Finding Your Flow Through Pleasure ~ Lyuba Veneble
Born in rural Eastern Europe, sex coach Lyuba Venable was raised with the understanding that women were to be married off and sex was only for men to enjoy. She lived by these rules... until a chance encounter with a stranger transformed her idea of what sex could be - and who it could be for.
In this episode, sex coach Lyuba Venable shares her compelling journey from a subservient wife to a multidisciplinary sex coach - along with all of the orgies, orgasms, intimacy, and self-discovery in between!
Tune in to hear Lubya and I discuss:
Lubya's intense journey of discovering her own sexuality
the true nature of intimacy
overcoming limiting sexual beliefs
Tantra and the Chakra System
the role masturbation should play in your relationships
what you need to do for yourself first in order to have better sex
self-discovery and healing
sensual feasting
Connect with Lyuba:
Lyuba Venable is a coach, trainer and public speaker. Through her open and vulnerable speaking style, Lyuba leaves audiences inspired, open to honesty, and interested in new possibilities.
Having learned from Master Mantak Chia, Charles Muir, Somatica and the Human Awareness Institute, Lyuba marries multiple disciplines together in her online workshops. With topics ranging from sex communication to energetic orgasms, participants have a safe, confidential space to share, explore, and learn how to create a juicier sex life and a deeper connection with self.
TikTok: tiktok.com/@lyubabodylove
Events: https://beacons.ai/lyubabodylove
Connect with Deborah:
Website: https://www.deborahkat.com/
Email: deborahtantrakat@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.tantrakat
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TantraKat
In our commitment accessibility, we’d love to offer polished show notes to help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts.
What we can offer are these very imperfect show notes via the Otter.ai service. The transcription is far from perfect. But hopefully it’s close enough - even with the errors - to give those who aren’t able or inclined to learn from audio interviews a way to participate.
Hello, and welcome to the better sex podcast. I am your host Deborah Kat. And this is an unfiltered conversation about sex, about relationships and intimacy, all in the hopes of supporting your sexual exploration and your journey to better sex. Today, my guest is Luba Venable. And I am so excited that she is here with me today. She is a coach, a trainer, public speaker. And she has trained with some of the best master Mantak, chia Charles mirror, the somatic Institute and the human awareness Institute. Luba is a master at bringing together all sorts of techniques and tools in her online workshops, where she talks about everything from sexual communication to energetic orgasms. And, on that note, I'm going to let you know what I know about about her. So she and I connected in the somatic Institute training, where we were online together. And there's just something about, you know, you look across all of the different boxes, and there's a couple of faces that just the just shine out at you. And her face and her box was one of them. And then I was fortunate enough to get to do some work with her. And I was really impressed with just the way she was able to hold that sweet, empathetic space, and just really drop into her feminine to be able to hold the flow. So I'm curious Luba, how, what's your story? How did you get here?
Unknown Speaker 2:17
Thank you, Deborah. This is such a beautiful introduction I've just been in the flow with you. And how I got here. It's it's an interesting story. Because I grew up in Ukraine, it's post Soviet Union. And no one was talking about sex, not only talking about it, it didn't exist. Like, seriously, like, people believed that sex didn't exist. And I was waiting for, you know, like, when I meet this, like the right person, and then the magic will happen, and something amazing will be happening. So I was waiting for that first night with a special person. And so I was keeping my virginity till I turned 20 years old. And then I met the person I fell in love, and we had that first sex experience. And it was just not pleasant at all, like, there was nothing good about it. And I ended up marrying that person. And we lived together. I was in this like, he wanted sex all the time. I didn't like it wasn't fun at all. And I created the story in my head that maybe sex is not for women. Because like here is man, he wants to have sex. And I just didn't sometimes I would go for it, but just like to give a price for him. You know, he was such a good husband today, let me give a price. And then and it was just you know, like, okay, like kind of set. And then later in my life, like closer to 30 years old when I came across all of these like Montek Qi and human awareness Institute. And just like recently Subotica learned about oh my god, like how sex can be enjoyable and how intimacy can come visit. And that was just like, wow, like, I was about to completely cancel it for me and not ever have it. And here I am just experiencing this beauty of sexual energy. And so that's that's something that you know, like, there is such a calling in me to, to talk about it to everyone that people of all ages can hear that. It's it's fine. Like, this is how you can make it fun. This is how you can connect with people. And that's the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing today teaching about sexual
Unknown Speaker 5:01
Wow, I love that story. And so it's it's definitely been a journey then from going from, you know, here is sex for my husband as kind of a prize or I have this image of like a sacred gift. Right? To go from that to really owning and enjoying and reveling in the sexual experience is quite a journey. I'm curious if there was like, when was there a high point or a moment where you realized or was it sort of more of a general?
Unknown Speaker 5:52
Hmm.
Unknown Speaker 5:55
So I sync for me, my, my ex husband, I just fell in love with him. He's an amazing person. We were not chemists, like our chemistry wasn't there. And that's again, somewhere, like no one ever talked to me. I didn't know this is the scene. Like, now I am questioning why people wait that they get married. In some cultures, it's still true that people get married. And then they have sex, because with some people were not compatible. And this is what what was, I believe, not only my first experience, which already turned off the whole joy, that experience was awful. But as well, we were not like the chemistry wasn't there for me. And so we already like it was a struggle, we already decided that we will separate. And he travelled to Amsterdam and had some, you know, like some the sex workers, just like you have like to have it with someone who's not just like putting it as a price for you, but with someone who like enjoys it. And then he came back from Amsterdam and brought me a vibrator. That was my first vibrator ever. And I still have it till till today.
Unknown Speaker 7:16
I just, I have this image anyway. So I so what you're saying is that you got married without really testing the waters and knowing what the chemistry was, and, and what the competitive the sexual compatibility was? And you kind of and it sounds like what you're saying is there was already this, this moving away from each other. And it didn't sound like sex. Was that great for your for your clear ex husband either?
Unknown Speaker 7:49
Yes, I strongly believe that when one partner is not enjoying, like, there is no way and as a partner can really enjoy. You know, it's just like, there is like it has to be the flow between people. It has to be connection, there has to be energy flowing. So he was getting some sense, but for sure, it wasn't a fun experience for him. Like he didn't have other choices. Like I was the only object like as a married man, he could have sex in post uni a post Soviet Union. Ukrainian live is me. So he was going for it. But I believe that it wasn't super fun for him either. And so for me, I went to a festival and I already know that, like knew that we are separating. So there was a guy that I didn't know him. And we went in a tent, and he started talking about energy, Samson Tantra at that time, I didn't know what Tantra is. And he's like, give me your hand and I will put my energy into your hand. And he started doing some sin. And I just felt so just like alive. And we had sex in that tent. And oh my god, it was so amazing. This this guy that I don't even remember his name. You know, that's when I realized that was my first you know, my first this like, Okay, so here you go. I can enjoy it. Just enjoyed it. Mm hmm. It was the eye opening.
Unknown Speaker 9:17
So you have this eye opening experience. And and then why?
Unknown Speaker 9:24
Yeah, and then I I started having this like, whoa, a call two years of craziness. Because imagine you live life with this idea that now sex is not for women, sex is not for me. And then I tried, like something that I really enjoyed. And I'm like, Oh, my God, sex is for me. And so then I am like, oh, I want I wanted to have sex like 24 hours per day. And so I've rented to this craziness where I participated in orgies re somes, went to different sex clubs had a lot of partners that you name it, whatever it is, you know, like, whatever is there, I tried it, because I was this like, you know, like a hungry hungry person who was on the leash. And then I just like whoa. Went into joy.
Unknown Speaker 10:24
Gosh, that sounds amazing. Curious, like, so you're having all of these different experiences? And I'm wondering like, was there something in particular that sort of woke you up to like, oh, this I mean, I hear that you had this other experience with your with a partner. But I'm curious like, because I know a big part of your journey is been like your own self expression and your own self pleasure. And I'm curious when you made the connection that, that you could have this for yourself, like, in your own body?
Unknown Speaker 11:07
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, this is, you know, this is a very good, this is a very good question. Because as I went through this, you know, like having different sexual experiences, something that there was sadness, I was waking up in the morning, that the intimacy wasn't there. At that time, I didn't know that sex and intimacy are two different scenes. I think subconsciously, I was seeking intimacy, going for sex, and thinking that it is there, but it wasn't. And that's when I moved to us at a joint human awareness Institute, where I learned the concept of like, Oh, my God, like intimacy is just like, that was what I was craving to be so close to a person to be like, vulnerable to be naked, emotionally and physically may be, but it doesn't have to be sexual. It's like, it's totally separate. But then when we put intimacy and sex together, then there is some beauty in it. And this is when I started exploring that. Okay. Like, how I can bring in, like, the intimacy and sexuality together. And first building this, you know, intimacy, this myself, just like, connection is myself knowing myself, learning what I like, what I don't like, like learning how to pleasure myself. What, what, what really what lubob wants, you know,
Unknown Speaker 12:52
reminds me that that song, what Lola wants literally gets what Luba wants to live against. So that's, I, I'm curious about, like, if you were to say there was like one, I know that there's like tons and tons of different techniques. But I'm curious, like, what if there is a if there's a practice for you that really started opening up this? I'm going to call it agency because that's what I use in my languaging around self pleasure and understanding how this mechanism this this instrument works.
Unknown Speaker 13:39
Mm hmm. Yeah, I sink for me before I went into this, so I'm just saying like several students coming up for me that I'm the one like when I had this like really Samson shooken me when I took a course led by Kim Anami and it's called How to be a well fucked woman.
Unknown Speaker 14:08
Ah,
Unknown Speaker 14:09
I love that that said Good. She's
Unknown Speaker 14:14
Yes, yes. And and so and I was like, hoping that she will teach how to you know, like, how to find that like, right man who can like fuck you really good. And the whole point was that like, you have to learn how to pleasure yourself. Like you have to become your best lover for yourself. Just like really have the best orgasms the best sex visit yourself. And then you can meet whatever lover like them, you can tell them how to pleasure you. And that was just like, wow, that was so big for me because, again, self blezard In masturbation is something that I learned early like when I was 12. But then my mom caught me. And she said, Don't do it. Like we didn't have a conversation. She just said, like, don't do it, whatever you were doing, don't do it. It's not good. And it was so pleasurable, I continue doing it. I couldn't stop. It's like, you know, like, when you're addicted to something like you, you understand, it's bad, but you're still doing it. So I was doing it. But every time I was self pleasuring, I felt so guilty, that I'm doing something so bad. But I just can't like I want that I crave it. So I still do it. And still today, I'm still processing. I'm still working on it every time when I self pleasure. There is this like, Oh, what if door opens up? Like, what if someone comes in, you know, there is like that fear on a deep, deep level, even like, my husband is at home, he knows that I love to masturbate, like, like, my mom is not here, you know, there is still that subconscious fear. And so, just to really let that go, and just to learn to own that, like, okay, like, this is my time, even though my husband, time this myself is very special. Like, I have, like, there is this belief that all people self pleasure, or like only who are like singles. But when you have a partner, then you don't masturbate? And it's like, no, when you have partner, many partners, you still must have obeyed because it's special time with myself.
Unknown Speaker 16:31
Right? And I love making that distinction. It's like, there's time with my partner. And there's time for me. And, and there's so many different qualities. Like this was a really, this was kind of an eye opener for me. It's like, there's so many different qualities to my orgasm, right? There's that like, Oh, I'm having a bad day, and I just need some stress relief. Yes. And then there's that more like, Ah, God, I just like, hot shower, clean sheets, smells good. You know, just, you know that that sensual feasting, and then there's kind of more of that, of that place where it's like, um, I don't know if you do this, but I know for me, I, I sometimes process my emotions through myself. Pleasure. Oh, this is so beautiful. You know, like, I can be really like, and it's different than stress release. Like, it's, it's more like, there's something going on with me that I can't quite tap into. And then as I start pleasuring myself, and you know, pleasuring myself can be like, starting at my throat, starting at my nipples, you know, on my belly. And then just as I start, as I start touching and playing, and just sort of noticing, like, oh, this part of my body is really tense. And now I know you were, you've studied quite a bit of Tantra. So you're familiar with kind of the chakra system. Mm hmm. And, and so I know, for me, you know, knowing what part of my body is tight will sometimes give me a clue as to what it is, you know, what it is that I'm feeling, essentially. Is that something that resonates with you?
Unknown Speaker 18:38
It does, it does. Yeah, it's just, it's, it's so powerful to connect. That, that like when pleasure goes into. Like, I believe that a lot of emotions stored inside vagina that like when I like most of my life, again, talking about orgasms, I had only clitoral orgasm. And then learning that there is internal orgasm, but even go in there. Like again for me. And so sadly, it's true for a lot of women that we allow since to go inside like penis deal though fingers before we ready. Like this, my ex husband that was so true for me that my my vagina wasn't ready for penetration. But I just like I would go for it because I have a good wife because I feel like I had to do it. And so the body is very smart. It learns to numb right like that. And so it becomes numb. So took me a lot of time to actually anom you know, to just like to, to, to the point like you know, apologize that, like nothing ever will go before you want it like before my before my Poussey my, my vulva, my vagina ready for anything to be there that like, NASA will go inside. And for a while it wasn't true. So those like, I believe that that's how I like it like, it gets numb as well emotions like Samsung VR hurt restoring it in the body and restore it in the vagina. So just go in, like when I self pleasure, and I don't feel like oh, like I have to get orgasm. It's just like you were describing just like finding those places. And just like really doing this deep tissue inside and find in areas that at some point, it's just like, oh my god, it feels like maybe a little uncomfortable. And then like there is warms, and then tears come up, you know, and like some memories come up. And that's just like part of the self healing that How touching myself inside just like touching my sacred area that I can release emotions and then feel pleasant just from that.
Unknown Speaker 21:12
Okay, good. Now, I know that you that your, that your practice is primarily with women, and teaching women and I'd love to hear hear more about what you're doing there.
Unknown Speaker 21:29
Yeah, yeah, it's interesting that this is how I created I wanted to teach about sexuality. Like, that's one day, I felt so strongly that I learned so much. I'm just like, you know, for myself, and then I felt like, Okay, I wanted to share, I want to bring it out. And then I thought that like, okay, the easiest way is because I am a woman I can share with women because I learned all of this for myself. Like I wasn't expecting that I will teach one day. So I found for myself, what if I share it with my sisters. And that's how I created Buddy Love for women course, it's an online course. And we get together and you know, like when it's all women, only women getting together. And then like, I start with talking about my stories like very openly vulnerably sometimes I have tears, you know, as I talk about stuff. And that helps like women just resonate with a lot of sense. And then they share about themselves. And we talk about different like libido, like the body like body image or Gazans sex toys, you know, just like different different topics, we just bring them on the table, like every call, we have a dedicated topic, and then just share, you know, women sharing, visit each other, there is such a magic, there is something so powerful, like every course has like the same material. But it's different. It's so different for me. And I learn, I keep learning about like what women are sharing that every woman is so unique. And at the same time, there are those points where we connect. And a lot of times we are sinking. It's only me, I'm struggling with this and like no one else has this problem. And then there is something so beautiful happens when I speak about this. And hands go up like there are other women who experience exactly the same stuff. And it's like, wow, I'm I'm normal. Like, I'm not alone in this, like there are like there are women, it just no one talks about this stuff that everyone is having great sex. Like, right?
Unknown Speaker 23:57
It's so um, it's so interesting. You know, so much of my practice, is often just what you're talking about is, is helping people understand that their normal, that their desires are normal, because you know, we have such a skewed story of what sex looks like in this in this culture. But yeah, so I know we've been talking, you know that your work is primarily with women. But I'm curious if you had if you wanted to let men know one thing like what is one thing that's important for them to understand about women?
Unknown Speaker 24:46
Oh, yeah. And, you know, this is like, I love that you're asking this question because a lot of times we will have some very, like very intimate, very deep conversation. And then someone says, oh my god If only men could hear us right now. But there is that, you know that like, wow, we would love for man to be able to hear it to understand that like, the scenes that we share only with women, but how wonderful it would be for men to hear. And even to the point that we are discussing with my partner, Sarah, to create something for men, you know, the art of be Invisible Woman share Yeah, well, we could bring in like all of these insights that we are working with women to bring them to man to like to open the secrets for men to like, you know, to, to know more and like to be able to be a better lover, because man really wanted that to be a better lover. So the one scene, I would say that women and again, I'm saying women, there are exceptions, so everyone decides for themselves, but what I keep running into that women take longer time to warm up. And this is something I didn't know about myself. That's a game that even when I wasn't married anymore, and I would I will have sex with someone just like, oh, we have hot evening. And then he's hard and ready. And I'm not there yet. But I was not allowing myself to take that extra time for you know, like more foreplay for more touch for more like whispering some compliments in my ear. And I would just go for penetration when, when my my vulva, my vagina is not ready. And so for men, just to know that, that that would be such a gift to that, if man would be able to slow down you know, to just go slower, and not rush into sins, just taking everything like extra slow, and more kisses, more touch more just staring in the eyes. Before go into genitals, just like being naked. Just imagine being naked. And then like a lot of men just go right touching your breasts or right going into your genitals. But it just feels so delicious. When they will touch you everywhere but not breasts yet, not genital.
Unknown Speaker 27:33
Oh. What I'm hearing you say is that you know, to to have better sex, if you're a male bodied person with a female bodied person. That one of the things is to slow down and to really allow your partner to open up. And then the other other thing that I be hearing there, which, which I thought was fun is that learn how to tease her.
Unknown Speaker 28:06
Oh, yes. Yes. And,
Unknown Speaker 28:11
and that like, so I'm just adding that in because that's that's where I'm going is I love that part where you're saying, you know, don't touch your breasts right away, like, you know, allow her to, to really in gorge and really being turned on before. Before you go there, so ah,
Unknown Speaker 28:37
yeah, because times. Yeah, a lot of times it feels too fast, like oof, like, oh, to first and then I feel like it will be so much better than like, Oh my god. Oh my god, I can't wait for him to touch my breasts, you know, just to have that hunger developed.
Unknown Speaker 29:01
Oh, my goodness, well, I I can easily talk to you and go even deeper. But I think that's a really good place to stop right now. So I just want to say thank you so much to my guest the lovely lube. And to let you know that her information is in the comments below or not the comments the show notes below that I heard there was an online class available and some for women and something in the works for men. Just to sum everything up. If there's one thing that you want somebody listening to us today to get to walk away with what might that be?
Unknown Speaker 29:55
Hmm.
Unknown Speaker 29:57
That the one scene that comes To me is intimacy, putting intimacy creating that intimacy connecting, and then going for sexual then going for sex that like to feel extra, you know, like better sex to feel extra connection, extra juice. And for people who are couples, that a lot of times intimacy was there and then something happened there is like a hedgehog who was like, that isn't that something wasn't spoken and there is hedgehog. And for people, the longer they together there are more hedgehogs to just really take time to clean those hedgehogs to, to speak to share to connect, and then sex goes deeper and juicy. That's what I'm, you know, realizing for myself, it just works like magic. Ah,
Unknown Speaker 30:55
hedgehogs are quite the image to walk away with. So, again, thank you so much. Thank you all for listening. This is your host Deborah, and you have been listening to better sex, unfiltered conversations. So I invite you to take a little taste of what it is we've had conversations with today. And incorporate them into your own love making your own play, whether it be with self or with other, or with many others. And on that note, we'll see you next time. Thanks so much for listening.
Unknown Speaker 31:44
Then Cadabra you're doing amazing work.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai