Embracing Dominance: A Journey through Kink and Femininity with Daytona Day
On this episode I sit down with professional Dominatrix and Coach, Daytona Day to dive into the world of Dominance & Submission (D/s). Hear how she got started in the world of fetish fashion which eventually led her to D/s and mentoring in that space. In discussing the exploration of D/s within the kink world, we look at the value of understanding both the dominant and submissive energies within yourself as a path to empowerment. Daytona brings us through the ins and outs of exploring dominant/submissive experiences including boundaries, role-play, kink psychology and living 24/7 in this lifestyle. Our conversation highlights the role of education, communication, and self-reflection in the kink journey and offers resources for those interested in exploring their own kinks and fetishes.
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Deborah [00:00:04]:
Welcome to the better sex podcast. My name is Deborah Kat and I am your shameless host. This is where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships and the many different ways to do relationships and to have sex. This show is for people who want to have better intersex on their terms. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part in creating a safe and sexy world, please subscribe, hit like and comment wherever you get your podcasts. It really makes a difference in getting the word out, so thank you so much for that part. And today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, who is known by many different names daytona, Delfina or Day or Mistress Daytona, or Donna Daytona, depending on where you meet her, is a coach and a professional dominatrix based in the Bay Area. She is a graduate of the Somatica Sex and Intimacy Relationship Coaching Program, has a Bachelor's of Science in Business Management from San Francisco, as well as a member of the Kink community for almost a decade. She is dedicated to creating spaces for people of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds to explore their kinky desires in a holistic, nonjudgmental creative and co collaborative environment. I'm so glad that you are here with me today, and I'm looking forward to diving into your world. But first, how did you get here? What's your story?
Daytona [00:02:05]:
Thank you for the introduction, Deborah. And my story is the long story short is I started off as a regular college student selling t shirts, and then a friend of mine says, hey, I think I have a place for you to check to probably bring those shirts. And I was like, cool. And he brought me to San Francisco, told me I was a photographer, and I remember coming to my first Kink party, and it was basically the rest is history. I would just come over and then help him out with setting up his photo booth. I'd talk to different people, be able to dress up, and then it basically changed the world for me. I got to see so many things that people, especially in my age range, weren't able to see. And really my journey towards becoming a dominatrix and this is something I usually tell people when they're starting off in Kink is it was a long like, I actually didn't realize or really own my dominant label until about, I would say almost seven, six or seven years later. But I knew that at that time I was interested in it, but I just allowed myself to be in the community and engage with people, learn about their kinks and learn about what the world had beyond really my Catholic upbringing.
Deborah [00:03:30]:
Got it. Thank you. So it sounds like you grew up with a rather traditional background, was introduced into the world of Kink, and then got to kind of look around until you found what fit you best. I know when I think about dominance, specifically female dominance, I have all sorts of different ideas of what that is. But I'm kind of curious, what does that mean to you?
Daytona [00:04:01]:
So this is kind of the basis of not even just like, my coaching, but really like my ethos, especially as a Dom. And it's that dominance. So everybody has both energies because at the end of the day, this is all energy work. My philosophy, and I'm super happy for anyone to be able to debate me on this, is that we have both dominant and submissive sides to us. Like, think of the Yin and the Yang, but then it's not even just like dominance is Yang and then submission is Yin. They're both expressed within the context of both the masculine and the feminine, the Yin and the Yang. We're able to express it in different ways and different stages of ourself. And one of the things that I've really latched onto is the fact that I'm a multifaceted person and really that we're all multifaceted people. So if someone asks me what my philosophy or my ethos in femme Dombing is, it's that I embrace the fact that I'm feminine first, but then I'm still dominant. And part of my expression is that I may not be, oh, hear me roar, or I am Dom. Hear me roar or I'm a domley. Dom. Or you might have heard this before, Deborah, where you have the one two Dom. And that was huge, especially in the beginning of my Dom journey. But then I realized that really, dominance is about owning yourself and really expressing who you are from your authenticity. And the funny thing is that even like submission or really your kink identity or your identity in general, it's a lot more fruitful. I would say you have a lot more of a dynamic and really beautiful experience when you acknowledge all of the different parts of yourself. Some people might be like, well, do you walk around with a submissive and a caller? And I'm like, I mean, yeah, if they want to. And then if I want to, it's because it's negotiated. But then at the end of the day, the foundation of all relationships is respect. It's respect, it's collaboration to some degree. There's a lot of love that has to be fostered. And then some people it's funny because when people think of dominance, too, I think they have this image of this hard Dom, but it's not exactly that way. Some people might say like, oh, but if you're nurturing, if you're more connective, if you're more on side, vin, you're the soft Dom. And I'm like, no, I think that we embody both sides because at the end of the day, and this might be a controversial take, it's that we come to these labels for a reason. And one of the things that I've taught actually is that we don't come to Kink because we're okay. But then that's good though, because I think that when we go through things in our life, what it does is that it acts as a catalyst for having us understand why we get there and how we get there. And then when I thought about my dominance journey, it was that well, there were so many different parts that I started to draw from. Like, for example, yes, like growing up Catholic, growing up traditionally Filipino, and a first generation immigrant. So with my dominant style, it becomes more so I imbue those different facets of myself. But then I've also imbued that in terms of even submission, and then playing with that energy within dominance and submission, where, for example, I think one of the experiences I would always recommend to beginning DOMS is attending DomCon, because you meet so many different personalities and so many different expressions of how people express whatever label they are. And it's funny because I think that the awesome thing about DS is that it's such a unique corner of kink. Like how being part of the Leather community is such a unique corner of the LGBTQ plus community that you have. For example, Dominance and Submissives are dominants who start office submissives, like they enter into houses and then they will be mentored under a dominant before they themselves become really kind of promoted into the dominant label.
Deborah [00:08:35]:
So I'm going to pause you there for just a second because I want to talk about a couple of things. First of all, use the acronym DS. And I just want to be really clear for people who are listening who may not know what DS stands for. So can you tell us what DS stands for?
Daytona [00:08:54]:
Oh, yeah. So it stands for dominance. And see, it's funny because I say it's such a unique corner of kink because when people first think Kink and BDSM, they're like, well, whips right and tying people up. And I'm like I mean, it's not necessarily that. It's like when you really think about DS, it's really about who's in charge and who's following. That's what it comes down to. And this is controversial. When people think of Ms, like Master Slave, it's like at the end of the day, it's again, who's in charge and then who's following. And then the terms of the play are going to be decided by the people involved in the said.
Deborah [00:09:37]:
Absolutely, yeah. And just so folks listening know what we're talking about. BDSM is the acronym bondage discipline. Submission. Masochism. And you've got kind of three different little things there. You've got BD, bondage and discipline. You've got DS, Dominance and Submission, which know what Dave was talking about, leaders and followers and then SM sadomasochism. And today's conversation is going to be mostly about DS and the different facets of DS. The other thing that you mentioned that I thought was great was you were talking about houses. And that is a very old school version of how you join the BDSM or the Kink community or old guard.
Daytona [00:10:34]:
Old guard is the proper old guard.
Deborah [00:10:37]:
Exactly. And it used to be back in the day before the Internet, you were introduced into the community by somebody that you knew and or you might find something in the back of the free newspapers, the Guardian, the old school. And there was a hierarchy. Like you would come in and you would experience being submissive or in the following position, and you'd have a mentor. And then that became either you would graduate if that was where your personality went, or you would stay more in the submission place in the following position. And it sounds like you actually had that kind of experience. Is that accurate?
Daytona [00:11:42]:
So I had that kind of experience, but then I would say in the most non traditional way, because you're right, the age of the Internet really changed. Like, even people like finding BDSM on TikTok, it's so different than even we're just on Mozilla Firefox and then we find know, then then we get into it. And for me, it was really through people. And it's funny because one of the things I would say, especially for people who are meeting people in this lifestyle, there is such thing as what's a good dom and then what's a not so good dom. And I think a big part of it is being able to experience the things that you inflict on people, especially because what that does is that it develops your empathy, right? Ask me, they'll say, well, what was your submissive experience? I was like, Well, I really think about my entire life, like the entirety of my life. I was born basically an Asian woman, and we're taught from an early age to be submissive to men. And it's nothing, it's nothing different. Like, not even just submissive to men, submissive to our families, submissive to our culture. But then I would say my journey into becoming a dom, it was kind of like the universe conspired to tell me, okay, this is where you're going to be. And then every time I was like, okay, I think I'm ready to step away, it was like, well, no, it's like there's this other experience for you to continue to learn and grow and then see how deep and rich this label and this culture is. So for me, I think about like six or seven years, my friends had been going to Munches, they'd been going to conventions, and I hadn't I'd just gone to parties. And then I came back after being in a long term relationship, and I was like, I think I actually want to explore the dominance label like I wanted to do when I was 19. And now I'm around 24, 25, and I'm ready to actually try it out. And I remember meeting someone at a convention. So I went to Dark Odyssey in San Jose. And then I just put it out there. I said yeah. I'm learning about dominance. I want to explore that side of myself. And then I met someone who ended up teaching me and telling know, I'm actually open to mentoring you. And I think it was really interesting because it was almost like a growth spurt that happened in a year that would have happened over the course of several years. Because then after that, I remember I meet the first man who wants to sub for me. And I know that for the right reason. I know that many in our community, in the Kink community, hate 50 Shades of gray, but I kind of had that 50 Shades of gray moment. But instead of this guy saying, well, I want to do all these things to you and you have signed a contract, he was like, well, no, I want to turn my loft into a dungeon. I want to buy everything that you need in order for you to become a successful pro dom. And then I want you to have the contract with me because it's super hot and this is a lifestyle I want to practice 24/7. So I was like, there was no kitty pool for me, it was be it 24/7 dominatrix. And then I had a mentor who was with me every other day, if not every day, to basically be like, okay, let's learn this, let's learn this. Let's learn what the protocol should be once he comes home to you, what the protocol should be if you are going to bed. And it taught me a lot because I was like, first of all, I cannot entertain a 24/7 Dynamic, but I.
Deborah [00:15:36]:
Think that I just want to pause and say, for those listening to us, what does a 24/7 Dynamic look like?
Daytona [00:15:46]:
So let's say it like this. The thing about dominance and submission and then Kink and play is it's play. You're entering into a role play, basically. And for some people, that role play could be like, oh, we're just going to have it for a couple of hours or maybe for the hour, and you're my dominant and I'm your submissive. And then there are some people who are like, no, I want to live this as my lifestyle. I want someone to take control of what I wear, what I eat. We have a ritual to establish that you are above me, and basically I am below you. And I think it's really beautiful, actually, because some people just know this is the kind of lifestyle I want to pursue. And then for me, I realized, I think the capacity at which I felt the most comfortable being a dominant was being, first of all, really a community dom where I'm a resource, especially in terms of education for people that do want to delve into this lifestyle. And then really, I see myself as someone now who is able to say, well, do you just want a DS dynamic just for kinky sex or just for actual just play play being like it doesn't have to involve sex? Or do you want something where you have a 24/7 dynamic? And then I could guide people to the resources that could help them in their journey for whatever they end up deciding. And I think a part of that and this is why I really emphasize introspection, the importance of introspection is realizing am I a dominant or submissive? Am I the type of dom that wants to have my submissive check in with me every morning at night and then to take orders from me before they make a move? Or am I the type of dom where it's like we'll check in once a week or once a month and then also think about, is this a lifestyle that I want to keep in terms of we're very public in a kinky context or are we people who only do this behind closed doors? There's a lot that goes into this. But I want to say what I'm.
Deborah [00:18:16]:
Really hearing is there's a range not only is there a range in how you identify and within that definition, there's a range of like, how do you act it out? And then there's a big range between I love what you said about is this something that is something that we do behind closed doors? Is it just around our sexual expression? Is it around our lifestyle expression? And what I love about the way you're talking about this is that none of these things are wrong. It's really what is authentic and true to the person that is experiencing this and what is true and authentic in that dynamic.
Daytona [00:19:10]:
Yes.
Deborah [00:19:12]:
And it's funny, as you were talking.
Daytona [00:19:13]:
About.
Deborah [00:19:16]:
Being a 24/7, anything is intense, right?
Daytona [00:19:21]:
Yeah.
Deborah [00:19:22]:
And I think I know for me, when I started back in the day, there was a real thing around like, well, there's real kingsters and then there's the posers.
Daytona [00:19:36]:
Wait. Can I stop you? It's that so that is who I learned from. I learned from the old guard. And this is, again, another controversial take. I actually think that people need to learn the old guard before they could be like, oh, this is the type of dom I am. And then you just accept that. I'm like, no, there's a reason why the rules do exist, but then you learn them so you could break them. Yeah.
Deborah [00:20:03]:
And just to be clear, when you say learn from the old guard, what you're talking about, at least I assume what you're talking about is learning all of the different positions, learning what it is to sub, learning what it is to be in the following position, to learn what it is to be in the leading position. And one of the things that I really learned as a sub was that I needed to learn how to lead myself, my mentor, my Dom was incredibly he was a military drill sergeant, so his precision was incredibly tight. And so that's not me, that's kind of cluttery. So I had to learn how to become more of my own personal Dom so that I could actually take care of my own space and then I could actually hold that space for others.
Daytona [00:21:12]:
Yeah.
Deborah [00:21:13]:
And on the other side of that, I think it's really important to be able as a Dom, to trust someone else, to learn that when you're following, you are trusting someone else to lead. And so having that ability to trust is really important because at a certain point, as a Dom, as a leader, you have to learn how to trust yourself.
Daytona [00:21:43]:
Yes.
Deborah [00:21:44]:
And so I just really have been kind of thinking a lot about and noticing a lot about like it's almost like you need to learn as a good Submissive, you need to learn how to be a good leader for yourself. And as a good leader, you actually need to learn how to do some following. Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about lately.
Daytona [00:22:08]:
Yeah. That's why I say both dominance and submissive energy exists in all of us. And then some of us just lean towards one side of the slash versus the other. And at the end of the day, even though, for example, with my Sub, we have a service relationship, so it means we're not dating, we're not having kinky sex. It's that we have a DS dynamic where I am his dominant. He will come to me to ask me things as minuscule as what should I wear to this party? Or I'm thinking about taking on this position. And one of the things that I tell people, especially if they're interested in exploring the dominant side, is at the end of the day, it's a management job. It's like, is this something that you want to practice in your life? And I think that when someone could answer that and then why they think that it's something that they lean towards, that's when I'm like, okay, so that means that, yeah, maybe you do lean on this side of the splash. Because I think that the other thing too, that people forget, especially in terms of these relationships, especially when there is really the upfront acknowledged hierarchy, it's that they're both symbiotic. The thing that I really love about my Submissive is that he will still anticipate, like, oh, actually I noticed that you weren't feeling well. Do you need something to drink? Do you need something to eat without me having to ask? And I think that that's where you really find that sweet spot in terms of these relationships, where it's like, yes, he's going to come to me for advice, he's going to come to me for direction on things and then to lead. But then at the same time, I know that because I also take into account his care and also not that he's just following me, but this is someone that I'm nurturing in my care that he's going to return the same thing. And I think that it's not the sexy thing. It's not the sexy thing to talk about when you talk about dominance and submission. But to me, I think that it's one of the things that makes it first of all, it makes it last, but then it also makes it a lot more I keep saying this word, but it does make the experience a lot more rich than something that's more surface level. Aside from the leather and then any of the flogging and the whips and the chains, at the end of the day, these are all still like relationships. But then at the same time, what we're doing is that we're ascribing specific jargon, specific tradition, specific rituals to make it dominance and submission or master enslave.
Deborah [00:24:58]:
I love that.
Daytona [00:25:00]:
Yeah.
Deborah [00:25:01]:
So in a moment I'm going to ask you a little bit more about that, but before we do, I want to take a quick break and share about how the Better Sex podcast is supported. As you may have been able to figure out, I care deeply about relationships and including the sexual and sensual part of it. And our culture sells us everything from beer to banking with sex. And yet there's only one version that we ever get to see and it may or may not fit the way we are, the way we like to have sex. Besides hosting the podcast, I'm a sex and relationship coach, helping people navigate these edgy subjects. One of the ways I do this is by hosting the Better Sex Membership. This is an online group that combines master classes to improve communication, morning mindfulness practices and Q A calls so that you can get your sexy and perhaps embarrassing questions answered and do it in a way that is in a group forum so you know you're not alone. All of this so that you can create a relationship infused with pleasure, depth and play. The podcast is a great first step to exploring what's possible and the membership is the support that turns great ideas into embodied knowledge. This membership is created to get you off the couch and into pleasure. So if you're listening to this podcast and wondering what your next step is, please check out the Better Sex Membership link in the show notes. So let's get back to you were just starting to talk about. Well, I'm going to take this in the direction of what are the sexy parts of Kink and BDSM? And I know you started to mention the fashion part and I know that's part of what you do in the world. So I'm curious if you can talk a little bit about the fetish fashion work you do.
Daytona [00:27:08]:
Yeah, so one of the things that really if I was going to sum my work up into one word, it's empowerment. One of the things that I say, I joke about it, but I joke to half truth. It's that we don't come to kink because we're okay. It's that something happens and you're like, well, how come just like regular sex doesn't just work out for me? And then I think that what kink and BDSM really does is it engages a part of yourself and really a part of your body in a way that it goes a lot like that's. Why there's such thing as psychological kink. As much as you have physical kink like shabari or flogging or any other types of impact play or corporal punishment. But I would say the thing that really got me into kink was the fashion. It was that my friend was a photographer. I would model for some of his shoots and then I would help people with setting up, especially at the parties. And then I realized I started working at a kink shop. And it's funny because it was the first kink shop that I shopped at at the beginning of my dominance journey. And then the more that I got to engage with people who would come in as customers, I started to realize it's like when they're choosing a harness or they're choosing a corset or they're choosing a mask, what it does is that it gets them into the headspace and I'm going to come back to that later. Headspace is so important in kink because you are playing with a different headspace. There's a science to kink. One of the things that people don't realize about Kink is that I am going to say this, it's almost like taking drugs, but then the drugs where it's kind of like when you're going raving. Because what it does is that you get this heightened sense of a dopamine kick or you might get a heightened sense of a serotonin kick by getting tied up or by experiencing being flogged or experiencing flogging. That's why people and people have certain fetishes. And really everything could be a fetish. That's why when people tell me like they're not kinky, I'm like, I don't believe you. I think there's a kink there. Don't be afraid to explore it. And really what I see myself as, especially as a pro dom, is that we're educators when we come into this role. We're educators because especially as a professional, I'm helping guide someone's experience. If I'm building a scene, I'm going to talk to them before the scene and I'll say, hey, does everything check out? Is this the safe word we want to use? Is this the feeling that you want to have at the end of the scene? Is this the aftercare that's appropriate for you? After we do this specific type of scene and then scenes could embody things from like yeah, I'm going to just do a basic taster. Like I'm going to flog them, I'm going to make them drink out of a bowl with their consent, of course. Or it could be like they want to feel like a baby for a day. And I realized that with engaging in Kink, some of them are going to be things that we don't understand. I would say the foundation of Kink and BDSM, it's things that people don't typically find sexual or find all that interesting, but then some people do. Some people find the sense of it deepens, their sense of intrigue to be able to have something. And I'm going to veer back to DS and say some people, and this isn't me, I think that this is a side of me that isn't so submissive. But for some people who identify within the submissive position, they love being told what to do. They love getting to do lists and being able to check off and then say, I was able to do this for my dom. And that's sometimes the hottest thing ever.
Deborah [00:31:16]:
Right. Well, I think this is actually where I think the Love languages come into play. I think if we look at the different Love languages, we can look at like, oh, this is how this might show up in Kink. Right. For instance, I personally am a very like, my Love language is acts of service. And as a submissive, nothing makes me happier than anticipating the needs of my dom before they've even had that thought.
Daytona [00:31:47]:
Yes.
Deborah [00:31:47]:
Right. And as a dom, my Mo, that's definitely a more nuanced and more flexible place that I like to play. But really, the act of leading is often an act of service. There. I wanted to actually go back for just a second because you kind of went through different aspects of BDSM really quickly and I just wanted to slow down and point them out. And I don't know if you've noticed this, but it seems like we're looking with the different aspects. Like, for instance, the psychological and psychological can be putting the parameters around getting your homework done.
Daytona [00:32:40]:
Yeah. Oh, my God. That's fine.
Deborah [00:32:44]:
There's a certain thing that somebody is looking for. Right. When we bring in the more physical or corporal aspect, there's a certain feeling that people are looking for. I often say that. I believe that people who are engaging in impact play, which can be corporal play spanking, what they're actually looking for is they're looking for an entryway back into their bodies.
Daytona [00:33:11]:
Yes.
Deborah [00:33:12]:
Really into feeling the sensual experience of being in their bodies. And then for people who like more of the restraint piece, like the shabari piece, my experience with that is they're really looking for a place of surrender. Right. I'm not a huge rope person, but what I know about it is at a certain point, you just got to give it up. You got to surrender because you're not going anywhere. And depending on how you negotiate the scene and I love that you said this, like, how do you want to feel. At the end of the scene when you actually sit back as a dom and go like, oh, okay. So the way that this person wants to feel is, let's say, released, right? They're coming in with a lot of tension. They're wanting a way out of the tension. So then it's like, oh, okay, well, this is one way to do that, this is another way to do that, this is another way to do that, and then really bringing in the design aspect of it. And I know this is something that you work with a lot, is designing the journey and specifically designing the journey around dominance. And I'm wondering if you'd like to talk a little bit about that process.
Daytona [00:34:33]:
Yeah, sorry, a call went through. Can you repeat the last part of your question?
Deborah [00:34:38]:
Yeah, absolutely. So I was just inviting you to talk a little bit about designing your.
Daytona [00:34:45]:
Oh, your dominance journey. Yeah. So I hosted an intensive my first one around designing your dominance journey, because I think that one of the things is the connotation of words. And when people think dominance, they think power. And then I realized that some people are coming to dominance because there's a psychology to all of this. There's a psychology to why someone might identify more with being a submissive. The first submissive that I had ran his own business while also being a tech millionaire. And a part of that was that he wanted to experience surrender through acts of service, right? And then people come to a place of dominance. Because more times than not, and I have my own theory about this, but from other DOMS I've engaged with, it's coming from that place of not always having been empowered. But then also being able to have a space to express it in a way that's healthy, that there are boundaries and that there's an actual hierarchy and communication around it. I think that really I think that's the beautiful thing about DS. It's that you're able to put a name to things. You're able to say, I'm on top, and then you are my follower. But that's because the person has surrendered their submission. I don't come into a space, and I'm like, I'm a Dom, therefore you must follow me. It's like, I'm still going to follow the same social respect of wherever I am. I'm not going to automatically step on people. I'm not going to demand respect. The thing about DS is that it's something that a submissive or someone who's looking for a dominant submits to, and they offer what they have in terms of, like, this is what I could do for you, because you have inspired me to be submissive to you. And then the person who is in the dominant position hopefully takes that respect into regard and then say, okay, because you have trusted me, because you have trusted me with these specific aspects of your life and creating this dynamic, it's that means that I am accountable for being able to lead our dynamic in X, Y and Z types of ways. And I think that really what I wanted to do with these intensives and then going into more of an educator role in the community is that I wanted people to be able to have not only the language and then the understanding over how to navigate being in DS or really embracing their role. But again, going back to the role of empowerment, like really having that empowerment to embrace what it is that they're identifying with. And really that comes from education. It's like someone could come to my intensive and they're like, you know what? I realize I'm not really a dom. I want to be more in the submissive position. And I'm like, that's amazing, that's super awesome. Because then now you realize that maybe your form of empowerment isn't going to be from the dominant side or the master side. Maybe it is more from the slave side or the submissive side. Really? I actually do have some levels to this because I also understand not everybody's coming to Kink for the culture of Kink. Some people might just want to be like, well, how do I embrace this inner power that I feel like I haven't had for a lot of my life? And I'll explain to them, this is how you can be as a dominant, but then this is also how you can be in terms of just creating the space for yourself to exist and really embracing the authenticity and then manifesting it in a way that is the healthiest and then the truest for you.
Deborah [00:39:03]:
Beautiful. This is such a rich conversation and I'm curious. So for people who are listening and let's say they're like, oh wow, this is amazing, I want to start doing this thing. So what's one thing somebody could do to start exploring their own empowerment? Do you have a suggestion?
Daytona [00:39:32]:
I have a lot of suggestions, but you gave me one, so I'm going to stick to the assignment. Honestly, I would say keep a journal, track your feelings and then know that whatever it is that you're experiencing is valid. And then in terms of expressing these parts of yourself, there are communities and I think that that's the beauty of the internet. I would say when people are starting off on their BDSM journey, I give them a list of resources. I'll say start off on, you know, look up some words that you feel like you identify with the most. And then I would say attend classes, join a discord for DOMS. I would say Alpha Academy is really great. I also run a discord for fetish fashion because sometimes that's the entryway for some people, it's that they buy their first harness and they don't realize, oh, there's actually a history to wearing harnesses or there's a history to wearing collars and there's a meaning to this. And with my community. We also have the educational aspect to it where it's like, yeah, you could wear a collar as a statement piece, but maybe you're wearing a day collar and then it has a locking buckle because you want to use that in terms of a certain level of protocol and you're actually playing without the rest of the public knowing. Or maybe you want to have a full on bondage collar and you want that to be thick enough so that you're able to have all these attachments to it when you're playing in the dungeon and it's a little bit more intense. So I would say, yeah, start off with Journaling and then explore your feelings, explore your body, explore the things that you want to or write down the things that you want to learn. And then start off with finding online communities that are safe, that also align with your values. Because I think that the big thing about introspection that we miss, not just as BDSM and Kink culture, but really as a society, is that it's really going back to basics and then really being grounded in, well, what do I feel and why do I feel it? What do I value and why? And then is this something that I want to hold on to? Or is this something that I want to change? Because then when you come out into the world, there are going to be a whole bunch of people who have their own values and then their own stance on things. And I think that when you come from a place where you're educating yourself and then you're bringing things to the table, but really the most important thing is yourself to the table. Then you could say, oh, I want to grow in this direction versus this direction. And then that's where you really have that discernment as you're out in the world, basically building up your identity, and then also know that your identity is dynamic. It's like maybe who you were like last year. Actually, it's not even a maybe you're going to be a different person like who you were last year than who you are the next year.
Deborah [00:42:50]:
So good. Well, this has been an amazing and dynamic conversation, and I am talking to day Mr. Daytona and where can people find you?
Daytona [00:43:06]:
So you could reach me on my website, with Love, But Neveryours.com. So it was actually my tagline. Whenever I would respond to people, they'd be like, oh, I want to worship you, mistress. And I'd be like, okay, well, send me a reference and then what it is that you're interested in. With love but never yours Mr. Saitona so it's WithLove. But neveryours.com. And then if you want to join the discord that I host around Fetish Fashion, go ahead and shoot me an email. It's here at WithLove, but neveryours.com. I'm also on Instagram. With love but never yours and then I'm also on Facebook too, and fat life. So fat life. It's mistress Daytona and then Facebook it's Daytona. Delphino. So basically, think of, like, Daytona 500 and then D-E-L-F-I-N-O-I love that.
Deborah [00:43:59]:
All right. And of course, all of those links will be in the show notes. Thank you again for being my guest here on the Better Sex podcast, and thank you all for listening. This has been a really rich conversation. And if you know someone who wants more empowerment and maybe even wants to explore BDSM or Kink, this is a great way to support the podcast and to help your friends get good information. So please share the podcast. It really helps to help us get the information out there to support empowerment in a way that is not always society doesn't always want us to be the empowered, sensual, sexual beings we yeah. Again. This is Deborah. Deborah Kat from the Better Sex podcast Best. And wherever you are, we invite you to have a better sex for a better world. Where is it? Oh, there it is.