Parenting Can Be Sexy with Iryna Sulim

In this episode I talk with Love, Sex & Relationship Coach Iryna Sulim who specializes in men’s empowerment and sexual mastery.  Hear Iryna’s journey into Tantra and sacred sexuality and how that has informed her relationships as she becomes a mother.  During this conversation, we talk about the dance of the polarities within everyday life of kids, partners and jobs.  Iryna shares with us the importance of deep inner self-knowledge and tells us some easy ways to reconnect to your sexy self to share with a partner.

Connect with Iryna

E-mail: info@irynasulim.com

Website: www.IrynaSulim.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iryna.sulim 

Got questions about sex and relationship? DeborahTantraKat@gmail.com

Better Sex Membership https://www.deborahkat.com/turnedon

FB https://www.facebook.com/deborah.tantrakat

Stay Connected Pillow Talk

In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.

Deborah [00:00:08]:

Welcome to the better sex podcast. My name is Deborah Kat and I am your shameless host. This is where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationship. This show is about the many different ways that sex and relationship can happen. And this podcast is for people who want to have better sex on their terms. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and safer world. If you want to do your part to create a sexy, safe world, please hit like subscribe and comment wherever you listen to your podcasts. Today we're going to dive into the world of Irina Saleem. She is a love, sex and relationship coach who specializes in men's empowerment and sexual mastery. She studied with various energy modalities, tantric, yoga, dominance of submission. She studied with leaders in the field like Layla Martin, Chris Bale, Sasha Cobra, Charles Muir and Om Rapani. She is on a mission to guide men into mastering the tools necessary for deeper, more powerful, more intimate and more pleasurable relationships with oneself and one's lover. I am so excited to have her here with me today. We have been dancing in similar communities for quite some time and I'm delighted to get to chance to sit down and get to know you better. So tell me, how did you get here?

iryna [00:01:54]:

Thank you so much, Deborah. What a lovely introduction. Well, it's been a journey of maybe now seven years. And my first glimpse into this world of tantra and sacred sexuality has been through my own personal experience. When I was I think I would describe it at the very bottom, got out of relationship where my partner was cheating on me and I was just like, oh my God, that was so heartbreaking. And I would never, ever allow I made a decision at the point, I would never, never allow for any man to break my heart in such a way. I should do everything possible to heal myself and to make sure that it's never going to happen. And so that was just like a very ambitious desire at the point. And then I somehow got introduced to the very first tantric workshop and I went there it was in La. And I went and I was just like, whoa. My whole world was blown away. What's possible? And I kept being on that path. There was this inner knowing or inner real desire that I always had, that there is something always more, something more to sex than just the way we have sex. It needs to be deeper, there needs to be something cosmic. Like my body would be saying to me, something magical need to happen when people have sex, not just this simple body movements. And so I was just following that inner guidance and kept going to workshop after workshop, training after training, teacher after teacher, primarily in Tantric and Tao world. And eventually it brought me to a point where I had to do the deep healing on my own sexuality. And I was one of those women who were very in my head and very much not attuned to feeling. That's how I was growing up, almost, like, raised as a boy, like, be competitive and strive to reach the goal. Don't really feel your body. When I had sex with my multiple partners, it was unconscious sex. It was always hard and fast penetration. It was more like transactional and all these unconscious things. Yeah, I had to do some fair share of healing, and I had to also do some fair share of healing on how I treat men and how I relate to men and how I see men. And that was also a big journey for me. And how I actually arrived to working with men and supporting men on the journey of sexuality was more of I don't know, I would say, like a deeper karmic path for me that I had to do this work. I had to support men. I had to open up my space to support men in helping them become more embodied and more, like, connected to the power which is their sexuality. And because in our day and age we do not have that many spaces to support men in that way. In general, we don't really talk so openly about sexuality for men and women, but for men specifically, men get so lonely because it's a very vulnerable piece aspect of their lives to talk about not being judged and not being ridiculed. And so I've worked with teachers who helped me to get to a place of where I could actually gain experience and understanding men's body. And I started offering my coaching, and I've learned so much about what men are going through, and I got.

Deborah [00:07:35]:

So.

iryna [00:07:36]:

Much compassion because I wasn't the way before. I was just like, men are different and they're weird and they have to be strong all the time, and they have to perform for us women. I was very deeply conditioned, and now I see men totally differently. I love how men are so pure in their desire to want to please us, to want to please a woman. And I don't discount the fact that there are other men who are acting totally differently, the opposite. But I happen to meet men on my journey who are my clients and who are my also friends, male friends and partners who are like, we want to know how to love you better. Tell us honestly how to love you better, how to please you. We want to be good for you. And so that actually the pure desire drove me to do what I do. And I also do that for not only just for men, but I also do that for my sisters. Because I know that a good man, a masterful man who is sexually powerful and open in his heart and very connected to his body, can help heal a woman bring her to a place of softness. So I do stand, I am a big stand for sacred union and that is probably the biggest underlining current and mission of mine.

Deborah [00:09:40]:

I love that. That's so good. And I know on your website you have a lovely video talking about supporting men and about your journey towards it. And one of the things I really loved about that was talking about the idea that there's a lot of teachers out there, but not all teachers have a feminine perspective. And it seems like oftentimes, as you were saying earlier, getting people out of their heads and into their bodies is a big part of that and giving the kind of reflection of, like, oh, in your company, this is how I feel from a feminine perspective, is a really powerful and important ingredient in, I think, the journey of supporting men. I was just really appreciative of that and I'm kind of curious. I know that you were saying that you work with men and you're also working with couples and I'm curious if there's anything in particular that you're seeing in your practice that's standing out for you these days.

iryna [00:11:07]:

Great question. Lately and it's probably have been for a while now. I've been working with men who are in relationship predominantly and who have been in relationship for a long time and they sort of lost their edge or they lost their connection. They lost this passion that they had in the beginning between their partners. And it happens to be so that men kind of what's the best way to describe it? I would probably say that polarity is sort of shift, like not shifted, but it's no longer there. For a very powerful, sexual, passionate connection, the couple would need polarity to be there. So there's attraction, a very strong attraction. And when you are in a relationship for a very long time, things are very familiar. You do things together all the time. Kids are also there and so people tend to get less sexy time and more maybe more comfortable with each other. And so I've been seeing that women would, that's what the man I work with would come to me and describe that women are wearing their heads and they are overworking and they're running the household and they're dealing with kids all the time and they're tired when it comes to intimacy. And so they want to know what's the best way to bring their women into this place of pleasure and receptivity and openness and all the things. And so we just go into a place where I'm just offering them various perspectives and how can a man step up and show up and give himself as more of a leader to the relationship and be there? More of a person for a woman to really rely on and trust that the things that she wants him to take care of, be taken care of. And that eventually translates into the bedroom. So that is the piece that I've been seeing a lot with my clients that they come to me for. Most men who come to me for they just want to have more sex and more frequent sex and have their women be satisfied and pleased. Not from a place of a duty. When a woman's like, okay, I'm going to have sex with you because you're my husband and I have to. But from a place of true pleasure that comes from her. How do I do this? How do I help her? Because I want that for her so badly. Because that ultimately is that radiance of a woman that translates onto a man and it just feeds him too.

Deborah [00:15:00]:

Yeah, got it.

iryna [00:15:01]:

I love that.

Deborah [00:15:03]:

So I want to pause really quick and ask you, so the word polarity gets used a lot, and I just want to be really clear on how you're using the word polarity. So when you say that, what do you mean by polarity when you use the word?

iryna [00:15:23]:

Well, when I say polarity, I mean more like it is used in plus and minus. There is two different poles, feminine and masculine. And when it comes to day to day interaction, polarity always shifts and changes. A woman can be plus and a man can be minus. A woman can be a giver. Man can be a receiver. It's just a constant dance. And that's totally fine. Especially in the family, right? Like when there is a relationship in the family and kids involved and things like that, it's impossible for a man to always hold the plus and for a woman to always hold the minus. It's unrealistic what I tend to experience myself in my own relationship.

Deborah [00:16:31]:

I'm really glad to hear you say that because it's like sometimes I feel like a lot of the teachings we get is like, you're always in your masculine or you're always in your feminine. So I really appreciate you talking about the reality that we do have different things that we do in our day need different energies. And the energy of the feminine is really different than the energy of the masculine. But one of the things that I like to point out is that for a long time it used to be, well, nurturing is the feminine and it's like, well, no, daddy energy is really nurturing and it is really different than mommy energy. And both of them have that quality, but there's something underneath it that just feels really different. And I like the idea of the plus and the minus or the positive negative poles.

iryna [00:17:36]:

Yeah. And I'm a practitioner. Right? However, I feel it is in my own life. That's what I try to investigate and go deeper into and then teach from that perspective. And also when people come to me and they say, I want a passionate relationship, I want that. And I'm like, okay, well, in the bedroom, meaning passionate sexual connection in the bedroom. You have to actually surrender to your man and be in your receptivity. And how can you achieve that as a woman and then you as a man? What are the things you do that help you to get to a place of that strong, masculine, or like, very masculine man and a very feminine woman? Because that is what you desire is if you desire just loving, soft, gentle, kind of like slow sex that maybe then polarity is not there as much. There's something else that's present. And it's so unique for every couple, for every individual, for the union within itself. They are so very much constructed differently. You can't really prescribe one recipe to everybody. There's a customized approach to every single individual I work with and to every union I support as well in my own relationship. For example, I've recently become a mom. I have a wife.

Deborah [00:19:37]:

Congratulations.

iryna [00:19:39]:

Thank you. One and a half year old son. And that was hell of a journey for me. And I was supported by my husband all the way through. He still can do everything that I can do for our son other than breastfeed. And that's so good for me because I don't have my family here. So he can be a nurturing father. He can change a diaper and put him to sleep, and King can be all of those things. And it's been really helpful for me, and I know a lot of men cannot be that way, and there's no judgment for either of that. And at the same time, what I wanted to go into is that I forgot being a mom. I really got with all my head into being a mom, which is a very dominant role to be in. And I because my hormones changed and the energy is so different, I needed someone like him to actually grab me and say, hey, Irina, chill, take a breather, get into your practice, your pleasure practice. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. I know that this is something that I need to do, but I also need to be reminded that that is essential part of my life that I would like support in. And so just a reminder was very helpful. Or him join me a bath. And it's like, okay, I just drew a bath. Go take a bath, relax. And then that kind of openness me having his support of a little bit of like, okay, go back to your woman. You have to go back to your woman slowly, gradually, not immediately. You have to go back to where you were before you got pregnant and became a mom. No, but slowly you are reinventing a different archetype of a woman. And I was like, great. And now slowly, greatly slowly, I am also recognizing the fact that I need to take responsibility for my pleasure, for my space, for my softness, my receptivity, my openness. And so I create experiences for myself as a woman to hang out with my girlfriends that nourish me a lot. Or just go and take that yoga class that I really love doing, doing something for my body, or dancing. And when I get filled up and my partner knows this very well. He knows this when he gives me the time, when he watches the kid, when I'm not 100% with the kid all the time, he then sees who I am becoming, how much energy I have, how radiant I become, how grateful, how all in my heart, all very bubbly and joyous. And he's like, oh, I have to give her more time to do that. And when I come back that way, he sees me and he wants to ravish me.

Deborah [00:23:28]:

Just like that?

iryna [00:23:30]:

Just like that. Yeah. He doesn't need me to say anything to him. I'm a coach. I used to be saying things like, well, we need to do these practices. We need to schedule time. And he wouldn't do it. So all I need to do is just to switch, change, get into my pleasure. He sees the energy, he reacts immediately to it, and he wants to have intimacy with me.

Deborah [00:24:00]:

So I want to highlight a couple of things here. So first of all, it sounds like your husband is actually kind of leading in a way that doesn't necessarily look like leadership, because he's basically taking your child and giving you space and sort of saying, okay, go do your practices. So that's definitely a form of leadership there. And then that gives you the space to come into your own practices, to, as you said, fill up, reconnect with your pleasure, which makes you a happier being, which allows you to be more radiant. And when you come home, when you guys reconnect, then you have more of that polarity that you were talking about earlier. And so I think that's a really I just want to underscore that what I'm really hearing is part of you being supported in you coming back into your more radiant, feminine visage is having the space and having the encouragement. And I think that's a really important thing, especially for women, is it's like we don't permission is a huge thing my partner likes to say to me when I get particularly grumpy, he sends me off to the pool because I'm just a better person after I've gone to the pool. But it's really interesting that I will be thinking, oh, I need to do this, I need to do this. But he'll actually step in and say, babe, you need to do this. And all of a sudden, it's like, oh, not only do I have permission, or not only do I have encouragement, but I also have permission. There's a little part of me that as a sex coach and all these other things, it's like I shouldn't need permission from the outside. And it's like, well, reality is like, yeah, we actually do. And what I really want to underscore there is, as you were talking about the flow between couples and really holding the union as sacred and each person doing their part to hold that union. And I'm going to just put some words in your mouth here, but it really sounds like part of that is both people taking care of themselves is taking care of the union. Would you say that's accurate?

iryna [00:26:45]:

Absolutely, yes. Being new young parents is very taxing and we have been under resourced a great deal and underslept and he's been working hard trying to provide and that's a new role for him too. So we learned with having a child that it's crucial to make sure that you are having the basics for yourself to be taken care of, plus then having a space, a scheduled space to do more like pleasure practices, like things that your inner child enjoys the play. So you can then get filled up individually and coming together to spend time together. You can be not needing another person to give you all the time, but in a place of like, okay, I'm resourced and I can be present here with you and give to our union what it deserves time and attention and energy.

Deborah [00:28:15]:

Beautiful. In a moment I'm going to ask you if you have some tips, some resources to support people in doing just that, in being more resourced. But before that, I want to take a quick break and share a bit about how the Better Sex podcast is supported. You might be able to figure out by these conversations that I care deeply about relationships, including the sexual and sensual parts. So our culture kind of sells us everything from beer to banking with sex and yet we only ever see one version of it and it doesn't look like Polarity, or maybe it does, but it may not look like what works for us. Besides hosting the podcast. I'm a sex and relationship coach, helping people to navigate the edgy subjects of love, sex, relationship and doing it on their terms. One of the ways I do this is by hosting the Better Sex Membership. This is an online group that combines master classes to improve communication, morning mindfulness practices and Q A calls so that you can get your sexy and perhaps embarrassing questions answered, and a group forum so that you know that you're not alone. All of this so that you can create a relationship infused with pleasure, depth and play. The podcast is a great first step in exploring what's possible. The membership is the support to turn great ideas into embodied knowledge. So if you're interested, please check out the link for the Better Sex Membership in the show. Notes and I'm curious, what kinds of practices do you and resources do you suggest people use?

iryna [00:30:20]:

Well, for myself or even for men? For women? For both. For both.

Deborah [00:30:28]:

If you've got tips for both that's awesome.

iryna [00:30:32]:

Um, yeah. So I do have for myself as a woman a thing I go to is I love taking bath. And that's probably the best thing that actually brings me back into my body. And it can be just 1015 minutes, not long at all, and can be really hot water that I really love, that really helps me to connect to the sensations in my body when I'm too much in my head. Other things that I enjoy is the pleasure breath work that I do after or just as a standalone practice in the morning that recharges me and gives me more of this energy that I desire for the day. And that's like very simple things. And one could go deeper into the whole self pleasure set up if desired. I love what helps me also to bring myself back into my feminine is walks in the nature, connecting to my girlfriends and spending time with them, eating some really delightful food that brings me pleasure. I noticed that once I became a mother, just simple practices that I give myself space to be doing nothing, just be I don't have to plan anything. I don't have to even plan a meditation or plan that self pleasure. I have a space of an hour. How can I just be there with my thoughts, my music? Maybe I choose to dance after that. Maybe I choose to breathe after that. Maybe I choose something else that was a powerful thing for me. You don't need to really recreate anything super complicated. Just being is what works. And I don't think we as women, especially as women, spend enough time in being. We're so used to like do from one thing to another, one thing to another, one thing to another, just like stopping and doing nothing, that gives just a bunch of what you need. And for men, for my male clients, for them to step into a place of more feeling, more potent and powerful, and also have their younger self taken care of as connecting to their man, spending time with their men friends, male friends. So for men, I usually recommend depends on who I'm talking to. Sometimes some men need more Yang practices so that is more active, more exercise, something just like that, evokes their primal energy, working out or really going to a boxing class or some kind of practice like that. For some men who are more on that other spectrum of Yang, they need to connect to their ying energy, right? And nourish that part of themselves, because that's the part that they expect a woman would do for them. And so how they can nourish themselves in that way. Self pleasure is a great resource. And I do share with them my recordings where they do this holistic self pleasure or similar like taking a bath, even though it's probably in society considered to be like a feminine practice, men can do that too and just go deeper into themselves and feel what's been unfelt. If they feel resentful or feel angry or feel something like that, how can you just allow the space to feel all of that? Breathworks are great resources as well. Meditations are great resources to tap into. Yeah, got it.

Deborah [00:35:48]:

Thank you. So it sounds like really giving space for yourself to feel is important to hone both of the poles there. So I'm curious, what kind of work are you doing with people these days and how can people find you?

iryna [00:36:12]:

Yeah, I mostly work with men, and I have a few couples, one on one. That's my very much preferred way of working with people, because I find that people come to me and I don't have a specific framework. I do have sort of like a line of thing that I help people with, but it's always the approach is very customized to each person and how you can find me. It's my website, www.irinasulim.com. It's Instagram, but I'm less present on social media these days, so it's more like my website. And that's how you can get in touch with me, by booking my free 30 minutes connection call. That's like, if you really feel resonance, that's the sure way of speaking with me about how I can support you in your sex life.

Deborah [00:37:22]:

Beautiful. Thank you. I have been talking with Irina Saleem, and I'm so excited that you actually get to have this conversation and really honored. I know that being a mom has brought a lot of changes on, and I'm so grateful that you've been willing to share your personal journey, and it's been really inspiring in terms of really diving into those places. And so please follow her on social media. Well, actually, please check out her website, which will be in the show notes. And on that note, I just want to thank you all for joining us for this really lovely conversation. Really juicy and lots of tips. And again, thank you so much for supporting the Better Sex podcast. And again, if you want to make a safer world and a sexy world, please hit like, subscribe comment wherever you get your podcast shows. And on that note, thank you again, my guest.

iryna [00:38:41]:

Thank you, Deborah. Thank you so much. It was a pleasure being here. Thank you. Appreciate that.

Deborah [00:38:47]:

And we'll see you next time.

iryna [00:38:49]:

Bye. I fifth.