Tools to Make Sex Talks Easy with Dr. Evelin Dacker
In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I chat with Sexologist and Educator Dr. Evelin Molina Dacker about the power of open conversations around sexual health at every stage of life. She gets real about her own journey—breaking free from societal expectations and redefining what pleasure looks like, especially through menopause.
During this conversation, Dr. Eveline shares her simple but powerful STARS framework to help guide open and shame-free discussions around intimacy. We discuss how this tool can help anyone—whether single or partnered—navigate important conversations about sex with ease and confidence.
Along the way, we dive into the emotional and physical changes that come with aging, the surprising joys of this new chapter, and how shifting cultural attitudes are making space for deeper, more honest conversations about desire. We chat about how embracing these changes can lead to greater intimacy and confidence rather than fear or uncertainty.
This episode is a reminder that talking about sex shouldn’t be awkward—it should be empowering. You’ll walk away with fresh insights on how to communicate your desires, navigate changes with confidence, and embrace pleasure at any stage of life
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Deborah [00:00:04]:
All right, welcome back to the Better Sex Podcast. My name is Deborah Cat and I am your shameless host. This podcast is where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationship. These conversations are frank and explicit and may not be appropriate for all audiences. So please listen with care. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part to create a safe and sexy world, please hit like, subscribe and leave a comment. Today we are going to dive into the world of my Guest, Eveline Dacher, M.D.
Deborah [00:00:48]:
she is a Mexican American family physician specializing in sexuality, menopause, and sexual health. She promotes an open conversation about sex, pleasure and consent through a somatic and trauma informed lens. She is the creator of the Stars Talk, a safer sex framework centering around communication to enhance the quality of relationships and sexual awareness and to elevate consent. And I'm going to add in pleasure because that's been a big part of our conversation. So, so welcome. I am so, so pleased to have you here. Welcome, welcome.
Eveline Dacher [00:01:32]:
Thank you so much. I'm excited to talk with you as well.
Deborah [00:01:36]:
Thank you. And I mean, first question, how. How did you get here? How did sex and consent and, and pleasure all come together for you?
Eveline Dacher [00:01:46]:
Oh, wow. A really long journey of, you know, losing my own sexuality and not understanding why, and through the deconstruction of, like, why am I not enjoying sex the way all my friends enjoy it? What's wrong with me? And then knowing, like, oh my gosh, I'm going to be menopausal and it's all going to go away. And at that point, I kind of had an idea of, like, do I just say, fine, I don't like sex, Menopausal happen. I have a good excuse? Or do I want to actually recognize that I want to liberate my sexuality? And so at that point, I chose to go down that path of really working it, like, liberating my sexuality. And, you know, when you talked about shame free, that is such a big part of what I. How what got me here is really recognizing how much shame we have and how much we give control of our sexuality to others and what we need to reclaim that back. Especially as a person who was raised as a woman in a patriarchal society.
Deborah [00:03:07]:
So I hear that often, but I'm wondering if you could break that down. Like, what does it mean to be a sexually active woman in. In a patriarchal culture?
Eveline Dacher [00:03:19]:
Well, you know, that's a really good question, especially because, like, that word patriarchy is so loaded with like, you know, it's just a lotus statement. What does even patriarchy mean? Because it doesn't mean that men are better or women are better or when, you know, it really means that, like some. I think that the way that sexuality is determined for women is determined from this lens that places the male sexual pleasure primary. And for me, it was so much about responding to what they wanted, like what my partner wanted. And I began to only have pleasure by making sure my partner was having pleasure and not necessarily what I wanted. When I started, there was only one place that I enjoyed being touched, and that was, like, right here in my collarbone. Like every place else, I just didn't have any pleasure. And it was like, what is wrong with me? I didn't even know the way I like to be touched, really, about discovering that.
Eveline Dacher [00:04:23]:
And. And a lot of my stars talk what I developed this framework. A lot of it was developed through my own exploration and deconstruction and trying to figure out what is it that I like and then being able to communicate that to others.
Deborah [00:04:39]:
Thank you. So it sounds like what you're saying is the story that you grew up with was that pleasure wasn't necessarily for you, or if it was, it was after your partner's pleasure. Did I. Did I get that right?
Eveline Dacher [00:04:53]:
Yeah, yeah. And it was not, like, sold to me in those words, but just energetically and just the way I was raised Catholic, from a Mexican mother, you know, so my sexual pleasure was always like something I wasn't supposed to talk about or act on or discuss.
Deborah [00:05:13]:
Yeah. I think, you know, one of the things that I. Like this or that I've been noticing around when we talk about the. The culture of sexuality is it's really a culture for many of us about. It's very transactional. Right. It's introduced in the transactional way. You know, for many people, you know, for many of us socialized as women, it's like this.
Deborah [00:05:35]:
You know, our virginity is the prize and, you know, our sexual submission, our sexual, you know, it's to be traded for protection and, you know, marriage and all of these other things. And I think we're at a really interesting time right now because it's like, you know, as women, we're starting to have more power. We're starting to have more understanding. You know, the men that I work with are certainly much more interested in, you know, the power of the women that they're with and also their pleasure. And so I'm curious if that's something that you're noticing in your. In your Practice at all, you know, a little bit.
Eveline Dacher [00:06:22]:
So I notice it in my social realm. You know, I definitely notice a lot more conversations with men who are actually like, wait, this doesn't always work for me. How do I, how do I show up for you? Right. And, and then people that I'm teaching my stars talk to, you know, it's not just women, it's men wanting to hear men wanting to also communicate, women. So I definitely see the cultural shift for some of us. I mean, I think there's also the whole traditional wife, there's the whole very conservative Christian, you know, culture too, that I'm not speaking to. But you know, in a, more in a world, especially for so many women come going through menopause, I mean, I really find that transition incredibly empowering because, like me, I do have a lot of patients who come to me and are like, I have no libido. What's wrong with me? How do I get it back? Or you know, and, and then concerned about it.
Eveline Dacher [00:07:24]:
And other patients who come to me and are like, oh no, I'm glad I have an excuse now. So all of it, I really, I understand because I was right there with them. And so men, you know, men don't come to me. Some men come to me about libido, but then it's not really the same conversation as I have with women.
Deborah [00:07:44]:
Well, so I'm curious, you know, since we started talking about menopause, can you actually tell, you know, like, for, for people who aren't sure what it is? Because it's a word that we use a lot and I don't find it's often actually defined. Would you kind of tell us what it, what?
Eveline Dacher [00:08:01]:
Yeah, well, the actual term menopause means no period. And it's not actually not. It's like one day of your life and it's a day of your life where you haven't had a menstrual cycle for one year now. Some women hysterectomies, some women have IUDs. You know, there's a lot of times when you don't know when that is, but there's a whole transition which could, you could be anywhere from like 5 to 15 years where our hormones stop going through that beautiful up and down pattern, a 28 day pattern, into something that becomes chaos. I, I kind of like to refer to it as like puberty in reverse. So, you know, that whole perimenopausal period could just make you feel a little crazy. It could bring out like those PMS that you've had, but almost exacerbate it.
Eveline Dacher [00:08:53]:
And I think that this in some ways really promotes us going through this passage to really sit down and, and ask like, what is it that I want for the rest of my life? Are these things that I tried so hard, does it really matter? You know, is it okay that I let my hair go gray? You know, it's okay. Is it okay that I have wrinkles? Can't I have. Could I still be a sexual human even if I don't have that perfect body of a 30 year old? So, so many times all those hot flashes, all those night sweats, the sleeplessness, which are horrible and they can, you know, be helped with hormones or other ways, but they're also like, you get hot because you're probably pissed off for a reason. You know, you can't sleep because maybe there's a reason that's keeping you awake. Your anxiety gets worse. Well, maybe that's because the state of the world or the state of your relationship or your life is not where you want it to be. Now I'm not saying that causes hot flashes and night sweats and all that awfulness, but sometimes our body gives us some, some signals for things to take care of and some signals to think about. You know, for me, this whole thing with my, my change in my life started during my perimenopause.
Eveline Dacher [00:10:15]:
My kids didn't need me as much. I was in a long term relationship and I was like, what is wrong? Why am I having these really heavy bleeding? Why am I not wanting sex? Like what is going on? And it really made me question everything in my life, including my relationship. And that was the hard one. You know, I, it's funny, I just want to say I've heard this being said that HRT hormone replacement therapy really stands for husband replacement therapy. Because times and I've seen this, a lot of women in their 40s tend to like be like, oh, this isn't the relationship I signed up for for the rest of my life. It might have been the relationship I signed up for to have a family and children and, and get me here, but it's not what I wanted for the rest of my life. So sometimes during this like period, it causes us to question ourselves and possibly take a look at our lives and for many really get into our bodies and get into, back into our sexuality and claim that and not believe that story that just because we're older and we can't have babies that we're no longer sexual, that we're no longer desirable. Because really that's not, that's not a story that makes sense anymore.
Deborah [00:11:36]:
So it kind of makes me curious. I know we were talking a little bit before we hopped on, but you were talking a little bit about a menopause retreat. And what, what does that look like?
Eveline Dacher [00:11:49]:
Ah, it was amazing. So we had 11 women and they were really, we called it Journey into the Wild Woman. And it was about reclaiming your authentic self. It's about going the perimenopausal journey to reclaim your, your, your essence, uninhibited essence that we all have. And the women were there from like 42 to 71. So it really spanned a big age range. Women were there who were on hormones or questioning it or trying to do things naturally and really wanted information, but they also wanted sisterhood. And I found that that was so important.
Eveline Dacher [00:12:33]:
One of the things that, so I after, you know, this was a multi day retreat, so this didn't happen right away. I led them into a meditation journey, an exploration of what their vulvas look like. Because many women don't realize that our vulvas change as we go through menopause. And, and we're so disconnected from our sexuality and we're so disconnected from our own genitalia that just looking at ourselves is a almost radical act. Like when I tell my patients, oh yeah, I had, I had people looking at themselves, they're like, oh my God, I don't think I could do that. And I'm like, yeah, I create, you know, when you're in a safe container and if the container is held well, yes, you can do that. And so really this retreat was about reclaiming that and reclaiming like if you could be a goddess, what kind of goddess would you be? What would be your man? Are you, you know, wanting to show up with in the world? And that's really how we get into this like wild woman archetype that we all hold deep inside of us. And how the menopausal journey is, can be the, the catalyst for this.
Deborah [00:13:53]:
Yeah, I was definitely hearing the word catalyst opening. So, and, and then just to be really clear, because you use the word vulva and I know some of my listeners are familiar, some of them aren't. Can you just break it down real quick?
Eveline Dacher [00:14:11]:
Yeah, so the best way I could break it down is thinking about like a women's genitalia. The vulvas, the face, it's what you see, right? So it's the labia, it's the lips, it's where the clitoris is deeper in, you know, is the mouth. Like the mouth, we could say that. And that's the area where the, your, where the vagina enters and the urethra exits, like where you pee from. And then the vagina would be kind of like your mouth and throat. So the vagina is the canal, but the external areas is the vulva.
Deborah [00:14:44]:
Thank you. I know sometimes, you know, people use that word interchangeably and I, I love, first of all, I really like the word and I like being more precise. So which makes, you know, I have the question, since you're a doctor, I'm going to ask like, so what are some of the things that we should be asking our medical professionals about? And I'm going to ask that from, from the, you know, from the female bodied and also from the male bodied. Like what? I saw a meme, something about, you know, make it natural to start asking men about their, their reproductive health. And I love that because that's definitely something, a conversation I have with, with, with my clients around. Like, you know, as we have more autonomy and you know, control over this, there's a certain confidence that comes with it. So what are some of the things that people should be asking their, their health providers?
Eveline Dacher [00:15:45]:
Well, you know, I'll just say that as a healthcare provider, I'm the one who usually opens the discussion because I think especially with men, men have, I know I'm a female provider, so you know, I think men might sometimes feel a little inhibited to bring things up. So I often am the one and I ask about pleasure, I ask about how's your pleasure, how's your intimate life? So I don't use words like are you having erectile dysfunction? You know, I ask about like, are they getting the pleasure? They, and I ask everybody this, Are you having the pleasure you want to have? Are you having the sex you want have, Are you having any pain or discomforts or what are the changes so that, you know, if you have a provider that's really comfortable, this is what they'll ask you. I have to say probably 99% of providers aren't going to go in that direction. So what do you do? Okay, so if you are a male bodied person, I think it's really important to bring up any changes that you've noticed. Like, oh, I noticed that I have to pee more and I'm getting up at night more to go urinate or I notice that my erections don't stay as long as I would like them to, or I notice that I'm feeling muscularly weaker and Fatigued, that could, that could be a sign of low testosterone is fatigue and weakness. And, and you know, sometimes the first place you notice something going wrong like high blood pressure or diabetes for a man may be in their erections. Like all of a sudden you're not having erect because you're having high blood pressure or high blood sugars. So saying that to your provider is really important.
Eveline Dacher [00:17:36]:
I know it's hard sometimes to talk about that, especially if a provider is a female. I get that. But we are professionals and this is our job. And you know, then there's also issues that may be more challenging to bring up, like premature, you know, ejaculation. Yeah, your doctor's probably not going to know what to do about that, but you could always ask your doctor for guidance and who could, who could help them with something like that? For a female bodied person, you know, noticing and bringing up if you're starting to have dryness, if you need to use more lubricant, if you, in, when you're having sex or just in general, if you notice that you're having more pain and discomfort. One should not have pain during intercourse. You know that it just, our bodies are made to not have pain during intercourse. So if you're having pain during intercourse, that is something that really should be addressed with your provider.
Eveline Dacher [00:18:34]:
And you know, other things is of course the whole menopause. Poor sleep, hot flashes, irritability, irregular bleeding, breast tenderness, feeling like your moods are all over the place and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you that is just normal and you can't, we can help you with that. A good provider can help you with that.
Deborah [00:18:55]:
You know, I'm, I'm curious like hearing you say that. What words of wisdom might you have for the partner of somebody who is noticing changes and you know, in their partner, like what words of wisdom might.
Eveline Dacher [00:19:14]:
You give them if they're, you know, and I do, I have some male partners, you know, and again, because I ask especially during their physicals, like how is your intimate life? Are you getting, how's your pleasure? And I do have my, some of my men are like, oh my God, no. My like wife just doesn't want retouch, she's cranky, blah, blah, blah. And then I do like I tell them, well this might be going on, there may be menopause and there's some help for that. She can get help for that. So you might just want let her know that you talk to your doctor and you know, maybe she should get help from her Physician on that. If it's a female who comes in and is like, wow, like my partner's libido is just really not good, what do I do? Or he's having more issues, you know, Then, you know, I also say, well, this could be a medical condition and really should be looked at to rule that out. If everything is normal, then you have to go a little deeper, as I'm sure you know, into the relational part. Like what's going on relationally with them.
Eveline Dacher [00:20:16]:
Because it's amazing. Sometimes people have no libido and then they have a new partner and woo. It's right up there from where it used to be when they were 16. So sometimes it's relational too.
Deborah [00:20:27]:
And speaking of new partners, that seems like a really good place to start talking about the STARS conversation. So what is it and when is it? When's a good time to start the conversation?
Eveline Dacher [00:20:41]:
Well, the STARS framework, as I said, I developed it as I was recognizing my own sexuality and becoming more sexually aware. I, I went to this talk once by this sex educator, Reed Mahalko, who talks about like the safer sex elevator speech. And There was like 19 different things, but I was blown away by it. I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. Why doesn't everybody do this? I have to teach this to every single person I know, including all my patients. And I went home and tried to write everything down and it was like too much. So I distilled it into five topics and the acronym is stars, so it's easier to remember. The first one is safety.
Eveline Dacher [00:21:26]:
And this is what I believe is like the basis of any healthy relationship, whether it's a hookup or leaning into a long term relationship or you're already in a relationship is like, do you know what safety does? What safety means to you? Do you know how your body feels when it's safe? What makes you safe? Like, what do you need to feel safe in yourself and with another person? So like a lot of the these questions we have to look, think about for ourselves and then be like, oh, I know that I like for me, I know that I need my partners not to be drunk. When I'm with a person who's intoxicated, I don't feel safe anymore. So I, that's part of my STARS talk. I tell people, like, I don't feel safe if somebody's intoxicated. So if you need to drink or want to drink alcohol, maybe we're not a good fit. And that just one. So the first S is safety. Because really that's the foundation for everything.
Eveline Dacher [00:22:26]:
You can't have good sex if you don't feel safe, right? The second one is turn ons or the things that we like. Like what turns us on, what turns us on a relationship, what turns us on sensually, what turns us on sexually, what turns us on intellectually, spiritually. I mean there's so, it's so deep and rich. But like I learned that I like to be touched a certain way and if I don't make that clear to my partners, then I'm playing this weird game with them when I'm in bed with them, trying to teach them by then, you know, I just much rather front load the conversation and then figure it out, you know, so turn ons, it was like what you like, are you into kink? Are you into role playing? Are you into vanilla sex? Are you into like what do you enjoy? And, and it could change with different people in different periods of life. So that's the T. The T is the things you like. The A is our avoids. And so these are our boundaries, these are the things that we don't want.
Eveline Dacher [00:23:28]:
These are the things that may trigger some trauma. These are the things that, you know what, let me tell you upfront that this is a boundary and this is important that you respect it so that we could learn attunement for each other. Our turn on avoids are really a lot of that. And the safety, that's a lot of our consent conversation, that's I refer to as trauma attuned consent, where we're attuning to each other and we're aware of our trauma and it requires attunement, boundaries and communication. Those are my, my ABCs of it.
Deborah [00:24:11]:
And I just want to be really clear, when you say attunement, what does that mean?
Eveline Dacher [00:24:16]:
Thank you, Great question. That means that you are aware, present and responsive to yourself and to the person you're with, engaging with. I think of it like dancing, right? Like if we're partner dancing, we need to be in this flow together and we need to kind of learn. But some you have to learn it sometimes. Like you have to know, oh, when you push here in this shoulder, that means move in this direction. And oh, when I see, you know, it's that all is learning attunement. So my attunement is just being present with your own body and with somebody else's and not getting into your own self and forgetting that they're there. And that's, I feel the way we, we actually create a healthy level of consent.
Deborah [00:25:04]:
Yeah, absolutely. And I, I love that you bring into the what is going on in your body as well as your partners, because I think it's so easy to put our focus on, on our partners and lose what's happening over here.
Eveline Dacher [00:25:19]:
So that's, you know, so the first three part of the stars talk is really about creating consent and communication and understanding boundaries and, and, and figuring out what you like. So then the R is, is actually maybe the place that we start these conversations and that's our relationship, intentions and expectations. Or in other words, our who are we? What do we want? What are we looking for? Are we looking for a hookup? Are we looking for something long term? Are we looking for non monogamy? Like, let's just be honest with each other. Let's be honest with ourselves and say, this is what I want, this is what I want, and this is what I want with you. If we have agreements with other partners for those who are non monogamous, you know, this is a good place to bring that up into the R. And then, you know, then it's our expectations or our needs. Like, what do we, what are our needs here? What's. What do I need for after.
Eveline Dacher [00:26:16]:
After care? After sex? What do I need? Like, isn't that a great thing to talk about? Like, some people like to cuddle, Other people need to like, rush to the bathroom and pee. You know, like, and so like just saying, hey, this is the. What I need after sex is I love the concept of aftercare. And it also could be like, I need you to respond to my texts within two hours. You know, I'm just. So. There's all these little parts, like, if we just assume that world tell people or they're figuring it out and. But what if we actually have these conversations before we get naked? Like, what if we have these conversations as we're getting to know each other? Like, hey, let's have our stars talk.
Eveline Dacher [00:27:03]:
Let's make sure we just either do the bullet points or we take our time and really get to know each other and explore each of these areas. So I kind of feel oftentimes we start with that R, but rats does not sound good.
Deborah [00:27:23]:
Yeah, I was gonna ask. So it doesn't sound like. So it sounds like while we want all of the elements to be part of the conversation, that it doesn't necessarily have to follow the, you know, there's, there's no rules into how. The. How to have the conversation. So what are some of the reasons that people don't have the conversation?
Eveline Dacher [00:27:44]:
Well, then I'll go to the last S, which is probably some of the reasons either people have the conversation or don't. And that last S is sexual health and sti. And I think that we have so much stigma around sexuality that a lot of it gets placed on STI that we want to talk about it. We don't want to talk about STIs, we don't want to talk about the bad things that are going to happen. We don't want to talk about. You know, a lot of people will gloss over that. Oh, yeah, I've been tested on clean. Right.
Eveline Dacher [00:28:17]:
That's the not very good way of talking about it. I also think that it's just hard to talk about sex, especially when we have never been taught how to. And we say we're supposed to, but there's never been a framework or a way of doing it, which is what I'm hoping STARS does. I hope STARS puts a framework so people remember, oh, yeah, these are important things. And if I start talking about them, then it gets easier to talk about them. And the more people I talk about them with, it becomes easier for them to talk about it for. You know, I almost see it as a very. It just has.
Eveline Dacher [00:29:03]:
It's. It has to have a ripple effect. We're uncomfortable talking about our desires. We're uncomfortable talking about what we like. We're uncomfortable talking about any sexual health issues we may have. Like, oh, you know, I need to use lube. And one of the things that I, and I teach this to a lot of people is like, if you're a woman, if you're a person with a vagina, especially as a vagina gets older and you don't have as much estrogen, using things like spit as lubricant could actually increase the risk of bacterial infections and yeast infections. But I can't tell you how many times I have to remind somebody, no, please, here's the lube.
Eveline Dacher [00:29:45]:
Don't use that. Don't use spit. Here's a lube. So I make it very clear as part of my stars talk, and my sexual health is like, I don't. Don't use saliva. Saliva is a no. And I use lube, and I love lube. And let's be.
Eveline Dacher [00:30:00]:
Let's have. Let's normalize it. It doesn't mean, you know, it's just a part of the sexual pleasure. It increases pleasure for both of us. But a lot of people don't know how to do that. They haven't been taught. They don't. You know, it's Scary.
Deborah [00:30:15]:
Yeah. And you know, it's funny, as you're talking, I'm thinking to myself, there's so many different kinds of lubes, right. And it's super important to actually test them and kind of figure out, like, take some time and figure out what feels good and what doesn't feel good. Fortunately or unfortunately, I've gotten the opportunity as a, as a sex educator to try a lot of these things. And you know, there's, I've also noticed that sometimes I'll enjoy one kind of thing. Like for a while I was really into this lube that had a heating thing to it and then, and then I was done with it. And so, so the different. Would you say there's anything in particular that one needs to look for when they're considering lube?
Eveline Dacher [00:31:06]:
Yeah, well, I'm a very big advocate of silicone lube. High quality silicone lube because it doesn't dry out, water lube tends to dry out. And water lube could change the osmolality of the vagina and increase the risk for dryness and infection. So, you know, if you're going to go for a water based lube, make sure it's a high quality one. Don't get it in the drugstore. And I actually like, I don't like the heating ones because I feel like they could really, they have chemicals in them that aren't good for our bodies. I'm a big fan of silicone lubes.
Deborah [00:31:43]:
Okay, great, thank you. And then for, for my male listeners, I'm curious, like, so one of the things, things that I always say is it's like, you know, not all condoms are made equally in terms of size, in terms of texture. And so I invite them to, you know, test them. And I'm curious if you have any words of wisdom on, on condom choices.
Eveline Dacher [00:32:07]:
Yeah, you know, internal condoms. I, they. Have you heard of internal condoms and use them?
Deborah [00:32:15]:
Yeah, I have. It's been a while. Because. Yeah, yeah.
Eveline Dacher [00:32:19]:
So they're harder to obtain now because they have to be prescribed, unfortunately. And I won't get into that. It's. Yeah, but you can get them, you know, you can get internal condoms. They take a little bit of, you know, there's a little bit of a learning curve with them, but I find them really nice, especially with men. I prefer them because it doesn't, I find like the size. A lot of men feel better with them. That feels more natural to them.
Eveline Dacher [00:32:54]:
They don't feel like there's anything constricting them. And it, I also think it allows for a more natural sexual flow. You know, sometimes condoms are like, oh my gosh, I have it on. I have to make sure I orgasm and before I lose my erection and but yeah, I think that there's all different sorts of condoms and different sizes and explore all of the different options. But don't forget about internal condoms because internal condoms are another choice and can be quite wonderful.
Deborah [00:33:28]:
Yeah, I, I highly recommend them. I, I, it's interesting. I hadn't thought about it, but I guess the reason I stopped using them was partly because you now need a prescription for them and it hadn't, you know, I'll put that back on my list of questions to ask my, to, to, to ask my medical provider.
Eveline Dacher [00:33:47]:
Yeah, you know, you just need a prescription for it and they, it should be covered 100% by your insurance because all birth control is, and that's considered birth birth control. It's really, I'm going to just also promote. It's really, they're nice for people who are in non monogamous situations for like if there's one man with two women and if he wants to go back and forth, you know, he doesn't have to change condoms if they have an internal condom in. So there's, I mean there's ple. And also for men there, you could use them in an anus. You could use them for anal sex. I've heard of gay men who like go to the bar and they put one in and they're just walk, they just have it in there so that they're ready if they're going to have anal sex. So it's one of it, it's an option that I think is often forgotten about.
Eveline Dacher [00:34:34]:
About.
Deborah [00:34:35]:
Thank you. I hadn't, thanks for bringing it back around. Yeah. So. And in just in terms of these kinds of conversations, you know, one of the questions I had is it's like, you know, what are the kinds of thing like so one of my, one of my providers was like, oh, let's take a baseline hormone check for you. And I didn't really know what that meant. And so is that something that you do for your clients or your patients or suggest they do?
Eveline Dacher [00:35:13]:
Well, I do because a lot of people want that, they want to know what's going on and it gives information. I know the, the American Menopause Society, the iswish, which is the Institute for Sex, the Study of Sexual Women's Sexual Health and I think the United States Preventive Task Service. Nobody recommends doing baseline blood work. It's not necessary. We can't treat people just based on their symptoms. So if a woman comes in with bad hot flashes and night sweats, I'm. I really don't need to do blood work because I already know what's going on and I could just treat Reader. That being said, I often really like to get a baseline testosterone level just because sometimes people need additional testosterone and we don't think about that.
Eveline Dacher [00:36:09]:
And it's not. I like to know because again, a lot of women complain of low libido and they could use a little extra testosterone. So I often. And because I do a testosterone level baseline, I often do all the other ones so that they could be. Oh, yeah, I am in menopause. Oh, right. My estrogen is low. It just.
Eveline Dacher [00:36:29]:
Or, okay, well, it's not yet. So it just helps us, give us some information, but it's not necessary to do blood work.
Deborah [00:36:38]:
Thank you. So I wanted to come back to. We started talking a little bit about consent. We started talking a little bit about trauma. And I'm wondering, you know, yes, this is a new conversation in terms of. I mean, I really haven't seen. The consent conversation really entered into my life about five years ago. And so it's still actually, I think for many people, a new conversation.
Deborah [00:37:09]:
And I'm wondering if you could talk a little bit about the kinds of things that you want to add in. In. Into specifically consent.
Eveline Dacher [00:37:20]:
Yeah. Okay. So, you know, consent. Consent is not one conversation. Consent is not one. Ask. Consent is an ongoing communication. And if we're going to, if I'm going to use the stars talk as a model for doing this, it allows us to start that conversation from the very get go of a relationship.
Eveline Dacher [00:37:44]:
Relationship, Right. We're going to start by saying, what do you like? How do you like to be touched? How do you like to touch people? Right. I mean, the whole thing. And by actually being curious and coming and curious with oneself and curious with one another, we begin that conversation and create attunement with each other. So as I said, I call it like trauma attuned consent. So we have to have some awareness of. Of our own trauma. If we have.
Eveline Dacher [00:38:16]:
If we carry, and I'm sorry, every single person in this universe, if you're human, you carry some sort of trauma, how does that show up sexually? For some people it does. For some people it doesn't. But if it does, it's important that we address that. And then being able to understand that consent is like, if we look at the Planned Parenthood model of like, freely given, how could we really freely give our yeses and our nos if we don't understand what we really like adults, like, if we don't understand our own boundaries, if we don't understand what safety means and what safety feels like in our bodies. So, you know, thinking of the Stars Talk as a model to help guide consent conversations, as well as safer sex conversations, it just kind of is the whole package. And there's no. As I. As you mentioned before, there's no right way of doing it.
Eveline Dacher [00:39:09]:
There's no, like, oh, I. If you have to do a bullet point by bullet point, it feels too formularic. We don't want to be formularic. And. And, you know, it could be done over time, and it could even be done when you're already in a relationship. I often do my Stars talk, you know, once a year with a. I had a partner for five years, and we would do our stars every year just to be like, where are we at now? How have things changed?
Deborah [00:39:37]:
I love that idea. I've been. I've been with my partner for 24 years now, now. And certainly we are very different people than we were in the beginning. And even though I have these conversations every day, all day, having that conversation with my partner is still edgy. It's like, you know, it's so funny that, that, that, that. But it still comes up. And.
Deborah [00:40:05]:
And so I love the idea of putting, you know, of doing it on a regular basis. So I know I'm very excited that you are really branching out with the Stars conversation. And I know that you were asked to go to New York, and I wonder if you'd like to tell us a little bit about that experience.
Eveline Dacher [00:40:27]:
So one of the things that I'm really passionate with the Stars talk is to have it change culture and normalizing the conversation. So who needs this and learning it? Our youth? You know, everybody who I talk to as an adult who learns it is like, why didn't I have this when I was young? So I got invited to go to the New York Department of Health. It's like, Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. Interesting time, you know, in New York City. And I got to present this to the Teen Connections Program. So these were all the teen counselors and teen sex educators in the five boroughs of New York City. And I got to do this presentation with one of my colleagues named Courtney Braim, who is a herpes destigmatizer. So Courtney and I work together a lot because the Stars talk is one of these frameworks that could help people reduce the stigma and reduce the stigma sexuality and reduce the stigma of herpes.
Eveline Dacher [00:41:31]:
So together we went and I saw you light up when I said his name. You know him?
Deborah [00:41:35]:
Yeah, I, Well, I was checking out the summit that he, he, they. He. That he, you know, produced and you know, your collaboration there. And so really, really smart, smart guy, does great work. And, and you know, I, I love that you guys are collaborators. That's so great.
Eveline Dacher [00:42:01]:
Yeah, no, our work dovetails so well together. And I can't speak highly more highly of Courtney. He's a person with a lot of integrity and a lot of passion and yeah, it's a just overall great human.
Deborah [00:42:17]:
Beautiful. So I, I know that as. And I love that you were getting to talk to the, the, the peer counselors. And, and you know what was so.
Eveline Dacher [00:42:27]:
Exciting was as I was going doing my talk, one of them was like, hey, I just taught my teenagers, you know, this last week, like, and oh, look, the little hand goes up. I taught them that last week. And I was like, wow. So, you know, people are hearing of it and it's, it's doing something. And I really hope that someday it is taught to young adults and to teenagers and in colleges so that they don't have as hard of a time navigating this, these conversations. And I really think, like, so many the things that you hear go wrong between people. I'm like, gosh, if they only talked about things, they, that wouldn't have happened. If they only said, no, I don't want to.
Eveline Dacher [00:43:15]:
I don't want to give you a blowjob on the first date. And then, you know, afterward they're like, oh, I was forced into doing something. Well, it's because we don't talk about things we don't claim we don't. You know, I, I hope it's a way of encouraging curiosity about one another.
Deborah [00:43:32]:
I love that. And it's such a beautiful framework. So in a moment, I'm going to ask you, like, if there was one thing that you wanted people to get out of our conversation, what might that be? But I'm going to take a moment first to let people know about how they can support the better sex podcast. Because of course, you know, a podcast, even as good as this one, is probably not enough information to really create the kind of sex that you want. And that's why I offer a bedroom breakthrough session. It's personalized. It's one on one experience so that we get to discover what is holding you back. Because, as you know, my mission is to create a safer and sexier world and one of the ways that I do that is through talking to people one on one.
Deborah [00:44:23]:
So I'm really excited that there's a link in the show notes. Please check it out. And on that note I'm going to come back to come back to you and say what, what do you want people to get out of this conversation?
Eveline Dacher [00:44:41]:
You know, I really want people to get out that there is a framework out there that helps us have conversations around sexuality. And the more that we lean into communicating, the more we liberate our sex, the more we can have pleasure from it, the healthy relationships we have and the more we learn about what consent means. So I think the one thing takeaway is the Stars talk.
Deborah [00:45:09]:
Beautiful. Thank you. And where can people find more about the Stars talk? And I believe you have a book in the works. Is that accurate? It.
Eveline Dacher [00:45:18]:
Yeah. Right now, yes. People could find out more about the Stars talk at maketime for the talk.com make time for the talk you can get there. And yes, the book, right now the book is on hold because I've had a lot of other life changing things occur but hopefully in the next couple years it will be out.
Deborah [00:45:40]:
Beautiful. And on social media you are there.
Eveline Dacher [00:45:45]:
On Instagram, I am at sexmed Doc and there's also at make time for the Talk on Facebook I am at my name Evelyne Molina Dacker and you could find me there. And there's also if you want more information, more about me and my work on menopause and sexual health and pleasure as a doctor there I have it@evelyn dacker.com and I'll be opening up a health coaching practice around sexuality called Wild Woman Wellness.
Deborah [00:46:17]:
O I love all that.
Eveline Dacher [00:46:19]:
Yeah. In the new year in 2025 that'll be opened.
Deborah [00:46:23]:
Yeah. And I highly suggest people check out the Instagram lots of really interesting, fabulous information and really vulnerable shares and I just really appreciate that that so please follow her on social media and all the spots and check out the talk make time for the Talk.com and practice the talk. And you know, it's funny, I was, I was talking to, speaking of the talk, I was talking to a friend of mine and we were actually kind of going through the like what would you say in these different, different, in these different things. So and it felt really, it felt really good to actually kind of know what I was going to say before I, before I have a conversation with someone else. So anyway, back to. I really want to thank you for joining me here today. And again for those of you who are listening, if you want to bring more love and better sex to the world. World.
Deborah [00:47:32]:
Please subscribe like and comment. And if you need if you know someone who needs this information, please share this Share this, Talk this conversation widely and freely. And on that note, bye for now.
Eveline Dacher [00:47:48]:
Bye. Thank you.