Sinking into the Art of Seduction with Marla Renee Stewart
In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I talk with sexologist, author, and sexual strategist Marla Renee Stewart who shares her extensive experience studying human sexuality and running workshops worldwide through her sexuality education company, Velvet Lips and as co-founder of the groundbreaking Sex Down South Conference. Marla shares her own journey, including her move from California to the South, and how it shaped her mission to create spaces for marginalized communities to explore sexual liberation and within the kink world. She also talks about what she’s seen in the evolving landscape of sex and relationship from desire discrepancy to the increasing interest in non-monogamy and kink. Along the way, we get into the importance of seduction for a more satisfying sex life and Marla shares her hot tips on how to seductively spice things up while also challenging the common fantasy around spontaneous sex.
Connect with Marla
Sex Education
https://www.instagram.com/1marlastewart
https://www.velvetlipssexed.com/
Sex Down South
https://www.instagram.com/sdscon/
Sexcessful Business Coaching
Free Gift
https://velvetlips.ck.page/5solutions
Got questions about sex and relationship?
Podcast Feedback DeborahTantraKat@Gmail.com
Book a Bedroom Breakthrough session with Deborah
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule/023cee22/appointment/1540942/calendar/302593?appointmentTypeIds[]=1540942
Sex and Relationship tips direct to you Inbox
https://deborahkat.us5.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=428b26a12a8810bb5012792c3&id=ff89fb0d94
Practice and experimentation
https://www.deborahkat.com/relationship-lab
In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Deborah [00:00:02]:
So let's go ahead and welcome back to the Better Sex podcast. My name is Deborah Kat and I am your shameless host. This is the better Sex podcast where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships. These conversations are frank and can be explicit and may not be appropriate for all audiences. So please listen with care. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your to create a safe and sexy world, please hit like subscribe and leave a comment wherever you get your podcasts. Today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, Marla Renee Stewart.
Deborah [00:02:39]:
She is a sexologist, author, and sexual strategist who runs her own sexuality education company, Velvet Lips, and she's also the co founder of Sexdown South Conference. She studied human sexuality for more than 20 years, has given over a thousand workshops all over the world. She's been featured in a variety of media outlets, including Netflix, trigger warning with killer Mike Love, and hip hop Atlanta. She co wrote her first book, the Ultimate Guide to Seduction and foreplay with Doctor Jessica O'Reilly, which debuted in April 2020. I am so excited to have her here. While she is a new and exciting connection, I have been following her newsletter for quite some time. I've also been a fan of her on podcasts. So welcome, Marla.
Deborah [00:03:42]:
I'm so excited to have you here.
Marla [00:03:45]:
Thank you so much, Deborah, for having me. I'm happy to be here.
Deborah [00:03:48]:
Yay. I love hearing that. So I'm so curious. Like you. There's so many different cool things that you've been up to in the world. And I'm just curious, like, how did you land here?
Marla [00:04:02]:
Yeah, I landed here. I think it's a product of a couple of things. One is my mother, I would call her. She did sort of maybe some sex positive parenting, right? So I was raised without shame, raised without thinking, like there was something wrong with my body. She just wanted me to have all the facts. And she, you know, it was out of fear, right? She didn't want me to become a pregnant teenager. Like, she was. So she was very much like, I will educate you on all the things because you don't want to be in my situation.
Marla [00:04:39]:
She's like, I'm happy to have you, however. You know what I mean? I want you to have better. And then I think part of it, too, was because of that releasing of shame or not having that stigma attached to me in any way. By the time I got to college, and I was pretty much just like an open book, and people would come to me for all their sex advice. They knew I was studying human sexuality. They were just like, marla, I need to know this and that. And so I was helping people around their relationships, around sex, around, you know, all sorts of things, so that, for me, solidified, like, oh, this is what I need to be doing for a living. Like, this is what I'm good at.
Marla [00:05:27]:
I'm great at, and I have fun. I love talking about sex. It's just really a joy that I have. So, yeah, there's nothing that can keep me from this.
Deborah [00:05:40]:
Beautiful. Thank you. So I'm so curious. I know that you have a sexual education company. It's called Velvet lips, and I love the name. How did that come about?
Marla [00:05:58]:
Well, we all think that censoring is brand new, but censoring has been here for a long time. And when I started my business, I was very much censored on what I could name my company and what I couldn't. And so I wanted to have a play on words. And so, you know, a little bit of a double entendre of velvet lips. I was thinking of not only the lips on my face as velvet, but I was also thinking about the lips between my legs as also velvet. And then I was also thinking about communication and how I talk to people and how that's also a little bit velvet. So there were all sorts of things that kind of conjured up for me why I created the name velvet lips. But mostly I came up with velvet lips is because I just.
Marla [00:06:51]:
There again, there were censoring. They were censoring back then, too. You know, this is, you know, 15 years ago, so I just wanted to ensure that, like, I wasn't going to have any kind of issues with my company name.
Deborah [00:07:11]:
Thank you. So I'm curious now. I know you were a Bay area girl to begin with and you're in Atlanta now. And I'm just kind of curious, like, how, how is that?
Marla [00:07:27]:
Well, very different. Right. So I grew up in the, in Sacramento and San Francisco, and then I came to Atlanta for graduate school, and I stayed there for actually about 14 years, and I still own property there, but I fell in love, moved to Florida in 2018. And so, you know, the majority of my stuff is here in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. And, but I do go back and forth to Atlanta a lot. I was just in Atlanta for a couple of weeks not too long ago. I'm there pretty often. So a lot of people, even friends that I had, they didn't even know that I moved out of the state.
Marla [00:08:06]:
So I just kind of like, but, yeah, so I've been here in South Florida for, since 2018, but moving from California, which is northern California, which is like a super hippie place, right? Like, we were, I'm very, very crunchy, very hippie, very, we were very, very progressive right. In San Francisco back then. And, you know, moving to the south, I was like, wow, this is wild. It's sort of like, it felt for me, like, almost like ten years behind, you know what I mean, of California. And for that, I was like, what is happening here in the south that is keeping people, what's keeping people from moving forward? Well, a lot of it is sexual shame. A lot of it is religious trauma. A lot of it is being afraid to be authentic because of these southern identity tropes, such as the southern gentlemen, such as the southern bell, and all of the respectability politics that go with being in the south of what you should and shouldn't do, how you should and shouldn't behave, how, you know, all of these different things. So it was very much a, a rude awakening because when you've grown up in California, you're like, what are people doing in the rest of the country? Because you just feel like, you know, as a, as a egotistic californian, you're like, this is the best place.
Marla [00:09:53]:
I can't possibly think any place is greater than this place. And so, you know, it was definitely, like I said, a rude awakening. But what it, it did allow me to do, being in the south, is the fact that I could make a bigger difference here is the fact that I could wake more people up to understanding their own, you know, shame, stigma, and then thinking about their own pleasure, their own joy, how to be more sexually liberated and how to live out loud of who they are. I remember coming to Atlanta, and I had a Mohawk, I think, at the time, and I remember people being like, what is that? Why do you wear that hair? Like, what? Like, they just did not get me. And I realized it was just because everybody is so used to copying everybody else. Like, again, there's just these tropes that people are copying instead of being very different. And I think when you are in California, you could see, you can look at everybody, and everybody is just very different and how they display, whereas a lot of people in the south very much look very similar. So there's something to be said around expression and how people are navigating their own authenticity and expression, especially as it pertains to sexual liberation.
Deborah [00:11:26]:
Yeah. And so talking about making a difference, can you talk a little bit about sex down south?
Marla [00:11:33]:
Absolutely. Absolutely. So, you know, sex down south was born from, you know, I was going to all of these sex conferences, and they were really boring and very white and very. Just like, you know, I was very much tokenized in a lot of places, and it was very. Just, like, bland. And I was like, I want to do my own sex conference. And Tia and I, my business partner for Sextown south, we had been doing my birthday parties for a couple of years before we decided to start the conference. And at my birthday parties, you know, I had a carnival, and I had an empowering the pussy party and no pants prince party, you know, like, all sorts of really fun things where I'd have, like, 200 people, like, at my house.
Marla [00:12:23]:
And so it was one of these things where, like, oh, wait a minute, like, let's turn this into something bigger. And that's exactly, you know, what we did. So we found some mentors to help us navigate how to run a conference, like at a hotel and all of those things. And we really wanted to emphasize that this is a place that centered black and brown folks, bIPOC folks, queer, trans, non binary folks, folks who are disabled folks who are sex workers, folks who are in alternative sexual relationships, LGBTQIA, like, all the things like, folks who normally don't get centered, especially at sex conferences during this time. It's a little different now, but ten years ago, when we started the conference, or eleven years ago we started the conference, it was. It was very much like, not that. So we were like, where can we find sexual liberation? Where can our people feel free and be themselves. And so we wanted.
Marla [00:13:36]:
I'm an educator, and Tia's more of an enthusiast, right. So it loves to, like, sexually explore, and I love to educate and, of course, explore, but it was like we kind of molded these two worlds together to ensure that that happened. And so as a healer, I wanted a healing space, so I created that. And we also had a dungeon space that came in. That probably came in maybe about five years ago. And, you know, I always wanted to have, like, on call therapists, you know, because we also center survivors, you know. So we always wanted to make sure that we were feeling as safe of a space as possible. You know, people like to say safe space, safer space, braver space, whatever the fuck you call.
Marla [00:14:21]:
Want to call it. We created a space where we felt free, liberated, and where we can go for healing when we needed it without that shame or stigma attached to us. So, yeah, that's why we created. And we're in our 10th year this year, so it's our ten year anniversary. I'm super proud of the progress that we have made so far. You know, we're expecting, you know, probably about 900 or more people, so we're really super excited about sds. Yeah.
Deborah [00:14:55]:
And so other than the ten year anniversary, is there a particular theme for this year, or.
Marla [00:15:01]:
Yeah, our theme this year is called red light special. So it's sort of a homage to TLC's, you know, red light special song. Oh, my gosh. It's so funny. I remember when this song was out, I was in high school, and I was just, like, giving people lap dances to this song. Like, this is wild to think about. But anyway, it's sort of a homage to sex workers and just really being like, hey, we really want to be proud of folks who are doing that work and really uplifting their voices and talking about how we either move in or move beyond. And so we are, yeah, just super excited about this year's theme.
Deborah [00:15:52]:
And I know that one of the things that you're passionate about is the business of sex, and can you talk a little bit about that?
Marla [00:16:04]:
Yeah, absolutely. So one of the things that I, you know, as a person who has had this business for a while, I just realized, like, you know, I am. I don't have an MBA. You know, a lot of us don't. And so, you know, we come into this world not knowing anything about business. So we're often, you know, doing this ourselves or seeking outside resources. But the reality is, like, even, like, my own business coach doesn't know about my industry, you know, because it's such a niche. And, you know, marketing is not the same.
Marla [00:16:39]:
It's very different. We just can't go buy Facebook ads. We just can't go and, you know, do the things that, you know, people who have non sex jobs do, you know, so. Or non sex related jobs. So it really is a niche that you have to work around. And so with my be successful, you know, coaching program, it's really a way for sex based or erotic based entrepreneurs, entrepreneurs who have adult brands to really tap in and use the tools that I have used in order to get to six figures. So it's sort of like, I basically. I basically put together this program was like, here's step one, here's step two, here's step three.
Marla [00:17:28]:
Here's all the things you need to do to get to where you need to go, um, so that you are not struggling. You don't have to do this on your own. Um, so many of us have, like, I'm gonna do it on my own. I'm gonna do it on my own. And it's just like, but you don't have to, like, someone else has already done that for you. And so, you know, now there's a few of us that are kind of coaching people here and there, but, um, yeah, for me, it's really about helping, you know, entrepreneurs who. Who deal in adult brands, who deal in sex industries to really get the business insider and establish their authority, get their systems down, and be, you know, be as productive as they want to be and live the lifestyle they want to live and have their passion of what they like to do, you know, fund their happiness. So that is what I'm about.
Deborah [00:18:30]:
Oh, I love hearing that. Would you be willing to share what step one is?
Marla [00:18:37]:
Yeah, absolutely. Step one. Step one is really about, like, defining what you want to do. Right? So defining your business, how you want to go about in your business. Right? So, for instance, there's lots of different ways to be in this industry, right? You could be a sex worker, escort. You could be a writer. There's lots of writers, lots of journalists. You could be a coach, coaching one on one.
Marla [00:19:02]:
Maybe group coaching. You could do retreats. You can. There's. There's a, you know, you could be on the pole, whatever. You can do whatever you wanted. You could do speaking gigs, right? You can do workshops, education. You can do research, you know, sex research.
Marla [00:19:21]:
So there's so many different avenues of this. So it's really about defining, like, what you are most passionate. Passionate about. And so I highly suggest doing, you know, what you feel drawn to. And my first love was research, so I came out of a research background, so that's where I first started, and then I moved on to coaching and writing. So I think, and I still do research. I still sometimes get contracted out by universities to do sex research. So, you know, I.
Marla [00:19:56]:
You still always have those, you know, skill sets, but I think defining your business, what you want to do, is. Is the solid thing to do. And so, velvet lips, that is the coaching, that is the education. Those are the workshops, things like that to help people with their sex lives, sex, intimacy, relationships, communication, all of that stuff.
Deborah [00:20:19]:
Well, and, you know, how interesting that pretty much that's the first step in having good sex as well, is figuring out what it is that you want to do and how that works for you. I'm really curious. You were saying that you kind of started in college supporting people around sex and relationships, and I'm curious, have you seen a big change in what people are asking, what they're thinking about in sex and relationship? Or is it. Is it pretty much the same?
Marla [00:20:53]:
Things are the same, like desire discrepancy, I think will always be there. Right. Like, people who are, you know, one person, if they're part of a couple, one person who has a higher desire or a libido than the other, that's usually pretty common. That I feel like that's just, you know, that just happens through time. It happens through our relationships. You go through peaks, valleys, and whatnot. So that's always going to be there. The thing that I have seen that's definitely changed a lot is the movement towards polyamory and Kink.
Marla [00:21:27]:
So I see a lot more couples engaging in kink, and Kink used to be, it was sort of a hush hush thing. You're sort of a niche community, and now it's so popular, and I think part of that is attributed to 50 shades of Grey. As much as the Kinksters hate to admit it, it did popularize kink and get more people into the bdsm and kink and leather communities. But so I think movement into kink has definitely. We've seen that increase, and we've also seen more movement into, like I said, polyamory or open relationships. So, open relationships are now not such a hush hush secret anymore. Right. There's less shame or stigma.
Marla [00:22:17]:
Um, that is, uh, that. That people are. That aren't holding on to. So I see that a lot more. So there's a lot more coaches who are helping people with opening up their relationships. There's a lot more, um, people who are helping people around Kink. There's a lot more public education out there than there has been in the past. But so far, I would say those are the two things that I've seen the most dramatic change in with regards to sexuality.
Deborah [00:22:50]:
And I know you.
Marla [00:22:51]:
Oh, and butt stuff. Everybody loves butt stuff. Everybody has been loving butt stuff. And I feel like butt stuff is also very consistent. So just, like, desire discrepancy, like, want to do butt stuff is also. Has been, like, consistent over the years.
Deborah [00:23:05]:
I love that. And people actually saying butt stuff these days. So just stepping back for a second, I know that you have a whole series around kink and race, and I'm wondering if you could talk a little bit about that and what inspired it.
Marla [00:23:23]:
Yeah, absolutely. So this was during the pandemic, and we. We. And I'm talking about Luna matatus and I. We. We meet every week and we talk and chat and hang out and whatnot. And virtually, she's in Toronto, I'm in Florida. So she.
Marla [00:23:39]:
We got to talking, and we were just finding ourselves just really upset, you know, around the George Floyd incident. It was just that and all the racism that kept popping up on, like, fetlife and, you know, other social media forums. We were just like, what is happening in the world? Like, what is going on? And so we really, we were like, we should do a series about race and kink and all the different intersections that people have. Like, people need to know that folks of color are out here and we're doing kinky shit. And, like, we can. Let's talk about how all the kinky shit is intersecting with all of our identities and what that means to us. How did we get over maybe the shame or stigma or did we even have it in the first place? Or. And we just tried to educate people on what's happening sort of in the world and.
Marla [00:24:33]:
And what kinds of kinks people can get into. Right? Because there's all sorts of amazing kinks. And so that is. Is definitely was one of our goals for the racing Kink series. So we ended it. Ended up winning an asact award for that, for a live web series. So, yeah, that's raceandkink.com. and so, yeah, we just have talks.
Marla [00:24:55]:
So we've talked everybody from Midori to, you know, jet setting Jasmine and king Noir to Molina Williams Haas to, you know, Jack Thompson, you know, lots of leaders, lots of winners of leather titles. We've talked everything about, you know, Shabari and rote bondage, to race play, to wet and messy, to ABDL, adult baby diaper lover, you know, to like, all sorts of things that folks of color are doing that people aren't talking about.
Deborah [00:25:29]:
So hot. Thank you for that.
Marla [00:25:32]:
Yeah, absolutely.
Deborah [00:25:34]:
I want to pivot just a hair because I really want to get into flirtation and seduction and foreplay. And I know one of the things that I often see with my clients is especially people who have been in long term relationships, like, they've sort of forgotten how to seduce each other and how to flirt with each other. And I'm curious if you know where your, where it started with the book and how you interact with your clients around flirtation and seduction these days.
Marla [00:26:13]:
Yeah, absolutely. So I always tell people, you know, there's a difference between flirtation and seduction. Right? Like, flirtation is very much fun. You can do it. It's not directed towards anybody. It's just for fun. Whereas seduction is very much goal oriented. Right.
Marla [00:26:30]:
And so I was reading, the way that I got into it is that I was reading the art of seduction by Robert Greene. And then I was thinking about the learning styles, and I was like, holy shit. I was like, this is the way that people get seduced. And so I came up with the seduction learning styles. And I had been teaching that for many, many years. And it wasn't until just sex with Doctor Jess. Doctor Jess came up to me and was just like, you need to be like, you know, this publisher approached me about this book. She's like, but you and I should do this book together.
Marla [00:27:03]:
So we ended up writing this book together. The ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay. And it. It's surrounded. It has my sexual theory in there, which is the seduction learning styles and her sexual theory around the core erotic feeling and the elevated erotic feeling. And so with the seduction learning styles, it's basically a way of saying, hey, we are all different in the sense of how we like to be turned on. A lot of it is based visually, auditorily or tactile. Right.
Marla [00:27:34]:
Kinesthetically. So through touch. So either through vision, through hearing, or through touch. Right. Is the majority. Now, what are the things that are, that you need to do to help your partner be emotionally ready for a sexual experience? Right. So, for instance, if your lover is visual, you know, number one thing that you need to do is have eye contact, right? Having eye contact is super important for someone who is visual. Now, you know, there are people as being like, okay, you know what? What if you're neurodivergent? Well, eye contact may not be the only thing, right? There's other things there.
Marla [00:28:14]:
It's other aspects. Maybe it's your outfit. Um, maybe. I always say, like, visual people, they love shiny things, right? Like me, you can tell I'm visual because I got all the shiny things, right, all the. All the accessories. So it's like, these are the people that get turned on visually. So you need to tap into their needs, right. You need to make sure the space is tidy.
Marla [00:28:37]:
You need to make sure that you're telling a story, because these are my daydreamers, right? That they need to imagine the story. You need to be visual. When it comes to auditory, these are my people who say, oh, I love a good conversation. So if you find that to be you, most likely you might be auditory, because you love to hear yourself talk. And so you love it when somebody's asking you questions, right? So you're loving someone asking you questions, giving you feedback, doing a lot of active listening, and then you're throwing back some really great vocabulary words or some long syllable words or something that they. That they're interested in, right? You're using the fluctuations in your voice, in your tone, and how you speak. Like, all of these things are magnetic to auditory people. And then, you know, you think about, like, somebody who's tactile, right? This is touch.
Marla [00:29:32]:
So these are people who generally like to. Like to move. I like to say, like, a lot of times, these are, like my athletes. Like, hands on, maybe like to dance, like to learn things by touching, moving. Those people tend to be more tactile, so you're going to allure them by, you know, maybe it's the things you wear and having. Wanting them, you know, like, ooh, let me see those earrings. I want to touch, right? They want to touch different textures, you know, putting their hands or your. Their body parts.
Marla [00:30:02]:
I'm sorry. Yeah, their body parts on your body parts. You know, like, all of those different things are ways that people are drawn to you or seduced by you. So, yeah, there's all sorts of different elements. And of course, there's olfactory, which is through the nose by smell and then by taste, of course, gustatory, seduction. There's those elements. But for the most part, the seduction learning styles is based on those three core senses.
Deborah [00:30:35]:
So funny hearing you say that. My partner and I, for years, he used to, like, use big words, and it's like, you know, five syllables or more. Was. Was. You know, that was. That was the sign. Was five syllables or more.
Marla [00:30:54]:
Nice. You have to watch a movie called Threesome. If you haven't watched it already, it's with Stephen Baldwin. It's such a good movie. And it reminds me. So what happens in the movie is that the woman who is the center of this threesome loves to have the dictionary read to her and gets really turned on by it. And it's such, so good. So, yeah, you have to check it out.
Deborah [00:31:23]:
Oh, my God, that's so good. I mean, I'm not exactly sure about the dictionary, but one of the things my partner does to sort of, you know, maybe he is seducing me when I. When he does that anyway, is, you know, he'll read to me when I'm. When I'm doing the dishes or when I'm doing things. And it's just like that. That closeness, that hearing his voice and, you know, and he's really good at it. So he uses all of the different voices and everything. Anyway, love it.
Marla [00:31:57]:
I love it. And that's one thing I actually do talk about, too, is, like, you have to know your own sexual assets, right? So even if you may not necessarily be good at eye contact, maybe there's something else that you can do that can help your lover be emotionally connected to you. So understand what your own sexual assets are and how to use them, you know, to your. Use them in the best way possible to. To ensure you'll have a good time.
Deborah [00:32:26]:
Can you talk a little bit more about the difference between, say, seduction and foreplay?
Marla [00:32:35]:
Yeah. So, yes and no, right? So in the book, we talk about, like, hey, you know, seduction and foreplay are essentially the same thing, right? We tend to think, especially, like, cis heterocouples tend to think, like, foreplay is oral sex before the p and the v. Right. And that really isn't the case. We say seduction and foreplay, they're the same thing. And they start way, way before your two bodies hit or however many bodies hit. You know what I mean? Like, you want to start planting those sex seeds way ahead of time. So that means you are paying attention.
Marla [00:33:19]:
You are helping them alleviate whatever stressors they have. You are doing the things necessary in order for them to shed the brakes, letting them and having their guard down so that they can be emotionally ready to have that, to have sex. So, yeah, super important to understand that. Yeah, we need that foreplay, that seduction, it's one and the same to us. It's one and the same. And it starts, you know, I like to say it starts a week ahead of time. You know what I mean? Research says couples are having sex at least once a week, generally. So if once a week is the thing, hey, let's start a week ahead of time so we can, you know, make sure we get to where we need to go by the time this week is up.
Deborah [00:34:16]:
You know, it's funny hearing you say that. One of the big complaints that I hear a lot from couples is that they don't want to do date night because they don't want it to be. They want it to be spontaneous. And then I'm like, well, let's. Let's break this down for a minute. Like, when you were dating, you know, it might be, you might make the date on Tuesday, but the date doesn't happen until Friday. So you've got all that time in between to be thinking about it, to be, you know, so that the fact that, like, maybe you open the door, he pulls you in, you're on the floor before, you know, words are exchanged. That's not spontaneous because you've been thinking about that for four days.
Marla [00:34:58]:
Right? Right. Yeah. It's very fascinating because when people say, like, they want sex to be spontaneous, I remember I had a therapist that was like, you know, oh, well, it should be, you know, spontaneity, because it, you know, if you plan it, then it, like, it's boring. I'm like, no. Do you remember those booty calls you used to make? Like those were plans, you know, you used to be like, okay, we are hooking up on this date, or we are going out this time, and you are looking forward to that date, to that time, and you are making things happen in the meantime to make it happen. So, yeah, when people say, like, oh, spontaneous. And I'm like, yeah, that was probably cool in your twenties. But, like, as we get older and we have, like, more responsibilities, more needs, spontaneity is not.
Marla [00:35:50]:
Is probably not going to cut it because we just have more and more stressors that we didn't have in the past. So. So I encourage people to look beyond and say, like, hey, there are really great. That's where the seduction comes in, right? Because you can actually play, like, hey, what is the thing that I'm going to do on Monday to entice my lover? Because I know when Saturday comes, like, the panties, the pants are dropping, right? Like, I am going to get in it, but I have to do something on Monday. I got to do some on Tuesday. I got to do some on Wednesday. I got to do some on Thursday and Friday to get these pennies to drop on Saturday. You know what I mean? So that is, I think that's just so important.
Marla [00:36:36]:
Yeah. To think about, like, let's plan. And even if one person thinks it's spontaneous, that's enough. Like, if that person's like, I love spontaneity. Well, you could be the person that plans and be like, well, I plan on doing this, but you don't have to tell them the plan and they could just be spontaneous to them.
Deborah [00:36:54]:
I love that. It makes me think of, I had this client who was, he's an engineer, very much in his head, very rigid, and his version of spontaneity was he had these dice and he would roll the dice, and one dice had to do with the date that he was going to do the thing and the other had to do with the thing. So it was like, I think it was like flowers, chocolate.
Marla [00:37:20]:
Oh, cool.
Deborah [00:37:21]:
Yeah. And that was his version of being spontaneous because it wasn't his natural way of being. And I just love that.
Marla [00:37:31]:
Yeah, I love when people put in, like, formulas and tools to help them become better lovers, you know what I mean? Because that is the thing that's going to keep them fresh, you know?
Deborah [00:37:45]:
Absolutely. What are some of the most common problems that people come to you for these days? And actually, let's start with couples and then I'll ask you about singles.
Marla [00:37:56]:
Yeah. With couples these days, I think it's a lot of desire discrepancy where one person wants to explore, do a lot of things. The other person is content and what the situation is and is just lack of a better word, is just comfortable and doesn't want to do any kind of variability to their sexual experiences. So that's what couples and like non monogamy. So I would say non monogamy is definitely a topic right now for my couples and exploratory. Being exploratory.
Deborah [00:38:38]:
And do you find with the non monogamy, is it folks that are wanting to start non monogamous relationships or they've been in relationship and they want to.
Marla [00:38:49]:
Open it usually to start. So making sure they have the foundation necessary to start a non monogamous relationship because a lot of them just don't. Right. People just kind of want to jump in like, oh, let's just go to the Swingers Club and see what happens. Like, no, that's probably not a good idea. So I kind of make sure that they are doing the reading necessary. The stuff necessary. That's, yeah.
Marla [00:39:18]:
Important for them to, you know, get stuff done or to ensure that they are. Yeah. Setting the foundation for their, for their experience. So.
Deborah [00:39:35]:
There'S so many good resources out these days. I mean, back in the day, it was the ethical slut.
Marla [00:39:43]:
Yeah, ethical slut opening up by Tristan Tiramino.
Deborah [00:39:47]:
So. But I mean, and those are still great books. It's just, that was it.
Marla [00:39:53]:
Yeah. Now we have a lot more, right? We have lots of polyamory books. We have loves not colorblind. We have polysacure by Jessica Fern. We have. There's some polyamory notebooks. I know Kate Kincaid had a polyamory journal. More than two.
Marla [00:40:13]:
There's. There's a lot of. I think Doctor Liz Powell has one, too. I think it's, gosh, I can't even remember now what the name of it is. I feel bad. I'm like, where is it?
Deborah [00:40:30]:
The beauty of all of these different books and all these different ways to do it is because it's like, like everything else, there's no one way to do it right. Everything from, you know, negotiated don't ask, don't tell, you know, kitchen table where everybody's involved and everything in between. So it can be, you know, a fun and confusing ride. So it's really good to have someone support you and as you said, you know, starting that journey with the foundation that you need. What about for your singles? What do people.
Marla [00:41:13]:
Yeah, for my singles, usually it's just about, like, honing in to their own desires and figuring out what they. What they want. A lot of my singles tend to, like, they want to go into a relationship, but just don't have the foundation for themselves. So, like, figuring out what their own values are, thinking about, how they want to move with, like, bigger relationship issues. So things like, do you want to have children, or do you want to have someone with children? How do you, you know, thinking about, like, different social institutions. You want to get married or not? What are your relationship style? You know, all of these different aspects of life and quality of life that affect your sexual health. You want to be able to be on the right page for yourself and for whomever you get with. So for my singles, it's a lot of times reconnecting with their own desire, with their own values, and getting the skill set right, because sex is a skill.
Marla [00:42:20]:
So getting their skill sets in place so that they can be ready and prepared for, you know, the next lover or lovers that pop into their life.
Deborah [00:42:29]:
Awesome. So in a moment, I'm going to ask you, you know, we've had a great wandering conversation, which is just the way I like it. And I'm curious if you had one thing that you really wanted people to walk away with. What might that be? And while you're thinking about that, I'm just going to let people know how they can support the better sex podcast. Because, you know, sex is a complex subject and it can make or break a relationship. Unfortunately, most of us don't grow up in an environment we're talking about sex as welcome. And that's why I created the relationship lab. Let's face it, a podcast, even as good as this one, is not enough.
Deborah [00:43:12]:
You need tips, you need tools, and you need practice. So if you're ready for tips, tools and exercises so that you can learn how to be a better lover, then please check out the show notes, because life is way too short for bad sex. So thank you. So on that note, I'm curious, like, what is it that you want people to walk away from this conversation knowing?
Marla [00:43:41]:
Yeah, I think try everything at least three times. And if you still don't like it, come back to it ten years later and try it again. That's what I would suggest. Just because, you know, our bodies change, things change, honest change. We evolve, we change. So I think it's important to just try things, try them at least three times. A big athlete. So I'm like, you know, if it's three strikes, yeah, then you're out.
Marla [00:44:08]:
But then, you know, come back to it, come back to the game, you know, a few years later, ten years later or whatever, try it again. It might be a little bit different and you might, you know, there might be more pleasure in it for you. So that it would be, my advice for people is just to say yes and to try it because, you know, the behavior is the thing that's going to lead us to the pleasure and joy that we deserve.
Deborah [00:44:33]:
Ah, so good. I love that three times. So where do people find you?
Marla [00:44:41]:
You can find me on all social media at Velvet Lips sex ed. That's sex without the e, except for on TikTok. Then it is velvet lip sex ed just because. Whatever. But you can go on my website, velvetlips sex. And you can, yeah, you can reach me, you can email me at get tips velvetlipssed.com. and yeah, that's where you can find me. You can find the conference@sexdownsouth.com you can also check out raceandkink.com.
Marla [00:45:11]:
and if you're like, oh my God, all of these dot coms, you can go just to Marlarene stewart.com and it has all of those things, including links to the university where I teach as well.
Deborah [00:45:23]:
Beautiful and I highly recommend that you get on her email list because lots of good stuff. She's always doing incredible things, really enjoying the Instagram and yeah. So check her out. And thank you again, Marla, for being a guest here. I'm so excited to have you. And for those of you that are listening, if this conversation hit a note where you, you or somebody you know might want to share it with a friend. So to help get the word out, Deshame, bring more sex positivity into the world. And, yeah, other than that, like subscribe, comment wherever you get your podcasts and talk to you on the next on the next podcast.