god, I should know that. But it's sovereignty and connection. If someone wants to reach out, you can reach out it's super easy. It's you get Office Hours, once a month. And then there's like, stuff that you can we talk about, like, you know, a couple of times a month. It's really fun to be with other couples, which is really great. I love
Unknown Speaker 44:22
that but just getting to be like, like getting to be in the field of YouTube together. Yeah, it's frickin AI. It's high.
Unknown Speaker 44:33
Super hot. It's super exciting and fun. And you get to hear stories and like be with us and stuff because we really share about like our own life. You know, we're not shy about that kind of thing. And then the other thing that we're doing is in Austin in November, November, November, I think it's like the 10th or something like that. It's like Thursday, Friday, Sunday. So we're doing a woman's circle and then we're doing a two day couples thing on Friday and Saturday. And then because he knows so much about stroking and there's a huge stroking community in Austin. We're doing a one day stroking clinic. Ah clit stroking clinic.
Unknown Speaker 45:10
I love it. God lucky Austin. Yeah. Okay, there's something positive about Texas.
Unknown Speaker 45:17
There is actually Austin to Austin's great. There are lots of people on the ground who are not the government in Texas.
Unknown Speaker 45:25
Good to remember because boy, do I get stuck there sometimes I hear
Unknown Speaker 45:29
you. I get it. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 45:31
So um, the other thing that I really wanted to ask you about because I again just saw this on Facebook that you are doing an event in New York.
Unknown Speaker 45:45
Oh my god. So my one of my dearest colleagues and friends Gina hatzes of the too much woman and if you don't know who she is, she is how do you not know who she is she is just this beautiful, luscious, like her thing is that she did this speech at the last second that was because she's been a public speaker for 100 years. And so she did the speech at the last second of being like, I've always been the too much woman, I'm to this to that, to that to that. And it went viral like like hundreds of millions. It just went viral. And then she started removing, it's amazing. I love her. She's beautiful. She's Everything about her is amazing. And she and I have been friends for a while and we do lots of masterclasses and stuff together. But we're doing something in New York on October 29, I think Friday talk October 28 to 20, I think it's 28th. And we're going to be at the triad theatre, and we're doing a one day event. And we've got some things around that as well. But if you are in the New York area, you can in fact, even if you're not in the New York area, you can. There's a streaming service that we're doing, if you can't go but you want to be a part of it. So they're streaming, there's also the day of that you can do and then also we have some other special events afterwards. But it's going to be really special, we're going to have some performances, it's going to be one of those experiences where genuinely how you come in, you can drop your mask, you're going to learn how to do a bunch of stuff and you will come out transform the other end. Ah,
Unknown Speaker 47:12
I am super excited to hear that you are streaming that. I think one of the more positive aspects of the pandemic is, is is you know, being able to include people learning how to include people that are not in your sphere. And just I mean, I think that's super helpful for people who, you know, aren't able to travel for whatever reasons. And yeah, so that is awesome. I had no, I'm very excited to hear that you're streaming. And yes, she was in San Francisco, and did a too much woman. thing. And I was just like, holy moly. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 47:55
yeah, you get us both in a room. And really, it's very, very, it's really super hot. Oh, my God, I love her. I just love her.
Unknown Speaker 48:07
So we are getting towards the end of our time. And I'm curious God, there's so much more I want to talk about. So I am going to ask you nicely if you'd like to come back sometime.
Unknown Speaker 48:19
In fact, if you would like to have me and if you would like to have Kenan I Yeah, actually, that would be maybe probably a fun conversation. And a great follow up is to have Ken and I on the call.
Unknown Speaker 48:34
Oh, I would love that. I love that. Um, yeah. Okay, power of asking. Just modeled, you ask for what you want. And people want to give it to you. Um, but so, you know, if somebody has been listening to this conversation, and or if they just tuned in like, what, what would you say is one thing that you would like them to leave with?
Unknown Speaker 49:03
I mean, my big thing is I if, if someone is listening, and you have had a life that has been challenging, like marked with real hardship, or trauma, or heartbreak, and you're having a hard time right now, I am someone who has had an unbelievable challenges, like challenging things that have happened, been knocked down. I can't even tell you how many times and I swear to you, I promise you that you are not the things that have happened to you. I swear to you on like everything I know to be true. That there is a way through to finding some inner peace. I'm not saying it's easy, but there is a way and that life is for you. And that you do get to have it in spite of whatever it is that you might believe or might think that there there's hope. And that there are resources. The other thing I wanted to say is I want to say is regardless of how you wake up every single day, and think about how wrong and how bad and how fucked things are, you are, there is not a thought or a feeling or anything that you have had that I have not had. There's not a moment when you have thought I can't make it. I promise you, I have not just done that. But I've tried a couple of times. But it can get better. And then I just don't want you to lose hope and that there's a place in this world for you. That's so good.
Unknown Speaker 50:51
Ah, so, um, yeah, I just want to take a moment and let that sink in. There is hope. And there is a place for you. Yes. Oh, good. So, how can we find you? I know I'm gonna put everything in the show notes. But for those that are driving down the road,
Unknown Speaker 51:12
yeah. So I gosh, I so in the show notes. There's a link tree because there's a whole bunch of places to there's a whole bunch of things that I'm doing. redoing my website. So I'm by the time this is live, it should be in the next couple of few days. But Facebook, I'm all over there. I'm all over Tik Tok. I'm all over all kinds of places and you can reach me at ANA at my rightness.com Anna a na at my ri ght m e. S s.com.
Unknown Speaker 51:54
Thank you so so very much. And for those of you listening, please take a moment. Like subscribe comments on Apple podcasts or where ever you listen so that we can come together and make a better world better sex better world. Thank you so much for listening, and I look forward to having you listen again.