The Power of Asking Questions for Better Sex with Eirikah Delaunay
In today’s episode of The Better Sex Podcast, we will be having conversations with Eirikah Delaunay, a writer, Witch, and sexual rebel who identifies as a white, polyamorous, bisexual, cisgender woman, Dominant-leaning Switch, and sadomasochist. She is also the mother of two amazing adult children, an executive-level academic professional, and previously a monogamous wife of 20 years. Both/and is her magic word.
The founder of Desire Alchemy, she is a somatic sex+relationship coach and initiated priestess who helps people use embodiment, storytelling, and ritual to transform the energy of their own unique desire into fuel for lives of connection and passion. Her mission is to re-ignite and strengthen stale relationships (including the relationship with self) by cultivating true authenticity, practical skills, devotion, and delight.
In her pursuit of deeper connection through language and embodiment, she earned an MFA in Creative Writing, and trained as a sex+relationship coach at the Somatica InstituteTM. She has had the joy of more than a decade of connection, education, and service in the Seattle sex-positive community, where she has served as a “Tasting Top” and guest educator and facilitator on topics ranging from hands-on skills, D/s dynamics, sacred sexuality, and strategies for maintaining intimacy and connection in long-distance relationships. She currently serves on the Board of the Center for Sex-Positive Culture in Seattle.
Her erotic writing appeared in the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival Literary Anthology in 2018-2020 and 2022. Her chapter “Light Your Fire: Ecstatic Embodiment to Fuel Your Dreams” was featured in the Amazon #1 bestseller, Sacred Medicine: Mystical Practices for Ecstatic Living, and her chapter “Turn Yourself On: Embodiment Practices to Jump Start Your Day” was featured in the Amazon #1 bestseller, The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing Volume 5.
She provides individual, partnered, and group coaching for people curious and excited about using effective communication, magic, sexuality, kink, and/or power exchange relationships as vehicles for personal growth and bliss.
Experience better sex and learn the importance of communicating your desires by tuning in to this episode!
Highlights:
(05:28) Erikah’s Story
(09:41) What does it mean to be polyamorous, bisexual, cisgender, and dominant leaning switch?
(15:13) The Power of Asking Questions
(18:52) The importance of putting into words what we really want
(20:15) How did sex and spirit come together for Erika?
(23:00) One of the most powerful ways to raise energy and fuel any intention
(25:06) How do asking and desire come together?
(30:58) How do we recover and be in the place of desire and connection?
(32:24) The Power of NO in Expression and Reception
(40:00) The importance of knowing what your partner wants
Links:
Website:desi(re al)chemy
Instagram: Eirikah Delaunay (@eirikah) • Instagram photos and videos
Linkedtree: https://linktr.ee/eirikah
Facebook: Eirikah Delaunay | Facebook
https://facebook.com/desire.alchemy
****Catch her at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival this weekend****
Deborah’s Links:
Send your sex and relationship questions to DeborahTantraKat@Gmail.com
For a free Truth and Clarity Session Appointments 3 — Deborah Kat Coaching
Website: https://www.deborahkat.com/
Email: deborahtantrakat@gmail.com
Facebook: Events Near Me | Facebook
Twitter: Deborah Kat (@TantraKat) / Twitter
In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Unknown Speaker 0:00
And it's not. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 0:02
and one of the things like one of the things I work on my, with my clients speaking of the chef's food metaphor is it's like, how can the request be like, you know, you're the waitress offering more coffee? And how can the no feel like oh, they would just weren't in the mood. They've had enough coffee. You know, they don't want to. So so. Yeah. Um, well, that sounds super juicy. Lots of turn on over here. Looks like there's turnout over there. Yeah. So I want to jump right in. I wanted to double check. What your hard stop is.
Unknown Speaker 0:41
I don't have a hard stop, Deborah. Okay, perfect. You are my most important thing today. Oh, I
Unknown Speaker 0:48
love that. That feels so good. Um, and yes. So just, you know, just really quickly, I'm going to introduce the, what is it the better sex podcast, then I'll read your bio, that I'll ask you to tell your story and we will start talking about words.
Unknown Speaker 1:11
Yay. Yay. Okay,
Unknown Speaker 1:15
so let's go ahead and turn off our video.
Unknown Speaker 1:19
It's Welcome, everybody.
Unknown Speaker 1:30
This is Deborah Kat, from Deborah Kat coaching. And you are listening to the better sex podcast where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationship. And we hope that we will be inspiring more love and better sex worldwide. Today. I am so excited to talk to Erica. She is a writer which sexual rebel who identifies as white polyamorous bisexual, cis-gendered woman. She's a dominant leading switch and as sadomasochists, She is also the mother of two amazing adult children, executive level academic professional, and previously a monogamous wife for 20 years.
Unknown Speaker 2:28
Both
Unknown Speaker 2:29
and is her magic word. And we're going to talk about that a little bit later. But she is the founder of desire alchemy. She is a somatic sex and relationship coach and initiated priestess who helps people use embodiment, storytelling and ritual to transform the energy of their own unique desire to fuel for their lives of connection and passion. Her mission is to reignite and strengthen stale relationships, including the relationship with self by cultivating true authenticity, practical skills, devotion and delight. In her pursuit of deeper connection through language and embodiment, she earned an MFA in Creative Writing, and trained as a sex and relationship coach in the somatic Institute method. She has had the joy of more than a decade of connection, education and service in the Seattle sex positive community, where she served as a tasting talk, and a guest edited edit educator, facilitator and facilitator on topics ranging from hands on skills, ds dynamics, sacred sexuality and strategies for maintaining intimacy and connection in long term relationships she currently serves she currently serves on the board of the Center for Sex-positive culture in Seattle. Her erotic writing appeared in the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival literary anthology in 2018 through 2020 and 2022. Her chapter white your fire ecstatic embodiment to fuel your desires was featured in the Amazon. Number one best seller, sacred medicine, mystical practices for ecstatic living and her chapter, turn yourself on embodiment practices to jumpstart your day was featured in the Amazon Best Seller The Ultimate Guide for sex for self healing, volume five, she is so that is an presser by bio. And I know that she's so much more than that. So I just want to welcome you. And thank you so much for being a part of the better sex podcast. Welcome, Erica. Thanks, Deborah. So I've read the official bio, and I'm curious, like, what is your story? How did you get here?
Unknown Speaker 5:28
Thanks. Well, my sexuality has been a defining part of who I am throughout my life. I grew up in a conservative Baptist household in the American Deep South. My parents have been married for 55 years, and my dad still grabs my mom's but at the breakfast table, I spent my childhood immersed in romance novels and a never ending series of boyfriends. In college in Birmingham, Alabama in the late 80s, I discovered myself as kinky and bisexual. I was the self proclaimed condom fairy in my dorm, worked at Victoria's Secret and committed myself to witchcraft as the spiritual path that resonated with my desire to honor and celebrate the feminine sexuality and nature. I was in a monogamous heterosexual marriage for 20 years exploring the hotness of kink when I could seduce my husband into that mood, and feeding my desire solo by reading erotica. Mostly, however, I was busy as a mother of two and sole breadwinner for my family, often overwhelmed by exhaustion and loneliness. When we divorced in my early 40s, I discovered the local sex positive community in Seattle. I was so nervous the first time I went to the Center for Sex positive culture that my date and I sat in the car in the parking lot for half an hour before going inside. I was so relieved to find welcoming people just like us. In the last decade, I've learned things about my own authentic desire that I never imagined were true about me. And I've been able to explore desires I experienced early on that got left behind during my years of monogamous heterosexual marriage, I now identify as queer polyamorous, dominant leaning switch. For me, sex is sometimes a deeply profound experience a physical pleasure and spiritual connection with my partner. Sometimes it's light hearted play between friends. And sometimes it's an ordeal journey that helps me connect more deeply with myself, my partner and the divine. I'm an enthusiastic supporter of every individual excavating, expressing and exploring their own unique sexual desire, as a pathway to greater vitality, joy and connection. It's been a long journey, Deborah, but yeah, after 20 years of marriage, and working in academia, I was really fortunate to get laid off during COVID. And now I get to focus my energy on this passion that I feel is so incredibly important for transforming the world. The kind of connection that we feel during sex and the kind of power that we get from our own sexual energy is really the key, I believe, to the kind of world I want my children to grow up in.
Unknown Speaker 8:32
Hmm,
Unknown Speaker 8:34
thank you. I love that. So I had no idea that your background was Baptist south. And like, when I look at that, and I, you know, feel into where you're at now, it's so very different. And what a fascinating journey you've had. So I just want to start with that there's so many different places to jump in. But I love your the way that you identify yourself. There's a lot of different concepts in there. And I'm just curious if you can kind of give us a little bit of the definition not so much by the book, but how you see yourself when you say, you know, polyamorous bisexual, cis-gendered dominant leaning, switch, like what does that mean?
Unknown Speaker 9:41
Yeah, thanks for asking. You know, I'm always anxious about even using those labels because I know it's a lot to unpack. But here we go. So, my queerness or bisexuality refers to the gender of the humans I'm attracted to sexually, and romantically. And so I, there's a spectrum, I am sometimes anxious about using bisexual because I don't believe that gender is a binary. But the formal definition of bisexual as including more than one gender fits, so I claim it. I am however a cis-gendered woman I was I was identified, assigned female at birth, and I continue to identify as feminine. And so that makes me cis-gendered. Woman. What else was on that list?
Unknown Speaker 10:44
So on and leaning switch, dominant leaning
Unknown Speaker 10:47
switch? Yes, so. So when I play with power arrangements in my sexual and romantic relationships, dominance is the person who makes the decisions for me, and submissives are people who accept those decisions and carry them out with enthusiasm. Yeah, and, and a switch is somebody who sometimes plays both roles, that can sometimes happen in the same relationship. And sometimes it happens in different relationships. So at the moment, I identify as a dominant leaning switch, because I do have a relationship, my nesting partner makes the decisions in our household and so I identify as submissive within this relationship. But in all my other relationships, I am either dominant all the time, or we switch, I switch in play with my partners, and sometimes they're in charge, and sometimes I'm in charge. So it makes for a lot of fun. Me, I like to say that I'm super greedy, and I get to do all the things with all the people. So it's, yeah, it's lots and lots of fun. I like that
Unknown Speaker 12:12
the suit, greedy with all the people. That's so good. I mean, and then, yeah, I also just wanted you use the term nesting partner. And I just want to if you could, you know, quick, unpack
Unknown Speaker 12:28
that a little. Yeah. So I have a partner who I live with, we're not married. But he is very important to me nesting partner, to me, identifies the fact that we share a home, but doesn't necessarily imply a hierarchy within among my relationships, so I have other romantic and sexual relationships with people who don't live in my house. And but this person, especially during COVID, were 24/7 in that space, and that gets more weight. So, so yeah, that's why that's the partner means.
Unknown Speaker 13:10
Thank you. And I know that's a word that, that so many people use differently. That's, you know, but I love your you know, how it works for you.
Unknown Speaker 13:19
Yeah, absolutely. You know, actually, I'm, what's my official title, publications content coordinator, I think at the Center for Sex positive culture, which is a glorified newsletter editor sort of title, but we're actually working on building a member sourced dictionary of sex positive terminology right now, that's similar to the Urban Dictionary type thing so that we can get these kinds of personal definitions so that folks can see the range of ways that people use these words. Because a single dictionary definition really doesn't do it.
Unknown Speaker 14:00
Right. Right. And, you know, there's, I like to say, there's no right way to do relationship. There's your way to do relationship. Exactly. Yeah. And I feel like especially in the polyamorous world where there is so much range, and people do it their way. But it's good to have a common way of talking about things because we don't always pause long enough to ask, What do you mean by that?
Unknown Speaker 14:38
Yeah, that's so true. And that is such an important question. All the time.
Unknown Speaker 14:47
Yeah, and one of the so when we were off camera we were talking about not just you know, we were talking about words and their power. And we're also talking looking about
Unknown Speaker 15:00
the power of asking? And
Unknown Speaker 15:05
I have an idea of what I mean by that. But I'm curious, what do you mean by that?
Unknown Speaker 15:13
Yeah, um, so when I think about the power of asking, I guess part of this goes back to, as you mentioned, at the very beginning, the journey that I've been on from growing up Baptist in the Deep South, to being on the board of the Center for Sex positive culture in Seattle, it's been quite a journey. And I grew up with a certain set of expectations for what sex look like, and what was appropriate, and in what kind of circumstances and, and that kind of formed my maybe proto menu of what was really available in terms of sexuality, what would get me connection and love and all the good things in life versus what would get me judgment and isolation. And so I was pretty careful early in my life to not ask for the things that I secretly really, really wanted. But as I've gotten older, and, and I think probably that first moment of freedom was within marriage, I felt like, Okay, this is my person now. And now we get to explore. Now I get to do all the things. And so it really was an exercise in vulnerability, and admitting to what went on inside my heart inside my body and what I really was what really aroused me and got me off. And, some of those things we got to play out. But not all of them, because my husband wasn't into all the things I was into. But and so asking, but unless I was brave enough to share what it was, he would never know. And we would be stuck with that little proto menu of, you know, and now we do the missionary and now we go to sleep. So, so yeah, live opened up. And, and life continues to open up because I'm, I continue to explore and find more new things that may be this is fun. Let's try that.
Unknown Speaker 17:38
Yeah. Well,
Unknown Speaker 17:40
I'm really glad that you pointed to the reason behind are not asking, because I think it's really easy to be like, yes, you gotta ask for what you want, you know, and be a cheerleader for that. And recognizing that, whether it's true or not, what it feels like is at stake, when we ask for something, especially that might be off the normal proto menu is that loss of community, that loss of tribe that loss of beginning of, of belonging? Yeah. And, you know, as you've mentioned, it's so prevalent in our, in our culture of, you know, bit color within the lines. And really, you know, as you mentioned, it's like, starting to find that, that, like, the first question of, or the first, you know, the first piece of, of asking for desires, kind of asking your own system, what it's looking for.
Unknown Speaker 18:52
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, being able to put into words for yourself, what those desires are, and, and connecting with them, the embodied feelings of, of, oh, I don't know, just longing and excitement and what it would feel like to have those things fulfilled and what it would feel like to share that part of yourself with another human.
Unknown Speaker 19:26
Hmm, yes. Yes,
Unknown Speaker 19:31
because it is the relationship it is that intimacy where really all that juiciness happens
Unknown Speaker 19:40
Hmm
Unknown Speaker 19:43
you know, as I look at your bio, it's clear that while you know your beginnings of spiritual relationship were through the Baptist Church that it is a big part of who you are now. I'm wondering, I know this might be a little bit off-topic from where we started, but I'm curious how sex and, and spirit come together for you.
Unknown Speaker 20:15
Yeah, absolutely. That's it's funny that you ask it, it was a huge part of my sexuality was actually a huge part of me finding this spiritual path. Because when I was 18, and left my parents house and went away to college, I really felt like that Father, God in the sky had no idea what it was like to be me. And as a young woman experiencing sexual awakening, and so I intentionally went looking for a spiritual path that could embrace my sexuality and my sense of self as the feminine. And so I actually decided I was going to revive goddess worship, thinking I was the only person on the planet worshipping Diana and I like came up with all of these rituals and practices on my own. And then a year later, I discovered spiral dance by Starhawk, that was already in its 10th year anniversary publication and discovered, oh, wow, here's the language for all the things that I so deeply believed. And the way that what makes the world go round in terms of that embodied Physical Reality of nature is an erotic dance. It is the dance of the bee and the flower, it is the dance of procreation. In every species, it is birth and life and death and rebirth every single time. And all of that is reflected in our sexuality. And so for me that practice is it's always an honoring and a celebration of the creative act, of human sexuality and of the erotic dance of the cosmos. And yeah, so I do a lot of sex magic, it is a huge part of how I go about my day to day, the energy of orgasm will boost you right into outer space. And it makes a lot of good things happen in the world. My my partner often says, Why are houseplants so gorgeous and lush here? Like it's all those orgasms, honey? So I love
Unknown Speaker 22:52
I mean, my understanding of sex magic is really this is a place where you bring words and intention, together with the embodied experience of that creative energy.
Unknown Speaker 23:09
Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, one of the ways one of the most powerful ways to raise energy to fuel any kind of intention is with rhythm. And so whether that's drumming or dancing, or chanting, or fucking, that rhythmic activity, raises that energy, and really puts that the oomph behind the intention and the words and any of the symbolic materia that is used or, yeah, so it really is an amplifier that increases the energy behind whatever intention you are trying to create in your life.
Unknown Speaker 23:55
Absolutely. I love the idea of, you know, fucking as a rhythmic experience, because I hadn't really thought about that. But like, rhythm is a big part of what makes good sex.
Unknown Speaker 24:10
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Rhythm is a good is a huge part of what makes you know, a good spanking. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And if you want to mess with somebody, try doing it out of rhythm. When you completely completely destroy their expectations. It's very disconcerting. And if you then drop back into rhythm again, the level of comfort and connection that just washes over both of you is so amazing.
Unknown Speaker 24:43
Hmm.
Unknown Speaker 24:44
And are you in drummer?
Unknown Speaker 24:47
A little bit.
Unknown Speaker 24:49
Only religiously, not musically. Got it. Got it. Well, I
Unknown Speaker 24:55
want to come back to words and asking and desire and how those kind of come together?
Unknown Speaker 25:06
Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 25:08
For me, I think one of the keys to making asking work for me there, there have been two big parts. One has been learning to really ask vulnerably for what I want by sharing my desire
Unknown Speaker 25:27
that
Unknown Speaker 25:30
I struggled early on with asking because I often phrased things in ways that sounded like blame or shame or complaining to my partner that they weren't doing it right. And learning to share without expectation, what was hot for me and what I wanted with them, and how much I enjoy and appreciate them. And let's have more of that really helped shift the whole tone of those kinds of conversations, and brought us closer together instead of creating conflict, which was my early experience with asking, Do you have
Unknown Speaker 26:18
Can you give me an example of how you might ask with desire? Versus ask with complaint?
Unknown Speaker 26:28
Sure, I'm asking with desire. sounds something like hmm, would you please pinch my nipples that feels so good when you do that?
Unknown Speaker 26:41
Versus
Unknown Speaker 26:44
right, versus how come you never pinch my nipples? You know that that feels good. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 26:54
And I, you know, I mean, it. It's funny, it's like, I like to say that everything you practice in bed, is can be practiced in, you know, outside of the bedroom, as well. Yeah. And I just, you know, it's funny, I had this conversation with my partner the other night, we were talking about chores, and that did not go well. But this morning, I was, you know, in a better, like, more desirable place, as it were. And so the conversation was, was more started with, like, I have this desire to feel yummy in my house. And I really have desire to feel like you hold that as important to you as well. And I'm wondering where we can find you know, where that bridge is for you? Like, what would you like to? Would you like to contribute to
Unknown Speaker 27:45
that? Hell yeah.
Unknown Speaker 27:48
And he was like, I can't talk about this. Now. I'll get back to you.
Unknown Speaker 27:57
Yeah, and that's sometimes the answer we get in and sometimes, and you and I talked about this a little bit earlier, too, because that actually opens me to the second piece of asking, which is expanding our own capacity to sometimes hear either let's wait on that or just a straight up No. Because that can feel really judgy and read rejection, and it can be really hard to hear that. And so often, that leads us to, not ask, because we're afraid that that's what we might hear. And so doing our own work to help depersonalize the know, or the let's wait, because hearing the tone in your voice, it sounds like you knew he was busy with other things, and you'd get back to it. And so,
Unknown Speaker 28:55
yeah, and that is just like his pattern is, you know, his, his, his pattern, he has a longer answering pattern than I do. I'm like, you know, I feel it. It's a yes or no, it's um, but for him, he's got to like filter through all of the different options and what it might mean. And if he commits to this, like, you know, if he says yes, is he committed for you know, like, it's, it's more of a process. Yeah. Which I think is super funny. In that it's not what we tend to think of it like, I would say, have a more direct yes or no, he has some more. Winding yes or no?
Unknown Speaker 29:44
Yeah, yeah. But I love that you share the kind of intimacy where you know those things about each other, and can give each other the space and grace to be who you really are in that communication pattern. Thank you, right? Because you might have responded to that as you never write, you never want to talk about the things I want to talk about.
Unknown Speaker 30:09
That was last night.
Unknown Speaker 30:14
Right and, and that's, that's the other piece of this. We're all messy, imperfect humans. And we can strive to, you know, strive to always be in this place of desire and connection. And we're not going to succeed, right? Because we are messy, imperfect humans. And so how do we then repair? How do we recover? How did you come back this morning and approach it again, better, rested, more grounded, and more able to really connect with him and give him some patients in space, rather than continuing down the road of destruction?
Unknown Speaker 30:58
Well, you know, it's funny hearing you ask that question. I was much more on my own turn on, I was much more like, you know, in the eye, you know, my morning practices, so it's just in that, you know, in this space where I'd had enough time with myself, um, I wouldn't quite call it sex magic, but like, I'd sat, you know, raised some energy. And I knew what my intention for the day going in is, you know, here's what I know. Here's what I don't know. Just make it a beautiful day of connection is my sort of morning prayer. Yeah. And so, um, so yeah, so I asked him from that place, and it's so funny saying this out loud. I'm like, Oh, right. Yeah, I always talk to my clients.
Unknown Speaker 31:52
Exactly, exactly. We do talk to our clients about these things. And yeah, but we're not perfect, either. We're all still just human. And we're growing and learning and practicing every single day.
Unknown Speaker 32:09
Hmm. Um, I would love you to talk a little bit about the power of No, both on the expression side of that, and on the reception side of that, if you would,
Unknown Speaker 32:24
yeah.
Unknown Speaker 32:26
The power of no is actually something that I'm working on for myself. These days. I grew up as a little bit of a people pleaser, and it was really hard for me to embrace my own No. And I ended up really overcommitted often, by saying yes, to many, many things. Many of which I was actually a no to, or, at best a maybe. And so, really embracing being able to feel in my body and being courageous enough to share. No, that's not okay with me. That's not a thing I want right now. That doesn't feel good. And, and being able to share that but sharing it lovingly, that it's not that the thing that my partner has asked for is wrong or bad or anything like that. It's just not something I can fulfill. Right now, right here, or maybe ever. But that's up to me to share it. But yeah, and hearing no, has also been a long time coming. And I've struggled with rejection early in my life, especially. But now I am practicing celebrating other people's No, because that means that they're honoring their own boundaries. And that means I can trust their Yes. Oh, so good. If somebody tells me no, that means there Yes, is for real when I do get it. And that is precious to me. That is super precious. I also find that playing with safe words has helped with this as well because one thing I know for myself is that I really love playing to people's edges. And so I use yellow and red as safe words and play and I like to play to my own edges too. And so I want to play till I'm a yellow till I need to slow down I need to check in. I need that point of reconnection. And then maybe we can go harder again, until I've finally hit that red point where I've had enough and so that practice in feeling like that, that call to slowed down or the call to stop or feeling like a no, is not a personal attack. It's not anything about me or them, it just is right now. And that has really helped me stretch my capacity to both say no and hear no. In, in relationships or in sexual contexts.
Unknown Speaker 35:25
And, you know, hearing you say that I'm thinking, wow, that is not even. I think when I look back at negotiation, I might actually ask a person. So because, you know, we have the boundary talk, we have the safe word talk. And I'm like, I, my intention is rarely to push somebody's boundaries or to push somebody's edge in that way. So it's an interesting conversate. Like, I am just thinking to myself, like, what's, how does the conversation change when, when you say to somebody, what I'm really looking for, is to feel the edge of my boundary or to feel, you know, versus playing in the center.
Unknown Speaker 36:12
Right, exactly. Well, and it, it creates a situation of really high personal responsibility on both sides. And, and makes a really clear expectation, because, you know, I've played with bottoms or subs who feel like it's their job to let me do whatever I want to them. And they will suffer through things that are way past their desire, because they don't want to use their safe word because they feel like that's a failure. Right? So when I share with them at the beginning, I want to hear your safe word. Mm-hmm. That is part of my goal here. That gives them the freedom to actually stay with their true Yes, to actually share with me when they are hitting that edge, so that we can flirt with that boundary. And of course, when I tell them that the beginning, they can, they can say, No, I don't want to play like that, that's fine. But then that means I have to be a lot more cautious because I know that I might not hear I might not hear them. Tell me when they're hitting their edges. Another thing I use when I play hard, is the pain scale that you often hear at the ER is zero to 10 On a scale of zero to 10, where's your pain? And so, you know, at the beginning of any play session, we calibrate, because bodies change moment to moment, day to day, I can take a lot less when I'm on my menstrual cycle, for instance, than on an ordinary day. And so, you know, I want to know, does this spank feel like a two? Or does it feel like an eight? Right now? And then the next question is, and what is your sweet spot? Where do you like to play? Right? I like to play at an eight. But I have partners who like to play it a three. Okay, we can do that. But it gives me that information. And you know, and then we can check in regularly while we're playing Where Where did that land for you? So that we can make sure that we're on the same page with what's happening in both bodies.
Unknown Speaker 38:38
Yeah, and I just want to underscore because I think this is true, not just in the sort of kink world but in the sensual world in general. And I know that a lot of times male partners are confused, because, wow, that thing I did to you just yesterday, you know, was the thing. And you know, but for whatever reason, yes, my body responded like that yesterday, today that, you know, today my nipples are just like over the top sensitive today I'm really more like, you know, I am more in a wrestle mood, I'm more in and like hold me mood sets. I love the you know, the idea of asking your partner, you know, where is your body today? What is what is it? You know, what is it and it's always you know, a from a little bit of a kingdom perspective like I love having people talk to me about their bodies and describe in great detail, you know, the sensations cuz, you know, one of the things I've noticed about you know, using words is that we do undersell song with him.
Unknown Speaker 40:02
Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, that's actually I consider words to be my only true fetish. So if the definition of fetish is something you can't have an orgasm without? Yeah, words are that for me. And so I tell my partners, if you're not talking when I want to come, I'm imagining you talking. Because that's the only way I come. And I have a little mental Rolodex of different phrases and different scenarios where people are saying different things to me. And, and you know, just like physical sensations, sometimes one particular phrase or story works, and sometimes it doesn't. And so I'll scroll through till I hit one that is that day's thing. But yeah, and my God, that is so good. Yeah. And then, you know, and after, especially if I'm playing with a partner, and I'm having to scroll through to think about the thing, they said in my head, do you actually have that orgasm? afterward? I'll tell them. So while I was coming, when I was thinking about was you saying, my body would obey you, or whatever it was, right? Whatever I was thinking in that moment, just so that they can then tuck that in their Rolodex and actually say it whenever it strikes their fancy?
Unknown Speaker 41:26
Abs? You know, that's so good. Because again, it's like telling your partner, these are the things that turn me on. You know, I think it's one of the one of the biggest things that I run up against in working with couples, is this idea that we are supposed to be able to know what our partner wants. Yeah. And particularly, I see this, you know, with women not really articulating what they want, and then being resentful that their partner doesn't give it to him.
Unknown Speaker 42:04
Yeah, yeah. My partner likes to say that I should teach a masterclass on that, actually, in terms of just using back scratching instructions as the kind of the model. He's like, you know, when you tell me how to touch you, in all these different ways, like it's just like it's the same amount of charge as when you're trying to direct me where on your back needs scratching, like up a little down a little No, no, over? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 42:40
That's brilliant. I love that.
Unknown Speaker 42:43
And, and, of course, he doesn't know where the edge is, I can't possibly expect him to know where the edge is. And sexually exactly the same. Why would he know exactly how I'm receiving that sensation? He doesn't, I have to tell him.
Unknown Speaker 43:03
God, this is such a juicy conversation. Thank you so much for being willing to hop on with the I Am. So for. I mean, we've gotten, we've gone all sorts of different places. But I'm curious if you you know, if there's one thing that you want people to get out of our conversation here today, what might that be?
Unknown Speaker 43:29
I would say the only real limit on sexuality is informed consent between adults, which means being able to talk about desire and ask for what you really want. Hmm,
Unknown Speaker 43:41
so good. So good. So do you want to tell us what you're up to and where we can find more of you?
Unknown Speaker 43:49
Absolutely. I will be at the Seattle erotic Arts Festival this coming weekend doing sexy conversations, using a really cool card deck that I developed to guide these kinds of conversations. So do come see me in person there. If you can, I'll be there, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And I'll be reading from the story that's being published in this year's literary anthology at five o'clock on Saturday night. Beyond that, you can find me on the web at WWW dot desire alchemy.com and I have all kinds of juicy stuff going on. I'm also going to be featured in another book that will probably be coming out in August, I think, called wealth codes. Which is fascinating actually, because it's, um, it's wealth code, sacred strategies for abundance. And it's another collaborative book with 25 authors. And it posits that wealth comes from a variety of places in our lives. It's not just money and relationships is one of those key areas. So you can check out my chapter and wealth codes later this year. But do come see me on the web. You can find me on Facebook at Erica Golani. And I'll be happy to chat.
Unknown Speaker 45:12
Oh, so good. And of course, all of the links will be in the shownotes. Again, Erica, thank you so very much for your time and your energy. And this is this wraps up our episode of the better sex podcast. If you want to help spread more love and better sex worldwide. Please like, comment and subscribe on Apple podcast or wherever else you might get your podcast from.
Unknown Speaker 45:56
Have a wonderful rest of your day.