Voicing Desire with Alexis Ware
In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I sit down with acupuncturist, theta healer, and sex relationship coach Alexis Ware, for a deep dive into voicing our desires. We explore the fascinating connection between the throat and the clitoris, and how speaking our truth is vital for intimacy and connection in relationships. Along the way, Alexis shares powerful insights on the importance of feeling safe to express our needs and the role open communication plays in fulfilling sexual and emotional connections.
As we chat, Alexis reveals her transformative journey through orgasmic meditation, and emphasizes the significance of reclaiming our inherent power and creative potential as women. Together, we dig into the layers of societal conditioning that hold us back, and discuss practical techniques to reclaim our voice, power, and pleasure including a special heart meditation teaching.
This episode is packed with wisdom and laughter, as well as actionable steps you can take to unveil your voice and elevate your sex life.
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In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Welcome to the Better Sex podcast. My name is Deborah Catt, and I am your shameless host. On this podcast, we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships. Now, these conversations are frank and explicit, so they may not be appropriate for all ears and audiences. So please listen with care. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a happier and a safer world. If you want to do your part to create a safe and sexy world, please hit like subscribe and leave a comment. Today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, Alexis Weir.
Deborah [00:00:56]:
She's an acupuncturist, theta healer, and theta healing instructor, as well as sex relationship and connection coach. She has over 17 years of experience in reconstructing subconscious belief systems so we can live our best lives. I'm really excited to have her here today. She and I have been dancing in each other's worlds for many years, and we reconnected at an event that she was facilitating with. And I was just so delighted and had such an incredible experience that I just really wanted to share her and your incredible work with the world. So welcome, Alexis.
Alexis Weir [00:01:41]:
Thank you so much. Thank you for having me, Deborah.
Deborah [00:01:45]:
Thank you for coming. And, you know, the first question is, how did you get here? What sparked your interest?
Alexis Weir [00:01:56]:
Well, how I got here, as you mentioned, is I presented an erotic contact workshop at an event in Santa Cruz last November, and you were in attendance, and it was, as per your report, an impactful experience for you. And so that's how I literally got here through that invitation. And that that event, that workshop that I facilitated there, or experience that I facilitated there, called erotic contact, is sort of the culmination of my life's work, I would say. And it's one of the things that I've created that I just. I overflow with love and joy to have the opportunity to present, because it combines three of my favorite modalities into one thing. And so, erotic contact is an experience where we use theta healing, subconscious reprogramming, to help people get more in their bodies right there in the room, and to get in touch with their desire and to clear some of the most typical blocks that we have to doing that. Like, it's dangerous, it's unsafe, it's going to come out sideways, I'm going to hurt somebody. I'll be rejected.
Alexis Weir [00:03:28]:
So we clear a lot of these subconscious fears, and then we instill a lot of new programs into the subconscious mind around, it's safe for me to move towards that which I desire, and I know how to do that in a calibrated way with attunement. And so between the intro talk that I give and then with some basics around safety, safer spaces in this kind of a context, and then the downloads that we give, we're really creating a field where people feel and experience more permission to move towards their desires than they do in their normal day to day world. And desires that we might not normally go towards in that kind of a group context of movement, where a lot of us come from a background of ecstatic dance, where we've been conditioned that sensuality, and especially sexuality, does not have a space on the dance floor. And, I mean, it depends on what community you're in. Definitely certain communities, there's a lot more sauciness going on inside the ecstatic dance scene. And so then once we've kind of, like, primed the field and ripened everyone with the theta healing, we also. I'll back up and share that in that preliminary talk I'm sharing about orgasmic meditation based concepts. So in that setting of the field and the container we're talking about, that it's likely that if you have a desire arising in you, that it's also arising concurrently in the other person, and that it might actually be beneficial to you both to move towards that desire and you might feel matched.
Alexis Weir [00:05:18]:
And then also around, like, if you get a no, it's okay. And, in fact, can be celebrated. And a lot of the Om concepts around just being able to feel what's real and true in the moment because you're so in your body that you can actually feel what's resonant, how it's resonant to approach another person or duo or trio or group of people based on the feelings that you feel in your body as you move towards them, or. Yeah. And so to have that level of attunement to what is going to generate connection and amplify sensation. And then we talk about, like, the difference between desire, like, the energy that arises and then getting attached to the outcome of that desiree. So, like, if I want to have, like, a super juicy, sensual dance and feel completely surrendered, that's. I want to be, like, out of my mind and in my body.
Alexis Weir [00:06:28]:
That's it. That's a desire. And then if I, like, look across the room and I see, like, a kind of hot person, and I'm like, hmm, I want to do that with that person that's attaching to a specific object of desire, and then trying to make that happen is actually taking us away from eros rather than towards it. So we prime the field with Om concepts and theta healing, and then we get inside of a container of movement exploration together as a group. And so it's combining my three loves of theta healing, orgasmic meditation, and dance and movement.
Deborah [00:07:06]:
Such a great time. Thank you so much. And I just want to kind of go back for. There's a couple things I really wanted to highlight. So, first of all, you know, sexuality and sensual energy. I mean, it's not necessarily an energy that the world is like, yes, bring it on. And so, you know, having spaces where we're not just allowed but actually encouraged to feel into that, into that energy, into that creation, into that creativity are so important. And I really just wanted to highlight what you were talking about, the difference between having a desire and allowing it to unfold in the way that it unfolds versus, like, I want this.
Deborah [00:07:54]:
You know, I have this desire, but I. It. The only way that it can be manifest is this way. And, you know, one of the things I see a lot with. With my coaching around dating is that people have the. Listen, the only thing that they're after is the list, and they sort of don't necessarily allow for the desire or the magic to happen, because a lot of times our desires get fulfilled, but it doesn't look anything like what we expected to look like.
Alexis Weir [00:08:30]:
Yes. And I always find it so much more fulfilling when a desire gets fulfilled and it feels like it happened by magic. I'm like, oh, I felt that desire earlier. I didn't try to make it happen. I didn't like, like, force or effort in any way. And then I find myself inside of a dance and become consciously aware that I'm in that surrendered space that I wanted to be in. And it's like, ah. Like, it just.
Alexis Weir [00:08:59]:
It came to life naturally rather than through effort or force.
Deborah [00:09:06]:
Beautiful. Thank you. And I'm wondering, I'm not really familiar, like, I've heard about theta healing, but I'm not really sure what it is.
Alexis Weir [00:09:16]:
A lot of your listeners have also not heard of it or know exactly what it is. Yeah, I'd love to share a little bit about it. So, theta healing is an energy healing modality that works with the theta brainwave to do instant healing, and it can heal on any and all levels. So you can come in for a theta healing session for low back pain. And we will address it energetically, mostly through reprogramming the subconscious belief systems that are connected to what generated that pain and the belief systems and programs that are holding it in place and will address the energy around it, like the emotions, like what happened that created that kind of stuck or blocked energy. And then the back pain will clear without even touching the person. So we can use it for physical ailments. We can use it for this subconscious reprogramming.
Alexis Weir [00:10:17]:
Basically, scientists have already proven that about 88% of our brain is subconscious, and it governs about 95% of our behavior. So most people, although some people do come for some back pain, occasionally, most people are coming because they have a pattern showing up in their life that they want out of, and they just cannot find their way out because they're in a loop and they keep recreating the same thing with different people and different scenarios. I'm sure you know, you're familiar with this. The listeners, we're all familiar with this. We often get into the same relationship over and over again with different men. You know, same man, different face. Right? Same man, many faces, same woman, many faces, same person, many faces. And so with theta healing, we're using the theta brainwave as a bridge to reach the subconscious, to address the programs that were laid down in our brains like an operating system, mostly between the ages of zero to five.
Alexis Weir [00:11:31]:
So the way that I talk about is, like, think back to your childhood, what was happening during those formative years that lays the foundation for how you live your life, because those subconscious programs make up the bulk of your subconscious psyche which is governing your behavior. So what we do with theta healing is we go in and we find the unresourceful belief systems, and we clear them out one by one, and we replace them with more resourceful programs so that our operating system is up to date with our conscious mind and what we want to choose for ourselves in terms of the life we want to live, the relationship we want to have, the sex we want to have, how we want to feel, how we want to just be. So, yeah, that's a little like theta healing in a nutshell.
Deborah [00:12:25]:
Thank you. And how did you discover Theta healing?
Alexis Weir [00:12:28]:
So, I was actually just on another podcast a few days ago, and I shared one version of the story of how I came to Theta healing and only remembered afterwards that there was a seed planted around theta healing inside of me way earlier on that I just wasn't ready to plant it in soil. So the first time I got introduced to theta healing, I was in undergrad, I was in my twenties, and both times I found theta healing. It was because of my throat. I had a recurring tonsil infection as a child and it resurfaced in adulthood. And the first time I discovered theta healing, it was like by chance a friend of mine said, hey, our friend trained in this kind of woo woo modality. He's giving sessions for free, check him out, he might be able to help you. Because I was having an occurrence of the infection and nothing was working and I needed help and so I went and had an instant healing and it blew my mind. Like literally my tonsils cleared immediately and I felt no pain and it wasn't even a full session, it wasn't even like an hour or an hour and a half.
Alexis Weir [00:13:42]:
He literally did one thing, he witnessed an instant healing and it was like boom, gone. And he encouraged me to learn theta healing and showed me the book. And I was like, no, no, no, I don't know what this is about. This is like way early on in my journey. And so it came back around when I was in grad school for acupuncture and I started to get it again. And this is the story I told on the other podcast, chinese herbs and acupuncture stopped working. And so I started to think maybe I have a repressed memory from childhood that's wanting to be expressed and remembered. Maybe I was starting to open up to that.
Alexis Weir [00:14:18]:
There might be past lives that I may have lived, and maybe it's something that's wanting to come through for my knowledge. I started investigating to find a hypnotherapist and that is how I discovered theta healing. And that was back in 2006. And not only did it provide multiple instant healings for my tonsils, but then the woman I was seeing as my theta healer helped me to discover why it was happening. Like why I was having this experience and communicate, helped me to learn how to communicate with my tonsils so that I could get what I needed to get without the infection. And she is the one who encouraged me to learn and I still thought like, oh no, you're just psychic, I can't do that. And she encouraged me repeatedly until I finally took the course and I never thought I would do it professionally. And then fast forward a few years to when I graduated acupuncture school and I started seeing clients.
Alexis Weir [00:15:18]:
And then by about four years into my acupuncture and theta healing practice, almost everyone who was coming to see me in LA was coming for theta healing. And I ended up just putting most of my attention onto theta healing, and then later, orgasmic meditation coaching.
Deborah [00:15:38]:
I love the part where it's like the seeds were planted, but I wasn't quite ready because I know I can certainly relate to that. There have been things where it's like, there's a little taste here not quite ready, but, boy, when I am ready, stepping into it is a whole other experience. And it's so interesting that you were talking about your tonsils, because, of course, the tonsils, the fifth chakra communication, and that's really where you're putting your attention. And your passion these days is using your voice.
Alexis Weir [00:16:13]:
Yes, absolutely. I created, or actually more like received or channeled a program last year called unveil my voice. And it is kind of like, I don't know, the crowning jewel of everything that I've ever put together and created because it kind of grabs a little bit from everything and pulls it all together. And it's in support of women to unveil our voices and have our full expression unleashed from inside of us and make its way out into the world where it's so drastically needed now more than ever before. So I love that you put made that connection to my tonsils and my voice and my expression being what brought me to pretty much all of the modalities that I have studied and learned for the most part. And then this being my main passion right now is to continue supporting myself always, and then supporting other women and bringing our, like, most unique energy signature first into our bodies, like reclaiming the fullness of who we are, all of our power, remembering that it's inside of us and not anywhere outside of us, you know, reclaiming a lot of the themes and topics of undale my voice, which is an initiation for a six week initiation for women to clear all or many of the layers of societal, familial, religious, ancestral conditioning that lays on top of our ability to exist fully as ourselves. So in this initiation, one of the main things that we're doing is reclaiming our attention. You know, we learned in ohm that attention is actually the most valuable currency, right? And there are multi billion dollar industries that are just extracting from us, right? They're just hooking our attention, telling us, as women, you need to look this way, you need to dress this way, you need to wear this makeup and these clothes, and, you know, like.
Alexis Weir [00:18:31]:
And when we get hooked into those streams of consciousness, it's like we just go on this ride outside of ourselves, and we're just chasing this thing that's just right inside of our bodies. It's in our wombs. It's in every cell of us. It is a living substance and energy that they're trying to sell back to us when, in fact, we generate it. We're the creators of life. You know, it's like, uh, I don't want to get too, like, you know, but, like, placentas, they can be sold for, like, thousands of dollars because of all the stem cells in them, because they actually can. They generate whatever you put them into. They create life.
Alexis Weir [00:19:16]:
Like, we are the creators of life. And not only is our attention hooked to do or buy or get or look a certain way to then be worthy of love and attention and being heard, but also we're conditioned to have shame around the most powerful parts of us.
Deborah [00:19:38]:
Right?
Alexis Weir [00:19:39]:
Our vulva, our sex, our menstrual blood. So unveil. My voice is a lot about reclaiming the truth of our power and where it comes from, so that we're not out here just, like, seeking, like, where can I find it? Can I find it in him? Can I find it in that?
Deborah [00:20:00]:
Yeah. And I just want to say that I think that is, you know, the hooking of attention is certainly where the human condition is in this moment. It's all this, as you said, this product is going to fix this, and this job is going to fix this, and this is the thing. And really hooking our attention, hijacking our desire, taking the desire and saying, and this is what it's going to look like when you have, you know, have it. And so I love that, you know, reclaiming and bringing all of the tension, you know, bringing the attention back to self, bringing the attention back to pleasure, bringing the attention back to, you know, the vulva and the creativity that lies within the body and the generative power of pleasure. I'm just imagining that that's going to be a big part of your program.
Alexis Weir [00:21:05]:
Well, I love that you are presenting pleasure because. Yes, absolutely. One of the themes that we cover is clearing shame around feeling pleasure, which is one of the things we addressed in erotic contact as well, because sometimes we're like, oh, this feels really good. Am I doing something wrong? You know, because we've been so trained and conditioned that that's not appropriate. You shouldn't be doing that out in this space. Right, right.
Deborah [00:21:35]:
So it could be in the dark, under the covers, you know, and quick.
Alexis Weir [00:21:41]:
Yes, yes. Get it over and done with as fast as possible. Yeah. So clearing. Clearing shame around feeling pleasure so that we can have more pleasure and take in more pleasure and I actually feel, let ourselves feel the pleasure. That is definitely a big component of it. And I see that a lot of goddess retreats and workshops and programs, they stop there. It's teaching women how to reclaim pleasure, and then they stop there.
Alexis Weir [00:22:25]:
And as we know from orgasmic meditation, reclaiming the fullness of our power means reclaiming our ability to feel and be present with all sensations. So not just the pleasure, but the.
Deborah [00:22:42]:
Pain.
Alexis Weir [00:22:44]:
Not just the joy, but the grief and the rage. And so that's another component of unveil. My voice is we get into the places where we don't allow ourselves to feel and embody anger and rage, because that's suppressing so much of our power. And how can we fully come out in life and in the world if we're constantly trying to squash this feeling that wants to rise up and rightfully so, in the face of so much of what we see and witness and experience in today's world?
Deborah [00:23:26]:
Absolutely. I love hearing that. And so I'm curious, can you give an example of how of something, that, of a way in which you reclaim or a technique that you use?
Alexis Weir [00:23:44]:
Hmm. So, for me, my journey of reclaiming my reclaiming power and the truth of power as a woman has been a long road. And so I do my best to share the gems that I've gathered and collected along my long road and offer them to women so that it doesn't necessarily need to take them quite as long and they don't need to necessarily go on that type of a path. And for me, it has looked like a three year, very devotional, deep dive relationship with orgasmic meditation 2013 to 2016, where, through a committed daily practice for three years, I pierced through the layers of numbness on my clitoris, in my heart, and melted the frozen spots on the surface of my clitoris and my heart and allowed myself to become more connectable. So de armoring, putting down my armor, and there isn't exactly, like, a shortcut path to it, you know, like, I do my best to transmit what I gained on that journey. And I still, I love the practice. I encourage and recommend that people practice orgasmic meditation to learn how to feel in the body and stay with the sensation of what is happening and stay present in that sensation, because that's what allows us when we do it on the quote unquote on the mat in orgasmic meditation, that's what allows us to take that superpower into every area and aspect of our lives and when we can actually feel what's happening and we've become more responsive, so we can feel what's happening and we can respond to it in real time. It just brings in a lot more dynamic energy to our lives and our relationships.
Alexis Weir [00:26:24]:
And it helps us go from living in that sort of, like, everything is just sort of mundane and flat to, like, into the magic realms of the mystery of life. And that's what my program from 2021 or 2022 called Wet was all about, is how to live dripping wet, literally, with our pussies dripping wet, our hearts dripping wet, our lives dripping wet with this nectar, this juice of what it means to be truly alive. And so in unveil my voice, we take elements of that and we weave it in, for how do we. How do we soften in today's world? How can we create a space for ourselves to be intimate with our vulva, our pussies, our wombs, our feelings, our emotions, to be intimate with what's really happening, even when it's painful, so that we can feel truly alive and then from that truly alive space, access what wants to come from the all that is into and through us, and then allow that to be birthed into the world.
Deborah [00:27:40]:
So we've been talking a bit about orgasmic meditation, and it's definitely something I talk a lot about. But just in case somebody's missed the memo, do you want to tell people what orgasmic meditation is?
Alexis Weir [00:27:53]:
Sure, yeah. In case any of your listeners missed the memo or they're new listeners. Orgasmic meditation is a partnered practice of clitoral stroking. So it's done inside of a specific container. It's the same every time. It's very highly and strongly encouraged. It's in the guidelines and the rules to not allow it to be used as foreplay, to not have it flow from the practice into sex, and to intentionally keep it as a distinctive meditative practice that happens to involve the genitals. And so in orgasmic meditation, there's one person who's a stroker, and that person needs to have a finger, and there's one person who's a strokee, and that person needs to have a clitoris.
Alexis Weir [00:28:38]:
And the stroker strokes the strokey's clitoris for 15 minutes with no goal. And so one of the magical things that happens in this practice is that we get to have an experience outside of our conditioning around genitals, that anytime they get touched, it has to be to reach the goal of climax. And what that does is it opens up all of the richest layers of sensation that exist when we're just feeling what's happening without trying to get anywhere other than where we are. And generally, as I mentioned, when women practice orgasmic meditation, we go through these various stages of the numbness of the clit from either overstimulation, from vibrators, or I partners stroking really hard and really fast, or us stroking ourselves really hard and really fast. We go through these layers of the numbness and the frozen aspects melting away. And in that there can be pain because the nerve endings are waking up. We call it the glass shards phase, where when you're being stroked, it literally feels like little glass shards are being raked over your clit. It's very.
Alexis Weir [00:30:08]:
Can be very unpleasurable. And so a lot of people think this is just a pleasure practice, and you're just trying to get and have as much pleasure as you possibly can. There can be a lot of pleasure and om and there can also be pain. And that's why it's a practice, because you keep coming to it to learn how to feel and stay in your body and actually be present to what's happening in your own body and in connection with another person. Person.
Deborah [00:30:33]:
So that's a beautiful description. Thank you so much. And, yeah, three years of daily practice, that's impressive. And it is life changing. You know, I can't say, you know, as a practice when it's taken as a practice and really, as you said, kept in that, you know, the container of this is an experience where I am understanding more about my own body, my own emotions, all the things that have it. It allows all of the things that have been pushed down to see the light of day. And, you know, one thing that is that we were talking about earlier is there is a connection between pussy and the voice. And not only is it a physiological connection, but it's also a very spiritual and practical connection.
Alexis Weir [00:31:39]:
Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure that there are many, you know, doctors and scientists and researchers who could come on and, like, explain the pussy throat connection in a much more scientific way than I could or will probably, you know, has something to do with when those parts were forming in utero. I don't know. But as we learned in orgasmic meditation, or I learned, I'll speak for myself, we learned about the throat clit. So there's a way that, and I forget the scientific term for it, but the dangly thing in the back of your throat, when it's stimulated just behind that spot, you can actually feel sensation in your clitoris. You can feel sensation in your pussy as though your pussy is being physically stimulated. That was a really revolutionary discovery because even I was pretty new to Om at that time. And so back then, 2013, 2014, I was still experiencing some elements of performative sex and bringing performance into my sex, or thinking about my partner's pleasure and trying to please, rather than being focused on my experience and what I'm feeling in my body, which is how we actually experience pleasure during sex.
Alexis Weir [00:33:20]:
And so that was revolutionary for me to discover cocksucking for her pleasure and really have it be about the sensations that I was feeling in my body, and to discover my deep love and worship for cocksucking. And so in the context of the unveil my voice and the work that I'm currently doing, what I'd like to share is that in addition to that sort of more physiological connection where you can feel the sensation in your body and be stimulated, there is an energetic connection as well. And we cannot, from my experience, fully bring our voices out into the world and express fully as women, if we are not deeply connected to our genitals and able to feel in our genitals. And so again, this is a way that I'm like, I don't exactly have a super shortcut method to get there, because it does require the willingness, whether or not you practice orgasmic meditation with another person, the willingness to get very acquainted with our own bodies and put the kind and quality of attention on ourselves that we need to fully open. And I think that's what's missing in a lot of our connections, especially, I would say, in heterosexual sex. For non Omers, people who don't practice orgasmic meditation, there can be this missing element of super quality presence and attention with the pussy. And in aum, they speak mainly about the clitoris. And in my life beyond Om, I would say that overflows to every aspect of the voC.
Alexis Weir [00:35:27]:
The pussy's lips, the walls of the vaginal canal, the cervix, the g spot, like all of it, is often craving this level of presence that truly nourishes and nurtures the full flowering. And I kind of gag a little bit to use like, flower references in relationship to the pussy, but you know what I mean? Like the blooming of our orgasmic potential. And what we experience in sex, we experience in life and vice versa. And so. Yeah, go ahead.
Deborah [00:36:13]:
Oh, I was just going to say, and kind of coming back to the pussy throat connection. I come from the tantra world. And sound is a big part of tantra, whether it's making the sounds of the different chakras and allowing those sounds to vibrate throughout our bodies, or whether it's actually asking for what we want. And one of the biggest gifts that I personally have gotten from orgasmic meditation, and one of the things that I really inspire my clients around is this idea of how to ask for something a little bit different. Right. And how to hear that as a request for moving towards highest sensation versus going down the rabbit hole of, like, oh, my partner wants something different. I did something wrong, you know? And when that happens, our attention gets pulled off of the connection. And when we can hear, like, oh, my partner wants something a little bit different, let's try this.
Deborah [00:37:27]:
Or let's try that. We're maintaining the attention on the connection.
Alexis Weir [00:37:32]:
Yes. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing that. So we as women, have not only been programmed and conditioned in this lifetime to focus on other people's needs above our own and to make sure other people are happy so that we can feel and be safe, we also have inherited a level of terror. I talk about this a lot, this kind of, like, deep down terror that we don't even always know exactly where it comes from, that if I anger another person, my life is in danger. And there's also a lot of conditioning happening for. We'll just talk about in the binary for men and women, a lot of conditioning happening for men where, you know, like, there's this concept of, like, teacup children, you know, where it's like, the boy can't do anything, like, nothing he does is wrong. And so it creates a very fragile ego.
Alexis Weir [00:39:00]:
And so we have this, like, terror of angering men because we don't know what they'll do. And then simultaneously, a fear that if I say the wrong thing that hits their ego in just this way, it's going to cause that reaction, that then I'm not safe. And so one of the things that we address in unveil my voice is this more ancestral and potentially past life and genetic and plugging into collective consciousness fear around asking for what we want as women, which also translates into asking for what we want in sex. We address the root of that. Where is that coming from? Like, I was sharing with you a little bit ago, like, it's really only about 200 some years ago that women were being killed in the witch trials in Europe, and they're still being killed in various countries today. And, you know, like, we're seeing an epidemic of femicide happen. And so it's not just in the past. It's actually still happening right now.
Alexis Weir [00:40:14]:
And so it's not that these fears aren't real and don't have their rightful place. It's just that we want to work with the energy of them in such a way that it frees up our voice to express in ways that actually are safe for us and locations and places that it's our rightful place to ask for what we want and need, and that to help us to nothing press out of that sort of subconscious or unconscious knee jerk reaction of like, oh, I can't say that. Oh, I can't ask for that. And then on top of that, we've got all those layers of. A lot of women have not developed this intimate relationship with our genitals, so we don't actually know exactly what we want. And then we're afraid of looking stupid or silly because if we ask for a little bit to the left, maybe there's less sensation to the left, and now we've ruined it. And so there's a lot of, like, perfectionism stuff and, like, fear of doing it wrong. And so there's just so many layers.
Deborah [00:41:15]:
Absolutely. And, you know, when one of the things that I'm present is you're talking, is that not only is that unfortunate for women because we don't get what I. What we want, but also it leaves our partners in the dark, and it leaves then with the responsibility of knowing everything. And I know for me, like, I talk about this a lot. Like, I was a big harlequin romance reader.
Alexis Weir [00:41:43]:
Right.
Deborah [00:41:44]:
And the story with Harlequin romances is there's going to be a man that comes along and is going to know exactly how to touch me in exactly the right way, and I'm going to feel something and it's going to be completely outside of me. Right. Well, the unfortunate part is that for years I was looking for that man and that lover in my, you know, in my partners, and I didn't know how to ask for anything different. And so I was always looking at them and, you know, ultimately blaming them for not being good lovers when I wasn't giving them anything to, you know, so that they didn't. So they knew anything. You know, I was literally assuming that my partner was going to know my body better than me because that's what I'd heard from the Harlequin romances. Thank goodness.
Alexis Weir [00:42:36]:
Yes. Yeah. And I think that one of the things that I'm the most passionate about is myself reconnecting myself with my own and then supporting other women to reconnect with our inherent worth and value, because when we do that, not only are we then able to unplug from all of those streams of consciousness that tell us I need to find my value out here. But then it also helps to free up our voice to ask for what we need, because we're having a visceral, felt experience of the truth of who, who I am through the perspective of all that is. And that who I am through the perspective of all life is so worthy and deserving of being met with the level of attunement and care that supports me in opening my system. And it's not that the other person is opening me. They're not opening me for me. They're supporting by holding a field of presence for me to open myself.
Alexis Weir [00:43:54]:
And we can do that alone in our private practice as well. We're not reliant on a partner to do that for us. And if we have a practice partner, knowing our inherent worth and also feeling safe to allow ourselves to ask for what we want, even if we don't know if it's going to create more sensation or not, just like, let's try this out. That combination allows for just the truth of what is to emerge and allows more of the fullness of who we are in our, the fullness of our being to show itself and surprise them and us. Right. And that's where the real juiciness is when you're like, I didn't even know that was possible.
Deborah [00:44:48]:
Right. You know, and it's funny, what you just said sort of brings me back to where we started our conversation with this idea of being in touch with desire and the, and being in resonance with others and realizing that, like, oh, I have the desire, and perhaps this person has the same desire, and how do we negotiate that and how do we, you know, on the dance floor, it's often negotiated through movement, but off the dance floor, it's like, oh, this is how we actually come into the deep relationship is when we're able to ask for, to talk about, to invite our partners to share with us, you know, what's on their heart, what's in their genitals.
Alexis Weir [00:45:39]:
Yes. I love that. What's in your genitals today, babe?
Deborah [00:45:48]:
Oh, my goodness. Well, I am loving this conversation, and it has gone in so many beautiful and flowering different directions. And so I'd like, I'd love to hear in a moment, if there's one thing that you want people to take away from it, what that might be. And while you're pondering that, I'm going to just take a moment and let people know how they can support the better sex podcast. Because not all of us grew up in families. We're talking about sex and relationships was welcome, and so many of us don't even know what's standing in our way of relationship or sex. And so that's why I offer the bedroom breakthrough experience. It's a one on one conversation where we talk about what it is you desire, where we talk about what's holding you back, and we come up with some resources for how you might have better sex and relationships.
Deborah [00:46:52]:
So if that sounds like something you're interested in, please check out the show notes and book some time to talk, because a podcast may not be enough, as good as this podcast is. So, Alexis, what do you think? What would you like people to get out of our conversation today?
Alexis Weir [00:47:15]:
Yeah. Well, I feel that everyone got what they needed to get, and it already landed, and it's alive in their bodies and energy fields. And if I were to say one thing that I'd like to leave you with, if you don't go any further, or if you don't schedule with me or with Deborah or learn orgasmic meditation, the one thing that you can do right now to begin changing your life is to start where you are. So we learned in Om that Eros lives in what is. Eros doesn't exist in what isn't. What isn't isn't real. It isn't. We can't do anything with what isn't.
Alexis Weir [00:48:11]:
So if there's something that is not quite what you want it to be in your sex life or in your relationship or in your career, your finances, rather than focusing on the lack and focusing on what you don't have that you want, start where you are. Look at. And I learned this from my teacher, Nicole. Look at and look for the one right thing. Even with all of that missing, even when I know I want that over there and I don't have it, what is here, and that's where Eros lives. And start there and then build on it.
Deborah [00:48:51]:
That's so good. Thank you so much. And I just want to say, I know that you have a generous gift for people who are interested. And do you want to take a moment and tell us about it?
Alexis Weir [00:49:06]:
Yes. I recorded a guided heart meditation that is accompanied with acoustic guitar by Todd Boston back in 2018, I believe. And this meditation, it guides you into your own heart and helps you to find past versions of yourself that you may have abandoned along your journey and invite them home to integrate them so that you can live from your full self now. And that's available when you sign up for my newsletter on my website. Sovereign Dash University.com.
Deborah [00:49:47]:
Thank you. And of course that'll be in the show notes. And where else can people find you?
Alexis Weir [00:49:53]:
I would say the best place to find me is on Instagram. Alexis Lauren Ware is my Instagram handle and also Facebook book as either Alexis Lornware or Sovereign University.
Deborah [00:50:06]:
Thank you so much Alexis. And for those of you who are listening, please follow her and check out this incredible heart opening experience. And for those of you who want to support a sexier and a safer world, please, please share this. Please share this podcast with anybody that you think needs to hear what we have to say and like, subscribe and comment wherever you get your podcasts. Hear you on the next one. Bye for now.