Living a BDSM Life with Alesandra Madison
In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I talk with BDSM educator and creator of Dom Sub Living, Alesandra Madison. We delve into the dynamic world of Dom/Sub relationships, exploring how BDSM can be both healing and beneficial for partnership.
Alesandra shares a bit of her journey into BDSM as a lifestyle, giving us some invaluable insights into the importance of open communication, mutual respect, and regular check-ins in maintaining healthy relationships. We talk about different styles of BDSM partnership, safety, finding partners, kink in modern culture and how to get started with BDSM.
We also discuss the challenges of balancing a BDSM lifestyle with everyday responsibilities like family and finance. Alesandra tells about the importance of self-care rituals to stay aligned with one's role and gives us a glimpse into some of her personal practices. This conversation is chock full of tips and tidbits from talking to the kids about what they might discover to finding a BDSM partner and everything in between.
Plus, Alesandra gives us a ton of resources from her free library on DomsubLiving.com, and gives us a sneak hint at her upcoming four-day challenge. Don't miss this enlightening conversation filled with practical advice and heartfelt stories to help you navigate your BDSM journey.
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In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Deborah [00:00:00]:
That I remember that it's done. All right, so let's go ahead. Take a deep breath in. Welcome to the Better Sex Podcast. My name is Deborah Cat, and I am your shameless host. This is the Better Sex Podcast, where we have unfiltered conversations about the many possibilities of sex and relationships so that you can figure out what works for you and have the sex and relationship on your terms. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part to create a safe and sexy world, please hit like, subscribe and leave a comment.
Deborah [00:00:50]:
Today we are diving into the world of my guest, Alessandra Madison. She is the creator of Dom Sub Living. Through online online training and mentorship, she helps new and experienced doms and subs live the BDSM lifestyle to the fullest. So I first became aware of her through her summit, Dom Sub Living Summit, which was really quite brilliant and had just so many good speakers, some great topics, and really centered around the BDSM lifestyle. And I'm so delighted that she's joining me here today. She's a new and exciting colleague, connection, and said, Levitt, can you go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about how you got here?
Alessandra Madison [00:01:46]:
Yeah. Well, first of all, I'm just so excited to be here. I'm so glad that you enjoyed the summit. We had so much fun at that summit, and so we're just so glad that so many people were able to take advantage of it. But as you said, my name is Alessandra Madison. I run Dom subliving.com and how I got here. It's kind of a long story, but I'll try to make it short. But basically, my husband and I were kinky, like, our whole relationship.
Alessandra Madison [00:02:21]:
Like, ever since we got married and were dating, we were always kinky. But we would do BDSM things, but not really call it BDSM or know that it was bdsm. But we started having a lot of issues in our relationship too. But we started seeing how, like, having, you know, the hot makeup sex and, you know, being all kinky afterwards, how. How that really actually helped things, but it wasn't getting to, like, the real root of the issues. So, long story short, we did a lot of therapy and counseling, but we really just saw how tapping into those dominant and submissive roles and taking kink out of the bedroom really benefited our lives and made our marriage a whole lot better. So we lived in San Francisco at the time. That's, like, the kink capital of the world.
Alessandra Madison [00:03:19]:
So we fully took advantage of everything we can get our hands on there and just really embrace the lifestyle, embrace the community. And then so it just became that more and more people were asking us questions. We started teaching more, and so it just made sense to start the website, and now it's just helping thousands of people, and we have, you know, courses and events, and so it just really took off from there.
Deborah [00:03:47]:
Beautiful. Thank you. So I'm curious if you would say a little bit more about, like, when you say BDSM lifestyle. What. What do you mean by that?
Alessandra Madison [00:03:59]:
So there's different ways to look at it. So. So everyone kind of knows what BDSM is like. It's like, so BDSM is kink, and it's technically, you know, bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadomasochism. And kink is just anything, really, that's outside of the vanilla spectrum, that, like, normal spectrum. So when we talk about it being a lifestyle, it's more being intentional about it and making it, like, a way of life and trying to put it into all aspects of our lives. So even though, like, obviously we're not doing kink all the time, we're not doing kink when we're at the grocery store and things like that, but it's still a part of our mindset and our identity. And so that's kind of how we like to look at it, that we're just making it more, like, holistic, basically.
Deborah [00:05:02]:
Beautiful. Thank you. So hearing you say that, I'm imagining you're talking about. So the dynamics, the power dynamics of dom sub, perhaps the ritual that comes with the protocols of BDSM and, you know, the. The accountability aspect of, you know, BDSM and the Dom sub experience. Is that accurate?
Alessandra Madison [00:05:29]:
Yeah, but I will say that, you know, because like you said, it is a power exchange, but sometimes where people get hung up as well. They think like, well, I can't live the lifestyle because I don't have a partner. Or, you know, it's. You know, they're single and they. Or, you know, a. Of times, you know, women will sometimes read fifty Shades of Gray, and they think they. They need to find their perfect Christian gray. But I really, you know, tell people that the lifestyle is about you and what you want out of it.
Alessandra Madison [00:06:04]:
So, you know, try to not make it so dependent on, you know, either having a partner or just having, you know, the best partner there is, but really just making it about your own identity. So, like, you know, I'm a submissive, and so I Try to be the best submissive I can be, you know, the best version of myself. So, you know, even though I have a partner, I'm still doing things to the best of my ability.
Deborah [00:06:32]:
Beautiful.
Alessandra Madison [00:06:33]:
Yeah.
Deborah [00:06:33]:
When you, When I hear you say that a million years ago, I heard Moena say something about protecting the property and taking really good care of it. And what I've always taken away from that and like you said, is being that best version of yourself, you know, being the. The most fit person, you know, person that I can be within my own. Within my own body. And, you know, how do I bring the disciplines that somebody else might, you know, in from the outside and have that happen from the inside out? And so I really appreciate that.
Alessandra Madison [00:07:17]:
Yeah, because that's. That's totally a good way to look at it is like, you know, I am my dom's property. And so I do, you know, try to take care of myself the best of my ability, you know, to respect my body, to nourish my body and do all those things, but also not just for him, but just, you know, honoring myself too and wanting to be that best version of myself. And he does the same thing too, you know, he wants to be the best version of himself as a dominant. So, you know, having a partner or not, that he is still dominant in his own life. And I think that's something, you know, a lot of dominants forget is, you know, they want a submissive, you know, so they can tell them what to do sexually and you make them their slave and do all these things, and they forget that they need to be dominant over themselves first and have, you know, that self discipline and that self control. And I think that's where a lot of relationships fall apart, honestly, is because, you know, each person isn't doing their part to make that solid foundation first.
Deborah [00:08:32]:
Yeah, absolutely. And I think it can be tricky when we get into situations where. Well, actually, before we go there, I'd love it if you could talk a little bit about the difference between, say, a 247 relationship and maybe a play partner relationship or a play relationship.
Alessandra Madison [00:08:53]:
Yeah. So, you know, whatever relationship you're in, there's typically, you know, those dominant submissive roles. And so they can even look like a master slave role, even things like, you know, a caregiver little role. So that's something like a daddy Dom or a little girl, you know, or even a brat and a brat tamer. So there's different ways you can label it because I know a lot of times people, you know, want to get the Right. Labels. Right. For them.
Alessandra Madison [00:09:23]:
But basically when we talk about, you know, part time or bedroom only, that is just, you know, doing kink and doing those dynamics in a scene. So. And even a scene doesn't have to involve sex, but it's just confining it to that, you know, BDSM scene. So. But when we go 247 or take it out of the bedroom, so then it becomes part of our everyday life. So. So even things like eating a meal can have, you know, a power dynamic there where, you know, maybe the submissive serves the meal and waits for their partner to start eating. Before they eat, they can wear things like, you know, a collar.
Alessandra Madison [00:10:06]:
Like, I'm wearing my. My collar now that I wear, you know, outside the bedroom. And so it's just ways of taking it into your daily life, you know, having, you know, rules and protocols. So when you're doing a scene, you may have a role where, like, the submissive, you know, can't touch the dominant without permission. But then outside the bedroom, you can have different roles too. Like, the submissive has to, you know, like, text their dominant, you know, within a certain time frame or make sure they, you know, eat a certain, you know, requirement of meals. You know, it can get as, like, creative and, you know, intricate as, you know, as is agreed upon, basically. And so, you know, that's why it's always good to have a contract, too.
Alessandra Madison [00:10:57]:
So, you know, we always want to make sure that everything is consenting because on the surface, you know, a lot of these things look abusive even. So we want to make sure that this is all negotiated. And so whether you're bedroom only, you're 24 7, that, you know, all of this is agreed upon.
Deborah [00:11:15]:
Thank you. Yeah. So I'm curious, like, if you were to think about some of the. Some of the things that you might want to include in, like, some of the things that definitely need to be included in a contract or a negotiation or a conversation about having. About having a really solid BDSM relationship. What would you. What would you want to include?
Alessandra Madison [00:11:46]:
Yeah, so I like what you said that, you know, whether it's a contract, you know, just a negotiation or just even a conversation that you do need to, you know, cover your bases. And so those would be things, like, so safe words. So, you know, when things get too intense or you're, you know, you or your partner is at their limit, you know, what's a word you can use to. To signal. To signal that. And then some other things are, you want to have, like, your hard and Soft limits. So these are things like things that you won't do or things that you maybe might do under certain conditions, just maybe other precautions. So if you have any like, allergies, like if you're allergic to latex or things like that, you, you need to have a conversation about that, obviously.
Alessandra Madison [00:12:38]:
And then just kind of two, like, what are some like, overall expectations you have for either that scene or that relationship and where you want it to go to and just kind of like what your titles you'd like to be. Like I said, if you want Master Slave or, you know, Daddy, Don, Little Girl. You know, some people are very particular about their titles and titles they won't use or words they won't use. And so those are all things you need to talk about. If punishments are on the table, what does that involve? So, yeah, I mean, a contract or even if you're discussing it, it can be as detailed and cover as much as you want or just be a little simple outline so you can definitely make it your own.
Deborah [00:13:32]:
Yeah, when you were talking, I was thinking about the, you know, the words that you don't want to hear as well as the words that you do want to hear. And it, because those kinds of things can really shut down the, the, the play as well. It's like, oh, so we're going to go in this d. This direction and there's these few things that are going to take me out.
Alessandra Madison [00:13:57]:
Yeah, well, definitely, because, I mean, you know, people have, you know, traumas too. So, you know, there may be things that, you know, can actually trigger people and, you know, put them in, you know, a mental health crisis even. And so, you know, we, we do really have to be careful, you know. So, yes, some things are just like turn offs, but for some other things, you know, it can be, you know, really, really important and sometimes even dangerous if it crosses that line.
Deborah [00:14:28]:
I'm curious how, how you guys started teaching together and like, what were some of the, some of the classes that you taught?
Alessandra Madison [00:14:37]:
So mostly, again, it was just like people informally asking us because we have two, we have two kids, so two young boys. And that seemed the thing that, like, people were the most curious about was how do you do this when you have children? You know, especially being 24, 7. And so that's, that's kind of what we started teaching about the most. You know, again, we were in San Francisco and so they have these things called munches, which is like an informal BDSM event. And so, you know, we would teach there and just talk to other People about how we were able to do this, even though, you know, we had kids at the time who were, you know, toddler, you know, age, and you know, then they grew up to be tweens and teens. But, you know, how have we been able to do this with them in the house? And then, you know, it's a little hard teaching skills as the submissive. So, you know, that was always like more my, my dom's area. But when we got the blog going, because I just loved, I just loved to write and so it was really nice to, to have an outlet for that.
Alessandra Madison [00:15:56]:
But that's when like, people really started asking questions and just wanting more information. And I was teaching the basics and it was interesting. I, I sent out a survey to my audience and asking them what their biggest struggle was in regards to living the BDSM lifestyle. And I thought I would get questions like, oh, I want to learn rope bondage and, or, you know, I want to, you know, do a SC and you know, have it be really great. But like, the majority of the questions were all, you know, how do I live this lifestyle when I have kids? How do I live this lifestyle when I'm busy with a job or when I have health issues? How do I even find a partner? So it really surprised me that like, what people were wondering was not so much the skills and the intricacies of it, but a lot of the mindset stuff, stuff with it too. So I thought that was just really interesting.
Deborah [00:17:00]:
Yeah. One of the things that I've also noticed is like the difference between what I have as my fantasy and what I, what, what's, you know, what the day to day piece of being a 247 submissive can look like. And I know in my own life what really sort of came into play was the fact that like the difference, you know, the difference in income played a big part in, in how could we play together? How, you know, because all of that conditioning around what it's supposed to look like.
Alessandra Madison [00:17:42]:
Yeah, I'm. Money is, is huge. You know, I would say, you know, money is like up there with sex in terms of, you know, the mindset issues behind it and, you know, the amount of hang ups we have around things, you know, taboo, you know, just like, we can't talk about sex, like, we can't talk about money. You know, you can't ask someone like, how much money do you make? And you know, it's like, it's so funny how, yeah, money just kind of seeps into all aspects of our lives and even into the bedroom in our, you know, BDSM relationships even. So. Yeah, I could totally see that.
Deborah [00:18:23]:
Yeah. And especially when we have this, like, cultural fantasy of the dom who's like, the bazillionaire who's gonna put you on a plane and when that's not who you're playing with, like, when the reality of, you know, actually being with a. Another human who has his, you know, all of the things, it. It can be challenging to, like, really square those pieces together.
Alessandra Madison [00:18:50]:
Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I think 50 shades of gray did a lot for the community. It, you know, made BDSM like, a household name. Like, my mom, she. She read, you know, 50 Shades of Gray, so she knows what safe words are and hard and soft limits are. But I. I think a lot of people do, like, they need to progress from that and not, you know, live in that.
Alessandra Madison [00:19:17]:
That fantasy. So it's like a great introduction. You know, it can, you know, get your juices flowing and your curiosity flowing. But, yeah, it's. It's making it real life and every day. And, you know, what do you do when your partner doesn't, you know, own their own company with their own helicopter and, you know, make a billion dollars is like, yeah, how do you. And you have bills to pay. How do you.
Alessandra Madison [00:19:43]:
How do you stay in your role? How do you stay, you know, in that DOMSA mindset? And so it can be a real struggle for. For people.
Deborah [00:19:51]:
And what's. Now that we brought it up, I'm curious, like, how. How do you start to. How do you support yourself in staying in that. In that mindset?
Alessandra Madison [00:20:05]:
Well, so for me, personally, so I'm a submissive, and so I have some things like. Like rituals for myself. So, you know, I have my. My morning routine so that, you know, looks like meditation and journaling and different submissive mantras and just making sure I'm nourishing my body and just really staying in communication with my dom, too. And another thing that, like, keeps me in that mindset and him in that mindset too, is using our. We call them, you know, the honorifics with each other. So, you know, for us, that's, you know, daddy, or, you know, sometimes I'll call him sir, even our master. And so using those terms can really help you stay in that mindset too.
Alessandra Madison [00:20:56]:
But definitely, you know, the self care just really, really helps. But especially the meditation and the journaling too.
Deborah [00:21:04]:
I think it's really, you know, for some people hearing that, that could be surprising how much of your own self care you need to do. To be able to surrender and submit and stay in that role.
Alessandra Madison [00:21:21]:
Yeah, because it's just like any relationship, like, it takes work. You can't just say, well, we're in a BDSM relationship now, and even if it's great from the beginning, like, there's no guarantee it's going to stay that way. Things come up from time to time, and so you constantly have to adapt and, you know, keep up those self care rituals. So, you know, and it gets hard, you know, But I have noticed, like, when I'm feeling like really just out of alignment, you know, with either my relationship or myself as a submissive, like, I, I can look back and be like, oh, well, I haven't been journaling, I haven't been meditating. I, you know, or, you know, if it's our relationship, it's like, okay, well, we haven't been doing regular scenes lately. And, you know, that's why. And so really getting back to those core basics and those, especially those things that we were really excited to do when we first discovered bdsm, you know, is, is to just like, go back to those basics.
Deborah [00:22:26]:
And how, how does having a family weave into this, into the relationship?
Alessandra Madison [00:22:36]:
Well, I would say, like, people think and worry more than they need to. Like, we think, oh my gosh, we're going to, we're going to damage our kids and, you know, they're going to have to go to counseling and. But the, the opposite of is true. And I've talked to, you know, therapists about this, that as long as they see that, you know, the, the parents are happy, that's all that matters. And obviously we don't expose them to kink, we don't expose them to bdsm, but they see two parents that are very much in love and respectful of each other and polite to each other. And, you know, we try our best to stay quiet. You know, we've done some things, some practical things like, you know, soundproofing our rooms and just, you know, making sure that, you know, if we are going to have a loud scene, then maybe that's the night that they stay at the babysitter's house. But we, we try our best to just not expose them.
Alessandra Madison [00:23:42]:
But, you know, I always say heaven forbidden, just heaven forbid. Like they found out that you practiced BDSM or they walked in on you. Like, all that takes is a really quick explanation. And I've heard from many therapists say it is more damaging for your children to walk into your room and see you fighting than to walk into your room and see you having sex. Like, so I think, you know, obviously, like I said, take all the precautions you can, but don't worry about it. Like, as long as you're happy and your kids see that, you know, that's all that matters.
Deborah [00:24:20]:
I love that, really putting that healthy, loving relationship in front of versus the fear of all of the other pieces that you're going to see. And it makes perfect sense that seeing you fighting is more damaging than seeing you in, in a lovemaking or consensual experience together. I'm going to shift things up a little bit and ask a little bit more about, about the website and your work. And I know that you've got a lot of different offerings and I'm curious in terms of, you know, if somebody is really starting out. They're starting out. Let's assume they're starting out. They've, you know, they're, they're single. What are some of the pieces? Like, what are some of the things that you suggest to them as a, as a basic foundation?
Alessandra Madison [00:25:24]:
Yeah. So on our website, we have a whole lot. So we have blog articles. You know, I have a podcast too. And so there's, you know, podcast episodes. We have the YouTube channel, so they can check that out too. But just really start with those foundational things. You know, a lot of times people want to take off running and they, they buy all the gear and everything and they, you know, want to go to a dungeon right away.
Alessandra Madison [00:25:51]:
But it's like, start with the education first, you know, before you start putting this into practice, you know, educate yourself on the terms and things like that. So on the website, we have, you know, just a ton of free resources and different articles. So, you know, just peruse the things that, that interest you and when you are ready to start, maybe finding a partner, you know, we have a whole course on that, you know, or if you already have a partner, but you kind of want to introduce BDSM and kink to them, we have a whole course on that too. So, you know, it's kind of like a buffet where you can just kind of pick and choose where you want to go, kind of choose your own adventure type of thing. But the other thing I would recommend to people is just meeting other people in the lifestyle because, you know, community is so important. We need each other. I mean, me and you, you know, Deborah, right now are having a conversation about, you know, sex and bdsm and, and that's what makes everything in life just so much better, is having someone else to talk to about These things, especially about such taboo topics that you can't talk to anyone else about. So try to meet other people in the lifestyle, find, you know, groups and events and just focus on, on making friends too.
Alessandra Madison [00:27:15]:
But yeah, and then when you're ready for more advanced things or you need one to one coaching, we offer that too.
Deborah [00:27:24]:
I love what you were saying about community because I think that's such an important piece. I learned so many different things from people kind of coming up. And you know, back in the day when, when I was starting out, we found each other through ads in the back of the paper, like no Internet. So I really love how much more availability there is and how much more there is in terms of community and having community support. And I want to say, you know, another thing about community is it, it can help when somebody is newer to get to understand like what's safe, who's safe. And it can be a really wonderful way to be supported in finding your way into what can seem like a bit of an overwhelming adventure.
Alessandra Madison [00:28:17]:
Yeah. Because there are unfortunately, you know, predators out there, scammers out there. And so when you are learning about these things, you know, you have that, that, you know, we call it like sub frenzy or dom frenzy, where you just learn so much and you want to, you know, just absorb everything. You want to take it all in. And so if you meet someone online who's, you know, not a good person, they're going to take advantage of that. And I've heard horror stories of, you know, women getting involved with men who seem like, you know, a Christian grade has it all together. And you know, they always say, well, I'm, I'm an experienced dominant, so they're always experienced and they, they need to tell you that right off the bat that they're experienced and you know, that they're going to, you know, take them under their wing and mentor them and then it just becomes this huge abusive, you know, exploitive sexual relationship where, you know, they're doing a lot of things that they're not even consenting to or just people getting caught up with, you know, scammers where people try to take their money and things like that. So it's always good.
Alessandra Madison [00:29:32]:
That's why I say start with, so you know what a healthy dynamic looks like first. So when you see in all these other red flags that may pop up, like you'll know them for what they are. But like you said with community, it's good to have friends that you can bounce things off of and be like, hey, this person's messaging me and something seems off. Can I get your opinion on what you think?
Deborah [00:29:58]:
And I, I'm curious. I'd love to go back. And so what would you say are some of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship, BDSM style relationship?
Alessandra Madison [00:30:11]:
So communication always, you know, so if one person is constantly saying, you know, you don't need to ask questions, you just need to trust me. And, you know, if you're asking questions, that means you're, you're not being obedient or, you know, it's, it should be the opposite. You know, the other person should be encouraging questions and, you know, constantly saying, is this okay for you? Do you want more? Do you want less? So even in our dynamic, even though we've, you know, been together for, you know, decades, that, you know, once a week on Sunday nights, you know, before, you know, my husband goes to work, that we sit down and we have a weekly check in where we talk about, you know, what has been going good this last week, what would we want to see more of, what things we want to change? What are our goals for the week? You know, in terms of our scenes? Like, what kind of scenes do we want to do this week? Is there anything we want to incorporate? So, you know, just all that communication is really what's going to establish that, that healthy dynamic in, in mutual respect too, and feeling safe. So even though we're doing like a lot of crazy things that seem really unsafe and risky and taboo, there is that sense of safety still that you trust the other person. So even if it is just like a sexual dynamic that maybe you just hook up on the weekends, you still want to be able to, you know, at the end of the day say that you, you trust this person.
Deborah [00:31:50]:
And I just want to underscore the idea. I mean, I think it's fabulous that you guys have a weekly check. It sounds like it's on the calendar and that you can be honest about what's actually happening for each of you in the dynamic and having that space that is, I don't know if you would consider that outside of your roles or a free speech zone.
Alessandra Madison [00:32:20]:
So we kind of do sometimes. So even during the week, I do kind of have the military thing where I'm, you know, can I have permission to speak freely, sir? You know, kind of a thing, you know, if something really comes up. But even when our, we're having our check ins, you know, we're still a dominant sub. So I still try to be respectful when I talk to him. And, you know, but sometimes you know, like, let's say we had a really bad week about something or something was really stressful. You know, I may be upset when I'm talking, you know, but I still try to be respectful about it. You know, just because you're, you know, a submissive or a dom, it doesn't mean you don't have emotions. It's just learning to better, you know, control them and express them.
Deborah [00:33:06]:
And do you feel like, I mean, I know you can't speak for him, but I'm kind of curious.
Alessandra Madison [00:33:13]:
What you.
Deborah [00:33:14]:
Would say, what you think he might say or a dom in general might say about, like, what is the, some of the challenges of being in charge, holding the space for so long.
Alessandra Madison [00:33:31]:
Yeah, so I know this is, you know, he's expressed, this is true for him, but it's true for a lot of doms. And a dom can be a man or a woman or non binary. So gender doesn't matter in terms of these roles. But usually where doms, you know, do struggle with is it is a huge responsibility to, you know, a lot of ways they, they have a lot of, they wear a lot of hats, you know, because not only are they taking in charge in the bedroom and kind of planning things, you know, if there's an outside dynamic, then, you know, they're almost kind of like in this life coach role of kind of controlling and micromanaging things. And, and it can, it can be kind of exhausting. But, you know, they do get a lot out of it. And a lot of people who are doms, they, they thrive on that. They want the control.
Alessandra Madison [00:34:29]:
And so that's why they, they get into those roles. And so it's not so much as a burden, but it is just like a lot of work and a lot of planning and checking to make sure they're submissive is, you know, doing good is in a good headspace and that they're happy and getting their needs and wants fulfilled too. So, yeah, it does, it does take a lot of work on their part.
Deborah [00:34:56]:
I'm wondering if you were to say, you know, this from, from, from the submissive point of view, looking at your domain, what would you say is how do you support him? How do you support him in being his best? I, you know, I have ideas about how he supports you in being your best, but I'm curious how you support him in being his best self.
Alessandra Madison [00:35:28]:
Well, so this is going to be different for every dominant because every dominant, you know, has different needs and wants. But for mine, he really thrives on, you know, Knowing that he is making me happy. So just being, you know, grateful for what he does and thanking him for what he does, you know, even if it's just, you know, that we, we did a really fun kinky scene over the weekend, just, you know, making sure he knows how much I liked it, how appreciative of it I am, and just how thankful I am that he's in my life and, and he does like to be in that kind of like, caregiver, parental role. So letting him, you know, take the lead in my life and, you know, help me out and instead of being this independent woman who can do it all, you know, because even though I, I can take care of myself and do it all, you know, letting him to have that control can, you know, I know gives him a lot of fulfillment too, that he's, that he's helping me, that he's taking care of me and my needs.
Deborah [00:36:43]:
So letting him take care of you in those places and really appreciation and gratitude and knowing, you know, letting him know that as he cherishes you, you cherish him.
Alessandra Madison [00:36:57]:
And then obviously there's, you know, the kinky sex, you know, why else would we be doing this? You know? You know, so those are always the perks too, but, you know, but yeah, so I mean, I always say, like, the more like we, we make BDSM and Dom sub relationships complex. Like, we forget how just like at the end of the day, like, it's just fun to have kinky sex, you know, so, you know, there's always that aspect of it too.
Deborah [00:37:25]:
I love that. Thank you so much for bringing us back to that. So in a minute, I'm going to invite you to share. Like, if there was one thing that you wanted people to get out of our conversation, what that might be. But first, I want to give people a way to support the better sex podcast. Because, you know, sex is a really complex subject and it can, as we were talking about, make or break a relationship. And most of us don't grow up in an environment where talking about sex is welcome. And so that's why I'm offering Sexual Mastery Breakthrough Session, a personalized one on one experience for a more satisfying sex life.
Deborah [00:38:10]:
Because let's face it, a podcast is not enough. You have to have practice. And if you're ready for tools and tips and exercises that you can learn, go to the Show Notes and book A Sexual Mastery Breakthrough Session. Because, you know, life is way too short for bad sex. So on that note, I'm so curious, like, what, what would you like people to walk away from our conversation with.
Alessandra Madison [00:38:39]:
Well, if, you know, you're listening to this and this sounds interesting to you, or even just, you know, you're curious about it, I just really encourage you to have an open mind and, and to know that these types of relationships are just as healthy as any other dynamic. And, you know, hopefully listening to me, you can see like, we're just normal people too. But I would like people to know just how beneficial these types of relationships are. And, you know, even though there is, you know, all the kinky sex that's enjoyable there, there are so many benefits too, and just so much that you get out of it and in it can really help a relationship. Like when we were first starting out and we had a therapist helping us and you know, we let them know we were exploring BDSM and they got to see how much it helped our relationship. I remember our therapist said, like, I wish more people knew about this. And he said, like, I wish I could, you know, prescribe this to people because he saw how therapeutic it can really be. So I just really encourage people to just have an open mind to explore and just not take themselves seriously either.
Alessandra Madison [00:40:01]:
But just to, you know, like you said, life is too short. And so just really, you know, explore all the different types of dynamics out there and see what feels best for you.
Deborah [00:40:12]:
Thank you. So I'd love if you would take a few minutes to talk a little bit about, about the summit that I discovered you on and all of the incredible projects and things that are available to people through your website.
Alessandra Madison [00:40:29]:
Yeah, so the summit was a lot of fun because it was me and my Dom and like 20 other BDSM educators. And I really just wanted a way to pull all these great minds together and just, you know, talk about BDSM in kink and domsub dynamics. And so it's actually still available. If people want to get the replays, it's at DomsubDynamics.com people can check it out there. So we, we do the summit every year and then in a couple months I'm going to be running my, my first free four day challenge. So that's going to be really exciting to kind of help people jumpstart their DOM sub dynamic. We do something called the Kink bundle in the fall that, you know, again just brings all these other creators and their courses together in this really, you know, amazing low cost bundle. I think like last year we had like over 30 educators.
Alessandra Madison [00:41:32]:
You know, my goal this year is to have 50 and it's just all packaged up so, you know, they can get it at one, you know, low price. But, you know, I'm constantly just running just different events and launches. So, yeah, if anybody ever wants to learn more, you know, they can get on my newsletter@domsibleiving.com signup. But the summit was a lot of fun. We have a community, too, so a lot of people, you know, really enjoyed participating, participating in that community as part of the summit.
Deborah [00:42:05]:
Yeah, I just have to give a plug for the community is amazing, and I've seen a lot of different summits, and I was really impressed with the way that you brought the community together and how active the community was or is and supportive. And I think that was part of the VIP experience, but well worth it. Incredible support. Really great educators. Highly recommend that. Super excited to have you here, Alessandra.
Alessandra Madison [00:42:38]:
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
Deborah [00:42:40]:
I just want to say, you know, is there anything that I might have missed? Anything that you want the world to know?
Alessandra Madison [00:42:50]:
Just that I hope people enjoyed this podcast episode and they, you know, go back and binge all your other podcasts. I've been doing that myself. And so you have some really great episodes on there and just bringing more awareness about these types of topics because, you know, and unfortunately, in the world we live in, with especially Facebook and Instagram, just like, banning all of us left and right and not even being able to, you know, talk about words like BDSM online, you know, we need, you know, podcasts like these, you know, more than ever.
Deborah [00:43:26]:
Beautiful. Thank you. And on that note, I just want to say if you know somebody who might be helped by this conversation, somebody who's, you know, thinking about bdsm, or you and your partner want to experiment a little bit more with what it is to be in a relationship that is based on dynamics and fun, kinky sex, and everything else, please, please share this widely and, you know, like, subscribe and comment wherever you get your podcasts. And again, thank you so much, Alessandra. And you can find her@domsubliving.com.
Alessandra Madison [00:44:12]:
Did I get that? Yeah. And I. I do have a. A free resource library, so there's tons of tr, you know, different workbooks and quizzes even. And so we have that on our website@domsubliving.com free. So everyone's invited to go and download that and have that free gift.
Deborah [00:44:35]:
That's so generous. Thank you so much for your time, your generosity, and your willingness to share, you know, your lifestyle and everything that you've learned so far. So thank you so much. On that note, everybody, I will see you, hear you on the next podcast. And again, thank you so much for being a guest today.