Sex and the Subconscious with Kate Shelor

n this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I talk with Hypnotherapist, Subconscious Reprogramming Expert and Relationship Coach,  Kate Shelor who takes us into the complexities behind the differences between how men and women perceive and communicate love and intimacy. Kate shares some of her personal journey using hypnotherapy to overcome her personal challenges with orgasms.  This led her to develop her own work bringing hypnotherapy into the realm of sex, body trauma, orgasms, and erections.  Along the way we chat about the power of ‘scheduling’ intimacy, the unrealistic expectations created by the media, the differences between men and women’s communication style, and the power of hypnotherapy to assist with orgasm. Kate also gives us a therapeutic technique to help with resolving deep-seated emotional wounds as well as some practical advice to set up an environment for sexual play.  This comprehensive conversation brings to consciousness the unconscious programming that can get in the way of a healthy sex life.  Not only that, Kate brings us into this exploration through a conversation that takes the shame out of sexual communication.

Connect with Kate 

https://www.instagram.com/kateshelor/

https://www.youtube.com/c/KateShelor

https://twitter.com/coachkatykaT 

https://www.facebook.com/OfficialKateShelor/

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In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.

Deborah [00:01:21]:

Awesome. Okay, so I am recording. All right. So on that note, welcome to the Better Sex podcast. My name is Deborah Kat, and I am your shameless host. This podcast is where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships to show the many possibilities of sex and relationships and help you figure out what works for you so that you can have the sex and relationship that works on your terms. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part, please hit like subscribe and leave a comment wherever you get your podcasts.

Deborah [00:02:09]:

So today I am so excited. We are going to dive into the world of my guest, Kate Sheila. She is a hypnotherapist, subconscious reprogramming expert, and relationship coach. She teaches people how the subconscious rules the body and how it relates to fear, pleasure, shame, habits, and self limiting beliefs. The same body brain connection drives human behavior, and once you understand this, you can leverage it in the bedroom and the boardroom. I am so excited that Kate is here with me today. She is a new friend and colleague, and I'm so excited to have you here. So, you know, I'm so curious.

Deborah [00:03:00]:

I know. I've read a little bit about your story, but how did you get here?

Kate [00:03:07]:

Well, first, thank you so much for having me. I'm always excited to have a good sex positive conversation, like minded people. So thank you. So, my story, the short version of the story, is that I decided to pursue hypnotherapy. I was just very interested in it, and I'd seen it work for people, and I was, as I was studying it, I was using it on myself. I was applying what I was learning about the subconscious mind to myself, and I was doing self hypnosis. And I used it to overcome what had been a lifelong issue for me, and that is orgasms. So I had struggled my whole adult life with having an orgasm with another person.

Kate [00:03:56]:

And that, I mean, even if another person was in the room, that was an issue for me. And at that point, I had sort of given up. I just thought, that'll never happen for me, and there's just something wrong with me. Then while I was pursuing hypnotherapy, I didn't realize that it was going to directly impact my personal life. I thought it was just going to impact my professional life. And it was just a huge moment in my life, an epiphany. So I then started looking out at the world of hypnotherapy, and I started looking around to see, well, who is helping people with sex, body trauma, orgasms, erections. And it turns out very few hypnotherapists, if anybody.

Kate [00:04:47]:

And people are getting help for smoking and for weight loss and for all the standard stuff, which is great, but I just was like, wow, there's a hole here. There's. Because it's such a subconscious process. It is emotional. It's tied to how we're brought up, to how we're, you know, any past, either positive or negative experiences, all of those things are highly subconscious. So I was sort of shocked. So I just started talking about it on my instagram, which is where I first started getting clients. So I started just talking about my story and trying to make educational content, and then people just started Dming and asking questions and asking advice.

Kate [00:05:33]:

And I realized at that moment that that's there was a lot of people that wanted help with sex and sexuality, a lot of people who feel ashamed, a lot of people who don't really have anyone to talk to about their questions and their perceived issues. And so I just started, that really directed my line of work. So I stopped worrying because I'm like, there's enough hypnotherapists in the world dealing with all the other things. So I just started focusing on sex and talking about it, and then I started working with clients, and that just sort of became my. My focus. And, you know, from there, it's just gone on. I also have an onlyfans because I started just saying, hey, I wonder if, you know, I talk about all this stuff. I talk about being comfortable in your body.

Kate [00:06:26]:

Like, am I so I started doing that, and I wasn't sure if that was going to be anything. And that also started to be successful. And so that's what I do. I put up tons of educational content on all my platforms, and I try to offer people relationship advice and be a sounding board and create a positive community.

Deborah [00:06:51]:

So good. So, you know, one of the things, first of all, thank you for being such a shame free place to go for sex and relationship advice. And I super appreciate your willingness to essentially walk your talk and have an only onlyfans platform and actually get to see real sex. Because I think, you know, one of the things that I see a lot of in my. In my practice is, you know, the misinformation about what sex looks like, what it feels like, what it, you know, I mean, it's been so between, you know, movies that have sanitized it to the point where it's like.

Kate [00:07:45]:

There'S barely.

Deborah [00:07:46]:

A wrinkled sheet to porn, which is a beautiful thing in and of itself, but not a good reflection of what sex is. And the lack of honest, real sexual education is, I believe, quite detrimental to people because it's like we walk away with. I love that you said perceived issues, because I think sometimes people don't realize that what they're experiencing is not. Is normal, but there's no place to look at it. There's no place to actually talk about it.

Kate [00:08:27]:

I think that it comes up so often with the idea of porn addiction. I see this a lot, and so many people feel that they are addicted to porn. But of course, a porn addiction isn't an actual diagnosis that's recognized. And often what is actually driving the driving emotion is not related to the porn use itself, but shame about porn use. And so there's so many questions to be asked, right. To help people really understand, is the amount of porn you're watching actually problematic? Is it actually causing problems? Where do you get your information from about what is okay and what's not okay? Helping people really understand what is. What is being given to me by, you know, my surroundings, my culture, my church group or whatever, versus, you know, how you actually feel? Or. And many people have pretty normal porn habits, but still feel that they have an addiction to porn.

Kate [00:09:43]:

And, I mean, additionally, there's misogyny and porn, of course, there's all sorts, and there's a lack of representation in most mainstream porn. It's where, you know, people with disabilities or people of gender, gender identities, and people are just not seeing very much of porn that represents them. And a lot of people too. Like you said, they're getting tips from porn. But it's like, porn is entertainment. It's sex entertainment. And if you've ever listened to an interview with a porn star, it may look easy on camera, but they're taking breaks and they're drinking water and they need more lube and they need a fluffer, you know, I mean, it's. It is not.

Kate [00:10:36]:

And of course, a lot of women feel like failures because they see on camera in movies and in porn, really easy orgasms. Like, a man just inserts his penis a couple of times and she's coming. And so a lot of women feel like they're not working properly, and it's like, no, you're working great. That's not how sex works. That's not the path for most women to an orgasm. Right. So there's just so much that people don't know, and so then they feel terrible about themselves.

Deborah [00:11:12]:

Yeah, I just. To follow up on that, I believe that only something like 20% of women achieve orgasm through penetration. And so that's, you know, so when we're holding ourselves up to a standard that's just not accurate, then it makes perfect sense that people feel like, you know, they're weird or they're broken or something is wrong with them and it.

Kate [00:11:38]:

Can make them feel. I think it can contribute to a perceived lack of sex drive as well. Because when you don't feel good about yourself and you may be not getting, you're not actually able to orgasm because the right things aren't happening, then of course your interest level is probably not going to be super high. And so, you know, it all really works together. And so just trying to help people talk about things, normalize what real sex is, I think that's what it comes down to, like, and, you know, it's just like bodies. Like, you know, you see magazines, you see the movies, and that's the thing we all try to, you know, compare ourselves to. But that's not reality either. And so there's so much work on every front that has to be talked about constantly, never ending to kind of always be your leg waving that flag of just saying, like, this isn't reality and it's okay.

Deborah [00:12:39]:

Yeah, absolutely. I think I feel like 98% of my job is telling people, you're okay, you're normal.

Kate [00:12:47]:

It's.

Deborah [00:12:47]:

It's, you know, let's figure out what actually works for your body. Let's act. Let's figure out what. What is actually your rhythm in sex. And, you know, one of the things that I would love you to talk about is sexless marriages, because I think that it's talked about. But I like your take on it. I like the way that you sort of unpack all of the things that are going on there. And so I'm just going to invite you to dive in and what, seeing a sexless marriage?

Kate [00:13:27]:

So obviously, these are going to be generalizations, but there's just some things to think about. I think if you are in a relationship that your sex is not, your sex drive is not aligned because that's very common. And then there's all the way to people who are in a sexless relationship or an almost sexless relationship. The first thing is to ask is to really find out what that means, because it doesn't always mean the same thing to people. Sometimes you'll ask someone, they'll say, we never have sex. And you're like, oh, okay. Like never. Well, no, like once a month.

Kate [00:14:07]:

Like never. And you'll say, like, you know, to the other person in the partnership, and they're like, we have sex. I feel like we have sex, like, all the time. Like once a month, like, we have regular sex, you know? So people, first thing is that people may view the amount of sex being had very differently. So that's an important baseline conversation to have. Right. And then it's all about really helping people unpack, because sex is, you know, if people are not having sex with each other and they're in a relationship and things have changed, it's rarely about sex.

Deborah [00:14:44]:

Right?

Kate [00:14:46]:

It's rarely like, oh, I don't like the way they do it. I mean, that is almost never now, that does happen sometimes people, there's sex ed that needs to happen. And you can have an epiphany, but most of the time, there's some emotional drivers driving this behavior and driving this feeling of disconnection. And there's a lot of important topics to talk about. One is, you know, the partner that is maybe not as interested in sex. What is it? You know, people all the time will start. They'll focus on sexual, so they'll focus on a number. They're like, well, I want to have sex three times a week.

Kate [00:15:27]:

You want to have sex once a week. Let's agree to have sex twice a week.

Deborah [00:15:32]:

Right?

Kate [00:15:32]:

And then it becomes this obligation and it becomes this sort of pass fail thing. And I think that that is a very fraught way of dealing with sex because it's not really dealing with the why. It's just dealing with the outcome and putting a number on it, and then all of a sudden you have a partner that feels like they agreed to have sex or a partner that says, my partner agreed to this in therapy, and now she's not doing it. And more resentment grows. And so it's so important to start asking the why questions really asking each other, like, take sex away for a second. You know, what? How are you feeling in life? You know, are you getting what you need out of this relationship? Have you changed in terms of what you want from this relationship or what you want out of life? How's your stress level? You know, how is your happiness level? Are you, how hard are you working? What about the division of labor, domestic labor in the house? Because studies show that that can very much affect how women, a lot of women's drive for sex and also understanding a lot of.

Deborah [00:16:46]:

I got to underline that one. So you're saying that there's research that's, that that specifically says that, that the division of labor, of housework is related to how women. How women sex drive?

Kate [00:17:04]:

Yeah, I believe. Trying to remember. I believe it was. Justin Lemiller was talking about it. I believe I'll have to look it up. But yes, a connection between. So when there's a disparity in the division of domestic labor, there tends to be, women tend to have a lower sex drive when it's an unbalanced division of domestic labor. Or the more balanced the domestic labor, the more the sex drive for women.

Kate [00:17:32]:

And that makes sense on a lot of levels. It makes sense in terms of maybe emotionally in terms of resentment, but it also makes sense in terms of just being tired and exhausted. And on the third account, it makes sense because I think this is a very important thing to understand. So there are different things that make people, you know, there's push the gas and the brakes when it comes to sex. And it is just as important to know what turns you on as it is to know what turns you off. And I don't just mean turn offs or give you the icky, but things that really just stand in the way. And so, for example, responsive sexual desire versus spontaneous sexual desire. I know we talked about this.

Kate [00:18:19]:

A lot of men, the majority of men, though not all, will say they experience spontaneous sexual desire. They can just sort of very quickly be interested in sex regardless of sort of what's happening, what's going on, whereas a lot of women, the majority of women, though not all, tend to mostly experience responsive sexual desire. And that means that they aren't spontaneously feeling horny. They just need some sort of stimulation in order to feel then interested in sex. That alone is a huge light bulb moment for a lot of people because they feel like, well, I'm just never horny. My husband will be like, I'm doing the dishes. I bend over to get the spray cleaner from under the counter and my husband's like, right, spontaneously, do you want to have sex? No one's home. And you're like, no, I'm doing the dishes.

Kate [00:19:18]:

Like, that's not, no, you know, I'm in my sweats. And so this is where we get a lot of issues because the man feels like, well, I get turned down all the time and the woman feels like I'm never in the mood and he's in the mood and I'm just not horny. Whereas they're not knowing and understanding that responsive sexual desire is actually the majority of women and that is they need some sort of stimulation, right? So you actually need to touch yourself or use a toy or watch some porn or whatever it may be in order to then be in the mood for sex.

Deborah [00:19:53]:

Well, and I would even say, I mean, I know this is something that I've seen with my clients is like one of the parties will say, oh, I don't want to plan sex. However, you know, and back when we were dating, you know, we just had sex. Well, yes, you just had sex, but you also plan that date on Saturday. And, you know, from Wednesday. So from Wednesday to Saturday, you've been thinking about this date. You came home at 05:00. You spent 2 hours getting ready. And so all of that time is, I don't know if it's, you know, is planning is anticipation.

Deborah [00:20:34]:

Anticipation is getting yourself in the mood for it. And so, you know, sometimes when I explained it that way, people, the light bulb goes off. But like we have. And I know for myself, I'm one of these people who just going back to the gas and the brakes and it's really difficult for me to, you know, be in the mood if there's disarray in my space. Like I get distracted.

Kate [00:21:08]:

The law is distracting, I think because there's these ideas that all intersect and I want to talk about that for a second. So there's this idea of spontaneous versus responsive that's really important to know. Then there's this idea of like energetic, your sexual dynamic. And that's sort of related to what you just said. Right. And these things connect and all work together. Right. So I don't know if you've heard of Miss Jaya.

Deborah [00:21:39]:

Mm hmm.

Kate [00:21:40]:

Okay, so she has this. She has her own sort of sexual, erotic blueprint, she calls it. And so she has, like, something that she's kind of created to help you define what your erotic blueprint is. And it's very much so. I can't remember them all, but it is. It's a little bit like people's love language, but it's really about sex. And so one of them is. And one of her, I forget what it's called, but it really has to do with, like, you're very affected by your surroundings.

Kate [00:22:09]:

You need to be like, you know, it needs to be a nice, clean or nice sexy sort of surrounding in order for you to move into that space where you can feel erotic. And that's one of them, right? And so all of those things work together because I also have responsive sexual desire. And that, you know, that I very much that resonates with me, but I also really need anticipation. And that doesn't just mean, like, sexting. I don't necessarily need horny buildup, but I do need to shift gears and I have to make a conscious effort. I struggle to very quickly put on a new hat, you know, if I have my work hat on or my parent hat on, you know, if you just all of a sudden are like, hey, do you want to have sex? I have to make a conscious shift into that zone. Or it's like, no, not really. And so that very much is part of that idea that you have to sort of, even if it's five minutes for me to go upstairs, I need to kind of just like, sometimes take a shower or sometimes just like, have a few minutes, sometimes watch a porn.

Kate [00:23:22]:

It's not so much that my room has to be clean and tidy, necessarily, but I do need to make a mental shift. And so that is something that I hit the brakes. If I. If it's. If I can't shift gears, if I'm not in that zone, I'm not very spontaneous. You know, I have to. That hits the brakes for me. But that doesn't mean that my husband doesn't turn me on.

Kate [00:23:44]:

That still hits the gas. But it's important to know what makes you pump the brakes, because then you can address it. And so these are such important conversations for couples.

Deborah [00:23:55]:

So I'm so curious, did you have you and your husband sort of worked out like a signal or, like, how would a couple, you know, start to notice this? Because I think, you know, what you're saying about changing gears is so important. And, you know, I'm imagining that probably goes both ways. I know that, you know, one of the things that for a lot of times when my partner comes home, you know, he's one of these people who has his, like, he needs his transition time from the outside world to the inside world. And so I'm imagining, you know, what you're describing sounds very similar from, you know, the, from, from non sexy time to sexy time. And so, like, what do you suggest couples? Couples do?

Kate [00:24:46]:

Yeah, I think a lot of people probably there are even, you know, the same, and maybe this is for your partner as well, that same need to shift into, like, coming home from work and you need a few minutes to kind of transition. So, you know, I am like that with sex, but I'm like that in general. Right. It's not just so for a lot of people, when they learn that, it's like, oh, well, that makes sense because when my wife walks in the door, if everybody hounds her, it's like, right. You need to just kind of transition more gently into this new, into modes. So often it's not just it that way in sex. It's often that way, you know, in most other areas of your life as well. So this can be helpful in general.

Kate [00:25:28]:

Right. But, so we talk about this stuff a lot. We're very lucky in that we have a very open, you know, we talk a lot about sex and stuff. So my husband is spontaneous, but he also loves anticipation. Like, loves it. He probably likes it more than spontaneity is just knowing it's coming. Right. So that works for us.

Kate [00:25:52]:

We schedule sex all the time. I think scheduling sex is sexy, and a lot of people like to sort of go, oh, that doesn't sound sexy, but maybe it doesn't when you're younger and, you know, but the older you get and the busier you get, especially if you have families and kids. Like, schedules are important and you don't have a lot of time. What I like about scheduling sex is you both know, it's, it's on the calendar. You can, if you need time to mentally prepare or shift gears or watch porn, you can do those things because you're aware of it now. You know that you're having sex this afternoon. You can if, if you want to, you can send each other some dirty texts, you know, throughout the day to help build the fun and get you in the gear. I know that I can go take a quick shower and switch gears, rinse off or something, and I feel, because I know it's happening.

Kate [00:26:51]:

And for me, that helps me address those issues that I have, you know, and if you're energetically, like, if your room and your husband and you're supposed to have sex with your wife and she can't deal with the clutter, it distracts her. You make that bed, okay, because you know this about her and you want to get laid, and you guys talked about it. So clean up the room, you know, help. Help remove the things that will make her pump the brakes.

Deborah [00:27:20]:

Right.

Kate [00:27:21]:

And it allows everybody to do those things. I really like that. We also do things like, you know, again, scheduling sex is mostly how we do it, but when I can be spontaneous, where when I do have the idea every once in a while, I'm, like, surprising. I'm going to do that tonight. We have lights in our. Or we have two lamps on each side of our bed, and we have bulbs that are like, those color changing bulbs, and they're just regular during the day. And then we have a purple setting we use just kind of because we've got purple in our room. But I choose it to.

Kate [00:28:02]:

I pick it. I pick red. So I change it to red. And when the red lights go on, that means one thing.

Deborah [00:28:08]:

Oh, I love that. I love that.

Kate [00:28:11]:

Yeah. And then we also have a text. We have the, if you put alarm, you get the, like, red alarm thing that's, like, in your iPhone, the emoji, the siren. Red siren, and then the kitty cat face. And so that's like a pussy alert. So sometimes, like, I'll send that to him and that lets him know, like, there's, there's pussy available. And so we have a couple little codes, and if I add the water next to it, it's fresh pussy alert. Like, I just got out of the shower.

Deborah [00:28:48]:

I love that. And, you know, I love it. Like, you've got your own language about it, and you. So quick question. When you say scheduling sex, like, is it like date night? Date night? Or is it, you know, the. The expectation of, you know, actual penetrative sex?

Kate [00:29:10]:

We schedule sex when there's no date even. I mean, you know, I mean, date nights are fine, and that's there, too. But we'll be like, hey, there's an hour between two and 03:00 on Thursday. And we don't necessarily schedule what we're gonna do, but we schedule that. We're gonna have some sexy time. We're gonna do something right. And so, yeah, it'll be like, do you want to use a toy or do you want to just get laid? Or we just kind of do whatever, but we put it. We literally put it in our private calendar.

Kate [00:29:42]:

We pick out a time, and sometimes we pick it out just that day. It's like, hey, I noticed no one's going to be home at this time. What do you think? Later? And it's like, yeah, okay, let's do that. And then, you know, you just have a little bit of time to kind of build in that anticipation. And if you say that to him, it's always thinking about nothing. He's thinking about that, you know, every minute of the day. He's very excited. By the time he gets there, he's ready.

Kate [00:30:10]:

And so, you know, that really works. We also sometimes, for date night, we've also learned, like, I don't like having sex after date night because I get very tired early. I get tired at like, 930. And if I get to choose between sex and sleep at night, I'm going to sleep. So I like to have sex before we leave.

Deborah [00:30:36]:

Nice.

Kate [00:30:37]:

I do. We do it all the time. We'll take a quick shower, we have some sex, and then I get ready because we both get laid. And then we can just be relaxed. No one's worried about if they're getting laid later. I don't have to worry about eating a meal and having gas. Like, just no problems. We're both happy.

Kate [00:30:56]:

So we've also kind of created a system like that. But those things all just come from open communication without judgment. It becomes a problem solving thing you can do as a couple. And I think that couples can get there, you know, but you first have to erase, you have to deal with the resentment and anger that often and the lack of understanding, you know? And I heard somebody say something the other day. They said, you have to get curious before you get furious. And, you know, it's very true. And a lot of people, you know, are very upset about their relationship status. But there's a lot of conversations where you're really just trying to understand that just aren't happening, you know? And if you can learn to do those things, have, have tough conversations in one aspect of your life, you know, you can apply it, and it's important to apply it to your sex life, too.

Kate [00:31:55]:

I know a lot of couples just don't talk about sex at all.

Deborah [00:31:58]:

Right? Right.

Kate [00:31:59]:

We just don't really talk about it. And it's, you know, it's just another part of our lives. We talk about if you have a sore throat or you don't feel good or you have whatever. We talk about all these things with our partner, but when it comes to our sexual organs and our sex lives because there's so much shame and confusion, sometimes lack of information. People just don't talk. And I think spontaneous versus responsive desire is huge. And if you can learn that and understand that, it can relieve a lot of shame and resentment. And then another aspect I talk about is taking sex off the table for a little while.

Kate [00:32:39]:

And I know you and I talked about this, which is just saying while you're learning to communicate, while you're doing all these things, because what happens is a lot of times men subconsciously will do this. Sometimes consciously, but often subconsciously, they'll say something in their mind. Something like, well, she says yes, one out of every ten times, if I want to have way more sex, I have to ask ten times as much. And so a lot of times, men will start trying to up their number of yeses by asking more. And then women, I'm saying men and women, this dynamic, obviously it can be the other way around, but we're just going to say, because this is most typical and that women feel then pestered or used only for sex or wanted only for sex, and they put up bigger walls. And you can see how this is a cycle that just makes itself worse and worse. And then men will sometimes stop asking because they feel so rejected in the end that they just. And then there's this huge disconnect, right? So often you, it's like about, you know, they're teaching people about their sexuality and what is actually normal, and that's important.

Kate [00:33:50]:

And then there's levels of learning to communicate, having these conversations, starting to learn to be productive and open about these things, addressing whatever may be going on in the relationship that's lacking. And then they have to build a bridge to intimacy. And that's why taking sex off the table for a determined amount of time, I think, can be very helpful. It's like a one month time, you know, so that you can learn things like touching each other. Again, a lot of women will say things like, well, if I kiss him or touch him at all, he tries to move it to sex, like, immediately. So then they stop kissing and touching because they feel like it just leads to something.

Deborah [00:34:32]:

Right? And then the partner who feels like, oh, I'm not getting touched or kissed or any of this stuff. And, you know, there's that, that piece of the resentment gets even higher, the rejection level goes up. And so it's like, how do you.

Kate [00:34:49]:

Build that trust where it's like, take sex off the table so you both agree no sex, so that you can start, for example, you know, you give your husband and you rub his back, or you guys kiss, you make out. And there's this idea that you're not going to have sex. And if you can both stick to that, you can learn to be intimate again. Because intimacy isn't just about sex, right? It's touch. It's trust, it's connection. And sometimes I think it's healthy to take sex off the table in order to strengthen those again. And I talked about the idea of, you do those things on week one. On week two, he sets up a time to give you a massage.

Kate [00:35:33]:

Like a full. Make it nice, set it up in the bed or the bathroom with towels, get some oil. No sex, no pushing it, but just make her feel good and be connected and touch each other's bodies without it being sexual. And then the next week, she does it for him. Right? Building that.

Deborah [00:35:54]:

And then.

Kate [00:35:54]:

And then you can move into things like touching and making out in first base. But sometimes, often those limits can also reignite some chemistry, because we all remember back when, whether it was when you're younger, when relationship was starting, you didn't want him to think you were slutty and you really wanted to go further. But you were saying, but I can't. Those are good feelings, too. So sometimes I think those limits can also help remind each other that you really want to cross it. So it can help you do all of those things. But so many people go into solving sex by just trying to go after the amount of sex they're having and they try to get an agreement on, well, can we agree to once a week? And now, you know, and who wants obligated sex? It's not sexy, and it doesn't ever solve the problem.

Deborah [00:36:47]:

So I just got to recap a couple things that you said, one of them being that sex is the thing that we often talk about, but there's something underneath it that it's not usually the problem, that the problem is something underneath it, and that bringing in or I love, you know, the idea of taking. Taking sex off the table to not only take away the pressure of, like, you know, I can't do x, y and z because it's just gonna, you know, go to sex. I'm kind of curious about that. I'm not exactly sure what the question is, but it's. I hear that a lot from women, and it's like, is it the fear of going to sex is that they're not going to be satisfied? Is the fear of going straight to sex that they're going, that there's a pressure. I'm curious about that. I wonder if you have any thoughts.

Kate [00:37:45]:

What I think, what I take from it, what I've seen, is that many women start to feel that they're not appreciated and loved and respected and cared for enough, and there's other aspects of their life, but yet their husband wants to have sex with them. So a lot of women feel like they're being used for sex when everything else is lacking, right? So they're like, I'm doing all the dishes. I'm doing all these things. I don't feel emotionally validated or cared for. I don't really feel like all these other things are being attended to. But he sure does want to have sex with my body. And so a lot of times women just feel like they feel a little bit like an object. So they're like, he wants me to satisfy him sexually, but, like, where's the rest of this relationship, right? And so a lot of people feel a resentment on that end.

Kate [00:38:40]:

So that's why it's so important. Whereas a lot of men, too, a lot of men communicate, or they feel they communicate through sex.

Deborah [00:38:49]:

That's how they.

Kate [00:38:50]:

A lot of men feel. They're communicating their affection, and they're like, I still want to have sex with my wife. It's been 20 years. Like, that's how much I'm into you. Like, they. You know what I mean? So for a lot of men, that is a understandable and very valid way of showing love. Whereas a lot of women sort of separate the two, right? And there's, like, they can feel easily used sexually. And if.

Kate [00:39:18]:

If they're not being shown or they feel they're not being shown love and affection and care in other aspects. So that's why it's so important to talk about, like, you know, what are you each. What's the state of the union? You know, what's happening at work, what's happening when you get home? Well, on a daily basis.

Deborah [00:39:38]:

And as you say that, what occurs to me is that often we get different things out of sex. Like, when you're talking about, you know, men getting, you know, this is how they show their love. I think often sex is a place where softness and emotion and things that they may not have space in other places in their lives to experience and to express, get to come out. And so I think. And a lot of times, I like to say there's always. We have all these different reasons to have sex. You know, stress release, connection, emotional emotionality and all of these other things. And if you've got two people who are, you know, along with the, the arousal arc, I think is what you called it.

Kate [00:40:29]:

Yeah.

Deborah [00:40:29]:

But, like, if they, if they're coming in for different reasons, again, you've got kind of competing needs and wants there.

Kate [00:40:38]:

Yeah. And, you know, for example, also learning about each other, like, they're all tools. Right. The more you can understand, the more you can address each other. And sex and relationships and stuff often does involve negotiation and compromise. That is, you know, it's like my partner, like I said, you know, it's like if you. If he knows you need to have the bed made, you know, make the bed, if that's going to make it easier to get laid. Like, sometimes it's okay to have negotiation and these are tools, but it's like, my partner, he.

Kate [00:41:11]:

Sex, he's. There's the majority of people, when they're very stressed, they actually feel less horny. But some, a certain percentage of people actually feel more horny when they're stressed. And we're, we're both. We're in the. I feel not horny at all when I'm stressed. And he feels extremely horny when he stressed. That's how he deals with stress.

Kate [00:41:34]:

And I grew up very solitary, if that makes sense. I grew up in a deal with everything alone kind of way, and he grew up in a very family unit. Everyone talks about everything kind of way. So, you know, when I'm stressed, I want to be alone and quiet and away, and it, that's just how I deal with stress. And when he's stressed, he wants to talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Right. Learning these things about each other is very useful because if you aren't able to understand it, I have to. I sometimes have to say, hey, I just need to disconnect for a little while and not talk about this.

Kate [00:42:16]:

I'm going to listen to a murder podcast, and I'm going to have a shower. I'm going to listen to other people's problems for a while. And I love you, but I need that. And he's like, okay. And he knows the same thing is true with sex as it is in regular life negotiations. Like, he deals with sex through stress. And if we're stressed about the same thing, I need to be alone. And he needs, then we, I mean, I think, you know, we're very open about masturbation as well.

Kate [00:42:44]:

And that's another thing that couples need to talk about is what is acceptable to you two when it comes to masturbation, because I'll be like, he knows that I can't always have sex when he wants to have sex because we're both stressed about the same thing. So it's like, hey, I'm assuming you're kind of not horny because things are really. You're really stressed. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. But remember that fleshlight I got you? I think you should fuck it. It's gonna feel good, you know, tell me how it is. And we try to just keep it, you know, and.

Deborah [00:43:14]:

Okay.

Kate [00:43:15]:

That's so important, too.

Deborah [00:43:16]:

That's super hot. Like, I just have to say, that is super hot. I love, you know, it's important. The permission, the. The approval, the, you know, please take care of yourself as a way to help take care of us as a couple is beautiful. Thank you so much.

Kate [00:43:37]:

Yeah. And that he's also, though, willing to say, hey, sometimes I got to take care of myself also. My partner isn't a living sex doll. And that's also important for couples to understand that your partner can't always meet every single one of your needs. Emotionally, they can't, you know, they can't meet every literal need of yours, and they can't meet every sexual need of yours. Right. And that's also an important conversation for people to be able to talk about.

Deborah [00:44:10]:

So I'm so curious. Like, a couple comes to you and how does hypnotherapy work in the process of working with couples?

Kate [00:44:22]:

So I don't like to hypnotize people at the same time or anything like that. Typically, I help people. I first teach them about the subconscious mind and how it works and really try to help them understand how it relates to sex and their body and help them have some of these conversations as well. I will work with people individually in hypnotherapy and then later together at times when it's appropriate. But I don't do hypnotherapy at the same time with two people. I don't know how that would work, really. That would be very. Because it's a very personal journey, and I always tell people all hypnosis is self hypnosis.

Kate [00:45:03]:

People think, because of movies that it's like a mind control thing, but it's very much the opposite. The whole process is really internal within you, and a good hypnotherapist is going to help guide you safely to an emotional place because it's important wherever that you know, where that subconscious, that initial sensitizing event. And we don't always get to the initial sensitizing event. But we get to a sensitizing event. Whatever it is that your subconscious feels is relevant, whatever that comes up and really help you deal with it, because that's where your behaviors are driven, right? And helping people find solutions and find, you know, because here's the deal. When you go and you do therapy, therapy is an amazing tool, but it's. You're working mostly in your conscious mind, right? You're talking about things analytically, and that is an important part of the process. But typically, when people have, like, a breakthrough, some kind, there's often, like, tears or an emotional moment, because that's when that subconscious, that warehouse of memories that that emotional thing happens, where they get that shift.

Kate [00:46:21]:

And that is just that subconscious shift happening, right? Because when we have two conflicting ideas, you're like, I don't want eat sugar is bad for me. I've watched all the TED talks, and I know it to be true, okay? That's like your conscious mind, and you can know it to be true, but emotionally, that doesn't matter, right? If whatever. You know, it's like. But it. But you love it feels good when you have a bad day to eat ice cream and, like, all those things. And those are emotionally driven. And when you have con. When those two ideas are kind of in conflict with each other, right? Which one typically wins?

Deborah [00:47:02]:

Chocolate.

Kate [00:47:04]:

Chocolate.

Deborah [00:47:05]:

Right.

Kate [00:47:05]:

Because that's emotional. And we're always driven by emotions. We're very rarely able to truly, you know what I mean? So what? So it's just about aligning those two things, finding a way to align those things. And a good hypnotherapist can help you. There's the kind of hypnotherapy that most people think about, which is called direct suggestion. Okay? And that's sort of like, you feel great about your body. You think sex is healthy when you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And there's a place for that.

Kate [00:47:38]:

However, there's a limit to how the person really has to kind of be emotionally aligned with that in order for that to really have a long term change. But there's another kind of hypnotherapy called transforming therapy. And there are some hypnotherapists, but I would say it's less than 1% who do transforming therapy. And transforming therapy is a really interesting and incredibly useful technique. And it's essentially using emotion and some traditional therapy techniques within the state of hypnosis. So it's helping somebody kind of go back to a time helping them get into a more within safety, but a more emotional, going back to their memories, feeling mindful. And then. Have you heard of gestalt dialogue? Like gestalting? Yes.

Kate [00:48:34]:

So it's a technique where you may say, you may put yourself in a chair in a room across from you and speak to yourself, and then you become the other thing, and you speak back, and then you help them, because often people are looking for resolution, and they're looking for things sometimes they cannot get. It's like if you grew up with a parent who emotionally abused you, you are probably never going to get them to tell you they're sorry or to change things or to give you what so many people are kind of waiting their whole lives to get, right. They're looking for that sort of emotional resolution. And when they don't get it, which it's hard to get from people, they're left with this wound. And when you're able to sort of in that emotional state, it's like if you're talking to your mother and you say, mom, you hurt me. You did all these things, blah, blah, blah. And then you can switch places and be the mother and respond. And you could say, I have my own problems.

Kate [00:49:35]:

It wasn't about you. It's about me. And I sorry, I wasn't able to be. You're able to create very powerful resolution within yourself, right? And then you can speak back and you can let that go and help people. That's what transforming therapy is. That's what I was taught. That's what I've seen. Help people tremendously, but it's just not done very often.

Kate [00:50:00]:

And there was a guy who created it. His name is Gil Boyne. He's long since passed. But within hypnotherapy, people go, oh, Gil Boyne, Gil Boyne. But that's what he actually taught. And that is what I learned. And it is. That's why I think it is so powerful, because it helps people find that within themselves.

Kate [00:50:18]:

You know, there's nothing I could tell you if I'm your hypnotherapist. And you say, I want to have easier orgasms, there's nothing I, as an outsider, can really tell you that's going to change your life. But I can tell you that you have the answers, you know, what you need and what you're missing, and you know more than I could ever know. So just learning how to guide people through that process and help them, really, and then asking them tough questions within that state, you know, and it's like, does your mother deserve to have this control over you? For the rest of your life? No. Do you want to give that to her anymore? No. And it's like helping people find that within that state is what it is. And I. And it's just very powerful, and it's important work.

Kate [00:51:10]:

And I wish every hypnotherapist did it, because I think it would just be so much more effective and helpful for people. But it's really just combining therapeutic work with hypnosis, which is really just accessing your more emotional memories and doing the work there, because that's where it was created.

Deborah [00:51:34]:

Thank you so much for enlightening me on that and really introducing. I didn't realize, you know, I didn't know the difference between the two. I am so thrilled to be having this conversation. And for folks that are listening, and, I mean, yes, we've gone on a bit of a ride, as we do, but I'm curious, like, what would you say would be one either tool or technique or something that they could do to change the dynamic, perhaps, of, you know, to just improve their sex life? So is there something that you can. Off the top of your head, let me put you on the spot.

Kate [00:52:24]:

I think it's, whether it's your sex life or any other aspect of your life or your relationship, it's really learning to ask the question why? And listen to the answer. Really listen. And because so many times, it's like the sex thing, you know, she never. She's never horny, and I want sex, and we have problems, and she's shut down. And it's like, start really asking why. You know, really ask why and be willing to listen to the answer. And it may not be pretty, and it may not make you feel good, but I promise you, it's the beginning of a very important process. Now, how you ask why matters? If you're like, why aren't you ever horny? That's probably not helpful.

Kate [00:53:16]:

And it's not the start of a journey of learning, but if you can really say, hey, I know things are changed, and I just know they're not the same. And I just. I'm listening, and I just would love to, you know, I want to know what you're feeling. You know, what do you think is happening? Can we talk? Really learning to just ask why? Because it's rarely. You know, it's like when people are fighting about how one person never cleans the kitchen and the other person always has to do the dishes, and we're fighting about the dishes. It's easy to start talking about the dishes. Well, I did the dishes three weeks ago. No, you didn't.

Kate [00:53:55]:

And now we're just. We're arguing about the dishes. But are we really arguing about the dishes, or are we arguing about something more than that? You know, are we arguing about the person feeling like the other person is respecting their time or, you know, a balance in the relationship? Feeling like there are some very important whys to most of our daily arguments, especially if it's a chronic problem, there probably is a why that needs to be asked and addressed and listened to.

Deborah [00:54:32]:

Thank you so much. So those that are listening, I'm so excited that you're here. Thanks so much to my guest, Kate. Where can people find you?

Kate [00:54:44]:

I think the easiest place is my instagram because it just has every link there. So that'sheler, Kateshelor. And you'll just find everything there.

Deborah [00:54:58]:

Okay, beautiful. And of course, this will be in the show notes. So again, thank you so much. Go ahead, find her on Instagram. Her instagram is amazing, as is her onlyfans. I highly recommend both of those. Thank you. Yeah.

Deborah [00:55:17]:

So again, thank you so much. And for those of you who are listening, once you've gone to find her on Instagram, please come back and, like, subscribe and comment. And if you feel like this episode could help someone you know, someone you love, please, please help. Help spread the word. Help pass on great information about sex and relationships. Again, this is Deborah Kat, and thank you so much for listening to the better Sex podcast. And we'll see. We'll hear.

Deborah [00:55:50]:

We'll be on the next episode.

Kate [00:55:54]:

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Deborah [00:55:56]:

My pleasure. I'm so happy you're here.