Chemistry and Communication ~ Hema

Chemistry is essential for great sex - and it isn't as elusive or accidental as we make it out to be. In fact, how we experience chemistry can be a BIG indicator of blockages or unhealed patterns within ourselves. 

This week, I've invited Hema - a gifted psychic, energy healer, and certified Tantra Instructor -  on to the podcast to take us through what contributes to chemistry, teach us how to use energy healing to move those past blockages and unhealed patterns, and give us the language we need to identify and communicate exactly what we want in the bedroom. 

Join Hema and me as we discuss:

• the science behind energy healing

• reprogramming your energy field to remove blocks

• how to honor our physical intuition

• why you should be cautious of overwhelming chemistry

• what contributes to chemistry

• the impact communication roadblocks have on your sex life

• how to identify and communicate your needs - both sexual and otherwise

• staying curious about sex, yourself, and your partner

Connect with Hema: 

Website: http://hemaholisticmystic.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/realhemayoga

Connect with Deborah:

Website: https://www.deborahkat.com/
Email: deborahtantrakat@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.tantrakat
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TantraKat 

In our commitment accessibility, we’d love to offer polished show notes to help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts.

What we can offer are these very imperfect show notes via the Otter.ai service. The transcription is far from perfect. But hopefully it’s close enough - even with the errors - to give those who aren’t able or inclined to learn from audio interviews a way to participate.

Unknown Speaker 0:03

Hello, and welcome to the better sex podcast where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships. Today, I am super excited to have my friend and colleague, hammer the holistic mystic joining me. So, I'm gonna say go ahead and say hello, hammer.

Unknown Speaker 0:30

Oh, hi, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Unknown Speaker 0:34

I am super excited that you're here. So I'm going to jump in and give you all the official bio. So hey, Matt is a holistic empowerment mentor, and has been certified as a yoga teacher, a certified tantric educator and a big leap coach, she helps clients release what's blocking them from achieving their full potential, so they can freely live a life of purpose and passion. She works with clients on a variety of topics, including abundant mindset, intimacy and relationship coaching. As a generational, as well as generational trauma. Her teachings include mindfulness breathwork, and a focus on somatic connection and awareness. She's also led many courses on the topic of dismantling racism, biased and oppression. Welcome, we are so glad to hear you. So glad that you're here.

Unknown Speaker 1:43

Thank you again, I'm honored to be here.

Unknown Speaker 1:45

Oh, well. So there is a lot going on in that in your bio. And I'm curious, like, how did you get here? What's your story? Oh,

Unknown Speaker 1:55

that's a great question. You know, my story is that what I actually do, and I realized it's not, it's missing in the bio is I actually am a psychic and Empath, and an energy healer. And so I find out that I had those gifts very early on in my, in my life, my, in my early teens. And I have worked ever since then, to really expand my ability for energy healing, that's really how it started out and worked with several mentors and you know, have been doing energy healing. On the side, I would say, for many decades, actually. And lately, a lot of the other gifts have dropped in the psychic insights. Being able to converse with people from the beyond. All of that is coupled with, you know, how people relate to each other. It's an I get messages and how on what people need to work on, and what they need to release in order to be able to live a fully empowered life. So yeah, there's a lot going on there. It's very multi dimensional, what I do with clients and I have a particular affinity to helping clients with intimacy and, and sexuality and relationships. So that's kind of that's kind of how I got here. I'm so

Unknown Speaker 3:11

curious. So I have a good idea of what you mean by energy healing. And I'm wondering if you could, if you could explain that just a little bit.

Unknown Speaker 3:22

Oh, absolutely. So every person has their own their own bio energetic field. And it's been proven with plants and it's been mapped out scientifically with human beings with plants with animals. And I found out very early on so I was able to actually heal a friend of mine had burned their hand and it was a very bad burn actually, from I forget what it was, I think it was a matches or something. And I had been somehow drawn to put my hands over that area and the burn which was quite bad it was very blustery. And it was you know, it was purple and it literally disappeared before eyes and it was almost like nothing had happened to this person's hand. So that's when I realized oh, there there's something going on here. And so energy healing is where I can kind of channel energy from from this from source from God, whatever word you want to use to be able to help someone else's body heal heal itself. So there's there's a, you know, scientific research about helping people with electromagnetic energy and being able to actually alter the person's energy field around disease or any discomfort in their body. So that's what I mean with energy healing. So it's like the laying on of hands, what people call Reiki these days, but But what I do is something that I think is a little more enhanced than Reiki. I was it's something that I was actually born with and you know, have just been have been developing that over over my time here.

Unknown Speaker 5:00

And how do you like to tell me about working with you and energy? How does that work

Unknown Speaker 5:07

system. So typically, typically what happens is people who contact me are people who are feeling stuck in their lives. So maybe your job is not going the way you want it to, you feel like you're dating the same person over and over again, although they're different people, you maybe you know, relationship with your parents is not great, or you're not getting the type of money you want. There's something some area of your life or maybe multiple areas of your life where you might feel like you're really stuck, like you've tried a number of things, and nothing's working. What I do is actually, initially, when clients come to me this way, I actually start reading their aura. And seeing so or is like the energy field around a person. And I start reading that to see, the messages that I get are very specific to what someone might be hanging on to. So for example, a client came to see me she'd had real money problems and just a lack of abundance in her life. So we started kind of drilling into, and the first one that came up for me, was her mother. And it had nothing to do with money, it was more her relationship with her mother, and her mother in her life had been very erratic and not very constant. And so from a very young age, she never knew where her mother was going to be whether her mother was going to be at home, taking care of her or not. And in the same way, that's how her relationship with money was, was very erratic, money would come money would go. And because she hadn't healed the relationship with her mother, that pattern, that energy pattern started to appear in another area of her life around her abundance mindset. So we worked on healing the pattern with her mother, and that helped heal her her outcome or her the way she viewed money, and how she was able to bring in money on a more regular basis. So with energy healing, you know, I actually am able to see, okay, these are things that are in your aura that are in your energy field that might be holding you back. And so I do a reading and then we start working on untangling, what is that block? How did it occur, and then essentially reprogramming a person's energy field, a person's mindset, even reprogramming and resetting the soma, the body, so that it kind of clears out all of that, and then you're able to move on in your life in a way that it's very empowered. So that's kind of a brief overview as to how that works.

Unknown Speaker 7:25

Oh, my gosh, I've got so many questions. So So one of the things that I'm curious about is, you know, you were talking about you, so we've got the energy piece, and then you started to talk about some of the body? And how those two pieces, you know, how does that work together?

Unknown Speaker 7:45

You know, it's, it's interesting that you asked that it just, to me, it feels so intuitive that we have a body, I mean, we should be listening to our bodies, but many of us do not. You know, in our society, today, we're being trained to think only we are human doings, not human beings. And there's like this big disconnect between our mind and our bodies, and especially with technology to people, we're often very much in our heads. So the importance of the soma is listening to, and being aware of what's happening in your body. And so for example, if you think of some food that you like, or some food that you really, really dislike, your body will have a physical reaction to each of those thoughts. And so it's important to feel okay, how is my body reacting. And it's been proven actually scientifically that our bodies actually have, it actually has its own intelligence. It all resides in the brain. But actually, our whole gut system, our intestinal system has a separate neurological network that is another Intelligence Center. And so scientists are just beginning to discover this. You know, everyone says, I have a gut feeling right? Or my gut tells me this, well, there's a reason for that, because there is an intelligence center there. So I actually help people tap into that, and understand what their body's reactions are, so that they can better guide themselves. And I'll give an example for an argument example, from my own life, there was at one point, a job that I had applied for, you know, logically kind of checked all the boxes, and on paper, it looked really good. But my gut kept telling me, you know, don't go, don't go, don't accept the job, don't accept the job. I didn't listen to my gut feeling. I went to the job anyway, it was probably one of the worst experiences I've ever had in the workplace, it was pretty miserable. So you know, my body had already been trying to tell me, it knew ahead of time that this wasn't going to be a good situation for me, but I overrode it because intellectually I thought it was going to be a good opportunity. So you know, I've learned now to listen to when my body speaks to me that way about what feels good or what more importantly what doesn't feel good to really under to really go with that feeling. So I help people tap into that, you know, get more tuned in to what's happening at the body level.

Unknown Speaker 10:09

Yeah, you know, it's funny when you were talking about like, yeah, check all the boxes, it looked good on paper. You know, for me, it just really brought up my dating relationships, because I can't tell you how many times I've met, you know, especially with Tinder or, you know, some of the online stuff where it's like, they've got a, they've got a good picture. And, you know, they've got all the right, they're using the right languaging. And as you said, they're checking the right boxes, but then you show up, and there's nothing. There's not a connection there. Um, so, um, so yeah. And I'm curious. And I'm not exactly sure how to ask this. But here goes. So, speaking of connection, do you notice a difference? Like how between like connection and say, chemistry?

Unknown Speaker 11:05

Oh, that's a that's a good? That's a good question. And I'm not sure that there's a difference actually, but you know, so connection can be at a variety of levels, right, a connection doesn't necessarily have to be sexual, nor does chemistry necessarily have to be sexual between two people. One of the closest friends I had for many, many years, I saw her in the workplace. And I remember just looking at her and just like, instantly, you know, falling in platonic love with her. And I was like, Oh, my God, Sheila, she was my BFF for many, many years. And in fact, when we see each other even to today, we're it's very, we're very close, we're not as you know, day to day as we used to be. But that connection is still there. So I would say that connection and chemistry, they're, they're very much intertwined, right, because one doesn't feel like maintaining a connection, if there's no chemistry. And so, but then you can have, you know, connection in chemistry in a sexual or romantic relationship. And I always say to my clients, be aware of the chemistry between with someone that that feels overwhelming, or that feels like it's invading all your senses, you know, that awesome chemistry that I'm looking for. Because that can often be a soul lesson for you, as a person, and it can be great, and it can be not so great. So you have to be aware of if there's a really strong attraction to somebody, you might be working out some some past patterns, you might be working out some soul, you know, lessons that you need, working on some shadow elements, perhaps. So I always say, you know, just be aware, right? Don't Don't just be aware, I mean, chemistry is great. But it means that, that you probably need to work on something, and this person is going to help you do that. So you know, chemistry can be great. And chemistry can be challenging also.

Unknown Speaker 12:52

Yeah. And you know, it's funny, because when you said beware, it's like what I actually heard was a bee. Oh, well, where, you know, so it's not so much of a scary thing, just more of a like, oh, wow, what's, you know, my senses are being completely flooded? How can I ground myself and find that connection? And, you know, the connection with self before the connection with others, right?

Unknown Speaker 13:18

Oh, absolutely. But here's another example, right? Like, be aware, that's absolutely what I meant. But although I use the word, beware. But here's an example. There's a client of mine who is in what I would what I would label a toxic relationship, and this person is actually admitted as much. But they keep going back to, to the person that they're attracted to, because the chemistry is overwhelming, it's so compelling. But what they're really doing is they're working out some past patterns with respect to parental patterns, toxicity and not being valued. And but the chemistry keeps pulling them back in. So I keep saying, Well, I guess there's more, there's more lessons for you to learn. So you know, ride the wave, but also know that there's, there's some deep learnings in here for you. So you know, people just need to be aware of that chemistry is, is very compelling. And it can also mean that you have to work on stuff.

Unknown Speaker 14:16

And, um, how does that, like, as you're working things out, how does that improve? Like, sometimes it feels like it improves the relationship and sometimes as the, you know, it's the chemistry windows as it were, or works out. It's not as compelling and wondering if you can talk a little bit about that.

Unknown Speaker 14:39

Yeah, you know, chemistry is, is complex, because it can be a variety of things. I found that of course, there are the biological and physiological reasons for chemistry. You know, I've read a lot of interesting articles about about chemistry is all about pheromones, of course and hormones and you know, what orders your sorority Reading. In fact, there was a really great study that was done where they got women to sniff the armpits of their male partners. And after, after they had worked out really hard. So all the men really sweaty and grungy and, and, and if you like the smell of your, of your partner, and this is not to be heteronormative, it could be across any gender relationships, if you like the smell of your partner, you know, without perfume, or deodorant or any of that, just naturally, then you probably have a good biological and physiological connection. If you don't like the smell of your partner, without without all of that on, then, you know, maybe the connection is not as great, there's definitely a biological aspect to it. But again, I think this is our body intelligence telling us, this person is going to be a good fit, this person is not going to be a good fit. So there's that the physical attraction, the actual physicality of it. But I also think that there is some soul attraction, there can be you know, people talk about twin flames and, and soul attractions, yes, that is definitely a thing. So you can be attracted at a soul level to somebody, and then that could lead to physical attraction as well. Or vice versa, you have the physical attraction first, and then that leads to the soul connection later. It can happen in any number of ways. But I also think that chemistry doesn't dwindle. That depends though, if you if you do the things that you that you need to do to maintain a relationship, then chemistry can continue to grow on itself in a good way. So it can continue to be additive in a loving, exciting way. But you know, chemistry usually starts to dwindle when the relationship runs into some snags when you start having some relationship hurdles to overcome them the chemistry during those if those challenges aren't addressed in a holistic, loving, conscious way. And so that's when I find my clients have chemistry that dwindles.

Unknown Speaker 16:55

And what are some of the things that what are some of the roadblocks that you're talking about that come up in relationships?

Unknown Speaker 17:04

Well, you know, it's interesting, my partner and I, we teach together also on this topic, and, and, you know, he has a really good model that he talks about, so I'm going to mention him, Hans at hands on sex calm, and he talks about a vicious cycle and a virtuous cycle. So there is a vicious cycle and virtual cycle in relationships, if things aren't going well, in the relationship, the virtue of the vicious cycle is that typically the sex cycle also goes down. But what we want to do is, you know, shift ourselves from the vicious cycle of dwindling chemistry, lack of attraction, whoa, Ha, I'm living as roommates, I'm going to start you know, the stress cycle starts going down, to shifting it to a virtuous cycle where it becomes additive. Like I said, before, you know, you improve certain areas of the relationship, the sex gets better, and it continues to get better as you go up the virtuous cycle. So it's about shifting people and couples from you know, a vicious cycle into a virtuous cycle. And that requires some work requires some self awareness requires work on communication, that's one of my most favorite things to talk about in a relationship. It requires work, but it can happen, a shift can happen. It requires both parties, both people in the relationship to want to make change happen.

Unknown Speaker 18:22

So you brought up communication, and I'm curious, what are the places that you see communication, either falling apart or not happening? Or, you know, the other thing that I see often is being over? Over done kind of, like looped around, I guess, is what I often see. It's like, you know, the thing that keeps going round and round?

Unknown Speaker 18:51

Yeah, so we're I see with couples that I work with communication breakdown, it's really outside the bedroom. So that's a very general broad thing to say. But when communication outside the bedroom is not going well then guarantee that communication inside the bedroom isn't going very well. And so communication in the area of just being able to talk about the real stuff, not talking about the groceries, or what the kids did today, or what happened at work, but it's really having a touch base with each other, I wouldn't say on a daily basis, but definitely on a weekly basis. The you know, are you happy? Are you feeling fulfilled? What can I do to bring more joy in your life? What can we do together to bring more joy and happiness into what we're doing? And is there something you want to explore? What are you curious about? No one asks us these questions on, you know, in a regular basis, and I'm feeling that my partner is someone I should be able to do that with but we get into these ruts where we become functional partners, rather than romantic partners. And so I say there's there's time to do the stuff talk, you know, you can talk about all the stuff, the lists, and the handyman and the blah, blah, just leave some time for that. But then carve out some time with each other to talk about the things that really matter. What are your dreams? What are you curious about? What do you want to explore? You know how? And I think the key question is, how do we bring more joy into our lives jointly and into our lives individually? have those conversations their way?

Unknown Speaker 20:27

I love that you started that, you know, the first question that you were that you that came up was like, Are you happy? And etc, etc? It's a just in some ways, it's such a basic question it is, but when you slow down to actually answer it, it can be really quite profound. can be, you know, it's like, do I even know what happiness feels like? Um, so yeah, that's a that's a really big piece. And I wonder, you know, sort of tying this idea of body wisdom and communication together about what is the self communication or self talk that is supportive of have a good relationships?

Unknown Speaker 21:14

Oh, self talk is such an important piece of it. I actually did a whole show on on my radio show the holistic mystic, about this topic about, you know, learning to love ourselves, and what is the dialogue that we have with ourselves. So having positive dialogue with ourselves is really important. And if your partner asks you, Are you happy, but you've never had the time to explore that question for yourself? If you're not doing the inquiries to yourself by yourself, then yeah, it was gonna be challenging to answer those questions that a partner poses to you. So I'm always in a state of self inquiry. You know, I'm always like, oh, what made me do that? What was I thinking at that moment? How come that didn't go as well as I wanted to? How come that went really? Well, I'm always asking myself, it sounds like it could be tiresome, you know, I don't do it every single minute of the day, when, you know, for bigger occasions, I do sort of sit back or bigger events and think, Okay, well, what was happening there? What could I have done better? What can I do to bring more joy? I asked myself these questions so that I can start having the answers. And I can walk into my relationship feeling empowered, not feeling like the other person needs to complete me, you know, I'm sorry, Tom Cruise, complete me line, it doesn't work in relationships, I need to complete myself first. Yeah, I need to be a complete whole person, or at least working on that, not expect the other person to fill me up to pre anticipate my needs to, you know, nurture me or not nurture me, they, they don't know what to have what needs to happen when so I need to know,

Unknown Speaker 22:52

sorry, it's funny, as you're saying that I'm like, Oh, my God, that is that is the cultural story of love. Yes, complete me, you know how to do it, you know, you know, like, we we, we outsource all of that. You know, and and on top of that, so many of us are taught, you know, not to have conversations about about sex or about what we want in relationship, because I'm not exactly sure what it is supposed to happen if we talk about what is you know, what we want in sex or what we want in our relationships. But I'm, I'm really struck with how often that line of communication is, is closed down.

Unknown Speaker 23:37

Certainly challenging for me to ask for what I want in the bedroom. If I if I can't ask for what I want outside the bedroom, right? Yet, there has to be an equal equal opportunity in both areas inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom. If I can't ask and have a conversation with you about the fact that I want chocolate ice cream, I'm not going to be as be able to ask for something more vulnerable in the bedroom. But you have to be you have to own your own autonomy, and understand yourself to be able to advocate for yourself.

Unknown Speaker 24:05

I'm curious, and I'm curious if there's a particular place that was hard for you to ask, and how you and wound that to be able to use to make that

Unknown Speaker 24:23

request. Yeah, that's this is gonna be a pretty vulnerable share. But the example that comes to mind for me is when we started exploring open relationships. And, you know, contrary to what many people might think many, many of my friends were like, Oh, I guess, I guess your partner wanted to open relationship because he's male, like no, actually, I did. And so that kind of flipped the narrative right from right at that point, and to be able to really understand why I wanted that. And what I was looking for And then to be able to ask for that not knowing what the reaction was going to be, I was very hesitant. And I hadn't really thought about open relationships until I had met someone who I had a connection with. And I wanted the opportunity to explore that connection. And so I had to come with a very vulnerable ask I to really sit with myself for for a minute and ask myself, like, what are you doing here? What do you want what you know, what is this all about, and then to be able to present it to my partner. Now, thankfully, he's a very open minded, very loving person. And we're connected at so many different layers that, you know, opening up the relationship from a sexual perspective didn't threaten anything else that we had in the relationship. So it ended up being an easier conversation than I had envisioned. But it was very vulnerable for me to admit that there was something lacking for me not in the relationship, there was something lacking for me in my life, I really hadn't had a lot of male attention, I hadn't had a lot of attention period for women or for men. And that could be the story that I have in my head. But that was the way I grew up. Being a minority, a woman of color, in a society that's predominantly white, I really felt like I was on the outside, and you know, not the slim Barbie that everybody was looking for. So I thought, and so I realized that I needed more validation, I needed to know that I was attractive to more than just the person I was with. But that was really an innate need. And it felt very high schoolish in a way it felt like, oh, you know, I need to date a lot of people to feel good about myself. But that's kind of what it was. Because, you know, my partner, and I have an unconventional relationship in many ways. We never really dated. So I didn't have that experience, you know, with with him. And that's when I realized, oh, I need this other validation. And it was really important to me. And thankfully, my partner understood and we had to unpack a lot of stuff. Unpack, okay, what happened when I was growing up? Why is it that I feel this way? What could I do to help fill myself up other than looking for something else outside the relationship, other other things that I could do to make myself feel better? And that's all a continuous working in progress for me. But yeah, that was very vulnerable to go to him with that request.

Unknown Speaker 27:25

Yeah, and I gotcha. So appreciate you sharing that. And there's, there's a couple things I really want to highlight there. What you just said about, like, doing the exploration of like, you know, what is it that I'm looking for, and coming up with, you know, first of all, coming up with outside validation, which is kind of a you know, it's, it's, it's not exactly something we celebrate, right? You know, it's like, Oh, you, you know, you should be able to do it yourself. And, you know, all the self care. And so to be able to look at that and be really clear that I've done what I can do over here. And I actually want and need something from the outside. And I It occurs to me that one of the things that we miss, that I believe we miss is accurate reflection. Yes. Right. And it's a really important thing to have that kind of reflection, you know, both both the kind of reflection of like, Hey, babe, yeah, might be a little bit outside the box, give it a little bit further outside of you think or, wow, you're, you know, I really see your light shining. Right. And I feel like for so many of us, and I think, you know, I can't speak to your experience, but, I mean, I certainly know, you know, I have stories about like, you know, what it's like to grow up in a more conservative, traditional lineage. And what's okay and what's not okay, so, and, and, and I know, like, there's definitely some cultures where it's like, you know, you don't get a lot of praise, because if you do, you know, there's all stories about how, you know why that's not a good thing and who you become if you get overly praised. And so, so yeah, having that accurate reflection from the outside is super important.

Unknown Speaker 29:27

Yeah, it really is. And I mean, I did a lot of work on on myself the positive self talk and stuff, but I think what helped me is what you just said is the reflection through someone else's eyes. And yes, I love my primary partner, you know, a lot, but it was also validation to see oh, well, he's not the only one. There are other people who think that I'm, that I'm, you know, pretty awesome that it really does help I have to say, Yeah, and you know, we all need it. external validation, actually, I'm going to say that I've thought about and I would love people to contact me about this, I would love to be an external validator for anybody. You know, like, reflect back to you your, your good point, so that you can feel good about yourself. I think we all need that.

Unknown Speaker 30:15

Hmm, yes, absolutely. And this is gonna say something about AI was that that, oh, well, um, but I, I want to come back to the to the self talk to the self communication. Because I know that communication, as you said, is a big part of great relationships, and really good sex. And so I'm wondering if you'd be willing to give a little bit of an idea of the kinds of things that in a relationship you would want to communicate around? And how that might be the same? No more sexual realm?

Unknown Speaker 30:58

Yeah, absolutely. So in a relationship, I mentioned, you know, we communicate at different levels with the other person, there's the stuff talk, there's the there's the deep talk, then there's the sex talk, because I do think people need to talk about sex as well. And it can be part of the deep talk, but actually think it needs to be a separate thing. And then then there's what I call Body Talk. So there's like four different ways in which you talk or communicate in a relationship. And the deep talk, we talked about that the sex talk, that's important, because, you know, as women, we and I'm going to make a general statement here, but in our society, women tend to give away their autonomy around around sex and sexuality. And so I would say, you know, this is very important for women to, for us to get to know our bodies, is to be able to have the sex talk with our bodies. So it's about body exploration, and seeing what feels good and what doesn't feel good for ourselves. And then being able to articulate to our partner, well, you know, this feels good. And that feels good. And this feels good. But if even even if you don't have time to do the self exploration, or you don't make it a priority, or you for whatever societal conditioning, you don't think that you should be masturbating. You know, try things out with your partner, you can say, Well, how about we experiment, take everything is like a fun lab environment and just say, well, I want to see what happens when you, you know, touch me on my neck, I want to see what happens when you touch the inside of my elbow, I want to see what happens when you kiss me in a particular place. You know, I don't think enough couples take on that curiosity, maybe initially in the relationship, but what we should realize is that our bodies change all the time. And particularly for women as we go through different phases, whether it be you know, pregnancy, post pregnancy, pre pregnancy, pre penname, menopause, you know, menopause, post menopause, it changes, everything changes, but you know, men's bodies change too. And so it's like a constant. Yeah, it's a constant exploration, hey, does this still feel good? Like it felt good, you know, a year ago, we could go a day ago, change. And so I think the important thing here is to approach everything, like it's a new landscape, don't assume that you know, everything. Don't assume that you know everything about your own body. Don't assume that you know everything about the other person's body. So I think that that communication, being curious with ourselves, and then being curious with our partner, is really important around better sex. But sorry, go ahead.

Unknown Speaker 33:33

I just, I'm all excited here. Well, you know, the curiosity piece is huge, you know, and the fun piece and I just like, you know, sometimes it seems like we sex becomes this big, you know, serious experience and it becomes it can become, you know, as in you, it can become more of a block, you know, the relationship black versus the relationship, you know? What do I want to say here, the amplifier, the amplifier,

Unknown Speaker 34:09

the blossoming both sexes Flex is very complicated to write, there are power dynamics at play. In a sexual situation, there are performance issues and challenges at play. There are society expectations that can that can make sex feel heavier. There's also frequency expectations. There's goal oriented expectations around sex, Oh, I must orgasm so many times, and he must do this. And, you know, if we just take if we can, and this is what I help couples do take all of that off the table and just start from square one, which is, let's just explore each other's bodies, you know, in a way that kids would explore something, you know, we played doctor with each other. It was just about kind of childlike curiosity around our bodies and someone else's body. Let adopt that attitude, and take all of the other pressures around sex out of, you know, off the table. And same thing you know, and then there's if, if a couple is trying to conceive, and that becomes very pressure filled, then sex becomes more of an obligation rather than a fun thing to do. So, you know, just taking everything back to square one, I was like, just explore your body, find out what feels good, and what doesn't feel good.

Unknown Speaker 35:27

So, I'm going to get a little bit more like, so if you had one tip or technique around exploring the body, what might that be,

Unknown Speaker 35:37

I would say explore, sensation, play. And you I know, you know what that means. But for listeners, sensation play is using different things to create different sensations in the body. So one form of sensation play, for example, can be just, you know, using your hands and lightly touching someone's body. Another form of sensation blade play could be lightly scratching someone's body, you know, and seeing what that feels good. Another form of sensation play could be taking a rose, a rose pedal, and just slowly, you know, touching someone's body with a rose, noticing how that feels. And then often I do something a little contrarian, which is like sandpaper, not the rough kind, but you know, sandpaper very lightly on the body that stimulates the nerve endings in a different way. You can do all kinds of things with it, you can use ice cubes, you can use, you know, hot washcloth, I mean, you can do all kinds of things. If you want to go a little further, you can use wax and other kind of play. Sensation play is, is a really great way to understand your body a little bit better. And it's so much fun. It's fun to do it. Right. And and the thing is, is everyone's nerve endings are wired a little differently. So observing what's happening, and there are some sensations you want, like, okay, so don't do them again. But it's all an exploration.

Unknown Speaker 37:05

Yeah. I love that. I love that. So what do you like? What are you working on? What are you passionate about right now?

Unknown Speaker 37:13

Oh, I am so passionate about helping women, particularly women of color, own their autonomy around their sexuality and their bodies, not as something that really turns me on, I'm very passionate about that. You know, and then helping people work through Okay, so what are the patterns that are stopping you from being fully expressed sexually, whatever fully express means for that person, and working through those so you could maybe you have some trauma in your life, really helping women shed sexual trauma is also another one of my passions, which I do with the energy work that I mentioned earlier. So you know, is there trauma in your body, if you're a woman of color, it's pretty much guaranteed there's some trauma in your body, sexual trauma and other kinds of trauma. So how do you how do we reprogram that? How do we let go of that, and so that you feel safe in your body so that you feel safe, you know, with what you're doing. And so I work on that, and then that helps women just blossom from a sexual perspective, because once you start feeling safe in your body, then you can start owning the sexual energy in your body. So that's really that's really my passion and, and to enable women to use their voice to articulate and get what they want in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. And so it's about reclaiming our autonomy around us our sexuality, our bodies are voice

Unknown Speaker 38:39

Hmm. Love that. Love that. And I just want to reiterate that, you know, for so much of what we're talking about, you know, it does it works in the bedroom, but it works out in the world as well. Absolutely. Can you know if you can ask for what you want, if you can let people know that you know, the way they're treating you is not okay. You know it your power and your autonomy. It, it flows both ways. And I just really appreciate you mentioning that. So, I'm curious if let's just say somebody tuned in just a moment ago, and if you wanted them to get like, what would be one thing that you would want people to walk away from our conversation today.

Unknown Speaker 39:29

I would want people to walk away with the knowledge that the body is really important. And the body has an into its own intelligence center. And therefore the internal dialogue that we have with our body is extremely important. And that that internal dialogue depending on how and what it's like can affect all aspects of our life, including sex and sexuality. So that that would be the thing I'd want people to walk away from and that the soma, the body takes time. Hmm. Right, in our in our instant gratification society, we expect things to happen right away overnight snap of the finger, we should be able to swipe up the screen and get what we want. That's not how it works with the body, things take time. So when you're having sex take time, if you you know, do something three times as long. It just takes time for the body to open up to sink in to energetically feel safe to open up in that way, and you know things so you just go slower. And it might seem strange at first, but go more, you know, go more slowly. Listen to your body and have a positive dialogue with your body.

Unknown Speaker 40:39

Hmm. Love that. So how can people have more of you?

Unknown Speaker 40:45

Woof would love that you'd like to work with me I as I mentioned before, I help couples with intimacy and sexuality, inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom. And also, as I mentioned before, I'm very passionate about helping in particular women of color, to own their autonomy around sex, sexuality, their bodies. And if you're a mixed race couple, I also help couples understand what it's like to be with a person who is a person of color and how that can affect dynamics in the relationship, how that can affect dynamics in the bedroom. So if you'd like more information on that, check out my website. It's holistic Pema holistic, Mystic calm. And if you'd like to send me an email, send me an email at Hema, at Hey, my yoga calm. So that's htma@mayog.com. And we'd love to hear from you. And also to I'd like to talk about I have a radio show that I do every Friday night at 7pm pacific time in Santa Cruz at the local station k a CEO radio station, so you can listen to me on ks co.com or Friday nights at seven, the holistic mystic maybe even calling with a question because I do readings and coaching on on the air. Like how you get rid of power. That's how you get hold of me.

Unknown Speaker 42:07

I love that. And of course, all of the links that were discussed will be in the show notes. And so thank you so much for everything that you shared today. And now I've got more questions about I'd love to have you back again.

Unknown Speaker 42:27

I would love that. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 42:29

thank you. But for now, this is the better, the better sex podcast signing off. So we look forward to you joining us next time and please look in the notes to find any of the links and any of the things that we discussed today. Thank you so much. Thank you very

Transcribed by https://otter.ai